## 7. COMBINED SCIENCES

#### Subsections

- 7. combined sciences - general
- 7.1 combined sciences poetry
- 7.2 compare scientists (using lions, elephants, primes etc.)
- 7.3 remarkable scientific sayings from school children and students

### 7.2 COMPARE SCIENTISTS (USING LIONS, ELEPHANTS ETC.)

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mathematics physics computer science
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    Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.
    (Hunting lions in Africa was originally published as "A contribution
    to the mathematical theory of big game hunting" in the American
    Mathematical Monthly in 1938 by "H. Petard, of Princeton NJ" [actually
    the late Ralph Boas].  It has been reprinted several times.
    This is a hugely extended version with contributions from the net.

    1. Mathematical Methods

    1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method

    We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert.  After that
    we introduce the following logical system:
       Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty.
       Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a
                lion in the cage.
       Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds:
                  "P implies Q", then Q is a theorem.
       Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage.

    1.2 The geometrical inversion method

    We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from
    inside.
    Case 1: The lion is inside the cage. This case is trivial.
    Case 2: The lion is outside the cage. We then perform an inversion
    with respect to the cage.  Then the lion is inside the cage, and we
    are outside.
    Warning: With this method, it is important not to stand in the middle
    of the cage, as one will disappear in the infinite.

    1.3 The projective geometry method

    Without loss of generality, we can view the desert as a plane surface.
    We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an
    interior point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same
    point.

    1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method

    Divide the desert by a line running from north to south.  The lion is
    then either in the eastern or in the western part.  Let's assume it is
    in the eastern part.  Divide this part by a line running from east to
    west.  The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part.
    Let's assume it is in the northern part.  We can continue this process
    arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly
    narrow fence around the selected area.  The diameter of the chosen
    partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of
    arbitrarily small diameter.
    Warning: With this method take care that the beautiful skin of the
    lion is not damaged.

    1.5 The set theoretical method

    We observe that the desert is a separable space.  It therefore
    contains an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a
    sequence with the lion as its limit. With a cage on our backs,
    we jump from point to point of this sequence an so approach the lion
    as near as we like.

    1.6 The Peano method

    In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the
    desert.  It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in
    arbitrarily short time.  Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear,
    in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to
    its own length.

    1.7 A topological method

    We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus.
    We embed the desert in a four dimensional space.  Then it is possible
    to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning
    to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself.  It is then
    completely helpless.

    1.8 The Cauchy method

    We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage.  Consider
    the integral

              1    [   f(z)
           ------- I --------- dz
           2 \pi i ] z - \zeta

                   C

    where C represents the boundary of the desert.  Its value is f(zeta),
    i.e. there is a lion in the cage [3].

    1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method

    We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-\infinity,\infinity),
    whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere.  We put this lion somewhere
    in the desert.  L_0 then converges toward our cage.  According to the
    general Wiener-Tauner theorem [4] every other lion L will converge
    toward the same cage.  (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily
    close by translating L_0 through the desert [5].)

    From: chohn@vub.ac.be (Ohn Christian)

    1.10 The Mathematical Induction method

    Consider, for each n, the following statement:
        P(n) : 'It is possible to catch n lions in the desert.'
    Of course, P(n) is true for large enough n, because the lions are then
    so tightly packed together that it is easy to catch them. But now,
    P(n) implies P(n-1) ('cause if you catch some lions, you can always
    release one of them). Hence, P(1) is true.

    1.11 The Banachsche or iterative method

    Let f be a contraction of the Sahara in it with contraction point x_0.
    On this point we put the cage. By successive iteration W(n+1)= f(W(n)),
    n=,1,2,..... (W(0)=Sahara) the Sahara will be contracted to X_0. In this
    way the lion will get in the cage.

    1.12 The Kalra Method

    Make a list of the lion's whereabouts.  Classify them into different fuzzy
    sets. The lion will get confused and fall into your trap.

    1.13 The Cartesian method

    Take the origin as close as possible to the lion. Then perform rotation
    operation again and again. Initially, the lion will feel dizzy. Finally it
    will fall down.

    1.14 The Inductive Method

     Initial Condition: If you center a large cage on any one
    grain of sand, and a lion is on or close to the grain of sand. then
    he will be trapped by the cage. By close we mean within epsilon
    grains of sand. Given a cage the size of 2 * (size of lion *
    epsilon) it works.
     First Hypothesis: Given the first grain of sand in the
    desert, if the lion is standing on it you will trap him.

           Proof: Given by the initial condition.

           Induction Hypothesis:  Assume that a lion is on a grain

    of sand n, and is trappable. Now, for grain n+1 (assume all grains of sand
    are ordered, inorder) n+1 is close to n, hence n is close to n+1. If the
    lion is on grain n, and is trappable; then he is close to n+1, and by the
    above condition, trappable.  Hence, no matter where the lions are if you
    drop a cage centered on a piece of sand you will catch a lion.

    1.15 The Integro-Differential Method

    Integrate the Sahara over its entire surface. The lion is now somewhere in
    the result. Differentiate the result w.r.t the earth's rotation. The
    resulting value is zero, and the lion is no more.

    From: David J Corbett <djc123@student.canterbury.ac.nz>
    1.16  Group theory method
    Note that "dog in lace" is an anagram of "caged lion".
    Therefore, apply the appropriate permutation from S9 on a dog in lace to
    obtain a caged lion.  The matter of obtaining a dog in lace is left to
    the reader.

    2 Theoretical Physics Methods

    2.1 The Dirac method

    We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara
    desert.  Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they
    are tame.  We leave catching a tame lion as an exercise to the reader.

    2.2 The Schroedinger method

    At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in
    the cage.  Sit and wait.

    2.3 The Quantum Measurement Method

    We assume that the sex of the lion is _ab initio_ indeterminate.  The
    wave function for the lion is hence a superposition of the gender
    eigenstate for a lion and that for a lioness.  We lay these eigenstates
    out flat on the ground and orthogonal to each other.  Since the (male)
    lion has a distinctive mane, the measurement of sex can safely be made
    from a distance, using binoculars.  The lion then collapses into one of
    the eigenstates, which is rolled up and placed inside the cage.

    2.4 The nuclear physics method

    Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange
    operator [6] on it and a wild lion.

    As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's
    sake) a male lion.  We insert a tame female lion into the cage and
    apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins.

    2.5 The Newton gravitation method

    Cage and lion attract each other with the gravitation force. We neglect
    the friction. This way the lion will arive sooner or later in the cage.

    2.6 The Newton third law method

    Let the lion catch you (let's assume you remain alive here).  For every
    action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Therefore, you will have
    captured the lion.

