## 9. MISCELLANY

#### Subsections

- 9. miscellany - general
- 9.1 poetry
- 9.2 Einstein quotes
- 9.3 other quotes
- 9.4 terms and definitions
- 9.5 The Nerd test and other tests.
- 9.6 Murphy's law
- 9.7 proof methods

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

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    A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it.  An
    experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it.

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    I saw a quote the other day related to this subject. I forget the
    details or who said it, but the gist of it was:
    "The only person who believes a new theory is the theorist who
    invented it, while the only person who questions the results
    of an experiment is the person who performed it."
    -- J. A. Carr

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    From: "Mr. Mistery"
    Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

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    From: "G - P" <GP@GP.Com>

     A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in
    the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of
    the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing,
    looking at nothing.

    The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks
    him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

    The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

    "How?" asks the man, puzzled.

    "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in
    their field."

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>, Puns of the Weak
    Why did the guy remove his doorbell?
    To win a no-bell prize! (Lisa, 12 )

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    Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
    Special Category: René Descartes
    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

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    Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
    Special Category: Ernest Rutherford
    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Lord Rutherford: The problem with the chicken crossing the road is NOT that
    it DOESN'T make sense, but rather that it ALMOST makes sense.

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    From: abe@engelbot.com (Adam Engelhart)

    At one point, the University of Minnesota's departments of mathematics and
    mortuary science were housed in the same building; one ascended the
    staircase and turned left for mathematics, and right for mortuary science.
    One day, this clarification was posted on the sign at the top of the
    staircase:

                                RIGOR      MORTIS
                               <------    ------->

    [Heard through the grapevine a while ago. Quite possibly true.]

    From: norabaron@hotmail.com (Nora Baron)

      The story is true.  Both departments at one time were housed in Vincent
    Hall on the beautiful main mall of the Mpls campus.  Since then, Mortuary
    Science has moved to the second floor, "A" wing, of the Mayo building, so
    unfortunately the signs were taken down.

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    From: "riverman"
    Actually, I thought it was the Geology Department who hung the direction for
    their "Rocks for Jocks" class next door to the Calculus class. The arrows
    said:

               TERRA       FIRMA
              <-------       ------->

    Half of them ended up in the wrong room, and became mathematicians.

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    From: tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu (trygve lode)

                               SCIENCE OF THE FUTURE

          Anyone who has been on the net for more than a few days has had the
    chance to run into a few of the people who populate nearly every newsgroup,
    devoting their lives to the propagation of their particular theories on the
    nature of the cosmos, theories such as "the space program is a hoax,"
    "gravity doesn't really exist and the reason that people and their pets
    don't fly off into space is because of a powerful electromagnetic reaction
    that only I understand," "the earth used to orbit Saturn, resulting in
    completely different physical laws that explain all the miracles described
    in the Bible," "our DNA is really seven-dimensional and only by engaging in
    special breathing exercises in my specially treated hot tub with a
    pyramid-shaped cover can we learn to understand out higher
    multi-dimensional spiritual nature," and so forth.  [Note: I am not making
    any of these up.]

          These sorts of theories generally have three things in common: 1)
    their truth is being actively suppressed by a conspiracy of mainstream
    scientists, 2) future generations will know the truth and will be amazed at
    how we could have been so stupid as to have questioned these obvious
    truths, and 3) the authors of these theories have gained considerable
    mastery of the use of the CAPS-LOCK key.

          Of course, knowing that in the future we will regard the authors of
    these various theories with the same sort of reverent appreciation that we
    now reserve only for those who have contributed the most to our science and
    culture--Madonna, for example--has made me wonder, "just what will future
    universities be saying about physics in years to come?"

          With this in mind, and with the benefit of reading several recent
    articles that show a quantum mechanical basis for precognition, I decided
    to attempt to channel just such a university physics course of the future.

          "Ohm...ohm...ohm...ohm...."  (Well, what else would you chant?)

    #trance(ON) #trancemode(FUTURE | PHYSICS | CAPITAL_LETTERS)

          "Good morning, class, and welcome to the 2826 school year's first
    session of 'Alternative Physics 201.'

          "Science, above all else, is based on evidence; it cares nothing for
    what you personally like and don't like and, no matter what your personal
    preferences are for how the universe ought to work, in the end, the theory
    that best explains the evidence wins.  We can do experiments in the
    present, but this is necessarilly a limited exercise, since experiments
    performed today can only tell us what the laws of physics are like today.
    Mainstream scientists tend to ignore this fundamental fact and, thus, are
    hopelessly hamstrung by uniformitarian assumptions when trying to explain
    events in the past, many of which simply don't fit with our current
    physical theories.  Much better, then, would be if we could somehow find
    out what the laws of physics really were in the past, and then use those to
    explain past events.

          "Of course we can't just travel back in time and perform our
    experiments back then--and, unfortunately, records from even a few
    centuries ago are sparse and incomplete.  Back in the early twenty-first
    century, all existing records were digitized and stored within the
    capacious memory banks of the most powerful computer of all time, the
    MegaloMainframe.  High-speed data links fed every remote computer in the
    world, eliminating the need for local storage devices which soon vanished
    from use.  Libraries became unnecessary with everything being instantly
    available through the world-wide computer network that the MegaloMainframe
    serviced; books became useful only as collectors' items.

          "Unfortunately, one day a careless user accidentally reformatted the
    MegaloMainframe's main storage--and the Sysadmin mounted the backups and
    entered the wrong command-line option to the backup program, erasing all of
    the world's knowlege with a mistaken keystroke.  Few records survived the
    ensuing chaos, and most of what we know of civilization before 2050 comes
    from facts that the users of the MegaloMainframe thought were so important
    that they printed them out and attached them to the walls of their places
    of work--so great was the rioting and destruction that only a few sturdy,
    fire-resistant office buildings remained and even these were ransacked by
    looters who left little but those few bits of information that the people
    of that era valued enough that they attached them reverently to the walls
    of their work areas.

          "What can we learn from these past records?  Perhaps most exciting is
    the knowlege that even the basic forces of nature were completely different
    back then.  Gravity, for example, was far weaker than it is now, and on
    smaller celestial bodies like the moon, it was so weak that pencils would
    simply float away if released.  Yet, at the time, there was another force,
    probably electromagnetic in nature, that held the planets together and kept
    their inhabitants from flying off; lunar explorers used devices known as
    "heavy boots" to hold themselves to the moon without need for gravity.

          "It appears that nuclear forces were also quite different in those
    days, allowing the formation of many stable elements that are no longer
    possible under our current physical laws.  While we may never know much
    about many of these now-impossible elements and their properties, we know
    from the surviving documents that one of the most important and widely used
    of these was an element they called Administratium; another was a substance
    called Thiotimoline, of which we know nothing at all save that, when
    resublimated, it developed endochronic properties.

