## 3. CHEMISTRY

#### Subsections

- 3. chemistry - general
- 3.1 chemistry poetry
- 3.2 chemistry quotes
- 3.3 chemical puns
- 3.4 in the lab
- 3.5 chemical dictionary
- 3.6 chemists
- 3.7 elements
- 3.8 H20

### 3.3 CHEMICAL PUNS

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "Gautam Subbarao" <gsubbara@uiuc.edu>

    My name is Bond - Covalent Bond.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Caren Thomas <cthomas@access.k12.wv.us>
    My name is Bond, Ionic Bond;
    Taken, not shared!

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Amanda Bonner <amandab@displaytech.com>
    This is one for all you feminists out there...(Fe)male...male with iron
    added, for greater strength, ductility, and magnetisim.
    What did the MS say to the GC?
    MS - mass spectrophotemeter
    GC - gas chromoatograph
    Breaking up is hard to do.
    (You have to know the mechanism of how these work to get it!)

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "Myra L. Peak" <myra@peakenvironmental.com>
    What emotional disorder does a gas chomatograph suffer  from?
    Separation anxiety

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    Special Category: quizes and tests to do
    From: "dcoble" <dcoble@gateway.net>
                                 Chemistry Test 1

    Test your knowledge of chemistry by filling in each blank with a word
    from the list below.

     1. What a ship does when it's torpedoed. ____________

     2. When there's no gas left, we say it's ____________.

     3. The weather in Antarctica is quite ____________.

     4. Overtime for British policemen. ____________.

     5. What we do when we're in pain. ____________

     6. ____________ is a measure of, uh, light intensity.

     7. What you get if you put Robin Williams in jail. ____________

     8. The power company's special cocktail. ____________

     9. She hit me with an Eveready, so I charged her with assault with
        ____________.
    10. Old Chemistry profs never die, they just fail to ____________.

    11. What the cowboy did with his horses. ____________

    12. When I meet a 6'6" mugger, ____________ away very fast.

    13. The element that comes after nine. ____________

    14. An original inhabitant of North America. ____________

    15. Motto of land developer: ____________ is better.

    16. Slang for "You got it correct". ____________!

    17. ____________ only at the finest restaurants.

    18. When a Chemistry prof dies, we have a funeral, then____________.

    19. How can you expect me to do all these problems? ____________
        little boy!
    20. "I'll knock down these buildings!" "You mean you'll ___________?"

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    a) Aluminum       f) Beaker            k) Iodine         p) Rhodium
    b) Ammonia        g) Copper nitrate    l) Iron           q) Silicon
    c) Argon          h) Gold              m) Platinum       r) Sulphur
    d) Barium         i) Hydrogen          n) Radon          s) Tin
    e) Battery        j) Indium            o) React          t) Zinc

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    Special Category: quizes and tests to do
    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>

                                 Chemistry Test 2

    Test your knowledge of Chemistry again by filling each blank with one of
    the words listed below.

      1. Chemistry exams at the end of the year are ____________ exams.

      2. On this tree the chemists grow. ____________

      3. "I ____________ a question, but she didn't know the answer."

      4. Would you buy a drink from a woman named ____________ Alcohol?

      5. "I want to report Ben as a missing person." "OK, where was
    ____________ last?"