    2.7 The Special relativistic method

    One moves over the desert with light velocity. The relativistic length
    contraction makes the lion flat as paper. One takes it, rolls it up and
    puts a rubber band around the lion.

    2.8 The Special relativistic method (method 2)

    Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion. The relative velocity
    makes the lion run faster and hence he feels heavier and gets tired.

    2.9 The general relativistic method

    All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts
    of the companion star of Sirius.  After enough of the bait has been
    eaten we send a beam of light through the desert.  This will curl
    around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without
    danger.

    2.10 The Heisenberg method

    Position and Velocity from a moving lion can not be measure at the same
    time. As moving lions have no physical meaningfull position in the desert,
    one can not catch them. The lion hunt can therefore be limited to
    resting lions. The catching of a resting, not moving lion is left as
    an exercise for the reader.

    2.11 The Schroedinger cat method
    From: Alain Gottcheiner <agot@ulb.ac.be>

    I'm no specialist of quantum mechanics, so it's possible that I've
    overlooked something important, but the following method should work :

    1) Note that a lion is nothing else than some big cat.

    2) Pour some contact poison that's lethal to lions over the Sahara.

    3) Thereafter, either the lion is dead, or it isn't.  So look at the Sahara
    to reduce the lion's state to either dead or alive.  If he's dead, you will
    have no problems picking him and putting him in the cage. If it is not,
    proceed back to step 2.

    4) Since the probability (P) of this trick working is not 0, and since
    [limit, on n going to infinite, of 1 minus P to the nth, is O] you've got
    1OO% probability of some iteration of the process bringing up the result
    you wanted.

    There could just be a snag about the method : if the lion is dead,
    obvioulsy he's not moving anymore, and his momentum is known to be nought,
    so how are you going to measure where he is lying ?

    2.appendix The Heisenberg constriction

    You will disturb the lion when you observe it before capturing.
    So keep your eyes closed.

    3 Experimental Physics Methods

    3.1 The thermodynamics method

    We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions
    pass through.  This we drag across the desert.

    3.2 The atomic fission method

    We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons.  The lion becomes
    radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration
    process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist.

    3.3 The magneto-optical method

    We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria)
    such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal
    component of the earth's magnetic field.  We put the cage in one of the
    field's foci . Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of
    magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows,
    a high iron content.  The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert
    inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions.  Afterwards the
    lions are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the
    resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense.

    [1] After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real
        Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457
    [2] H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3
    [3] According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch der
        Funktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch every
        lion except for at most one.
    [4] N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of its Applications" (1933),
        pp 73-74
    [5] N. Wiener, ibid, p 89
    [6] cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8
        (1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107
    [7] ibid

    4 Contributions from Computer Science.

    4.1 The search method

    We assume that the lion is most likely to be found in the direction to
    the north of the point where we are standing.  Therefore the REAL
    problem we have is that of speed, since we are only using a PC to
    solve the problem.

    4.2 The parallel search method.

    By using parallelism we will be able to search in the direction to the
    north much faster than earlier.

    4.3 The Monte-Carlo method.

    We pick a random number indexing the space we search.  By excluding
    neighboring points in the search, we can drastically reduce the number
    of points we need to consider.  The lion will according to probability
    appear sooner or later.

    4.4 The practical approach.

    We see a rabbit very close to us.  Since it is already dead, it is
    particularly easy to catch.  We therefore catch it and call it a lion.

    4.5 The common language approach.

    If only everyone used ADA/Common Lisp/Prolog, this problem would be
    trivial to solve.

    4.6 The standard approach.

    We know what a Lion is from ISO 4711/X.123.  Since CCITT have specified
    a Lion to be a particular option of a cat we will have to wait for a
    harmonized standard to appear.  $20,000,000 have been funded for
    initial investigations into this standard development.

    4.7 Linear search.

    Stand in the top left hand corner of the Sahara Desert.  Take one step
    east.  Repeat until you have found the lion, or you reach the right
    hand edge.  If you reach the right hand edge, take one step
    southwards, and proceed towards the left hand edge.  When you finally
    reach the lion, put it the cage.  If the lion should happen to eat you
    before you manage to get it in the cage, press the reset button, and
    try again.

    4.8 The Dijkstra approach:

    The way the problem reached me was: catch a wild lion in the Sahara
    Desert. Another way of stating the problem is:

           Axiom 1: Sahara elem deserts
           Axiom 2: Lion elem Sahara
           Axiom 3: NOT(Lion elem cage)

    We observe the following invariant:

           P1:     C(L) v not(C(L))

    where C(L) means: the value of "L" is in the cage.

    Establishing C initially is trivially accomplished with the statement

           ;cage := {}

    Note 0:
    This is easily implemented by opening the door to the cage and shaking
    out any lions that happen to be there initially.
    (End of note 0.)

    The obvious program structure is then:

           ;cage:={}
           ;do NOT (C(L)) ->
                   ;"approach lion under invariance of P1"
                   ;if P(L) ->
                           ;"insert lion in cage"
                    [] not P(L) ->
                           ;skip
                   ;fi
           ;od

    where P(L) means: the value of L is within arm's reach.

    Note 1:
    Axiom 2 ensures that the loop terminates.
    (End of note 1.)

    Exercise 0:
    Refine the step "Approach lion under invariance of P1".
    (End of exercise 0.)

    Note 2:
    The program is robust in the sense that it will lead to
    abortion if the value of L is "lioness".
    (End of note 2.)

    Remark 0: This may be a new sense of the word "robust" for you.
    (End of remark 0.)

    Note 3:

    From observation we can see that the above program leads to the
    desired goal. It goes without saying that we therefore do not have to
    run it.
    (End of note 3.)
    (End of approach.)

    4.9 The Linked List Method

    Make a linked list of all objects in the desert. Then delete the pointers
    on either side of the lion.(Make sure you are not AFTER the lion.)

    4.10 The Automata Method

    Use a Non-Deterministic Finite Automaton with epsilon moves from all states
    to the final state, and no moves from the final state. The lion will soon
    enter the final state and be trapped.

    4.11 The Divide And Conqure Method (by recursion)

    Divide the desert in half. Repeat the process until you have the lion, a
    grain of sand, or some other object that cannot be divided without blood
    shed. You have the lion. The order of this method = O(insane). (Where
    sanity is anything reasonable.)

    5 Other Methods

    5.1 The Time-Cop Method

    Use a time-machine and take the entire Sahara back a few years in time. The
    lion is just a cub now, and all you need is a mouse-trap.

    5.2 The Shakespeare Method

    Hold the lion still for a moment (I don't care how you do it), and recite
    Shakespeare`s Hamlet to it. The lion will change from 'To be' to
    'Not-to-be'.