          "There remain many other mysteries that the ancients have left for us
    to explain--what was the popular and powerful technique of chemical
    analysis that nothing remains of but the name--the Roble Hall Purity Test?
    What physical laws were there that allowed them to measure physical beauty
    (in units called millihelens) by the action of boats?  Did the interaction
    of gravity and the strange electromagnetic forces of their time permit
    animals to communicate telepathically, as they are shown doing in the few
    fragments we have found of their most prestigious scientific journal, the
    "Far Side"?

          "Perhaps the one tidbit that most tantalizes us today is the knowlege
    that the ancients understood the seemingly bizarre laws of physics they
    lived under so well that the most famous scientist of their age, a man we
    know only as "Murphy" was able to codify them all in a single grand unified
    theory that bears his name.  Alas, no records of what "Murphy's Law" was
    have yet been discovered, so we can only speculate upon whether this
    pinnacle of twenty-first century knowlege would still apply to our world
    today...."

          Unfortunately, my trance ended abruptly with an eerie, authoritarian
    voice demanding that I insert two Trigannic Pu's for another three minutes;
    then there was a click, and I was back in my ordinary, twentieth-century
    bedroom.

          There you have it; it would seem that what we now think of as
    crackpot ideas will be at least as enduring and well-accepted in the future
    as our more conventional scientific theories, so the next time someone on
    the net tells you that nuclear power is a hoax and the energy is actually
    being produced by channelling the vibrational modes of the third of twelve
    higher planes of existence, a fact being suppressed by greedy oil companies
    who don't want you to discover that you can power your car safely and
    without pollution merely by meditating on your five non-material chakras
    which are contained in the higher-dimensional component of your DNA, the
    existence of which is being suppressed by scientists who want to keep you
    from learning your spiritual power, don't be quite so quick to dismiss it
    without giving it the serious consideration it deserves.

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    From: Tonu Laas <tony@tpu.ee>

The famous scientist was asked, whether he could tell what were the five happiest years of his life.

"Of course," the famous man said. "The five years, I studied in first class."

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    From: Urban Ingelsson <urbin545@student.liu.se>

     A person who thinks that he knows everything, is not well informed.
      /Chinese saying
     A person who is not confused, is not well informed.
      /I don't know who

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    From: KSullivan@worldnet.att.net
                                   THE METRIC SYSTEM
                           (For us Europeans, The SI system) NUMBERS

    If the metric system ever takes over we may have to say the following:

    * A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.

    * Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.

    * Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.

    * Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.

    * Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.

    * Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

    Frank Morris "BTIMCA" <popu70@rev.net> =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= THE
    METRIC SYSTEM -- WHY?

    Dear Dr. Science,

    I get sooo tired of hearing about the metric system.  Why doesn't the rest
    of the world switch to the standard system??  After all, it is called the
    STANDARD system

                                     -- Joel Kiesey, Mount Pleasant, IOWA

    Foreigners are always trying to celebrate the abnormal, pretending that
    it's exceptional and that's why they're charging more for it.  You could
    have two bottles of an identical soft drink, one could be a quart, the
    other two liters.  Guess which one they'd charge more for?  You guessed it
    -- the second one because it was measured in liters, a metric unit.  Ask
    yourself this, if the Creator had meant for us to measure distances in
    meters, how come he gave us each two feet?  If you ask me, all this
    pro-metric agitation is a ruse designed to distract us from our real
    problems, like where to build the superconducting supercollider and what
    really happened at Roswell.

    All Dr. Science material Copyright 1997 Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre.  All
    rights reserved.

    Dr. Science <Doc@drscience.com> =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= TEN LETTER
    METRIC ALPHABET

    Tom Harrington <tph@rmii.com> wrote:

    > I notice that, while you insist that the metric system is a good idea,
    > you nevertheless fail to adhere to the ten-letter metric alphabet
    > required by ISO.  Could it be that, since you use more than ten letters,
    > you perhaps realize that what you're doing is evil?

    In fact, the ISO metric alphabet (sic) is composed of 1 die-cast platinum
    letter (the "bet"), which is housed in the basement of the ISO building in
    Lausanne, just next to the kitty litter.  From this, a variety of
    "______bets" can be constructed; the most popular being the "decabet" (100
    letters) and the "kilobet" (1000 letters).  At present the "millibet"
    (1/1000 letter) is significantly underused and a steering committee has
    been started to try and improve this situation.

    Please note that the prefix "alpha" is not a valid metric prefix, and as

    such will be phased out in due time (maybe faster if the re-education camps
    are successful).

    We thank you for your interest in the metric system.

    Miss Information <misinfo@iso.org.ch> [rec.humor.oracle.d] Kyle R. Hofmann
    <rhofmann@crl.com> [alt.humor.best-of-usenet] =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
    TEN LETTER METRIC ALPHABET (REVISITED)

    Miss Information (misinfo@iso.org.ch) wrote:

    : In fact, the ISO metric alphabet (sic) is composed of 1 die-cast :
    platinum letter (the "bet"), which is housed in the basement of the ISO :
    building in Lausanne, just next to the kitty litter.  From this, a :
    variety of "______bets" can be constructed; the most popular being the :
    "decabet" (100 letters) and the "kilobet" (1000 letters).  At present : the
    "millibet" (1/1000 letter) is significantly underused and a steering :
    committee has been started to try and improve this situation.

    Here at work we are unfortunately required to use the nanobet, which
    contains 1/1000000000 of a letter.  Last week I typed for eight solid hours
    and I still had not even a single line of code done.  This is really making
    my productivity sink; I type well past the "carpal tunnel" stage and still
    have nothing to show for it.  And to think that someone claimed the metric
    system *helped* working people.  Furrfu.  Now you know why I think the
    metric system is evil.

    : Please note that the prefix "alpha" is not a valid metric prefix, and as
    : such will be phased out in due time (maybe faster if the re-education :
    camps are successful).

    Suddenly I have this awful vision of the metric equivalent of alphabet
    soup.  Just think of the megabet (1,000,000 letters) -- you'd have a soup
    bowl the size of a swimming pool just to cover the entire thing.

    Tom Harrington <tph@longhorn.uucp> [rec.humor.oracle.d] sgf <sfolse@du.edu>
    [alt.humor.best-of-usenet]

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    From: JDH92@campus.swarthmore.edu (Hildebaby)

    A member of our Engineering Department wears a T-shirt he apparently made
    himself. It says, "Flatland 3-D: The Sequel."

