## 8. ACADEMIC LIFE

#### Subsections

- 8. academic life - general
- 8.1 rules for research
- 8.2 rules for writing an article
- 8.3 academic life poetry
- 8.4 research quotes
- 8.5 publish and explanation quotes
- 8.6 In the classroom
- 8.7 graduate students
- 8.8 exams
- 8.9 love life
- 8.10 students
- 8.11 staff
- 8.12 remarkable academic institutes

### 8.7 GRADUATE STUDENTS

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

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    The upgrade path to the most powerful and satisfying computer:

        * Pocket calculator

        * Commodore Pet / Apple II / TRS 80 / Commodore 64 / Timex Sinclair
          (Choose any of the above)

        * IBM PC

        * Apple Macintosh

        * Fastest workstation of the time (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)

        * Minicomputer (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)

        * Mainframe (IBM, Cray, DEC: your choice)

    And then you reach the pinnacle of modern computing facilities:

    *********************************************************
    *******     G R A D U A T E   S T U D E N T S    ********
    *********************************************************

    Yes, you just sit back and do all of your computing through lowly
    graduate students.  Imagine the advantages:

        * Multi-processing, with as many processes as you have
          students.  You can easily add more power by promising more
          desperate undergrads that they can indeed escape college
          through your guidance.  Special student units can even
          handle several tasks *on*their*own*!

        * Full voice recognition interface.  Never touch a keyboard or
          mouse again.  Just mumble commands and they *will* be
          understood (or else!).

        * No hardware upgrades and no installation required.  Every
          student comes complete with all hardware necessary.  Never
          again fry a chip or $10,000 board by improper installation!
          Just sit that sniveling student at a desk, give it writing
          utensils (making sure to point out which is the dangerous
          end) and off it goes.

        * Low maintenance.  Remember when that hard disk crashed in
          your Beta 9900, causing all of your work to go the great bit
          bucket in the sky?  This won't happen with grad. students.
          All that is required is that you give them a good *whack!*
          upside the head when they are acting up, and they will run
          good as new.

        * Abuse module.  Imagine yelling expletives at your computer.
          Doesn't work too well, because your machine just sits there
          and ignores you.  Through the grad student abuse module you
          can put the fear of god in them, and get results to boot!

        * Built-in lifetime.  Remember that awful feeling two years
          after you bought your GigaPlutz mainframe when the new
          faculty member on the block sneered at you because his
          FeelyWup workstation could compute rings around your
          dinosaur?  This doesn't happen with grad. students.  When
          they start wearing and losing productivity, simply give them
          the PhD and boot them out onto the street to fend for
          themselves.  Out of sight, out of mind!

        * Cheap fuel: students run on Coca Cola (or the high-octane
          equivalent -- Jolt Cola) and typically consume hot spicy
          chinese dishes, cheap taco substitutes, or completely
          synthetic macaroni replacements.  It is entirely unnecessary
          to plug the student into the wall socket (although this does
          get them going a little faster from time to time).

        * Expansion options.  If your grad. students don't seem to be
          performing too well, consider adding a handy system manager
          or software engineer upgrade.  These guys are guaranteed to
          require even less than a student, and typically establish
          permanent residence in the computer room.  You'll never know
          they are around!  (Which you certainly can't say for an
          AXZ3000-69 150gigahertz space-heater sitting on your desk
          with its ten noisy fans....)  [Note however that the
          engineering department still hasn't worked out some of the
          idiosyncratic bugs in these expansion options, such as
          incessant muttering at nobody in particular, occasionaly
          screaming at your grad. students, and posting ridiculous
          messages on world-wide bulletin boards.]

    So forget your Babbage Engines and abacuses (abaci?) and PortaBooks
    and DEK 666-3D's and all that other silicon garbage.  The wave of the
    future is in wetware, so invest in graduate students today!  You'll never
    go back!

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    From: north@hgl.signaal.nl (S.North)

    In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what
    are you up to?"

    "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit.

    "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"

    "Well, follow me and I'll show you."

    They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges
    with a satisfied expression on his face.

    Along comes a wolf.  "Hello, what are we doing these days?"

    "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves."

    "Are you crazy?  Where is your academic honesty?"

    "Come with me and I'll show you." ......

    As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
    and this time he has a diploma in his paw.

    The camera pans back and into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should
    have guessed by now, we see an enourmous  mean-looking lion sitting next
    to the bloody and furry remains of the wolf and the fox.

    The moral of this story is:

    It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
    it's your PhD advisor that counts.

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    From: Tonu Laas <tony@tpu.ee>

After a party for getting a master degree, one of graduate students says to colleagues:

"Henceforth I will go only in funerals and not to graduation parties."

"Why that?" ask the others.

"At funerals nobody asks "Are you the next one?"

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    From: "Little Frank" <fkubat@ticnet.com>
                              GRADUATE SCHOOL BARBIE (TM)

      Graduate School Barbie comes in two styles!
      Delusional Master's Barbie (tm) and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie (tm).

      Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun-filled features
      guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours:

    * Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face
      that turns into a frown after 2 weeks or her first advisor meeting
      (whichever comes first).

    * Adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes!

    * Two outfits: a grubby pair of blue jeans with 5-year-old gap T-shirt,
      and a floppy pair of gray sweatpants with a matching "Go Screw
      Yourself" T-shirt!