    5.3 The Pentagon method.

    Construct a safe, secure cage and leave the door open.  Alternate massive
    B-52 strikes across the Sahara desert with subtle propaganda campaigns
    emphasizing the safety and security of your cage.  When a lion enters the
    cage, close and lock the door.

    5.4 The supply-side method.

    Distribute vast quantities of lion food and eliminate all threats to the
    lion population.  Put a cage in the desert and wait for the explosive
    growth of the lion population to force a lion into the cage.

    5.5 The Marxist-Leninist method.

    Indoctrinate the gazelle population of the Sahara desert in dialectical
    materialism.  Disguise your cage as a re-education camp for capitalist
    lions, and the gazelles will bring you all the lions you need.

    From: David J Corbett <djc123@student.canterbury.ac.nz>
    5.6 The crossword method
    "1 Across  Dog in lace, confused, becomes trapped Leo (5,4)", to which
    the solution is "caged lion".

    For other articles, see also:

    A Random Walk in Science - R.L. Weber and E. Mendoza
    More Random Walks In Science - R.L. Weber and E. Mendoza
    In Mathematical Circles (2 volumes) - Howard Eves
    Mathematical Circles Revisited - Howard Eves
    Mathematical Circles Squared - Howard Eves
    Fantasia Mathematica - Clifton Fadiman
    The Mathematical Magpi - Clifton Fadiman
    Seven Years of Manifold - Jaworski
    The Best of the Journal of Irreproducible Results - George H. Scheer
    Mathematics Made Difficult - Linderholm
    A Stress-Analysis of a Strapless Evening Gown - Robert Baker
    The Worm-Runners Digest
    Knuth's April 1984 CACM article on The Space Complexity of Songs
    Stolfi and ?? SIGACT article on Pessimal Algorithms and Simplexity Analysis

mathematics
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    From: Dick van der Sijs (D.A.vanderSijs@fys.ruu.nl)

    Intercepted Mail:

                                                                  July 5, 1997
    Dear sir,

    I strongly object against the Integro-Differential Method[1] . There are
    too little lions left on the earth to make this a justifiable method.
    Actually, hereby I express my sincere concern against advertising any
    method to catch a lion (in the desert or elsewhere) apparently for the sole
    reason of catching it.  Also, I question using these methods for any reason
    not in the interest of an individual lion's health or not benefitting the
    lion as a species.

    So said, with best regards,

    		Dick van der Sijs
    		member of WWF
    References:
    [1] To catch a lion in the Sahara Dessert, Method 1.15 The
    Integro-Differential Method, Science Jokes Collection, Section Combined
    Sciences (1997)

                  -----------------------------------------------
                                                                  July 6, 1997
    Dear Drs. van der Sijs,

    As regarding your letter of July 5[1], I can assure you that the lion
    catching project is completely beneficial.

    The original purpose[2,3] was of course just to put some transmitters on
    the lions[3], so that their migration patterns could be studied, so that
    those regions could be made into national parks, where they would not be
    disturbed.  Some scientist just forget the use of projects and just find
    new methods and call it ``fundamental science'', aka without any use at
    all.  This method[4,1] is clearly not ethical and will not be used in
    further experiments.

    With kind regards,

    The project leader,
    Member of WWF.

    References:
    [1]Personal communication, 1997.
    [2]H. Petard, "A contribution to the mathematical theory of big game
    hunting" in the American Mathematical Monthly, 1938.
    [3]H. Petard, Personal communication, 1937.
    [4] To catch a lion in the Sahara Dessert, Method 1.15 The
    Integro-Differential Method, Science Jokes Collection (1997)

mathematics physics chemistry engineering
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    A lecturer tells some students to learn the phone-book by heart.

    The mathematicians are baffled: `By heart? You kidding?'
    The physics-students ask: `Why?'
    The engineers sigh: `Do we have to?'
    The chemistry-students ask:  `Till next Monday?'
    The accounting-students (scribbling): `Till tomorrow?'
    The laws-students answer: `We already have.'
    The medicine-students ask: `Should we start on the Yellow Pages?'

mathematics physics chemistry engineering computer science
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    From: chrisman@ucdmath.ucdavis.edu (Mark Chrisman),
     chris@labtam.labtam.oz.au

    (Chris Taylor), troyt@sun.com (troy trimble), sinan@u.washington.edu (Sinan
    Karasu), gkeir@extro.ucc.su.OZ.AU (George Keir), jgfoot@minerva.cis.yale.edu
    (Josh A. Goldfoot), BajoriAP@Perkin-Elmer.com (Andrew Bajorinas), eva dacouri
    <eva@cafe.glassnet.com>, crosby@cs.colorado.edu, (Matthew Crosby),
    lanzi@inland.com, Robert Billing <unclebob@tnglwood.demon.co.uk>,
    s5cfh@csc.liv.ac.uk (C.F. Hankel), Rangaswamy Ravindran <ravi@inforamp.net>,
    rjw3@kimbark.uchicago.edu (BOB!! Williams), eijkhout@jacobi.math.ucla.edu
    (Victor Eijravi@inforamp.net (Rangaswamy Ravindran), Daniel Kian Mc Kiernan
    <dmckiern@weber.ucsd.edu>, mike@setanta.demon.co.uk (Mike Causer),
    bill@umsa7.umd.edu (Bill Sudbrink), bhurt@subzero.winternet.com (Brian Hurt)
    Benjamin.J.Tilly@dartmouth.edu (Benjamin J. Tilly), fo807@cleveland.Freenet.Edu
    (Richard Merritt Hoskins),fc3a501@GEOMAT.math.uni-hamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann),
    rmorris@liverpool.ac.uk (Mr Richard J. Morris), royl@zen.icl.co.uk (Roy Lakin),
    barry@numetrix.com (Barry Fruitman), mlc@iberia.cca.rockwell.com (Michael Cook)
    sgalon <sgalon@iil.intel.com>, Laurent@spam.me.baby, Mario VELUCCHI
    <velucchi@bigfoot.com>

    Several students were asked the following problem:
           Prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime.

    mathematician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and by induction, we have
        that all the odd integers are prime."

    Statistician: 100% of the sample 5, 13, 37, 41 and 53 is prime, so all odd
        numbers must be prime.

    Mechanical Statistician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is an
        outlier, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, .... all odd numbers are prime.

    Measure nontheorist: there are exactly as many odd numbers as primes
    	(Euclid, Cantor), and exactly one even prime (namely 2), so
    	there must be exactly one odd nonprime (namely 1).

    Physicist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an
        experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...  Well, it seems that
        you're right."