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    From: David Seppala <dseppala@flash.net>
    Special Category: Albert Einstein
     Einstein was feeling gloomy.  A friend asked him, "What's the matter?"
    Einstein replied: "my wife just doesn't understand me!"

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    From: cbress1@aol.com (CBress1)
    Reminds me of the guy who said " I see the

    trees waving back and forth making the wind.  Now I know what makes the
    wind but I don't know what makes the trees move"

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    From: Stan Jensen
                      Ways Scientists Are Better Than Lawyers

    We're trying to *simplify* the way the universe works.

    A scientist has to kiss a judge's ass only when they're he's trouble.
    Lawyers make a career out of it.

    Cross a lawyer, she sues your ass; cross a scientist, and she infects you
    with a slow, painful, deadly microbe she genetically engineered just for
    you.

    Naming planetoids after your girlfriend way cooler than naming them in a
    suit.

    Lawyers run out of bullshit no layman understands while scientists are just
    barely getting warmed up.

    Who do you think invented the Penis Enlargement formula?  Lawyers?

    Scientists use a method that can bring about proven results.  Lawyers only
    continue to practice.

    When we use Latin phrases, we actually know what they mean.  Not only that,
    we sometimes use Greek, just for fun.

    Lawyers bill by the hour; scientists, by the nanosecond.

    A scientist on the stand is an "expert witness."  Generally, a lawyer on
    the stand is "the defendant."

    Lawyers are bound by precedent. Scientists can simply write a new paper
    saying Einstein was full of it, and start from scratch.

    Scientists keep their hands in their own pockets, thankyouverymuch.

    Them: Weak, girly-man Latin like "post ipso facto" Us: Manly, kick-ass
    Latin like "Tyrannosaurus Rex"

    In science, there eventually comes a point where fast talking and big words
    aren't enough.

    Them: The Client Us: Jurassic frickin' Park, Chester!

    Unlike lawyers, less than 25% of scientists are pedophiles.

    It takes *two* lawyers to destroy the world.

    Being a scientist requires at least one human parent.

    *Our* work with muck-sucking, bottom-dredging slime feeders has to pass
    peer review.

    Movies about a mad scientist taking over the world: dozens.  Movies about a
    mad lawyer taking over the world: still waiting.

    You can safely bend over around a scientist.

    How many lawyers caught in freak work related accidents become superheroes?

    535 scientists working together could solve the nation's problems.  535
    lawyers working together caused the nation's problems.

        and the Number 1 Way Scientists Are Better Than Lawyers...

    Scientists can understand lawyer jokes.

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    From: mini-air (mini-air@chem.harvard.edu)
    1997-08-05 Correctness Survey

    Results: Reality -- Yes or No?

    Our Scientific Correctness Survey in mini-AIR 1997-06 asked you to settle,
    once and bureaucratically for all, the question, "Does reality Exist?"

    We had 139 comprehensible responses. Of these, 42% believe reality exists,
    while 31% believe it does not. From those who believe reality exists we
    learn that it is "over priced", "over rated" and "a military secret." From
    those who believe reality does not exist we learn that it "used to" and is
    "all done with mirrors" (this last one from Ira Green, who may be willing
    to show how it is done).

    One person admits to being undecided, two voted both ways, four people feel
    their reality exists but ours does not, and seven are agonizing over the
    definitions of various words.

    Frank Stephan says reality has existed since 1984. Stephan's conclusion is
    based on the following quote, which he found in a public rest room:
    "Reality is the Illusion which is caused by the absence of alcohol."

    Dennis McClain-Furmanski believes reality can be tested by locking a
    physicist and a cat in a box with two slits in it. He has a particular
    physicist in mind but needs help getting said physicist into the box.

    Catherine Armour asks if we consulted God. We are ashamed to admit that we
    did not. However, we did hear from a descendent of Rene Descartes, who
    said, "I think so." A contrasting view came from Fredrik Mansfeld, who
    wrote:
    	Behold this absolutely true statement: "Cogito, ergo sum."
    	And reality doesn't think, I think.
    	Hence, it does not exist.

    Jim Livingston feels that "Reality exists when it is really necessary." Bob
    Wakulich knows the answer but refuses to tell us.  Nigel Wilson "found
    [reality] whilst sorting through some rubbish". Rosemary Webb told us "Yes,
    but you can't get to it".  Carson Bays expressed a view held by many
    readers: "Yes, except in New Jersey." Karem Lingel holds a variant of that
    view, specifically that: "Reality exists in Ithaca, NY for about 30
    minutes, 12 hours after a thunderstorm"

    A few people apparently answered alternate questions. This included one
    gentleman who stated "No. I was married to her ...  and I killed her", and
    two "college students" who had the phrase "hardbodies" in their domain
    name.  Karl Evan Hallowell justifies a NO answer thusly: "If reality
    exists, then we mathematicians would have proven it by now."  Joe Kelley
    reached the same conclusion, but by a different rout: "If reality existed
    there would be a user manual."

    More responses next month.

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    From: jleung@hp.memh.ti.com (Jackson Leung)
    Modified from a forwarded

    message from The Net: EVERY MOMENT IS PRECIOUS

    To realize the value of ONE THOUSAND YEARS Ask a programmer who has
    programmed with 2 digits for the year's value.

    To realize the value of ONE HUNDRED YEARS Ask a Hong Kong resident who has
    witnessed the Handover.

    To realize the value of SEVENTY YEARS Ask a dying Christian who has never
    shared the Gospel with others.

    To realize the value of FORTY YEARS Ask an Israelite who has traveled in
    the wilderness.

    To realize the value of SEVEN YEARS Ask a professor who did not get his
    sabbatical leave.

    To realize the value of FOUR YEARS Ask a U.S. president who was not
    re-elected for the second term.

    To realize the value of ONE YEAR Ask a student who has failed to promote to
    next grade.

    To realize the value of ONE MONTH Ask a mother who has given birth to a
    pre-mature baby.

    To realize the value of ONE WEEK Ask an editor of a weekly.

    To realize the value of ONE DAY Ask a daily wage laborer.

    To realize the value of ONE HOUR Ask a driver who is getting stuck in
    traffic.

    To realize the value of ONE-HALF HOUR Ask the lovers who are waiting to
    meet.

    To realize the value of ONE MINUTE Ask a person who has missed the plane.

    To realize the value of ONE SECOND Ask a person who has survived an
    accident.

    To realize the value of ONE-TENTH SECOND Ask the person who has won a
    silver medal in Olympics.

    To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND Ask the (electric) power engineer
    who has brought darkness to a city.

    To realize the value of ONE MICRO-SECOND Ask the person who has bought a
    Pentimum machine.