      6. Organic chemists get ____________ with rage.

      7. Some say chemistry profs are the ____________ of the earth; others
    say otherwise.

      8. Many people wish for the day when a chemist's word was  his
    ____________.

      9. A chemistry teacher in favor of teenagers is ____________.

    10. A chemist's favorite rabbit is the ____________ Bunny.

    11. A person in favor of barter is ____________.

    12. In spite of the bank robbery, it was ____________ as usual.

    13. Studying the pH of solutions is a ____________ part of chemistry.

    14. A drink to consume while rowing long after sunset. ____________

    15. A chemist will mistranslate "autobahn" as "____________".

    16. A chemist can be __________ to water, but cannot be made to drink.

    17. You're a doctor, and Brad is sick! Why don't you ____________?

    18. When kneeling to be knighted, a man must put one ____________ the floor.

    19. The correct answer is "____________", Mr. Ranger, not "Tonto".

    20. A chemistry prof in favor of torture is ____________.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    a) Antimony        f) Carbon           k) Helium          p) Phenol
    b) Basic           g) Chemistry        l) Lead            q) Propane
    c) Benzene         h) Ester            m) Lipid           r) Protein
    d) Bismuth         i) Ether            n) Neon            s) Silver
    e) Bond            j) Ethyl            o) Nitrogen        t) Salt

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "nemo" <nemo@naughtylass2.wet>
                       Better Answers to chemistry quiz 2
                                    (says Nemo)
    a) Antimony: The wife paying the husband after a divorce.

    f) Carbon: A Frenchman's opinion of his nice new automobile.

    k) Helium: A miracle! An old Austin sports car that runs on an inert gas!

    p) Phenol: A small natural hill where a ho/Tom hides what she's just been
    paid.

    b) Basic: A reddish-brown horse who is ill.

    g) Chemistry: The puzzle of the vital force believed in Taoism and other
    Chinese thought to be inherent in all things.

    l) Lead: A Roman's rounded arse: Plumbum!

    q) Propane: A Tom/ho with cystitis! (^!^)

    c) Benzene: British eccentric comedian, Forename: Michael.

    h) Ester: Surname of plastic-fibre parrot who celebrates Purim.

    m) Lipid: A German technical pen which writes with fat and leaves a nasty
    Rotring all around the bath: Lipidograph.

    r) Protein: A young Tom/ho.

    d) Bismuth: A white, crystalline, brittle, highly diamagnetic metallic
    element used in alloys to form sharp castings for objects sensitive to high
    temperatures and in various low-melting alloys for fire-safety devices.
    Atomic number 83; atomic weight 208.98; melting point 271.3°C; boiling point
    1,560°C; specific gravity 9.747; valence 3.

    And it's not fussy who it sleeps with, hence, symbol: Bi.

    i) Ether: Well, ether you risk brain damage by using an obsolete anusthetic
    or you don't.

    n) Neon: Used in mains electricity testing devices known as screw-on knee
    drivers.

    s) Silver: Ah, gent! You got me there!

    e) Bond: Industrial espionage agent in the writing paper industry: "My name
    is Bond. Basildon Bond."

    j) Ethyl: And why ith Ethyl pothtin theth thilly quitheth anyway?

    o) Nitrogen: Information about blackguards and vagabonds who operate after
    dark.

    t) Salt: Sailor carrying an accumulator: A salt and battery!

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with the
    Bunsen burner:
    "Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .", the sodium pined.
    "It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "Mike Bauer <Mike Bauer" <mpb4r@giss.nasa.gov>
    Acid is base.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium
    and just couldn't put it down?

    From: "Rebecca *Hugs*" <rebhal87@hotmail.com>
    --It was probably just light reading--

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Mariano Cecowski <MCecowski@sif.com.ar>
    Q: if both a bear in Yosemite and one in Alaska fall into the water
    which one disolves faster?
    A: The one in Alaska because it is Polar.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    Author:    Quiplash (quiplash@aol.comnojunk)
    Oxidants happen.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "Billy Dunne" <billy@dunne16.freeserve.co.uk>
    Hydrogen atom: Darn these oxidising agents!

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Philip Clarke <clar0318@flinders.edu.au>
    Only 1 individual answered the question right.
    The question was "If h20 if water, what is h204?"
    This was a quick question.
    The answer is:
    If h20 is water, what is h20 "4" (for)...drinking, bathing, etc.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "Thomas P. Koch" <tom_koch@email.msn.com>
    Q: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
    A: KNiFe.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From:         Raymond W Jensen <rwj+@andrew.cmu.edu>
    Two chemists meet for the first time at a symposium.  One is American,
    one is British.  The British chemists asks the American chemist, "So what
    do you do for research?"  The American responds, "Oh, I work with arsoles."
    The Brit responds, "Yes, sometimes my colleagues get on my nerves also."