    Wouldn't a modern physicist employ something like renormalization?
        3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ...
        9/3 is prime
        11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is ...
        15/3 is prime
        17 is prime, 19 is prime, 21 is ...
        21/3 is prime
    Quantum Physicist: All numbers are equally prime and non-prime until observed.

    Chemist: "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime.. that's enough."
    Chemist: 1 prime, 3 prime, 5 prime...hey, let's publish!

    Cosmologist: 3 is prime, yes it is true....

    Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is
        ..., well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...
        Well, it does seem right."
    Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not working, fetch
        toolbox.
    Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime...
      [Continue until told to go home by others]

    Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as
               an exercise for the student.

    Computer scientist: I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove
        it..."  He goes over to his terminal and runs his program.  Reading
        the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime,
        1 is prime...."

    Computer scientist using Unix: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime,
                                   segmentation fault. core dumped.

    Computer Scientist:
         1 is prime, 10 is prime, 11 is prime, 101 is prime...

    GNU program:
    % prime
    usage: prime [-nV] [--quiet] [--silent] [--version] [-e script]
           --catenate --concatenate | c --create | d
           --diff --compare | r --append | t --list | u --update |  x
           -extract --get [ --atime-preserve ] [ -b, --block-size N ]
           [ -B, --read-full-blocks ]  [  -C,  --directory  DIR  ]  [
           --checkpoint     ]  [ -f, --file [HOSTNAME:]F ] [ --force-
           local   ] [ -F, --info-script F --new-volume-script F ]  [
           -G,  --incremental  ] [ -g, --listed-incremental F ] [ -h,
           --dereference ] [ -i, --ignore-zeros ] [  --ignore-failed-
           read  ] [ -k, --keep-old-files ] [ -K, --starting-file F ]
           [ -l, --one-file-system ] [ -L, --tape-length N  ]  [  -m,
           --modification-time   ]  [  -M,  --multi-volume  ]  [  -N,
           --after-date DATE, --newer DATE  ]  [  -o,  --old-archive,
           --portability   ]  [  -O,  --to-stdout  ]  [  -p,  --same-
           permissions, --preserve-permissions ]  [  -P,  --absolute-
           paths  ]  [  --preserve       ]  [ -R, --record-number ] [
           [-f script-file] [--expression=script] [--file=script-file]
    [file...]
    prime: you must specify exactly one of the r, c, t, x, or d options
    For more information, type ``prime --help''

    Computer Scientist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime,
    7 is prime, 7 is prime...    Bus error. Core dumped.

    The computer programmer method is:
    "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is prime, 9 is prime, 9
    is ..."
    Opps, let's try that again:
    "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is
    prime, 9 is ... 3 is ..."
    Um, right.  Okay, how about this:
    "3 is not prime, 5 is not prime, 7 is not prime, 9 is not prime..."
    So much for the beta releases.  Ship this:
    "3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is a feature, 11 is prime..."
    and put on the cover "More prime numbers than anyone else in the
    industry!"

    Coming soon:
      "3 is a prime, 4 is a feature, 5 is a prime, 6 is a feature, 7 is a
    prime,
      8 is not yet implemented, 9 is our backwards compatibilty module, ..."

    Programmer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be fixed in the
    	next release, ...

    C programmer: 03 is prime, 05 is prime, 07 is prime, 09 is really 011
    	which everyone knows is prime, ...

    BASIC programmer: What's a prime?

    COBOL programmer: What's an odd number?

    Windows programmer: 1 is prime. Wait.

    Mac programmer: Now why would anyone want to know about that?  That's not
    user friendly. You don't worry about it, we'll take care of it for you.

    Bill Gates: 1. No one will ever need any more then 1.

    TRS-80 Computer Programmer: One is prime, Two is prime, Three is prime, Out
    of Memory.

    Computer Scientist with a Pentium: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 6.9999978 is
    prime...

    Computer Scientist:
    3.0001 is prime
    4.9999 is prime
    7.0001 is prime
    ...
    General protection error...

    Software tech support operator:  Well, we haven't had any reports of
        composite odd numbers... do you have the latest version of ZFC?

    Logician:
      Hypothesis: All odd numbers are prime
      Proof:
        1) If a proof exists, then the hypothesis must be true
        2) The proof exists; you're reading it now.
        From 1 and 2 follows that all odd numbers are prime

    Confused Undergraduate:  Yes, it's true.  Proof:  Let p be any prime
        number larger than 2.  Then p is not divisible by 2, so p is odd.  QED

    Linguist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 aaah. I can make 9 a prime.
    Linguist: are you lot going to shut up and buy me a beer or not?

    Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an
    	odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime, ...

    So we go on to the architect (Architecture is the only completely
    non-technical faculty in the technion):
    Architects are very friendly people who are always ready to help, so
    when asked to prove that all odd numbers are prime:
    "I'd love to help you, if you could just clarify something ... what
    exactly are odd numbers?"

    Philosopher : why don't we just call all the odd numbers prime and call
        all the prime numbers odd, that way all the odd numbers would be prime
        Philosopher: 3 is prime. Hum, thats an interesting statment, I'll get
        one of my research students to look into that.

    Economist: "Assume 9 is prime..."
    Economist: 2 is a prime, 4 is a prime.
    Economist: 3 is even, 4 is even, 6 is even...
    Economist: 4 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is not prime. Look
               the prime rate is dropping.

    English Major: 1 is prime, 2 is prime, 3 is prime, 4 is prime...
     Any fool could prove that the above is wrong...
     After all, no English major can count that high! ;-)
     P.S. And I should know...I've done^H^H^H^H spent time in the English army!

    English major:
         What's a prime number ?
    Politician:
         What's a number ?
    Philosophy major:
         What is ?
    Athletic scholarship:
         What !?

    Theologian:  3 is prime and that's good enough for me!
    Theologian: No after all before God all numbers even, odd and prime are
        created equal.

    Christian: I'm sure the Bible says that all odd numbers are prime.

    Pope: 9 is prime. If you think otherwise, prepare to be damned

    The Psychiatrist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime
        but trying to supress it, 11 is prime......
    Shrink: 3 is prime, 5 is prime etc... And how could one specify "prime"
    anyway?

    Psychologists: Do _they_ want to be?

    Sociologist:  3 is a number, 3 is prime, all numbers are prime.
    Sociologist: is it right to call numbers odd?
    Sociologist: 3 is a number, 3 is prime, all numbers are prime.

    Anthropologist:
         Prime or not, every number is unique. Take 9 for example...

    Multiculturalist:  Pfui!  There you go, classifying numbers into categories.