    To realize the value of ONE NANO-SECOND Ask the digital circuit designer
    who has just promoted.

    To realize the value of ONE PICO-SECOND Ask the analog circuit designer who
    has filed many patents.

    To realize the value of ONE FEMTO-SECOND Ask the physicist who has won the
    Nobel prize.

    Treasure every moment that you have!

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    Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
            The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
    instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.

    Corollary:
            Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
    study for that instructor's course.

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    ACHILLES AND THE TORTOISE (Zeno's Paradox) Proof that Achilles cannot
    overtake a tortoise which has a lead.  By the time that Achilles has
    reached the tortoise's point of departure the tortoise has
    retreated. Achilles then has to cover that extra distance but finds the
    tortoise has retreated farther. He covers that only to find that the
    tortoise is not there. And so on and so forth. So Achilles never reaches
    the tortoise.

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    From: jcf@world.std.com (Joseph C Fineman)
    According to the late

    R. P. Feynman, an easy rule for telling which was is up is the following:
    point the index finger of your right hand in the direction of motion of the
    bus, and the thumb in the direction of motion of exiting passengers.  The
    middle finger will point *up*.

    In Britain, use the left hand.

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    From: c1prasad@watson.ibm.com (prasad)
    "That must be wonderful!  I don't

    understand it at all."

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    From: RVFT60@email.sps.mot.com (Mike Scott)
    The chief of a poor American

    Indian tribe .. no paved roads, no electricity, no indoor plumbing
    .. scrimped and saved and finally was able to send his eldest son to
    college.  The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally
    graduating with a bachelor's degree in electrical engineering.  Arriving
    home after graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete
    with plenty of refreshments.  Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son
    was awakened by a call of nature.  Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the
    road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of
    lights.  The next day, the son decided to put his education to work.  He
    sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction drawings for a
    lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights for the path leading
    thereto.  It was constructed and was an immediate success.  This chief's
    son will go down in history as the first indian to wire a head for a
    reservation.

    From: oxton@skopen.dseg.ti.com (Gail Oxton)
    Even earlier in history, the

    introduction of electricity to English castles produced the first knight
    lights.

    From: dhawkins@meaddata.com (Dan Hawkins)
    As I recall that job was done by

    Sir Bud of Light.

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         It may be that human life is "the galaxy's way of evolving a brain."
    This will come as a surprise to pessimists who, contemplating humankind's
    destructive tendencies, may be wondering if life isn't the galaxy's way of
    eliminating certain planets.

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    I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure
    you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

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    When skating on thin ice, allow others to take the lead. There is no
    disgrace in learning from others, particularly when doing so avoids putting
    yourself in jeopardy.

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                        THE SECOND BOOK OF VECTOR

         There dwelt in the land of Brit certain high priests who served in the
    temples of Elektron, which is an invisible god who darteth around in
    ever-decreasing circles but never into his own nucleus. And the priests of
    Elektron were devout men, serving no other god but he. And Elektron looked
    with favour upon them and rewarded them each according to his worth with
    divers strange gifts. To some he gave power to converse with those from
    afar off and to others he brought visions of strange happenings in distant
    lands; yeah, even of the United States cavalry in glorious Technicolor.

         And to certain other of his high priests Elektron gave powers of
    levitation, so that they walked with their feet ever- so-slightly off the
    ground; these dwelt in glass temples called, in the native tongue,
    Researchlabs or Funnifarms, which were set apart from the common people and
    to which entrance was denied to all, saving only those having scrips of
    authority from their chief priest. And these priests were called by the
    common people Egbonces which meaneth he who knoweth the square root of
    minus one. And the Egbonces were cunning at fashioning curious devices from
    boot-latchets and wax so that the populace were astonished and continually
    cried out, saying, behold, these are great wonders but of what use be they?

         Yet other high priests of Elektron were followers of the prophet
    Babbage and these were set in authority over divers machines that brought
    much benefit to the common people; some computed the numbers of the tribes
    and the taxes that each man should pay; others controlled the paycheks of
    these that laboured, so that each man received less than his hire, while
    others suggested that the inter-city chariots were tardy in arrival. And
    Elektron taught the high priests to feed the engines with curious symbols
    engraven upon tablets that they might print out likenesses of the
    sex-goddess Bardot devoid of her apparel, which gave satisfaction to many.
    And these priests likewise withdrew the hems of their garments from the
    common populace and, by conversing in the alien tongues of Fortran and
    Algol, preserved their mysteries jealously.

         At this time the skies were filled with heavier-than-air machines of
    many nations which flew with the noise of emasculated hornets and carried
    the peoples to and fro, even unto the ends of the earth. These machines
    were under the auspices of the god Hijak. And certain of the nations had
    air machines which could drop unpleasantness on the land beneath to
    discomfort the people; but certain other nations who were poor and backward
    and, as the saying goeth, not with it, did not possess these amenities.
    Thus it came to pass that the acquisition of such machines was regarded by
    all as an outward and visible sign that the possessor nation was emerging
    from savage practices and an example to others.

         And certain rich merchants searched diligently and redeemed many
    heavier-than-air machines; some from the knocker's yard; some which fell
    from the back of an hangar and yet others which were dislodged privily from
    the Science Museum. And they purposed to sell these to the heathen for many
    shekels of gold and at great profit. So it came to pass that the merchants
    sent envoys to a far country, even to the kingdom of Tsetse-Tsetse.

         And the envoys said unto the king of Tsetse-Tsetse, O king live for
    ever but put not thy money upon it. And the king answered saying, What
    meanest thou? Then did the envoys reply saying, Surely thou knowest that
    they neighbour the king of Beri- Beri hath cast covetous eyes upon thy
    lands and they maidens? If only thou hadst an Air Force it would cause
    thine adversary to wind his neck in. Then did the king beat his breast
    crying, Wo is me! And the envoys made reply saying Not so, O king, for it
    so happeneth that we can supply thee with a squadron of Bleriot Mk.Is. And
    thus it came to pass the king bought from the envoys for much fine gold and
    slept peacefully with his wives that night.

         Then did the envoys depart and journeyed to the neighbouring land that
    is called Beri-Beri. And they said to the king of Beri-Beri, O king live
    for ever but begin not the reading of any long novels. And the king said
    What meanest thou? Whereupon the envoys replied saying, Knowest thou not
    that they neighbour the king of Tsetse-Tsetse hath secretly purchased
    war-birds and purposeth to ravage thy country? At this the king went as
    pale as was possible and the end of the matter was that he became Commodore
    of a squadron of Cabbage White Mk. VIIs.