    * Grad School Barbie talks! Just press the button on her left hand and
      hear her say such upbeat grad school phrases as,
      "Yes, Professor, It'll be done by tomorrow"
       "I'd love to write it all over again"
      "Why didn't I just get a job, I could have been making $40,000 a year
       by now if I had just started working with a Bachelor's degree. But
       noooooo, Mom and Dad wanted a masters degree" and
       "I wish somebody would drop a bomb on the school so that I'd
       have an excuse to stop working on this degree that's sucking every
       last drop of life force out of my withered and degraded excuse for
       a soul..." (9 V lithium batteries sold separately)

    * Grad School Barbie is anatomically correct!  Experience the exciting
      changes that come with pursuing a higher education! Removable panels
      on Barbie's head and torso allow you to watch as her cerebellum fries
      to a crispy brown, her heart race at 150 beats per minute, and her
      stomach lining gradually dissolve into nothing!

      Deluxe Grad School Barbie comes with specially designed eye ducts.
      Just add water and watch Grad School Barbie burst into tears!
      Fun for the whole family!

      Other accessories include:

    * Grad School Barbie's Fun Fridge (tm). Well stocked with microwave
      popcorn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat free!),and
      small bottle of Mattel Brand Rum (tm).

    * Grad School Barbie's Medicine Cabinet ',".  Comes in Fabulous Pink
      and contains Barbie sized bottles of Advil, St. Johns Wort, Zantac, and
      your choice of three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie Medicine Cabinet
      not available without a prescription).

    * Grad School Barbie's Computer Workstation. Comes with miniature
      obsolete PC (pink of course), rickety desk, and over a dozen miniature
      Mountain Dew cans to decorate your workstation (Mountain Dew deposit
      not included in price, tech support sold separately. Miniature
      cigarette butts and Oreo packages also available)

      And Grad School Barbie is not alone! Order now and
      you'll get two of Barbie's great friends!

      GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN: Barbie's mentor and advisor in her quest
      for increased  education and decreased self esteem.

      Grad Advisor Ken (tm) comes with a supply of red pens and a
      permanent frown. Press the button to hear Grad Advisor Ken deliver
      such wisdom as:

      "I need an update on your progress"
      "I don't think you'll be ready to graduate this spring" and
      "This is no where near ready for publication."

      REAL JOB SKIPPER: When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can
      always count on her good friend Real Job Skipper (tm), who got a job
      after getting her bachelor's degree. Press the button to hear Real
      Job Skipper say:  "Sometimes I wish I went for my masters degree"
      and "Work is so hard! I had to work a half an hour of overtime!"
      Real Job Skipper's Work Wardrobe, Savings Account, and New Car sold
      separately. (WARNING: Do not place Grad Student Barbie and Real Job
      Skipper too close to each other, as there have been several mysterious
      cases of children leaving the room and coming back to find Barbie's
      hands mysteriously fused to Skipper's throat.)

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    From: "Kelvin Mok" <klmok@tunnel.cal.shaw.wave.ca>

    Umpteen years ago when I was an undergrad the Zoology Department used
    to keep a  gibbon under the rooftop sheds.  Every morning and
    evening this gibbon would whoop it up and cry like a child, a very
    mournful, disturbing and distracting cry that carried half across
    the campus. That expression of territorial behavior had many students
    mystified.

    Well during one of the lab classes a student asked the teaching
    assistant "What is that noise?"

    Without missing a beat the TA said "Well a few years ago we had a
    brillinat student.  Studied too hard.  Couldn't hack it and went mad.
     We had to lock him in the roof to let him finish his thesis."

    Our man could certainly tell a whopper when he hears one but
    couldn't call the TA a liar. So went to higher authority.

    "Prof Harrison, TA says that there is a mad student locked upstairs.
    Is that true?"

    "Huh?" The Prof's jaw dropped.  One could clearly see the thoughts
    that raced through his mind. "What has today brought?"

    Then the light bulb lit - Ah! thatTA.

    Postscriptum:
    I was the only one who saw the whole thing because the joke
    went so smoothly and was totally unplanned.  The old prof had passed
    away and the TA is now the Asst. Prof.   She said she had no
    recollection of the incident but we really had a good laugh  when I
    retold that story over a class reunion. Nearly everyone fell off
    their chairs.

    That student went on to law school.  Always wondered if the gibbon
    had anything to do with it.

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    From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
    Subject:      Graduate School
                                   HARD EARNED Ph.D.

    After 12 long, difficult years of study, my daughter finally earned her
    Ph.D.  On the night of her graduation, we celebrated at an exclusive
    restaurant.  "Honey," I said, raising a glass in her direction, "we are
    so happy for you."

    "Thanks, Dad," my daughter replied.  "But from now on, it will be DOCTOR
    honey."

    Gerald DeHaan
    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
                            GRADUATE EDUCATION REQUIREMENTS

    "Many of the requirements of graduate education ...are "dragons."  Dragons
    have no purpose except to be slain; that is, they are tests of motivation
    to prove how difficult it is to get knighthood (or the valuable doctorate)
    and, therefore, how valuable those people must be who already have it (the
    faculty)."  --Mills (1953) cited by Karon, 1995 in "Becoming a first-rate
    professional psychologist despite graduate education."

    James Taylor <tayl5980@mach1.wlu.ca>
    Quote of the Day <qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca>
    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
                           A GRAD-STUDENT CHECKLIST

    6:30 am Wake up and lie awake in bed.

    6:31    Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out
            for the next 6 weeks.

    6:32    Hit snooze button.  Go back to sleep.

    7:00    Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't
            hit the snooze button -- you turned it off.

    7:01    Fall asleep again.

    7:44    Wake up with heart in mouth again.

    7:45    Get ready to go to school, will shave tomorrow, will eat early
            brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever cafeteria).

    8:03    Arrive at school.  Realize your foreign office mate arrived
            earlier today must have got more work done.

