## 2. PHYSICS

#### Subsections

- 2. physics - general
- 2.1 physics poetry
- 2.2 physics quotes
- 2.3 physics puns
- 2.4 pseudo physics (cat physics, cartoon physics)
- 2.5 new physical theories
- 2.6 learning physics
- 2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots)
- 2.8 physical proofs
- 2.9 physical one-liners
- 2.10 quantum mechanics (starring Schroedingers cat!)
- 2.11 relativity
- 2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer
- 2.13 physicists
- 2.14 astronomy
- 2.15 electrons
- 2.16 electro-magnetism and light
- 2.17 Newtons's laws and classical dynamics
- 2.18 thermodynamics
- 2.19 in the lab
- 2.20 strange but real findings
- 2.21 the buttered bread on cat problem

### 2.6 LEARNING PHYSICS

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physics
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         JOKES FROM THE AMERICAN PHYSICAL SOCIETY PUBLICATIONS...(4/6/96)

    Sex or physics discovers the joy of: Quite a surprise, the JOY of sex. Who
    would have expected it? Imagine you are in your teens and it will take
    another dozen years of intense study to master sex. The years are filled
    with uncertainty.  Sex is damn hard. It's not for everyone. You have to
    work long hours at it and neglect other things. Will you qualify?  And then
    what? Sure, you're good at it but will you get a job doing sex? Come on,
    gang, be realistic. What we need is The Joy of Physics. Lavishly
    illustrated, it will show all the positions by which you can go blind
    squinting at spectra.

    Marketing or Physics Finally Learns How to Write a College Catalog Entry:
    (Physics 101, in competition with comparable courses of other science
    departments, is a Quantitative Lab Science Elective for non-science
    majors.) Students, listen up. You don't want to get acid burns on your
    clothes. You don't want to cut up frogs. You don't want to spend your days
    cracking rocks in the vain hope that the inside will differ from the
    outside or your nights freezing on the roof waiting for the clouds to pass
    so you can peek at the moon. I didn't think so. Take Physics 101. The
    objective is to learn a little useful science and get a grade you and I can
    both live with without either of us suffering too much. Sound good?

    The Legal Profession or Physics Discovers Advertising: Don't get burned
    twice. Your experiment has failed to produce the desired result. It's not
    your fault. It's the equipment. It's the manufacturer. They didn't do the
    job. Sue them. Physics Legal Aid will handle your case. Remember, if you
    don't get paid, we don't get paid. And we always get paid.

    The Medical Profession or Physics Discovers Billing: Someone has a sick
    experiment. That's your cue and a cue for all other physicists within
    hearing. You simply show up one morning, read the thermometer, and mail in
    a bill for two hundred dollars. It works like magic. And most patients
    recover. The insurance company pays and we all feel better.

    Major League Sports or Physics Discovers Free Agency: (Be careful; this
    strategy works best for twenty game winners or thousand yard rushers, in
    other words Nobel Prize candidates.) My client has worked through his
    contract and is not free to sign with any other school run by millionaires.
    So bid him up. Maybe when all bids are in he'll re-sign with the same
    school for ten times his former salary. Plus incentives. Multi-year offers
    only.

    Telemarketing or Physics Discovers Matchmaking: Have I got a physicist for
    you? She's fresh out of school, our latest product. She programs in many
    languages. She builds equipment. She can pull a vacuum with best of
    them. And don't worry, fans, she checks for hidden leaks and repairs them.
    But that's not all. Your ginsu physicist takes data, analyzes it, fits it
    to standard models. That's still not all. At the command WRITE she will
    type your paper meeting the requirements of PHYS REV. Attractive enough to
    be in your own home yet sufficiently durable for the laboratory, this
    physicist will make you the envy of your friends. And she is almost willing
    to share housework or babysitting 50/50. Make that 25/75 and you do the
    cooking. Not sold in stores.

    Astrology of Physics Encounters the Daily Newspaper: (Can you believe the
    Hartford Courant?) If today is your birthday and you are reading this
    column, you're out of your mind. What are you doing? Get out, get a life,
    study physics. (Getting control over my word processor.) Energy will be
    conserved.  Use it well. Entropy will be created. Try not to worry.
    Discoveries will be made. By someone. (This shows the strong resemblance
    between astrological divination and Chinese cookie fortunes.)

physics
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                           Physics Course List

    * Do you scoff at artists who put the colors in the wrong order when
      painting a rainbow?
    * Do you try to correct people who refer to the clouds above a
      boiling pot as steam instead of water vapor?
    * Have you ever wanted to know why it is that 'hot air rises' and
      'cold air sinks', but the higher you go the colder the air gets?