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: BerniE@E-Mail.address (BerniE)

    Poisson thought the vessel with the pestle had the solution in distribution.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From:         Ralf Linnemann <ralf.linnemann@gmd.de>
    (Blame translation from German on Joachim Verhagen.  The original was
    longer, but puns are impossible to translate, especially because the
    English/Americans use different names from everybody else.)

    The school homework becomes more foolish all the time..
    I have to tell my son the origin of the names of the first ten elements and
    to my shame I must confess that I don't know.

    With a lot of trouble, I found that Helium is called after the Nordian
    death godin Hel, because it was discovered in Norway and that Bohr is
    called after the Danisch atomic physicist Niels Bohr, as he was the one
    that discovered it in the twenties, and that bromide occurs in
    blackberries, wich in German are called Brombeere.

    Who can help me further?

    From:         Emil Kelich <emil.kelih@kfunigraz.ac.at>
    Plutonium is called after the famous Disney dog, Pluto.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From:         gmacbeth@cawdor.frozen.ca (GMacbeth)

    "Take plenty of the dark purple solution", Tom offered, managnimously.
    "This old pipe is rusty", said Tom, ironically.
    "Scale keeps forming inside the kettle", complained Tom,
    recalcitrantly.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "Pierre Abbat" <phma@pop.trellis.net>
    Q: How did the chemist survive the famine?
    A: By subsisting on titrations.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From:         user557686@aol.com (Jim Palm)

    The media did a plate count and reported that the Mr. Petrie dished up
    several batches of gram crackers, inoculation fruit loops and tube steaks
    (made from his pet lab).  Petrie graduated Beakers University, but was
    barely able to slide by with a 2.0-2.0 (cc) grade point average.  Students
    described him as a vial, no culture specimen with an infectious smile.

    From:         ehorvath35@aol.com (Eileen Horvath)

    He was also a liar, his lab assistant was burned one day quite badly
    because of his lack of ability. He told the police that Bunson Burned her!

    From:         rg@netbistro.com (Megan Waves)

    He overreacted because he was insolvent. The lab assistant dissolved their
    partnership.
    From:         pml <lavietes@dhc.net>
    Then he got arrested for flasking.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Ovidiu Cristea <ez064938@mailbox.ucdavis.edu>, rg@netbistro.com
    (Megan Waves), An Insouciantly Blithe Fellow <philonos@crl.com>

    "Welcome to Entropy Burgers -- may I take your order?"

    "I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all
    the time."

    "My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you."

    "I know the waitress who asked that, too.  Her name's Ellen Omega.  She
    really made me thermally dynamic.  So, I asked her out.  I tell you, when
    she don't like you, she really Boltz, man.  Women like that are never
    distributed normally among the population."

    "What kind of Poisson would say something like this?"

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Rob Sanders<saunders@ednet.co.uk>

    Before Richard Wagner completed his Ring cycle he wrote the well-known
    opera on chemical themes "Tristan und Diels-Alder".

    Other composers to write chemical operas include Jacques Offenbach ("Tales
    of Woodward and Hoffman"), Richard Strauss ("Electron"), Giuseppe Verdi ("A
    Masked Buckyball") and Wolfgang Mozart ("Die Sauerfloete").

    Many modern composers have undertaken similar projects, such as Nigel
    Osborne ("The Elecrophilic Substitution of the Soviet Union"), Leonard
    Bernstein ("Chloride"), John Adams ("Neon In China"), and Philip Glass
    ("Einsteinium On The Beach"). However, some critics believe Rossini's "The
    Silicon Ladder" to have been a more significant influence on Glass. Sir
    Michael Tippett was nitred in recognition of his chemical opera "The KNO3
    Garden".