    8:04    Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to find out if he
            is coming in today.  He is, darn.  Need to start work on the
            draft due this afternoon.

    8:15    Read electronic mail.

    8:20    Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions
            about the class.  Hate your TA job. Depression:  too much
            work to do today.

    9:00    For jump-start:  go to Pepsi machine.

    9:05    Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company
            and ask for your money back.  Wonder why they would believe you.

    9:33    Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related to
            your work.

    9:41    Early morning stupefaction.  Mutter racist comments to yourself
            about your office mate.

    9:43    Curse your office mate in a low tone he would not comprehend.
            Feel good about him not grasping English well.

    9:58    Finger everyone in the department and most people half way
            around the world (using the "finger" command, of course)

    10:19    Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing Tetris last
             night.

    10:31    Momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!

    10:43    Edit .plan file.  Write a shell program to edit .plan more
             easily.

    10:59    Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you don't
             need & and kinda make him aware you are working hard on your
             project.

    11:05    Perverted daydreams.

    11:11    Read electronic news.  Midmorning yawn time.

    11:34    Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to pretend
             you are working hard as your advisor passes by from outside.

    11:35    Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minute until all
             the garbage you typed in is erased.  Realize that you can type
             more than 256 characters per half minute.

    11:41    Flirt with the new girl in the department.

    11:45    Print out some slides for afternoon's draft + presentation.

    11:47    Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last
             presentation.

    11:49    Print another copy in case this one gets lost.

    11:51    Completely forget about suing the coffee machine company.

    12:15 pm Hunger pangs:

    12:20    BigMac/Fries time.  Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola
             from your desk.  Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying
             bulk cola.

    1:00     Group Meeting with advisor.
    1:14     Sudden awareness of one's shallowness.  Resentment towards foreign
             office mate for sucking up to your advisor.  Get reminded by your
             advisor that you need to do some more work for your literature
             survey.

    1:51     Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections.

    1:51:02   The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!

    1:51:52   Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/
              graduation possibility/graduation date/all job opportunities/
              and the rest of your life.

    1:52:53   Thank him.

    1:52:54   Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your advisor.

    1:53:00   Splitting headache #1.

    1:59    Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are too busy
            to do that.

    2:06    More generic cola.

    2:17    Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonight. :-(

    2:30    Sit through the class you were told to sit through.

    2:39    Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this
            degree program and take up a job.  Wonder why blonde girls are
            so pretty.

    2:48    More perverted daydreams.  Close the office door and open a
            few .gif files.  Sharpen pencil.

    3:06    Worry about never graduating.  Time to write a letter -- NOT!
            no time for that.  Rearrange desk.  Call up bank; see if you
            have any money.  Fear of losing aid next fall.  Read latex
            manuals to figure out how to put &$%&% in %$^% format.

    3:43    Watch the clock.  Make plans to do a all-nighter tonight.  Vow to
            watch only 2 TV programs

    4:58    Notice Advisor leave.

    4:58:01   Sudden sense of freedom.  Go home for quick, short dinner break.

    9:00    Come into the office.

    9:01    The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the

            office late at night to "get the work done."

    9:03    Check electronic mail.  Decide it would be a good time to attack
            those ftp sites since network won't be loaded.  Run into "since
            network won't be loaded" traffic and get the pictures into your
            machine.  Compress all unwanted research/class directories to
            make space.  Back up all your pictures.

    10:11    Admire pictures.  Begin work.  Realize you need references.
            Realize its too late today to go to the library.  Sudden feeling
            of having wasted the day.

    10:49    Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night.  Decide to
            turn in early and come back very early tomorrow morning.  Decide
            to play a Tetris on the system to put yourself in a good mood.

    11:15    Play game after game after game to improve your score and get on
            the scoreboard.  Realize that your office mate is still at number
            6, two notches above you on the scoreboard.

    12:20    Play until you beat your office mate into the 7th place.  A sense
            of achievement!!  Yes, today was not wasted!!  Return home to find
            your roommate watching David Letterman reruns on NBC.  Tell him
            about the "hard working grad student day you had."  Discuss
            philosophy with roommate

    1:09    Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others.
            (The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee :-)  (Comp Sci joke)

            Argue with him about politics, why people prefer Japanese
            cars and whether it is better to set the heat to "hot" or "cold"
            to defrost the windshields faster.

    1:49    Realize neither of you have bought milk today.  Get reminded
            of the "too much milk problem"

    2:04    Forget about getting up early.  Turn the phone ringer off and
            go to sleep.

            (repeat)

    Deanna <deanna@keylink.net>
    David A. Rinke II <drinkeii@erie.net>
    --
    Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

    To subscribe or unsubscribe, write maiser@mail.otherwhen.com
    and put "SUBSCRIBE McHawList" or "UNSUBSCRIBE McHawList" in the
    message body. Send contributions to KSullivan@worldnet.att.net

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    From:     G_Popper@Hotmail.Com
                          WHY GRADUATE STUDENTS ARE LIKE CATS

    They are your friends if you feed them.
    They talk to you and you can't understand what they are saying.
    They tend to run amok in the apartment/house for no apparent reason in short
    bursts of frenzy, followed by dormancy.
    They can survive with a minimum of attention, but do like to be noticed and
    praised every so often.
    They are creatures of the night.
    They follow instructions if they feel like it.
    They can be soft and cuddly when they feel like it.
    Cats barf hairballs, grad students barf highballs (and any other drink they
    can consume to excess).
    Food is very important to them.
    Sleep is also very important to them.
    Both can sleep or otherwise ignore you while you are talking to them.
    Both hide when something big and noisy (vacuum cleaner or supervisor) comes
    into their vicinity
    They eat some of the most disgusting things (free food)
    They can sleep just about anywhere
    They have their own set of morals
    They both like using the computer (cats for warmth)
    They both could care less about (insert anything here)
    They both get amazingly high on herb extracts
    They both represent anarchy in its most creative form
    They both show a general lack of respect for authority
    You see them only at dinner hour
    You get looks like "and you are?", "this concerns me how?", "am I under
    arrest? can I go now?" ,and "duuuude!" from them at least once a day
    The idea of movement horrifies them
    They both tend to collapse in the middle of rooms due to alcohol and/or a
    warm sunbeam.
    They are both vomit machines

computer science
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    From: raja@cs.uiuc.edu (Bala Rajagopalan)