    Lawyer: 3 is prime, yet 5 could be anything, taking into account, but not
        limited to, the fact that 4 may or may not be prime, depending on the
        witnesses' testimonies and the written evidence furnished.
    Lawyer: According to Maths v Logic, 9 was judicially declared prime
    Lawyers: one is prime, three is prime, five is prime, seven is prime,
    	although there appears to be prima facie evidence that nine
    	is not prime, there exists substantial precedent to indicate
    	that nine should be considered prime.  The following brief
    	presents the case for nine's primeness ...

    Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10%
        tax and 5% other obligations.
    Accountant: What would you like it to be?

    Politician:  3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is composite, 11 is
        prime -- we can ignore 9 because the primes have a majority.
    Corrupt Politician: For a sufficent donation, 9 can be reclassified
    Politician: Do you want them to be?

    George Bush: What's nine got against being prime?  I'll bet it won't allow
                 the pledge of allegiance to be said in our schools either.

    Richard Nixon: Put nine on the enemies list.  I'm gonna get that number.

    Liberals: The fact that nine is not prime indicates a deprived
    	cultural environment which can only be remedied by
    	a federally funded cultural enrichment program.

    Manager: 3 yes, 5 yes, 7 YES, 9 Now let's take a positive attitude here

    Mid-level manager:
         1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... Who can I
         delegate this to ?

    QA: 1 is not proven, 2 no and reported, 3 not proven, 4 no and reported,
     ...

    Butcher: Prime? What do numbers have to do with meat?

    Salesman:
         1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and with 9 you get
         five excellent primes for the price of three !

    Rec.humor poster: one is prime, one is prime, one is prime, one is prime

    Crank: 9 IS PRIME! NOW WHERE IS THE CAPS UNLOCK?

    New Yorker: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... NONE OF YOUR
    	DAMN BUSINESS!

    Mathematical Chess Player with whites: 1 'Pawn' is not prime, 2 'Pawns' is
    prime, 5 'Pawns' is prime, 7 'Pawns' is prime, 9 'Pawns' is ... I have not
    9 white Pawns, please can you borrow me a black Pawns? Thanks ... hum: 8
    white Pawns + 1 black Pawns ... sorry i can not answer to you problem, i
    have not sufficient homogeneous Pawns!? [by: velucchi@bigfoot.com (Mario
    Velucchi)]

    From: "Mike Varley" <mike@varley9.freeserve.co.uk>

    Windows Programmer:

    3 is prime
    5 is prime
    7 is prime
    9 has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.

    Linux Programmer:

    3 is prime
    5 is prime
    7 is prime
    9 is fed up with a prime-dominated world, and has set up its own number system.

    Mac Programmer:

    3 is prime
    5 is prime
    7 is prime
    9 could do with being more user-friendly.

mathematics physics computer science
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    From: mstueben@pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben)

    From: sm@wf-hh.sh.sub.de (Stefan Mohr)

       ASSIGNMENT: Obtain an elephant from Africa.

    PHYSICIST: Starting on the west coast, he searches north-
    to-south and south-to-north slowly moving east. He
    inspects all gray animals keeping the first one that weighs
    the same as a known adult elephant plus-or-minus 500 pounds.

    MATHEMATICIAN: Starting in the center he moves in an
    elliptical spiral (with major axis oriented north-to-south)
    removing all non-elephants keeping whatever is left.

    EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICAN: Same as unexperienced mathematican, except that
    he first tries to proof there is at least one unabiguous elephant before
    he starts with the search.

    MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR: Same as experienced mathematican, except that he
    leaves the actual searching and catching of the elephant to his students.

    Other MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
    everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever
    is left.

    COMPUTER SCIENTIST: First he notes that there are two kinds
    of elephants (African and Indian) and requests more
    detailed specifications as to which elephant is desired
    to be captured. Then he searches east-to-west and west-
    to-east starting from the southern tip and moving north.
    He stops only when encountering and capturing an animal
    whose description matches the American Zoological
    Society's classification of the type of elephant he is
    seeking.

    EXPERIENCED COMPUTER SCIENTIST: Same as inexperienced
    computer scientist, except that he places a known
    elephant in Cairo to guarantee that the algorithm
    terminates.
    ( The way I teach the insertion sort is to first locate
    the smallest element and then to swap it into first place.
    Why? So that the insertion algorithm must terminate before
    reaching the non-existent zeroth position. I like to tell
    this joke just before I teach the insertion sort. -Michael A. Stueben)

    ASSEMBLER PROGRAMMER: Same as experienced computer scientist, except
    that he prefers to do it on his hand and knees.

    SQL PROGRAMMER: Uses the following expression: SELECT elephant FROM Africa.

    STATISTICIAN: hunts the first animal he sees n times and calls it elephant.

    ECONOMIST: He hunts no elephants, but believes that the elephants would
    deliver themselves if payed enough.

    ECONOMICAL ADVISER: He hunts no elephants and has never hunted anything at
    all. You can hire them by the hour to give good advice.

    SYSTEM ANALYSER: Is theoretically capable of calculating the the correlation
    between hat size and hit quote, if somebody would tell them what an
    elephant is.

    From: "\"Alan \\\"Uncle Al\\\" Schwartz\"" <uncleal0@ix.netcom.com>
    ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
    animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
    within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
    elephant

    STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it
    an elephant

    OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can measure the correlation of
    hat size and bullet colour to the efficiency of elephant hunting
    strategies, if someone else will identify the elephants

    POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the
    elephants you catch with the people who voted for them

    LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herd around
    arguing about who owns the droppings

    SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on
    the look and feel of one dropping

    When the VICE PRESIDENT OF R&D tries to hunt elephants, his staff
    will try to ensure that all elephants are completely pre-hunted
    before he sees them.  If the vice president sees a non-pre-hunted
    elephant, the staff will

       (1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesite and
       (2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence

    SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant hunting policy based on the
    assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
    deeper voices

    QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for
    mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep

    SALESPEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
    elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
    season opens

    SOFTWARE SALESPEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up
    an invoice for an elephant

    HARDWARE SALESPEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray and sell them
    as "desktop elephants".

    From: david_loewenstern@yr.com
    Biologist: study the feeding habits of elephants, and learn where they
    are most likely to be found.  Go to this place with a cage and a grad
    student.  Tell the grad student to collect the elephant specimen.
    Cairo without finding an elephant.

    Engineer: Build a really big cage around Africa.

    Businessman: Go to the zoo.  Make an offer for the elephant cage, fully
    furnished with elephant.

    Mathematician: Buy a cage.  Step inside and lock the door.  Define your
    position as "outside".

physics chemistry biology
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    When a problem gets to complicated for the physicists, they hand the
    problem to the chemists.
    When a problem gets to complicated for the chemists, it is handed over to
    the biologist.
    And when biologists think it is to complicated they give the problem to the
    sociologists.

physics chemistry biology
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    If it moves it is biology, if it stinks it is chemistry and if it does not
    work it is physics.