         And it came to pass that in Brit the god Elektron gave unto his high
    priests the power to fashion magick bowls which could divine the presence
    and movements of heavier-than-air machines even at great distances. Yeah,
    and not only this, for by gazing into the bowl, vessels having their
    business in great waters could be made to broach each other with greater
    certainty. And on land its magick powers enabled the Fuzz to put the finger
    upon all charioteers who, like their forbear Jehu, drove furiously. And the
    name of this new wonder was radar, which, being translated, meaneth that
    which worketh by suction and mirrors.

         And the rich merchants came unto the high priests of radar and said
    unto them. Lo, we have heard much of the wonders that they god Elektron
    hath taught thee and it seemeth that we can do a deal with profit to all.
    Make for us great numbers of these magick bowls, we pray thee, that we may
    sell them to the nations for their greater safety. Do this and we will pay
    thee many shekels of gold; moreover, we will pull down thy temples to the
    greater glory of Elektron, wherein thou shalt find all the instruments that
    they heart desirest. And we will clothe thee in white raiment and give thee
    charge over many. What sayest thou?

          And the high priest conferred privily and agreed among themselves
    that they were on to a good thing. So it came to pass that the merchants
    caused mighty temples to be built wherein the god Elektron might be served,
    both by day and night; and the high priests, for their part, devised magick
    bowls with ever greater cunning and these the merchants sold to whoever was
    in the market place. Thus it came about that both the king of Tsetse-Tsetse
    and the king of Beri-Beri were persuaded to buy the magick bowls with which
    to keep vigil each upon the other. Yeah, both primary and secondary radar
    had they in plenty and certain inhabitants of the two countries were
    trained to interpret the signs and portents which appeared upon these bowls
    whenever an heavier- than-air machine was drawing nigh.

         And behold, it came to pass that upon a certain night there was a
    watchman in the kingdom of Tsetse-Tsetse who was an exceeding dim lamp;
    moreover, when interpreting the symbols on the magick bowl, he was, as the
    saying is, unable to tell Squawk from Clutter. And this watchman, fearful
    of what he supposed he saw upon the face of the bowl, said unto himself The
    enemy is upon us, and thereupon smote the Panick Button. Hereupon the
    Bleriot Mk.Is rose (all excepting one which had broken its elastick band)
    and brought destruction to the sleeping land of Beri-Beri. But the Cabbage
    Whites, being forewarned by their magick bowls, were already riding the
    heavens and bringing affliction upon their neighbours. And, by morning,
    both countries were bathed in blood.

         And in the temples of Elektron there was great commotion, for the hot
    lines were glowing red and the artificial moons which the high priests had
    raised were overburdened with coloured images of the slaughter, for the
    delectation of the common people. And when all was accomplished, overseers
    from the United Nations came and wagged their heads and voted Tsetse-Tsetse
    and Beri-Beri into their assemblies in recognition of their emergence.
                                                               V.

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    From: ted_swift@qm.sri.com (Ted Swift)

    "Bring me into the company of those who seek the truth,
     and deliver me from those who have found it."

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    From: sjt@xun8.sr.bham.ac.uk (James Tappin)
    "If all else fails--read the

    instructions!"

    From: peekstok@u.washington.edu (Anna Peekstok)
                             PROBLEM SOLVING
                              P R O C E S S

                YES   =============================   NO
         +-----------|| Does the Darn Thing work? ||-----------+
         |            =============================            |
         V                                                     V
    +----------+     +---------+                          +---------+
    |   Don't  |  NO |   Does  |       +-------+     YES  | Did you |
    |   mess   | +---|  anyone |<------|  YOU  |<---------|   mess  |
    | with it! | |   |  know?  |       | MORON |          | with it |
    +----------+ |   +---------+       +-------+          +---------+
         |       V        | YES                                |  NO
         |    +------+    +-----------+                        |
         |    | HIDE |                V                        V
         |    |  IT  |            +--------+             +-----------+
         |    +------+            |  YOU   |        YES  | WILL THEY |
         |       |       +------->|  POOR  |<------------| CATCH YOU?|
         |       |       |        |BASTARD!|             +-----------+
         |       |       |        |________|                   |  NO
         |       |       |             |                       |
         |       |       |             V                       V
         |       |       |      +---------------+        +-----------+
         |       |       |  NO  | CAN YOU BLAME |        |DESTROY THE|
         |       |       +------| SOMEONE ELSE? |        |  EVIDENCE |
         |       |              +---------------+        +-----------+
         |       |                     |  YES                  |
         |       |                     v                       |
         |       |      ============================           |
         |       +---->||           N O            ||<---------+
         +------------>||      P R O B L E M       ||
                        ============================

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    From: pz <pzm@mac.com>

                 What the hell is Occam's Razor...and other stuff?

    In article <9togdu$658$1@news.chatlink.com>,
     Spazzmodicus <Chazz@gohip.com> wrote:

    > I've seen this listed one too many times now, I gotta' learn what Occam's
    > Razor is all about.  Anybody have a link that would explain it and possibly
    > any other science theories flaoting around in here?

    The Razor isn't a theory, it's a guideline for sorting out and
    evaluating competing theories.

    For example...

    Say you left a lovely piece of cherry cheesecake in the refrigerator the
    night before, and the next morning you go to have a little nibble and
    find the entire thing missing. You immediately come up with two
    hypotheses:

    A) Your spouse/housemate/mother got up in the middle of the night and
    beat you to it.

    B) A transdimensional rift opened up in the crisper compartment, and a
    swarm of miniature alien spacecraft came through it and absconded with
    your dessert.

    Occam's Razor says you should first try the simplest explanation, (A),
    and go ask the other people in your house whether they ate the
    cheesecake *before* you go to all the trouble of (B) wiring up your
    fridge with video cameras, ion flux meters, and electromagnetic traps,
    and etching platinum plates with teeny-tiny messages in symbolic
    calculus.

    Even if (A) gets proven false (you live alone) or accumulates
    counter-evidence (they all deny it), Occam's Razor suggests that you
    ought to first try hypotheses that don't require that you cobble up
    unevidenced entities wholesale, like 'rifts' and 'miniature aliens'.

    Sherlock Holmes' comment that "when you have eliminated the impossible,
    whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth" is a related
    but overstated corollary. The idea is that you should always evaluate
    hypotheses by starting with the simple and commonplace, and only after
    you've ruled out those should you consider the more radical alternatives.

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            NOTEBOOK OF LAZARUS LONG in "Time Enough for Love" - Robert
    A. Heinlein (1907-19??) [US science-fiction writer]

    Always listen to experts.  They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
    Then do it.

    If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.

    Most 'scientists' are bottle washers and button sorters.

    The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.  And
    vice versa.

    Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

    The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
    requires reasoning, while those other subjects require merely scholarship.

    Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields.  But experts
    often think so.  The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they
    are to think so.

    Natural laws have no pity.

    Climate is what we expect.  Weather is what we get.

    A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.

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    There is no way of falsifying "Unicorns exist."

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    From: 96BATISTA@cua.edu (Steam)

                  I'll have what's behind Door Number 3, please!

    I got this message detailing a first day of class experience from a
    friend of a friend.  His name is Kevin Stone, and he goes to Clemson
    University.

    Just a friendly reminder--look for door numbers....

                ------------------------------------------------

    So I'm looking for a class in Newman Hall--- actually, I was looking
    for Newman Hall-- and, I thought i'd found it.  no sign-- no main
    entrance.

    So I walk around the building and find what I perceive to be an acutal
    door with and actual doorknob.  So I opened it.

    Inside was a room at least 150x50-- maybe half a football field- maybe
    more- black concrete- 20ft ceiling.

    Two guys in white overcoats.  A cow.  Upside-down with hooves pointing
    into the air.  On some type of cart.

    A chainsaw.

    They were as embarrased to see me as I was to see them.

    Everybody stared at everybody else for about 6 sec.  (except the cow,
    who was not facing me.)  And I shut the door.

    "Not econ."

    I wasn't more than 10ft away from the door when I heard it lock.

    I don't know what the hell they were doing, but they seemed to need
    privacy.

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    From: alund@unlinfo.unl.edu (anders lund)

    Special Category: Top Reasons
    FROM THE HOME OFFICE IN LOS ALAMOS, NEW MEXICO, THE TOP TEN REASONS NETWORK
    NEWS PRODUCERS DON'T GIVE SCIENCE MORE AIR TIME.

    NUMBER TEN: "ALREADY DID THE O.J. DNA FINGERPRINT STORY."

    NUMBER NINE: "'BUCKY BALLS' EXPUNGED FROM SCRIPTS BY NERVOUS
                 NETWORK CENSORS."

    NUMBER EIGHT: "WAITING FOR COLD FUSION."

    NUMBER SEVEN: "WOULDN'T KNOW THE SUPER CONDUCTING SUPERCOLLIDER
                  FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND."

    NUMBER SIX: "STILL THINK SCIENCE'S GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT WAS TANG."

    NUMBER FIVE: "FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE OZONE HOLE LINKED TO EXCESSIVE
                 HAIR SPRAY USE BY NEWS ANCHORS."

    NUMBER FOUR: "POCKET PROTECTORS CAUSE TOO MUCH GLARE UNDER
                 HARSH TV LIGHTS."

    NUMBER THREE: "BRAINWASHED BY BIOSPHERIANS."

    NUMBER TWO: "UNABLE TO LOCATE FILE FOOTAGE OF THE 'BIG BANG.'"

    AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON NETWORK NEWS PRODUCERS DON'T GIVE SCIENCE MORE
    AIR TIME: "JOURNALISTS ARE FROM MARS...SCIENTISTS FROM VENUS."

    Miles O'Brien

    ASMS meeting 1995

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    From: "G&P" <GPoper@Hotmail.Com>
    Special Category: Top Reasons
    The Top 15 Signs American Students are Lacking Math and Science Skills

    15 - Typical science student thinks the Energizer Bunny disproves that
    "conservation of energy" theory.

    14 - They think "Bill Nye the Science Guy" is a grunge band.

    13 - Hilarious "Top 5" list by purported high school graduate always has 12
    or more entries.

    12 - One, they can't count. Three, they can't add.

    11 - And the number 3 sign that American Students Are Lacking Math and
    Science Skills...

    10 - Ranks of chemists thinned by constant mistaking of H2SO4 for H2O.

    9 - Hey, it's tough counting the number of beers in a six pack.

    8 - If they can't find a Number 2 pencil for a test, they bring half of a
    Number 3.

    7 - Most students can't locate the earth on a globe.

    6 - Science Fair project demonstrates Space Shuttle fuel consumption using
    bottle of Tequila & lemon wedges.

    5 - "Algorithm" may sound like liquored-up Vice President bustin' a move,
    but it's not.

    4 - Your child consistently confuses "Pi-R-Squared" with "Pizza Pizza."

    3 - Then: Intricate handmade bombs with precise triggering mechanisms. Now:
    Ryder truck filled with cow manure.

    2 - Actually, six out of five math teachers say there's no problem
    whatsoever.

    and the Number 1 Sign American Students are Lacking Math and Science
    Skills...

    1 - "5 + 3 equals... Hey! 'Melrose' is on!"

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                           THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM
                             5 Questions, 60 Minutes.

    You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book
    of Mormon.  The speed of light is c.  Show all work.  For all problems,
    assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D.  No praying
    during the exam.

    1.  (20 pts.)  Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner.  God loves
    each an equal amount L_0.  Bob then accelerates to .9c.  In Joe's rest
    frame, how much does God now love Bob?

    2.  Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace.  He then has sex with
    sheep S.  a.  (8 pts.)  What is Sven's atonement coefficient following
    the act if the sheep was not willing?  b.  (12 pts.)  What if the
    sheep, while not technically being willing, could not be said to mind
    either?

    3.  (20 pts.)  Let the eternal, all abiding love of the Holy Spirit be
    the xy plane.  Let Sue's soul be at (0,0,5) at t = 0 sec., traveling at
    5 m/s in the direction of the positive z axis.  Everything is in
    Cartesian coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational
    Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe.  At what time t will Sue
    be saved?  (Hint:  Assume a point soul.)

    4.  (20 pts.)  Assume the Rapture occurs at time t.  Cornelia, a saved
    human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing
    jaws of an alligator at time t.  What mass of meat will remain to the
    alligator at time t + 10 sec.?

    5.  Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state.  His sin
    level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals.  He eats .3 kg of pork,
    and enjoys it very much.  Assume that the Jews are right about, well,
    pretty much everything.  a.  (10 pts.)  What is Stan's sin level now?
    b.  (10 pts.)Stan is one of them Salt Lake City Mormons.  He ain't so
    damn smug now, is he?

    Extra Credit (10 pts):  25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine
    undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord.
    How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?

    Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.

    [Note - reportedly written by Jeff Vogel <spidweb@spidweb.com> - ed]

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    From: el102@bih.lhg.hib.no (Sigurd Raubotn)
    Why the scientist never spends more than 15 hours in cyberspace?
    Cause there is no toilets there.

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    formula's are like your children. You love them, but nobody else
    appreciates them.