    Recent Results in Theory of Computing - I

                         "The Halting Problem is Solvable"

    A fundamental question in the graduate computer science curriculum can be
    posed as follows: Given an average grad student doing a Ph.D, will the
    student ever complete his dissertation? This problem has been termed the
    "Halting Problem," and it has been an open problem thus far. In the
    following, we show that the halting problem is solvable. Furthermore, the
    problem can be solved within the time stipulated by the Graduate College
    for Ph.Ds or, in the worst case, with only a constant number of petitions
    for extensions.

    The halting problem was first formulated by Alan Turing, who observed a
    number of his graduate students being apparently busy all the time but
    never graduating. Turing tried to solve the problem by first stopping all
    assistantships after the sixth year and then by purging all games from the
    research computers. Needless to say, his efforts were fruitless. Later,
    Church almost succeeded in solving the problem when he placed notices in
    grad students' mailboxes indicating attractive jobs in industry with
    several orders of magnitude higher remuneration. The so called Church's
    thesis was that the halting problem is solvable, given enough financial
    motivation. Church's idea backfired when grads found out that they have to
    actually work to earn money in the outside world. Thus, far from solving
    the halting problem, Church aggravated it (After this, we are not sure
    whether Church himself graduated). Recently, Cook et al have shown that the
    halting problem falls under a new complexity class, "NP Hairy." (NP hairy
    is the class of hopelessly complicated problems with no known solutions.
    The hardest problem in NP hairy has been shown to be the problem of trying
    to claim standard deductions in the 1040 form).

    In the following, we show that the halting problem is indeed solvable. For
    this, we assume the existence of a "Super Grad," who is capable of working
    in any area in CS (except possibly numerical analysis). For notational
    convenience, we call this super grad, S sub G sup i,j sub * (written using
    a funky theoretical CS font). The property of Super grad is that, given the
    description of any grad (mostly in terms of the number of newsfiles he/she
    reads every day) and a description of his/her thesis topic, Super grad will
    either halt with a dissertation or keep publishing technical reports
    indefinitely. Now, we give Super grad a description of himself and his own
    thesis topic. If Super grad halts, we are done (and so is he) otherwise we
    get a stream of technical reports. But by the "fundamental research
    theorem" of CS Departments (refer to the graduate study manual) any five
    arbitrary technical reports on unrelated topics can be compiled into a Ph.D
    thesis. Thus, we are done in the second case too.

    Finally, how long does it take for a dissertation to be completed? The time
    is either less than or equal to the duration allowed by the Grad College
    for the completion of a Ph.D or it is greater. In the latter case, infinite
    number of petitions can be filed for extensions. Since the Grad College
    never remembers previous petitions, the total number of petitions received
    by the Grad College is always one, a small constant. (QED)

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    From: Tonu Laas <tony@tpu.ee>

Q: Why is the thesis of a doctoral degree worse than the thesis of a master degree?

A: Because the theses for a doctoral degree are written by students of masters, but theses for a doctoral degree - by doctors.

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    From: Amitabha Roy <aroy@cs.uoregon.edu>
                                   GRADUATE LIFE

    A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city
    park and they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes
    out in a puff of smoke.

    The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
    you just one."

    "Me first!  Me first!" says the grad student.  "I want to be in the
    Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes
    topless."  Poof!  He's gone.

    "Me next!  Me next!" says the post-doc.  "I want to be in Hawaii,
    relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a
    Mai Tai on the other."  Poof!  He's gone.

    "You're next," the Genie says to the professor.

    The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

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    From Aliquotes Volume V Number x October/97 (rogerb@microsoft.com)

                       ÛÛÛÛÛ                         ÛÛÛÛÛ
                      °°ÛÛÛ                         °°ÛÛÛ
                       °ÛÛÛ         ÛÛÛÛÛÛ   ÛÛÛÛÛ  ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ
                       °ÛÛÛ        ÛÛÛ°°ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ°°  °°°ÛÛÛ°
                       °ÛÛÛ       °ÛÛÛ °ÛÛÛ°°ÛÛÛÛÛ   °ÛÛÛ
                       °ÛÛÛ      Û°ÛÛÛ °ÛÛÛ °°°°ÛÛÛ  °ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ
                       ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ°°ÛÛÛÛÛÛ  ÛÛÛÛÛÛ   °°ÛÛÛÛÛ
                      °°°°°°°°°°°  °°°°°°  °°°°°°     °°°°°

    One...   belief in a bright future

    Last Seen... between transfer into PhD programme and and present

    If Found... please return to nearest graduate student

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    From Aliquotes Volume V Number vii July/97 (rogerb@microsoft.com)
    While it is true that William Shakespeare was an extremely prolific
    playwright and is known the world over for his keen insights into the human
    condition, it is a much lesser known fact that Bill was also a graduate
    student in the Department of Alchemy at the University of Avon (home of the
    "Fighting Lip Balms" football team).  His experiences in science have lead
    to graduate school references in a number of his plays, as indicated below.