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    What element do women use to get dates ? Tellurium
    What did the chemist say to a chic babe when he passed by her in his
    sports car ? Radon baby !

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: jpark@eis.calstate.edu (John Park),
     Amy E. Bradburn

    (a.bradburn@sympatico.ca), flatter@rose-hulman.edu (Neil Flatter),
    ,Ron Forsch, (rforsch@ix.netcom.com) Megan Waves (rg@netbistro.com)

    What does one do with a dead body? Barium in a krypt-on
    Maybe he was killed oxydentally.
    They should have seen the doctor first, he'd Curium.
    Ah, barium anyway, just to see how he reacts.
    better though to have helium.
    Perhaps with a housplant, a Germanium.
    And if they stole it, the police would Cesium.
    Locked up for life, in Irons.
    They would go crazy in jail, a Silicon.

    Maybe their into plastic surgery.
    What does the surgeon do for low cheeks, Lithium.
    To large gashes?  Sodium.

    Tooth in water glass is a one molar soln.
    Like BaNa2, name IOAg.  I O Silver.

    Rabbit like paired electrons on an ether, ether bunny.
    And your aunt Ester and her husband Al K Hall.
    From: nuke@netcom.com (Bill Newcomb)

    With music by Al D. Hyde and the Ace Tones...

    Where does one put the dishes? Zinc
    What does one do if one can't zwim? Zinc

    Name BaNa2. banana

    Draw a 1,4 compound of benzene with two dice. Name it. Paradice
    Also done w/ MD for paramedic
    Done as 1,2 w/ DDS for orthodontist.
    1,3 and physics, metaphysics.

    Draw benzene with a Mercedes symbol single bonded to the uppermost
    carbon. Name it. Mercedes benzene.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "Darwin Smith" <darsmit@adams.net>
    What did the cowboy do with his horse? Rhodium
    Tell the rodeo cowboy what to do with the calf - Europium
    What did the gambler do with his cards? Palladium
    If a chemist becomes flabby, find a way to Fermium up.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: bill.considine@execnet.com (BILL CONSIDINE)
    From C&E News (1/9/95 p.48):

    What's a cation afraid of?  A dogion!

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: CLD@msc.com

            PhD
             |
            / \
           |   |
            \ /
             |
             PhD    Para - Doc's   (can draw ortho - doc's as well)

    HiHoAg           hi ho silver!!!

    From: dan.arico@wdn.com (Dan Arico)

         CH3- _    _    _    _ - CH3
            /   \/   \/   \/   \
           |    |    |    |    |
            \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/
            /  \ /  \ /  \ /  \
           |    |    |    |    |
       CH3- \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/- CH3

    Tetramethylchickenwire

    From: bkd@christa.unh.edu (Brian K Dann)

                   o  o  o
    H3C-CH2-CH2-O-/|\/|\/|\
                   |  |  |
                  / \/ \/ \

    A propyl people ether!

    From: dan.arico@wdn.com (Dan Arico)

                   Fe - Fe
                  /       \
                 Fe       Fe
                  \       /
                   Fe - Fe

    Ferrous Wheel

    From: sppp@hippo.ru.ac.za (Peter Piacenza)

            PhD
             |   PhD
            / \ /
           | O |
            \ /

                    Orthodox        (ortho - Doc's)
                    --------

          MD
           I
          / \
         | O |        Metaphysicians
          \ /\        --------------
              MD

           O   O
        ---I---I-----O-C3H7   Propylpeople ether
           I   I              ------------------
           /\  /\
          /  \   \

             4
             |
            / \
           | O |__4
            \ /

                    Metaphor        (meta - 4)

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From:         ChemTeam@clubnet.net (John L. Park)

    More benzene variations:

      chutes         dice        I guess this looks even better with
        |             |          pictures for the dice.
       / \           / \
      |   |         |   |
       \ /           \ /
        |             |
      chutes        dice

    parachutes     paradice

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: nuke@netcom.com (Bill Newcomb)