    From: Daniel BB Jones Esq. <76612.3555@CompuServe.COM>
    [from "Murphy's Law, Book Two:  More Reasons Why Things Go Wrong"]
    If it's green or it wriggles, it's biology.
    If it stinks, it's chemistry.
    If it doesn't work, it's physics.

    From: 157763091@cats.ucis.vill.edu (James J. Marshall)

    from "The Complete Murphy's Law, A Definitive Collection"]
    Cerf's Extension to the Handy Guide to Modern Science

    If it's incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
    If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.

    From: kkrueger@osf1.gmu.edu (Karl A Krueger)

    If it causes cancer in laboratory animals, it's pharmacology or nutrition.
    If it's just plain wrong, it's education.
    If it crashes, it's either engineering or CS.
    If it falls on itself, smashing a hundred cars, it's civil engineering.
    If it fails to distribute the middle term, it's theology.

    From: "PAUL ROBERT VARLEY" <VAR14084@gorseinon.ac.uk>

    If it's rock hard, it's geology

    From: "Renz, Craig" <Craig_Renz@dpsk12.org>
    Chemistry stinks!  Biology bites!  Geology Rocks!

mathematics physics chemistry engineering biology
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    From: reid@indiana.edu  (Frank Reid)

    Technicians think they are engineers.
    Engineers think they are physicists.
    Physicists think they are mathematicians.
    Mathematicians think they are philosophers.
    Philosophers think they are technicians.  (Local philosophy prof
    sprayed WD-40 in his VCR.)

    OR:
    From: cyrus@josaiah.sewanee.edu (Cyrus)

    Biologists think they're biochemists.
    Biochemists think they're chemists.
    Chemists think the're physical chemists.
    Physical Chemists think they're physicists.
    Physicists think they're God.
    God thinks he is a mathematician.

mathematics physics engineering
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    From: asdalton@umich.edu (Andrew Dalton)

    I heard this one:
    Engineers want to be experimental physicists.
    Experimental physicists want to be theoretical physicists.
    Theoretical physicists want to be mathematicians.
    Mathematicians want to be philosophers.
    Philosophers want to be theologians.
    Theologians want to be engineers.

mathematics physics biology
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    From: mini-air <marca@wilson.harvard.edu>
    1997-03-07	More Smartypants

    Here are further observations gleaned from the Project Smartypants
    survey (which field has the smartest, or believes it has the
    smartest, people?), the results of which were summarized in last
    month's mini-AIR.

    Astronomer Vinay L. Kashyap:
    Speaking of ranking the various disciplines --
    Politicians think they are Economists.
    Economists think they are Social Scientists.
    Social Scientists think they are Psychologists.
    Psychologists think they are Biologists.
    Biologists think they are Organic Chemists.
    Organic Chemists think they are Physical Chemists.
    Physical Chemists think they are Physicists.
    Physicists think they are Mathematicians.
    Mathematicians think they are God.
    God ...umm... so happens that God is an Astronomer.

    Geographer Wolf Roder:
    Back when my daughter was studying at Caltech it was *known* that
    astronomers (future) were those who could not make it in physics.

    Biochemist Lex Kwee:
    Engineering ranks itself pretty high and could beat Physics in a
    man to man contest, because they would bring more appropriate
    weaponry.

    Pam Sexton, who did not identify her field:
    I can't say who is smarter, but I did have a physicist boss once
    who described chemists as the "lowest form of scientific life".

    Astronomer Duncan Steele:
    I was once at a seminar about some obscure branch of mathematics.
    (Actually I wasn't: I heard about this from someone who may, or
    may not, have been there. If it ever actually occurred). The
    lecturer drew some bizarre diagram on the board, whereupon a
    puzzled member of the audience put up his hand and said that he
    couldn't understand which way was up, and which down. The lecturer
    replied: "I am from Cambridge: hence all other directions are
    down." This proves beyond all reasonable doubt that mathematicians
    - at least those from Cambridge - think of themselves as being on
    the top of the heap.

    Mathematician Fredrik Mansfeld:
    I'm a mathematician working as a computer scientist. Since I am of
    the purest academic discipline of them all I can assure you that
    my opinions are completely objective and unbiased.

mathematics physics chemistry biology computer science
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    From: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)

                            How to identify scientists:

    Chem Prof:  Wears a white lab coat.  This may actually be clean
     but does not have to be.  P-chem profs have a brand new coat that
     has never been in the lab; polymer chem profs have strange glop
     on their coat, and intro chem profs have acid holes.

    Physics Prof: Wears blue jeans and a flannel shirt.  May sometimes
     forget to wear shirt altogether.  If a professor is wearing blue
     jeans and suspenders, ten to one he is a physicist.  Physics profs
     often have German accents, but this is not a distingushing
     characteristic.  Be wary of psychologists with fake Viennese accents
      which can sound similar to the unwary.

    Bio Prof: Sometimes wears a lab coat, though usually this is the
     sign of a biochemist.  Marine biologists walk around in hip boots
     for no explainable reason, even in the middle of winter.  They
     are apt to wear grey slacks and smell like fish, as opposed to
     most biologists, who smell strongly of formalin.  Microbiology
     instructors go around in spotless white coats, refuse to drink
     beer on tap, and wipe all their silverware before using it.
     Never loan money to a bio prof, no matter how much he asks.

    Psych Prof: Psychologists are not real scientists, and can be
     easily identified by their screams of protest whenever anyone
     questions whether psychology is a science.  Psych people have
     beady little eyes and don't laugh at jokes about psychology.
     If you are not sure whether a person is a scientist or a
     comparative religion instructor, he is probably a psychologist.

    CS Prof: Most CS profs are from India or Pakistan.  You can tell
     by the gestures and accents.  This is not a bad thing, though many
     of the American CS professors tend to pick up Indian accents which
     confounds more specific identification.  Like mushrooms, CS students
     only come out at night, and, if not Indian, tend to take on a
     pasty appearance.  CS professors do not use computers and therefore
     can be easily identified by their comparative good health with
     respect to their students.  Many CS professors do not even know how
     to use computers, and are actually mathematicians or psychologists
     in disguise.  Avoid these people.