    If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you are a
    budding physicist (and you thought that only botanists were budding!).
    We strongly recommend that you drop whatever else you are doing
    (DROP/ADD forms are available at the Registrar's Office) and enroll as
    a physics major. If you need any further convincing, just have a look
    at all the wonderful courses we offer.

    PHYS 100 Introduction to Physics
           A required course for students in all subject areas which
           require the ability to think (e.g. engineering, physics, math
           ...)
           Topics Include: energy, momentum, heat, electricity, magnetism,
           optics, gravity
           Prerequisites: Grade 12 Math and Physics

    PHYS 110 Non-Calculus Physics
           The ideal course for students in non-scientific areas of
           science (biology, geology, psychology and other such stuff). If
           the only reason you would ever be dragged into a physics class
           is that your degree requirements call for it - this is the
           course for you.
           Topics Include: user-friendly, watered-down versions of all the
           good stuff covered in PHYS 100
           Prerequisites: Grade 3 Math, ability to distinguish between
           moving and parked cars

    PHYS 123 Physics for Artsies
           This is admittedly a blatent attempt to increase enrollment in
           physics and simultaneously offer paid early retirement to some
           of our department members. But hey, what about 'Rocks for
           Jocks', or 'Computers for Clutzes'? Why are we expected to be
           the one department in the University that only offers quality
           courses? So if you need a science credit, and want to do as
           little work as possible to get it - remember 1-2-3. (Those who
           have already taken MATH 3.14159 Numbers, Fingers, and Stuff
           will have an advantage in remembering this.)
           Topics Include: which way is up? why tie your shoelaces? the
           difference between steam and ice (time and class intelligence
           permitting)
           Prerequisites: pulse rate greater than 10 beats per minute

    PHYS 150 Introduction to Astronomy
           The ideal course for those who wish to study physics without
           having to actually study physics. This is traditionally the
           course of choice for those who think a physics minor would look
           good on their c.v., but who have no interest or ability in the
           subject.
           Topics Include: which end of the telescope is for looking in?
           Prerequisites: A pledge never to ask the professor his 'sign'

    PHYS 200 Modern Physics
           Learn about all the theories and critical experiments of the
           last century, without being burdened with the mathematics that
           would permit you to do something with this knowledge.
           Topics Include: the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (perhaps)
           Prerequisites: readiness to accept that everything we taught
           you in PHYS 100 is only a classical approximation

    PHYS 201 E&M #1
           We couldn't teach you Electromagnetism properly in PHYS 100
           because you had not yet taken any vector calculus. Even though
           you still have not taken any class in vector calculus, we
           consider that anybody who has opted to major in physics should
           be able to absorb the entire content of MATH 201 in the first
           week of the term.
           Topics Include: Maxwell's equations
           Prerequisites: PHYS 205, MATH 100

    PHYS 205 Optics
           Using your knowledge of electromagnetic fields (which you will
           acquire next term in PHYS 201) we introduce the subject of
           light - what is it and how does it behave?
           Topics Include: did you know that nearsighted people have eyes
           that are too strong, not too weak?
           Prerequisites: PHYS 201

    PHYS 207 Mechanics
           No, this is not a course in car maintainance!
           Topics Include: trajectories, oscillations, Hilbert space
           Prerequisites: PHYS 100

    PHYS 300 S&M (Sadistical Mechanics)
           Have you ever wondered what the laws of statistics and quantum
           mechanics say would happen if you were to put
           1,000,000,000,000,000 gas molecules into a container? Take this
           class and find out!
           Topics Include: the Grand Ole Canonical Partition Function
           Prerequisites: PHYS 100, MATH 523

    PHYS 312 QM (Quantum Mechanics)
           This is what we wanted to teach you in PHYS 200, but weren't
           able to because you had only had five calculus courses so far.
           Topics Include: is your cat really alive?
           Prerequisites: PHYS 200

    PHYS 400 E&M #2
           Having weeded out all but the most highly intelligent students
           with PHYS 201, we are now able to get into the real meat of the
           subject of Electromagnetic waves and fields.
           Topics Include: optics, relativity, gauge transforms
           Prerequisites: PHYS 201, every math course you can get