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    From: mlynd@cix.compulink.co.uk (Michael Lynd)

                             THE TIME AND DATE OF CREATION

    The Creation, as everyone knows, took place in 4004 B.C.  To be really
    exact it took place at 6 p.m. on Wednesday, March 21st, 4004 B.C. The
    evidence for these dates is entirely documentary.  The date of the year as
    calculated by Archbishop Ussher is obtained by taking the Jewish date of
    the Flood -- 2348 B.C. -- and adding to it in succession the age of each
    patriarch when he begat a son. The other items can be worked out from the
    data given in the first chapter of Genesis:

    * Six p.m. The periods of creation are divided into "days" and each "day"
    is said to consist of evening and morning, showing that the "day" began on
    what we should now call the evening before, e.g., Passover, Day of
    Atonement, Eve of St John, Eve of All Hallows, Ramadan, and in Palestine,
    Easter Eve.

    * Wednesday.  The earth was created on the fourth day of the week, and
    Wednesday is the fourth day of the week.

    * March 21.  As the length of days varies according to the season of the
    year, it is obvious that any calculation must have been made when day and
    night were equally balanced, i.e. one of the equinoxes. And as the vernal
    equinox has always been more important than the autumnal, we get March 21.

    ** Therefore: the full date, 6 p.m., Wednesday, March 21.

    Dr Margaret Murray Antiquity XXXV, 137, March 1961

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    From: Aliquotes iv.ii (journal) (rogerb@microsoft.com)
     Is it just a coincidence that the acronym for the National Science
    Foundation is the same as that in the banking community for Not Sufficient
    Funds? Kinda make you wonder.

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    From alopezo@unb.ca

    A professor at a local university has just received a large grant to study
    the effectiveness of kevlar army helmets against bullet impact.

    I hear he's looking for more grad students...

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    Special Category: René Descartes
    From: DMJT30C@prodigy.com (J Mikes)

    BARTENDER: MR. DESCARTES, DO YOU DRINK SOMETHING?
    I DON'T THINK...  AND DISAPPEARED

biology
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    From: funny-pages@plato.ens.gu.edu.au (Funny Pages Mailing List)

    There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to
    the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped
    shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing
    birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the
    field.  At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home
    football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and
    the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off
    of the field.  The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

engineering
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    From: schiec@jec3210-17.its.rpi.edu (Christopher L. Schierer)
    I was going

    to be an engineer....
            Aerospace but it just didn't fly.
            Aeronautical but I couldn't keep my head above water.
            Bio-Medical but I was rejected.
            Chemical but the job really stunk.
            Civil but I couldn't make the grade.
            Computer but I got stuck in a loop.
            Electrical but it was all current events.
            Genetic but I only wore Levis.
            Industrial but I couldn't get off the floor.
            Management but I wasn't a team player.
            Materials but I didn't have the fiber.
            Mechanical but I got shafted.
            Metallurgical but I couldn't get the lead out.
            Nuclear but I didn't have the glow.
            Power but it went to my head.

engineering
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    From: pischke@ecf.toronto.edu (PISCHKE DAVID)

    Engineering is the art of moulding materials we do not fully understand
    into shapes we cannot fully analyse and preventing the public from
    realising the full extent of our ignorance."

engineering
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    From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)

    Special Category: Old scientists never die...

    OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings
    OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times
    OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz
    OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact

engineering
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    From: "Chandan Kudige" <chandan@toad.net>
    Special Category: Old scientists never die...
    Old software engineers never die, they just crash and dump core.
    Old software engineers never die, they just go out of context.
    Old software engineers never die, they just reboot
    Old software engineers never die, they just spin in a tight loop
    Old software engineers never die, they just get interrupted
    Old software engineers never die, they just become incompatible
    Old software engineers never die, they just flip-flop
    Old software engineers never die, they just stop byting
    Old software engineers never die, they just logout
    Old software engineers *DO*  die, they get killed

    Special Category: Old scientists never die...
    Old network engineers never die,  they just stop pinging
    Old network engineers never die,  they just find a new route
    Old network engineers never die,  they just get disconnected
    Old network engineers never die,  they just lose their token

    Special Category: Old scientists never die...
    Old optical engineers never die,  they just lose their light

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    From: Mike Ellwood

    * A Slide Rule doesn't shut down abruptly when it gets too hot.
    * One hundred people all using Slide Rules and Paper Pads do not start
      wailing and screaming due to a single-point failure.  A Slide Rule
    * doesn't smoke whenever the power supply hiccups.  A Slide Rule doesn't
    * care if you smoke, or hiccup.  You can spill coffee on a Slide Rule; you
    * can use a Slide Rule while
      completely submerged in coffee.  You never get nasty system messages
    * about filling up your entire paper
      quota with pointless GIF pictures for the root window.  A Slide Rule and
    * Paper Pad fit in a briefcase with space left over for
      lunch or a change of underwear.  A properly used Slide Rule can perform
    * pipelined *and* parallel
      operations.  (Okay, you need a guru for this.)  You don't get junk mail
    * offering pricey software upgrades that fix
      current floating point errors while introducing new ones.  A Slide Rule
    * doesn't need scheduled hardware maintenance.  A Paper Pad supports text
    * and graphics images easily, and can be easily
      upgraded from monochrome to color.  Slide Rules are designed to a
    * standardized, open architecture.  You can hold a Slide Rule at arm's
    * length, to hit the obnoxious person
      at the next seat over.  A Slide Rule is immune to viruses, worms, and
    * other depradations from
      hostile adolescents with telephones.  Additional Paper Pads can be
    * integrated into the system seamlessly and
      without needing to reconfigure everything.  Nobody will make you feel bad
    * by introducing a smaller, faster, cheaper
      slide rule next month.

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    From mokry@ctr.columbia.edu

    These two strings walk into a bar and sit down.  The bartender says, "So
    what'll it be?"

    The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk
    jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"

    "Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't
    null-terminated."

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    From: "Alexander Vinogradov" <aevin@mail.cytspb.rssi.ru> Clear DayOne more
    story about Russian science:

    The sitting of the Academy of Sciences of the USSR.  The Chairman
    acad. Alexandrov says: - Now we should decide the unprecedented problem -
    to exclude acad. Sakharov from our members.  Acad. Kapitsa: - Why do you
    say that there was no precedent? Under Hitler, acad. Einstein was excluded
    from the German Academy.  Acad. Alexandrov: - Well, let's go to the next
    problem.

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    "Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease.  It
    made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs an then you had the urge to pass it
    on." -- Musings of Susan Sto-Helit (in Hogfather by Terry Pratchett)

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    From: quasar@northcoast.comMMMSPAMMY (Jen)

    Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies.  One of them is known
    as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical
    (SL).  It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
    half-hour?

    SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

    SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What
    can we do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

    SM: It's not working.

    SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing.  He
    started to walk faster too.

    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.  You go that way and I'll go
    this way. He cannot follows us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.  Sister Mathematical arrives
    at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then
    Sister Logical arrives.

    SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

    SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
    followed me.

    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
    and he started to run as fast as he could.

    SM: And?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

    SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

    SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?  A nun with her dress up can run faster than
    a man with his pants down........

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    From: RSPAIN@macalstr.edu Top 10 Philosophy Questions of All Time
    (Answered!)

    This was my design for the Macalester Philosophy Club t-shirts. (on the
    shirts, the questions are on front and the answers on back...)

    The Top 10 Philosophy Questions of All Time, Answered!

    10. How do I know anything really exists?
    	-Kick it *really* hard.

     9. What is the essence of being human?
    	-Not understanding the opposite sex.

     8. If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one there to hear
        it, does it make a sound?
    	-Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.

     7. How do I know I'm not just a brain in a vat, hooked up to a
        computer simulation of life?
    	-Look in the mirror.  If you see a gray, spongy thing in a
             glass container, you are.

     6. Can our minds exist seperately from our bodies?
    	-If they could, we'd just send our minds to class and sleep in
             every morning.

     5. Is there a God?
    	-A billion Hindus can't be wrong.

     4. What is the nature of Knowledge?
    	-I'm still trying to figure out the nature of *college*.

     3. What is the meaning of life?
    	-All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.

     2. Why get a Philosophy degree?
    	-It's more respectable than a theater degree, but you still get to
             drink lots of espresso.

     1. So, was Kant on drugs or what?
    	-Probably.

    	"Mac Philosophy: for the Metaphysically Challenged"

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    From: garnerjr@ci.richmond.va.us (Jim Garner)

    My first degree was pure BS,

    the second was More of Same, and for my third, good laude, it was Piled
    Higher & Deeper.

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    From: SteveMR <SteveMR200@aol.com>

     She used to be a school teacher but she has no class now.
         --Fred Allen (1894-1956)

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    Special Category: Scientists do it...
    From: Monika Kostera <niq_mk@o2.pl>

    Economists do it with models

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    Special Category: Scientists do it...
    From: Monika Kostera <niq_mk@o2.pl>

    Sociologists do it qualitatively or quantitatively.
    Sociologists do it constructively.
    Sociologists do it processually or structurally.
    Sociologists do it with actants.
    Sociologists do it with stories.
    Sociologists do it with institutions.

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    From: Monika Kostera <niq_mk@o2.pl>
    Special Category: Scientists do it...

    Organization theorists do it loosely coupled.

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    Special Category: Famous last words
    From: Monika Kostera <niq_mk@o2.pl>
                                 Famous Last Words
    Sociologist: This elite won't kill to gain even more power.

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    Special Category: Famous last words
    From: Monika Kostera <niq_mk@o2.pl>

                                 Famous Last Words

    Anthropologist: This is a standard custom here.

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    Special Category: Famous last words
    From: Monika Kostera <niq_mk@o2.pl>

                                 Famous Last Words

    Economist: This system will tend to harmony.

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    Special Category: Famous last words
    From: Monika Kostera <niq_mk@o2.pl>
                                 Famous Last Words
    Organization theorist: Dissenters can always exit if they cannot raise
    voice.

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    From: "Brian Eklund" <Autocrat@earthlink.net>

    Eklunds Law:
    The probability of an event being a coincidence decreases as the number of
    coincidences surrounding the event increases.

    The probability that anyone will believe a singular event is coincidence
    increases as the number of coincidences surrounding the event increases.

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                        Actual Writings on Hospital Charts

    1.  She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
    very hot in bed last night.

    2.  Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

    3.  On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
    disappeared.

    4.  The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
    depressed.

    5.  The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

    6.  Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

    7.  Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but
    forgetful.

    8.  The patient refused autopsy.

    9.  The patient has no previous history of suicides.

    10.  Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

    11.  Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
    a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

    12.  Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    13.  She is numb from her toes down.

    14.  While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

    15.  The skin was moist and dry.

    16.  Occasional constant infrequent headaches.

    17.  Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    18.  Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

    19.  She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
    she got a divorce.

    20.  I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
    therapy.

    21.  Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

    22.  Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    23.  The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    24.  The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
    stockbroker instead.

    25.  Skin: somewhat pale but present.

    26.  The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

    27.  Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit
    on the abdomen, and I agree.

    28.  Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

    29.  Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
    ATHOL, WY (DPI) -- A freak accident at an experimental geothermal power
    plant claimed the life of noted electro-nutritionist Dr. Otto Mymynd.
    Mymynd earned the scorn of his colleges in his early years when he called
    them myopic sycophants. He later gained their flattery with such inventions
    as the infrared flashlight, the burpless cucumber, methane deficient
    cabbage and the environmentally safe tofu laser.
      The accident was witnessed by his voluptuous 23-year-old full-time
    research aide and part-time paramour, Lily Pond. While working on a method
    to re-hydrate four week old bakery products, he apparently became
    distracted when Miss Pond uncrossed her legs. At that moment he tripped
    over his own feet and plunged headlong into the boiling geyser, where he
    was instantly vaporized.
      Said Miss Pond, "Golly, when he finds out what's happened, he's going to
    be pretty steamed. I think I speak for the entire scientific community when
    I say ... he will be mist." (Reported by Dave Henry The Daily Probe, May 8,
    1998 <daily@walrus.com>)

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    Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Technical Writer David H. Citron: To escape from Boston Chicken? Who knows?
    Meanwhile, read my technical writer's chicken soup recipe.

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    Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Rich Cook: "Crossing the road today is a race between civil engineers
    striving to build bigger and better super-highways, and the chicken trying
    to prove them bigger and better idiots. So far, the chicken is winning."

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    Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    George Eastman:  To take a picture with a Kodak.

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    Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Samuel Morse:  She had an appointment. She wanted to be there on the dot so
    she had to dash.

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    Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
    From: "Hannah K" <Concertcarrot@msn.com>
    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Occam: It was the simplest way to get to the other side

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    From: john_correy@yahoo.com (John)
    "In Le Monde, the publications of theses look exactly like the notices of
    deaths and are printed beside them on the same page.  The title of the
    thesis, in italics, plays the role of the deceased, the name of the
    university that of the church where the funeral will take place, and the
    future title of doctor that of the headstone."
           --Jean Baudrillard
           _Cool Memories II_

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 9. miscellany - general
- 9.1 poetry
- 9.2 Einstein quotes
- 9.3 other quotes
- 9.4 terms and definitions
- 9.5 The Nerd test and other tests.
- 9.6 Murphy's law
- 9.7 proof methods

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