    "My friends were poor but honest."
      - All's well that ends well, act I, scene ii.
    "Oft expectations fail, and most oft there where most it promises."
      - All's well that ends well, act II, scene i.
    "The little foolery that wise men have makes a great show."
      - As you like it, act I, scene ii.
    "My pride fell with my fortunes."
      - ibid.
    "A wretched soul, bruised with adversity."
      - A comedy of errors, act II, scene i.
    "Some griefs are medicinable."
      - Cymbeline, act II, scene ii (originally linked with the line "Get thee
    to a med school." which was later adapted for Hamlet.)

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    From: David A. Rinke II <drinkeii@erie.net>, Natalie Brady
    <Natalie_Brady@maclan.mcgill.ca>, Tonia Sciannamblo
    <TONIA@PENSIONS.Lan.McGill.CA>, Daniela Addona <lmcdaad>, Martin Miron
    <lmcmmir@LMC.Ericsson.SE>, Laporte Isabelle <laporti@ERE.UMontreal.CA>,
    Jocelyn G <jgagnon@refer.qc.ca>, Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>, Keith
    E. Sullivan <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>

    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
    LANGUAGE USED BY THESIS ADVISORS

    WHAT YOUR ADVISOR SAYS                WHAT YOUR ADVISOR MEANS
    -------------------------             --------------------------

    Look at this as a learning            You're going to suffer
    experience

    Let me explain the format of the      Let me make you even more nervous.
    defense.

    I'm here to lend you support.         I'm here to destroy you so you
                                          won't look smarter than me.

    I found the overall concept           This is my token compliment before
    interesting.                          ripping your idea to shreds.

    I would like to have had more time    I didn't read it.
    to study this.

    I have some concerns about the        I hate the theory, but I can't insult
    theory upon which your study is       the author so I'll insult your
    based.                                work instead.

    There are some aspects of the         I read it but I just don't remember
    study that I would like to hear       anything about it.
    more about.

    Your hypotheses are not strongly      You came up with an innovative idea
    enough linked to the existing         and I want to make sure you never
    literature.                           do it again.

    Your research is an interesting       Why didn't I think of this before
    extension of my own work.             you did?

    You have failed to take into          You failed to cite me.
    account some of the more relevant
    literature.

    I would like you to explain...        I don't know anything about this stuff
                                          so you'll have to explain it to me.

    Your statistical results don't        I don't understand statistics.
    seem to support your hypothesis.

    Your selection of statistical         I'm the only one here that understands
    tests is rather simplistic.           statistics and I wanted to rub it in.

    How did you ensure that you had       I had to come up with at least one
    drawn a random sample?                question and this one always
                                          works.

    This is a great topic for your        This is some grunge work that
    thesis.                               will help me get tenure.

    You will be ready to write up         You have now become a useful slave,
    soon, but need to do just one         and I am not about to let you
    more experiment/program/chip.         graduate without doing more
                                          footwork for me.

    Your funding is secure.               Maybe.

    Your funding is probably OK.          Start worrying.

    I'll see what we can do about         Start looking for another advisor.
    funding.

    Think of this as an investment        We're going to exploit you to the
    in skills that will be useful         gills.
    to you in your later career.

    Don't listen to XYZ, just             Both XYZ and I are fools, but I'm
    listen to me.                         funding you.

    Let's wrap this up.                   I'm hungry.

    Could you step out of the room        We decided beforehand to give you
    while the committee comes to a        your degree, but we still want to make
    decision?                             you sweat some more.

    Write another chapter.                Write another chapter.

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    From: srt@cs.ucla.edu (Scott R. Turner)

    Special Category: Top Reasons
                   TOP TEN EXCUSES WHY YOU HAVEN'T GRADUATED YET

    10. Recurring bouts of malaria slow research.
     9.  Cost of translation from Ancient Sumerian limits
         obtainability of important research materials.
     8.  Can't remember anything that happened in 1986.
     7.  Six month sabbatical to train for World Bellyflop
         Championships (placed sixth, highest U.S. finisher).
     6.  I.M. coaching position a lifelong responsibility.
     5.  Certain I can win with a female gnome paladin.
     4.  Could type a lot faster on a Dvorak keyboard.
     3.  Wasted time memorizing UUCP map of the US and
         Australia.
     2.  Thought the major field exam was "just a joke" until too late.

    And the Best Reason for Not Yet Graduating:

     1.  Could have finished years ago, but wanted dissertation to rhyme.

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    From: Aliquotes iv.iii (journal) (rogerb@microsoft.com)
    Special Category: Top Reasons
                  TEN REASONS WHY MY THESIS TOOK SO LONG TO WRITE

    1. I had to run that gel nine times before I loaded just enough to keep the
       contaminants from showing.
    2. I couldn't remember the biological significance of my work.
    3. Writing is very boring ... although, I now have high score on
       "Wolfenstein".
    4. I had to repeat that last experiment four times to get the results
       I wanted^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D just right.
    5. I had to wait three weeks for new cells as my original tissue cultures
       are now a rhinovirus purification kit.
    6. I was to busy in interviews with future employers (yeah right!).
    7. My psychotherapy sessions took longer than I expected, but I'm
       apparently doing much better.
    8. I wanted my thesis to be not only informative but an entertaining work
       of fiction.
    9. Mine is not a hypo-thesis, it's a hyper-thesis.
    10.I don't want to leave ... please, don't make me go ... I like it here ..
       it's scary out there ...