    Math Prof:  Math profs are like physics professors except without
     any practical bent.  A math professor will have only books and
     pencils in his office, as opposed to the piles of broken equipment
     that physicists keep.  Mathematicians scorn the use of computers
     and calculators and often have difficulty splitting bills in
     restaurants.  The easy way to identify a mathematician is by the
     common use of the phrases "It can be shown that..." and "Is left
     as an exercise to the student..."

physics biology
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    From: mini-air <marca@wilson.harvard.edu>
    1997-03-06	Scientist Stereotypes

    Investigator Chana Lajcher of the Jerusalem College of Technology
    reports on her analysis of science stereotypes:

    I worked for a number of years at a large Israeli university science
    library (no, I won't mention names). We were usually able to guess the
    department of the students coming to the desk by just looking at them:
    Young married women, usually pregnant or with a baby in tow, were biology
    undergrads. Young males, looking lost, not knowing what book they wanted
    (They'd come to the desk saying, "Um, Is this the library? I need the book,
    for the course, you know..."), were pharmacology students doing their one
    botany course. Elderly library patrons, usually a bit eccentric, were
    researchers at the herbarium looking for very rare botany books which they
    would discover had been checked out ten years previously by one of their
    colleagues (and not yet returned but they promise they'll bring it in the
    minute we phone them - if the other reader needs it as much as they
    do). Young healthy males, were chemistry undergrads. Students grading
    stacks of exams were physics grad students (working part-time as teaching
    assistants).  Math was in a different library so I have no stereotypes
    (oops I meant data) for them.

mathematics physics
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                            Where to Publish Your Paper

    1) If you understand it and can prove it, then send it to a journal of
       mathematics.
    2) If you understand it, but can't prove it, then send it to a physics
       journal.
    3) If you can't understand it, but can prove it, then send it to an
       economics journal.
    4) If you can neither understand it nor prove it, then send it to a
       psychology journal.
    5) If it attempts to make something important out of something trivial,
       then send it to a journal of education.
    6) If it attempts to make something trivial out of some-thing important,
       send it to a journal of metaphysics.

mathematics physics
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    Dean, to the physics department.  "Why do I always have to give you
    guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and
    stuff.  Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need
    is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets.  Or even better,
    like the philosophy department.  All they need are pencils and paper."

mathematics engineering computer science
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    The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get
    results.

    The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
    problems in order to get results.

    The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy
    problems in order to get results.

engineering
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    The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
    The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
    The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
    The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with
    that?"

mathematics physics engineering
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    From: guptap@sun.soe.clarkson.edu (Piush Gupta)

    Piush does not agree with the above:

    What is the most frequently asked questions by the following after
    they graduate :
    1) Engineer : How do I do it?
    2) Economist : How much will it cost?
    3) Mathematician/Physicist : Will you like some ketchup with it?

mathematics physics engineering
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    The engineer thinks of his equations as an approximation to reality.
    The physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations.
    The mathematician doesn't care.

    OR:
    From: cantrick@rintintin.Colorado.EDU (Ben Cantrick (alias Macky Stingray))

      Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
      Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
      Mathematicians are unable to make the connection...

mathematics physics engineering
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    What is "pi"?

    Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
                   circumference of a circle and its diameter.

    Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005

    Engineer: Pi is about 3.

    From: john.pazmino@relaynet.org (JOHN PAZMINO)

    Betty Ctrocker: Pi is what you poke holes in with a fork and then
    leave on the window sill to cool off.

mathematics physics computer science
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    Philosopher: "Resolution of the continuum hypothesis will have
                  profound implications to all of science."

    Physicist:   "Not quite.  Physics is well on its way without those
                  mythical `foundations'.  Just give us serviceable mathematics."

    Computer Scientist:
                 "Who cares? Everything in this Universe seems to be finite
                  anyway.  Besides, I'm too busy debugging my Pascal programs."

    Mathematician:
                 "Forget all that!  Just make your formulae as aesthetically
                  pleasing as possible!"

mathematics physics
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    Special Category: Albert Einstein
    Special Category: Afterlife
    Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is
    not yet ready.  "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory.  We
    are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share
    the room with others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is
    Pete).  Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is
    no need to make such a great fuss.  So Pete leads him to the dorm.
    They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the  present
    inhabitants.  "See, Here is your first room mate.  He has an IQ of
    180!"
    "Why that's wonderful!"  Says Albert.  "We can discuss mathematics!"
    "And here is your second room mate.  His IQ is 150!"
    "Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert.  "We can discuss physics!"
    "And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
    "That Wonderful!  We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
    Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.
    "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
    Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where to you think interest
    rates are headed?"

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    From: The Xebot
    Special Category: Albert Einstein
    I wrote this as something Dr. Einstein might've said:

    "Actually, next to the Unified Field Theory, my greatest failure was
    stand-up comedy. For that, you'll have to attend one of Wernher von
    Braun's lectures."
    	- Xebot

mathematics physics engineering
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    From: shafiz@chat.carleton.ca (shoeb hafiz)

    There is a glass half full of water:

    Mathmetician:  the glass is half full
    Physist:  the glass is half empty
    Engineer:  the glass is too big

engineering
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    From: Rudolph Messerschmidt <reindeer@melbourne.DIALix.oz.au>
    There is a half glass of scotch on a table,

    Art student: symbolises unfulfilled enmotions
    Science student: calculates exact percentage full,
    Engineering student: drinks scotch, say's "what's the question?"

mathematics physics engineering
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    From: mstueben@pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben)

        A half full glass of whiskey was sitting on a table at a
    university banquet. One of the waiters that night was a
    graduate sociology student. As various professors and guests
    walked by the glass during the night, the student asked each
    one to make a comment.

    Education professor: That glass is half full.
    Catholic theologian: That glass is half empty.
    Psychology professor: I don't know. What do you think it
       means?
    Zen Buddist: Nothing has existed from the beginning of time,
       not even an empty universe.
    Parapsychologist: All we can say is that the glass appears
       half empty on at least one side.
    Irish history professor: Drinks the whiskey and says,
       What's the question?
    Irish history professor (emeritus): Wha? . . . gih mee
       glasch uh wishkee.
    Baptist theologian: You're going to hell and I'm glad!
    Professor of Women's Studies: Fuck you!
    Mathematics professor: Huh?

chemistry biology
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    From: Hauke Reddmann <fc3a501@AMRISC09.math.uni-hamburg.de>
    Field biologists hear the Counting Crows.
    Geneticists hear Offspring.
    Chemists just hear Heavy Metal.

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    From mini-air (mini-air@chem.harvard.edu)
    1999-03-07	Best Wrestlers (1) -- Most Popular

    Many and varied are the votes we received for last month's survey
    question:

    	Of all different kinds of scientists and doctors,
    	which make the best professional wrestlers?