    PHYS 456 Advanced Physics for Artsies
           We are presently the only Physics Department in the world to
           offer an advanced physics course especially geared for
           humanities students. Our consistent offering of this course is
           evidence of our belief that Physics is indeed a subject for
           everyone. In fact, Dr. M.C. Skewaired (who has been teaching
           this class for the last 14 years) has often said in defense of
           the funding for the course 'if I ever get any students, they
           will love this class'.
           Topics Include: which way is down?
           Prerequisites: PHYS 123

physics
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    From: <sinan@lumina.ro>
    I am a Physics teacher at The International School of Bucharest. Your site
    is a real treasure, and  I wanted to add a small jewellery:
    It happened in my class..
    'We were talking about the acceleration of free-fall. I wrote a 'g' letter
    on the board, and asked 'How can we measure this constant? Do you have any
    idea?' One of them stood up, came to the board, and measured the length of
    the 'g' letter on the board, and said 'by a ruler, teacher!'

physics
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    Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
    lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your
    hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you
    notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This
    teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never
    use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical
    lesson.

    It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your
    feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
    that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The
    electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where
    they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to
    his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.

    Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
    touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger
    would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have
    carpeting.
                                         Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

physics
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    From: "Frank Bohan" <franbo@globalnet.co.uk>

    Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
    mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of
    these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them
    in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who
    flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a serious electrical shock.
    This proved that lighting was powered by the same force as carpets, but it
    also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in
    incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny earned."
    Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.
                                   -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

    Ben Franklin may have found  electricity,  but  the guy who invented
    the meter  is the guy who came  off  with  the real gold out of this
    whole process. --- Unknown (may also be Dave Barry)

physics
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    From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
    TRANSFORMATIONS AND DISTRIBUTION

    Dear Dr. Science,

    I am interested in Fourier Transformations and the Theory of
    Distribution.  Can you help me?

           -- Prabir Mitra, Katowice, Silesia/Poland

    What could you possibly need help with?  Why, those transformations are
    as plain as the nose on my face.  Think of them as a filter that detects
    random patterns and sends them far, far away.  The Theory of
    Distribution is the way the random garbage finds its way to the dump.
    The dump used to be on Staten Island, but now it's on a barge, circling
    the world, looking for a port that will accept it.  If Poland doesn't
    watch out, all the world's random patterns will end up there or in
    Czekoslovakia.  Throw them into the Baltic, it's already so polluted no
    one will notice.  At least that's what the Soviets thought.

    All Dr. Science material Copyright 1996 Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre.
    All rights reserved.

    Dr. Science <Doc@drscience.com> http://www.drscience.com

physics
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    From: ablang@mailcity.com (Ron Ablang)
                                Physics saves lives

    One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated
    concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have
    to learn this pointless information."

    "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the
    lecture.

    A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does
    physics save lives?" he persisted.

    "It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the
    professor.

physics
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    From: livesey@eng.sun.com (Jon Livesey)

    I don't know if this counts as a joke, but I was there when it
    happened.

    	Early morning Physics class filled with slightly
    	dazed freshmen.    Eager beaver post-doc teaching
    	the class asks "The wavelength of the Sodium yellow
    	line.   What is it?   You there!"

    	Fortunately he has his eagle eye on the guy next
    	to me, who mutters: oh shit, and replies "A hundred
    	and one?"

    	"Hah!" says the postdoc "A hundred and one what?"

    	"Um, a hundred and one, point two?"

physics
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    From: "Jason Sykora" <theoretical_physics@lycos.com>

    Superposition Redefined

    As a doctoral student in phsyics, I was recently teaching a freshman lab on
    vibrations in strings.  One of the students asked me, "What is
    superposition?"

    One of the young women in class responded very quickly, before I had the
    chance to, "Oh, that is when you are on top!"

    Followed a few seconds later by, "I can't believe
    I just said that!"

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 2. physics - general
- 2.1 physics poetry
- 2.2 physics quotes
- 2.3 physics puns
- 2.4 pseudo physics (cat physics, cartoon physics)
- 2.5 new physical theories
- 2.6 learning physics
- 2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots)
- 2.8 physical proofs
- 2.9 physical one-liners
- 2.10 quantum mechanics (starring Schroedingers cat!)
- 2.11 relativity
- 2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer
- 2.13 physicists
- 2.14 astronomy
- 2.15 electrons
- 2.16 electro-magnetism and light
- 2.17 Newtons's laws and classical dynamics
- 2.18 thermodynamics
- 2.19 in the lab
- 2.20 strange but real findings
- 2.21 the buttered bread on cat problem

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