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                 CONFIDENTIAL GUIDELINES FOR A PHD THESIS DEFENSE
                                                        By  Godfried Bomans

    Such a thesis defense, it gladdens me.  I sit there as promotor, hugging
    myself in glee.  Because naturally there has to be opposed.  In the first
    place, I do that myself. The matter is safe.  I won't say more, as this
    book will also fall into the hands of the less educated.  In the second
    place, others do this.  The law it says that everybody may do this, even
    the cleaning woman of the building, but in practice not much comes of that.
    As a rule the practice is limited to professors of the own or adjoining
    faculties.  And there are some dirty customers between them.  My advise to
    the promovendus is, to bent forward observantly and ask smiling *this*
    question: 'What does the esteemed opponent mean?'  Than he is
    stuck. Because what does this question imply?

    For starters, that what he is saying *now*, is in any case gibberish.  And
    because that is usually true, you already reached *that*.  But there is
    more.  Because the question, that the man had constructed the night before
    in bed, has to be rigged up again.  In the case he succeeds (which rarely
    happens), there is still no case for panic.  You *keep* smiling, but this
    time with compassion, tempered by respect.  Especially the last is
    important, because you may not infuriate the guys.  In their anger they
    might rap out something sensible and then we are in real trouble.  What to
    do now.  I will tell, despite that it is really a waste.  You remark,
    tilting your head a little to show that the blunder hurts you yourself, the
    following: 'As you know Nudelman already anticipated this contention in
    1903'.  I would not go before 1903.  Put it in the nineteenth century and
    it becomes too big.  'Already in 1903' is bitter enough.  Prof. Nudelmann
    does not exist naturally, no more than the book you refer to.  I will
    explain later how important this is.  Because what must your opponent do
    now?

    He can say, that he never read Nudelmann.  Then he is a goner immediately.
    You show this with a movement of your hand to the Academic Senate and sit
    down.  The man will reach his pension, but as a professor he can forget it.
    He can also say, that of course he knows Nudelmann but not *this*
    particular passage.  This is also weak.  People should master Nudelmann
    completely.  Half science is charlantanry.  He can also say, that of course
    he knows the pronouncement, but is of a different opionion.  That is a
    dangerous game. And that *must* go wrong.  Who disagrees with an author,
    about one did not even know the existence will undoubtly ride into a hole.
    You can confidently leave that to him.  On his every assertment, you
    answer: 'Exactly, exactly, continue just a bit longer, because that is
    exactly the chain of reasoning, Nudelmann had in mind.'  And nothing is as
    unnerving as encouraging nonsense. It will sap the strongest.

    But your opponent is wiser.  As soon as you utter 1903, he will declare
    himself 'completely satisfied' and sit down.  Yeah, he will risk his cap,
    just for the pleasure of endangering yours.  He may be a professor, but he
    is is also the provider for his family.  Take care, that afterwards, during
    the reception, you go to him and thank him for his remark, which gave you
    something to think about *anyway*.  Stare into your sherry and move away
    pondering, as if you had been revealed a vision.  There is even nothing
    against agreeing, the was was really in the right. He is no longer a
    danger.

    Source: Godfried Bomans: Thomas Robert Spoon
    Part of chapter III : Confidential guidelines
    Godfried Bomans, werken III, 1999
    (Originally published in Elseviers Weekblad, 1954)
    Blame the Translation on Joachim Verhagen.

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    From: mnsotn@picard.cs.wisc.edu (Christopher Bovitz)

    189 THINGS (NOT) TO DO AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE (in no particular order)

    Written by Peter Dutton, Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen,
            grad students extrordiannaire (#1 - 101).
            Appended by Chris Bovitz, grad student grandioso (#102-131).
            (#132 from Mary C. Liles).
            Patricia Whitson and a few others (#130-...)