    Numerous voters, many of whom used only a first name (led by Nick
    of Auckland), insisted that proctologists make the best wrestlers.
    But for every proctological vote, we received more than two in
    favor of a more structurally supportive medical specialty:

    "Orthopedists know the easiest ways to break bones."
    	-- Michelle Garrison

    "As an operating room nurse of many years standing (way too little
    sitting!), I nominate orthopedic surgeons due to their ability to
    twist and tug."
    	-- Sandra Bailey, PhD, RN, CNOR

    "Orthopedic Surgeons. No explanation required if you have ever
    seen them perform surgery."
    	-- Matthew R. Healey

    "Orthopaedic surgeons - they tend to be big beefy ex-football
    players with few brains."
    	-- Mark Pulley

    "Orthopedic surgeons, who are allegedly as strong as an ox and
    twice as
    smart, or was that as smart as an ox and twice as strong?"
    	-- Mark Niemer

          ----------------------------------------------------------
    1999-03-09	Best Wrestlers (1) -- Cult Favorites

    Some voters went against the crowd, insisting on their own
    favorites:

    "Anthesiologists: Wicked sleeper holds."
    	-- Parminder Basran

    "A mathematician. Obviously."
    	-- Kristina Sontag

    "Geomorphologists, because they stay fit through field work
    climbing mountains and sand dunes and they are mean because they
    get no respect as real scientists."
    	-- Linda Lea Jones

    "A very large scientist and/or doctor with a chiseled body, a 24
    inch vertical leap, really great teeth, and a very, very bad
    attitude. Probably a field geologist, because they lug heavy rocks
    all over for no apparent reason and so are in the best shape."
    	-- Ed Theriot

    "My vote is for pediatricians. They get the most on the job
    training. Ever try to examine an unhappy 3 year old?"
    	-- Sarah Getzler (self-described mother of two
    	   and former lab tech)

    "Lepidopterists are adept at pinning their subjects to the mat."
    	-- Paul Chapin

    "Archeologists who work in the field have to do manual labor.
    They're probably the strongest scientists on average."
    	-- Alan Barksdale

    "Psychiatrists. They have the advantage of using psychology to
    make the opponent defeat himself. Very little blood is spilled or
    violence displayed, because it all happens in the mind!"
    	-- Arif Shahabuddin

    "Ornithologists, particularly those who specialize in banding
    ostriches."
    	-- Joanne Cook

    	"From prime experience, my largish husband, William Texas
    Bradley, neurologist in Fort Worth, Texas, would make the best
    professional wrestler type. I may have a master's in English, but
    he still provides physical 'airplane rides' which I am unable to
    avoid.  (I bet you wonder what THAT means!)"
    	-- Baronda E. Bradley

    More next month, perhaps.

mathematics engineering
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    From: danwong@avalon.nando.net
    Special Category: Afterlife
    A man dies and goes to heaven.  Upon his arrival, he looks for an angel
    and asks, "Was I a mathematician or an engineer before I came here?"  The
    angel ponders the question, and then says, "I wouldn't know...you'd have to
    ask God Himself."  So the next day, the man walks up to God and asks his
    question again.  God's only response is to hand the man a sheet of paper,
    after which he is dismissed.  The man runs back to the same angel, and says,
    "God gave me this paper...what does it say?  I can't read it."  The angel
    scanned the sheet, and then translated aloud:

    Assume:  New arrival was a mathematician in previous plane of existence.

    Proof: 1) Said person is currently in heaven.
           2) Therefore... :)

mathematics physics engineering
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    From: danwong@avalon.nando.net
    Special Category: Afterlife
    A man dies and goes to heaven. Upon his arrival, he looks for an angel and
    asks, "I loved the sea before...could we put in an aquarium here?" The
    angel responds, "Sure," and forwards the request to God immediantly. God
    sees the request and sets to work, but is quickly stymied. He thinks, "We
    need to know the pressure on the surface of the aquarium, but I haven't
    seen calculus in so long...We must have a mathematician." One is quickly
    called for, and solves the problem with ease. Next, God realizes that the
    glass must be able to withstand the pressure, and thinks, "We need a phys-
    icist to tell us how much glass is needed." Once again, a physicist is sum-
    monned and the problem is quickly solved. However, God now realizes that
    there remains the problem of construction, and thinks, "We must have an
    engineer." This time however, there is no response to the summons. God
    quickly notifies the entrance angel to send any engineers to Him right
    away, but to no avail. Finally, after a month he summons the sea-lover to
    his chamber and says, "I'm sorry, but we couldn't make the new aquarium."
    The man obviously wants to know why, and God replies: "We found a mathe-
    matician to figure pressure, we found a physicist to get the glass thick-
    ness right, but we couldn't find an engineer in ALL of heaven to put the
    thing together!!"

mathematics physics engineering
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    From: "james d. hunter" <jim.hunter@jhuapl.edu>
    Engineers are just comfortable that physicists and mathematicians
    always supply the right answer to the wrong question.

mathematics physics chemistry biology computer science
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    From: "Han Zhang" <han_zhang@paradise.net.nz>
    From: "PAUL ROBERT VARLEY" <VAR14084@gorseinon.ac.uk>

                                   What is 1+1?

    * Pure mathematician: The series certainly converges, but we don't know the
    sum.
    * Mathmatician: "It all depends on what base you're using"
    * Statistician: In the survey I conducted with 1,000 randomly selected
    * Statistician: (takes out tables) "I am 95% confident it is between
      1.95 and 2.05"
    * people, 1+1 has a mean of 1.982, and standard deviation 0.107.
    * Applied Mathematician: 1+1=1.9975 (after the 12th iteration)
    * Nuclear Physicist "It has to be less than 2, because we have to
      account for energy lost in binding."
    * Quantum Physicist "If I tell you the answer, you won't have asked
      me the question."
    * Physicist: 1+1=2 with +- 0.1 uncertainty from experimental error.
    * Physicist: (takes out slide rule) "Approximately 1.99"
    * Engineer: (looks over physicist's shoulder) "Approximately 1.99"
    * Computer Scientist: 1+1=10
    * Chemist: 1+1=i. Since one ion plus another ion may form a complex ion.
    * Chemist: "Doesn't IUPAC recommend we work to more significnt
      figures?"
    * Biologist: 1+1=3 if the 2 1's are in opposite sex.
    * Biologist: "How long do they have to breed?"
    * Computer Scientist: "I haven't ironed all the bugs out of that
      program yet..."
    * Economist: 1+1<2 due to the law of diminishing returns.
    * Accountant: "2"
    * Accountant: 1+1=1.67 after deduction of tax.
    * Actuary: "How much do you want it to be?"
    * Lawyer: We don't have enough evidence to decide this until my fee is
    * paid!
    * College Student: 1+1... where's my calculator?
    * Grade 3 student: 1+1=2, and daddy is buying me an icecream!

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 7. combined sciences - general
- 7.1 combined sciences poetry
- 7.2 compare scientists (using lions, elephants, primes etc.)
- 7.3 remarkable scientific sayings from school children and students

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