      1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National
              Anthem..."
      2) Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
      3) "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
      4) Interpretive dance.
      5) "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
      6) Stage your own death/suicide.
      7) Lead the specators in a Wave.
      8) Have a sing-a-long.
      9) "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
     10) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and
             concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."
     11) Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors
             from sitting in.
     12) Puppet show.
     13) Group prayer.
     14) Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.
     15) Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
     16) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"
     17) Imitate Groucho Marx.
     18) Mime.
     19) Hold a Tupperware party.
     20) Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
     21) "Everybody rhumba!!"
     22) "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
     23) Charge a cover and check for ID.
     24) "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal oppression of
             minorities..."
     25) "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
     26) Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
     27) Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
     28) Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
     29) Door prizes and a raffle.
     30) "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."
     31) "And now, a word from our sponsor..."
     32) Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.
     33) Whine piteously, beg, cry...
     34) Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.
     35) The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")
     36) Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
     37) Fashion show.
     38) "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."
     39) "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
     40) Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).
     41) Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.
     42) Pass the collection basket.
     43) Two-drink minimum.
     44) Black tie only.
     45) "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a
             Jew walked into a bar..."
     46) Incite a revolt.
     47) Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
     48) Release a flock of doves.
     49) Defense by proxy.
     50) "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."
     51) Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.
     52) "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
     53) "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"
     54) Bring your pet boa.
     55) Tell ghost stories.
     56) Do a "show and tell".
     57) Food fight.
     58) Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.
     59) Halftime show.
     60) "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"
     61) "OK - which one of you farted?"
     62) Rimshot.
     63) Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands.
     64) Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
     65) 3-ring defense.
     66) "Tag - you're it!"
     67) Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure
         that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.
     68) Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the
          original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to
          Made-up non-existent room number)"
     69) Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.
     70) Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.
     71) Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me
             Professors X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens.
     72) Have a make-your-own-sundae table.
     73) Make committee members wear silly hats.
     74) Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the
             spectators.
     75) Do a soft-shoe routine.
     76) Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and
             pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.
     77) Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
     78) "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."
     79) Tap dance.
     80) Vaudeville.
     81) "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'.
             You're out."
     82) Flex and show off those massive pecs.
     83) Dress in top hat and tails.
     84) Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and
             a bonfire.
     85) Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.
     86) Shadow puppets.
     87) Show slides of your last vacation.
     88) Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in
             charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
     89) Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room
          making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture.
     90) "OK, everybody -
           heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."
     91) Call your advisor "sweetie".
     92) Have everyone pose for a group photo.
     93) Instant replay.
     94) Laugh maniacally.
     95) Talk with your mouth full.
     96) Start speaking in tongues.
     97) Explode.
     98) Implode.
     99) Spontaneously combust.
    100) Answer every question with a question.
    101) Moon everyone in the room after you are done.
    102) Rearrange the chairs into a peace symbol.
    103) Refer to yourself in the third person, like Julius Caesar did.
    104) Mention your professor as "my helper."
    105) Say that you'd like to thank a few people.  Pull out the White Pages.
             Start reading.
    106) Advertise it as "pot luck".
    107) Talk in Klingonese.
    108) Dress like your favorite character from "Star Trek".
    109) Ask imaginary helpers to change transparencies; fly off the handle
             when they don't.
    110) Wear a trenchcoat.  And nothing else.
    111) Dress in a Wild West style.
    112) Go dressed in scuba gear.  Use the oxygen tank.
    113) Preface with the story of your life.
    114) Wear a swimsuit from the opposite sex:  man - wear a bikini, woman -
             wear trunks.
    115) Have bodyguards on your sides as you talk.  The bigger, the better.
             Have a questioner thrown out "as an example."
    116) Have someone wheel in a big cake with you in it.  Jump out and begin.
    117) Perform your defense as a Greek tragedy, kill yourself offstage when
             you're done.
    118) Half way through, break down.  Go to your professor, curl up on
             his or her lap and call him or her "Mommy".  Suck your thumb.
    119) Suddenly develop Turret's Syndrome.
    120) Suddenly develop the China Syndrome.
    121) "This defense has been sponsored by the fine people at (your favorite
             corporation)..."
    122) Secede from the U.S.  Give yourself political asylum.
    123) Talk in Canadianese - add an "eh" after every sentence.
    124) When a professor asks you a question, argue with your imaginary twin
             over the final answer.
    125) Videotape it ahead of time, and get someone set it up to show.  Come in
             the back and sit there.  When your tape is done, ask for questions.
             In person.
    126) Have every person pick a "CB" handle.  Enforce their usage.  Talk in
           CB lingo.  End every statement with "good buddy."  End every question
           with "over."
    127) Provide party favors.  Noisy ones.
    128) Frequently ask if anyone has to go to the potty.
    129) Mention that you have to hurry because "Hard Copy" is on in 15 minutes.
    130) Dress like your school mascot.
    131) Urge your committee that if they like your defense enough to tell two
           friends, and then they'll tell two friends, and so on, and so on...
    132) Show up in drag accompanied by the Drag Queens you met at last night's
             performance and proclaim your thesis presentation will instead
             discuss: "Blue Eyeshadow: Our Friend Or Foe?"
    From: smitch@alcor.concordia.ca (Sidney N. Mitchell)

    133) Plead the fifth ammendment if you can't answer a question.
    134) Keep your back to the committee during the presentation and
          defense phases.
    135) Answer only questions that begin with sir and end with sir. (tell
           your committe this beforehand).
    136) Limit the number of questions that you will allow, and then when
          the limit is almost reached, go into aerobics terminology...
          four more...three more...two more..and...rest.
    137) Ignore the committee and say "I think that young man/lady at the back
          has a question".
    138) Have your parents call your committee members repeatedly the week
          before your defense to tell them how expensive it is putting a
          child through graduate school etc.
    139) At the defense, have your parents sit directly behind your committee.
    140) Burp, pass gas, scratch (anywhere repeatedly), and pick your nose.

    141) "Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at
            Einstein..."
    142) Hand out 3-D glasses.
    143) "I'm rubber, you're glue..."
    144) Go into labor (especially for men).
    145) Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent.
    146) "I don't know - I didn't write this."
    147) Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats.
    148) Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan.
    149) Lock the department head and his secretary out of the defense room. And
            the coffee lounge, the department office, the copy room, and the mail
            room. Heck, lock them out of the building. And refuse to sell them
            stamps.
         (NOTE: This is an inside gripe, based on conditions that existed in
         the ME department at WPI while we were there. Sorry.)
    150) Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy".
    151) Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional.
    152) Invite the homeless.
    153) "I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you"
    154) Hide.
    155) Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and
            "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps).
            Turn to the stunned audience and ask "any other wise-ass remarks?"
    156) Same as #154, except use real bullets.
    157) "Well, I saw it on the internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..."
    158) Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And
            nothing else.
    159) Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy".
    160) Play Thesis Mad Libs.
    161) Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.
    162) Do your entire defense operatically.
    163) Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you.
            ("We always knew he was such an intelligent child")
    164) Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.
    165) Mosh pit.
    166) Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!")
    167) Bring Howard Cosell out of retirement to do color commentary.
    168) "I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"
    169) Claim political asylum.
    170) Traffic reports every 10 minutes on the 1's.
    171) Introduce the "Eyewitness Thesis Team". Near the end of your talk, cut
            to Jim with sports and Alison with the weather.
    172) Live radio and TV coverage.
    173) Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions"
    174) Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style.
    175) Use a TelePromTer
    176) "Take my wife - please!"
    177) Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick.
    178) Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a
            spoon, you have to kiss your thesis. Or your advisor.
    179) Offer a toast.
    180) Firewalk.
    181) Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early.
    182) Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each
            question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience
            as well.
    183) Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.
    184) "By the power of Greyskull..."
    185) Use any past or present Saturday Night Live catchphrase. Not.
    186) Stand on the table.
    187) Sell commercial time for your talk and ad space on your overheads.
    188) Hold a raffle.
    189) "You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you
            what I COULD have done..."

    (FINAL NOTE: Depending on the subject of your thesis, some of these things,
    such as tap dance, virtual reality, or reading from the Book of Mormon
    might be entirely appropriate, of course.)

    (FINAL FINAL NOTE: Circulate this list freely if you'd like, but please
    remember to credit Peter, Jim, and Alison as the major authors.)

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    From: grizzly@iastate.edu (Eric H Anderson)

    The graduate student's prayer (with apologies)

    Our professor, who art in tenure,
    Hallowed by thy grant.
    Thy method come.  They experiment be done,
    in lab as it is in textbooks.
    Give us this day, our daily enzyme.
    And forgive us our contamination,
    as we forgive our collaborators.
    And lead us not into chemistry,
    but deliver us from physics:
    For thine is the laboratory, and the method,
    and the glory, for ever.
    Amen.

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    From: pclarke@waite.adelaide.edu.au (Philip Clarke)

    Special Category: Top Reasons
    The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
    (taken from the Harvard Crimson)

    10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making
        $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
    9.  I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
    8.  My work has a lot of practical importance.
    7.  I would never date an undergraduate.
    6.  Your latest article was so inspiring.
    5.  I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
    4.  I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
    3.  The department is giving me so much support.
    2.  My job prospects look really good.
    1.  No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

    Special Category: Top Reasons
    Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Fellows:

    5.  I'm not going to grant any extensions.
    4.  Call me any time.  I'm always available.
    3.  It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
    2.  Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
    1.  My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

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    From: pclarke@waite.adelaide.edu.au (Philip Clarke)

    Special Category: You might be a scientist if...
    You just might be a graduate student if...

     ...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
     ...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
     ...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the
        progress of your own joke across the Internet.
     ...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
     ...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
     ...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
     ...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
     ...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
     ...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while
        researching a single paper.
     ...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
     ...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
     ...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at
        the library.
     ...you look forward to summers because you're more productive
        without the distraction of classes.
     ...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
     ...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
     ...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
     ...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than
        the actual text.
     ...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are
        now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
     ...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
     .. you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you
        realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
    ....you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th
        grade".
    ....you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
    ....you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting
       scurvy
    ....you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry
    ....you have more photocopy cards than credit cards
    ....you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as
        "personal communication"

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    From: Aliquotes iv.i (journal) (rogerb@microsoft.com)
                                 A DAY IN THE LIFE
    Damn. 5:30 am. Time to get out of bed. Ah, I really don't need to get up
    yet. I'll just snooze for a few more minutes. Dreaming now. I'm standing at
    a conveyor belt and stamping the lids onto bottles. Stamp, stamp, stamp.
    Boss is looming over me. Wants to see me in the office. No I'm on a stage
    receiving the Nobel Prize. For what? What did I do? Rinnnnnnnnnng. Whew.
    12:00 noon. That was an awful dream. Sure glad I don't work in a place like
    that. You know, I sort of feel like baking some bread for breakfast this
    morning. All I need to do is buy som flour and ... AH CRAP!! Broke again. I
    forgot I blew all that money on photocopying yesterday. Ah well, Kraft
    dinner sounds good...

    Whow I'm at work before 3 pm today. I've got to stop being so hard on
    myself like this. Wait a second - where is everybody? There isn't a soul
    around here! Oh yeah! There's a seminar at 3! What does this notice say
    about it? Yikes, who would go to listen to this talk? It sounds so *dull*.
    Let's see here - yep, there's coffe and donuts served. That explains it.
    I'm too late for it, so what shall I do? I know! I can do some computer
    work! There has got to be a video game high score to break somewhere!

    Okay, It's 6 pm. Perhaps I should go home and relax. Ah, alright, I'll
    check yesterdays experiments.
    OH MY GOD! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! THIS CAN'T BE TRUE! EVERYBODY WILL BE
    OVERWHELMED WITH AMAZEMENT! The experiments failed again. Should have
    guessed so. I tell you, someday that distilled water is going to have to be
    tested. It really is wreaking havoc with my science...

    Alright. Time to go home an do some reading. I always find it more
    productive to read my journals at home in a relaxed environment, away from
    the pressures of the lab. Let's see here. "The journal of Chemical
    Biology". Nah. How about "The Biological Chemistry Journal". Read it. Okay
    here's something new: "The Biological Journal of Chemistry". Yeah, this is
    it. Wow, first paragraph and I'm lost. Feeling sleepy ... stay awake ...
    can't ... Zzzzzzzzzz.

    8 pm. A day of grad school concludes.
                                        (Not Andy Green's, however)

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    Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
    Q: Why did the graduate student cross the road?
    A: He was writing his dissertation on the chicken.

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    From: Aliquotes iv.i (journal) (rogerb@microsoft.com)
    From the people, who brought you "The graduate game of life"
                            THE POST-DOC PERSONEL GAME

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    From: umucjonathan@yahoo.com (Jonathan D Loo)

    According to the U.S. government student loan program's "Exit Counseling
    Guide for Borrowers," I am required by the Federal government to notify my
    school if I graduate.

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 8. academic life - general
- 8.1 rules for research
- 8.2 rules for writing an article
- 8.3 academic life poetry
- 8.4 research quotes
- 8.5 publish and explanation quotes
- 8.6 In the classroom
- 8.7 graduate students
- 8.8 exams
- 8.9 love life
- 8.10 students
- 8.11 staff
- 8.12 remarkable academic institutes

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