       O-R-NMe2
       |
       |
      / \  /\
     /   \/  \
    I         O                a 1-I-1-ORN-flying-propyl people ether
              |                  (*stolen from A. Shusterman, with enhancements)
            --|--
              |
             / \

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "donald haarmann" <donald-haarmann@worldnet.att.net>

             HO_       This should be a circle with --OH's radiating out.
              / \
             |   |
              \_/       Sun diol
                OH

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: a481@mindlink.bc.ca (J.D. Frazer)

    What is this:

            NaCl(aq)   NaCl(aq)
            C  C  C  C  C  C  C

    Answer: (In a sing-song voice) "Saline, saline, over the seven C's"

    From: Colin_Douthwaite@equinox.gen.nz (Colin Douthwaite)

             /|\\
            / | \\
           /  |  \\
         ||   |    |
         ||   |    |
         ||  / \   |
           \/   \//
            \   //
             \ //

              or

             ,o*^|*`?.
           ,8    |    ?
           8     |     8
           8    / \    8
           `8  /   \  d
             `?._  _.o'
                 |         -root@rivendel.com-
               ======
              /      \
             /        \
             \\      //
              \\____//

         mercedes benzine??

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Martin <clarke@web.net.au>
       ___                                      ___
     //   \\   Pyrole                         //   \\   Azole
     \  O  /                                  \  N  /

       ___                                      ___
     //   \\   Thiole                         //   \\   Arsole
     \  S  /                                  \ As  /

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

      Ma
        \   /
         C=C
        /   \
             Pa

    trans-parent

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From:  Eric Lucas <ealucas@ix.netcom.com>
    Ter     Ter
       \    /
        C==C              Sister

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: jvinson@cyberhighway.net (John Vinson)

    Sister
          \
           ==
             \
              Sister      Transistor

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "DeCoster, David C." <David.C.DeCoster@sgppl.com>
    transistor:

    Ter
        \
         ==          Ter
              \      /
                ==

    trans-cis-ter

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: johnmark@leland.stanford.edu (jmj)

    What is the name of this molecule:    bunny-O-bunny

    A:"ether bunny"

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: tomm@netcom.com (Tom Murray)

    chemical formula:

            HIJKLMNO

    What is it?  It's the formula for water.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: KGNJ65A@prodigy.com (Ed Strnad)

    What's the formula for water?
    -H-two-O

    What's the formula for an ice cube?
    -H-two-O-CUBED

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: eridani@scn.org (Martha K. Koester)

    Chemical formulas:  (NH2CONH2)2 = diurea

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Raymond W Jensen <rwj+@andrew.cmu.edu>
    Q:  What is this molecule: H3NCONH3? (Numbers are meant to be subscripts)

    A:  Urea.

    Q:  What is this molecule: H3NCONH2-H2NCONH3?

    A:  Diurea.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From:         "Dr. Steve Simpson" <S.J.Simpson@chemistry.salford.ac.uk>
    Hexakis(nitroso)benzene C6(NO)6 - the ultimate contraceptive ; NO in all
    positions.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: lanzi@inland.com
    Q:What do you get when you combine [insert a person] with O2?
    A:Oxymoron

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "Gary K Gardner" <gary.gardner@freeuk.com>

    Have you heard about the new oral contraceptive - hexanitrosobenzene? It
    has "NO" in all six positions.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: jay.freedman@pacsibm.org (Jay Freedman)

    These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical
    Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago:
    It takes alkynes to make a world.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: bgnosis@isca.uiowa.edu (Billy Gnosis)

    What do you get when you cross buckminsterfullerene,
    helicase, and ATP?   Screwballs."

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: bgnosis@isca.uiowa.edu (Billy Gnosis)

    Q:What does what does the Lone Ranger say to his horse?
    A:HIOAg, away!

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: ts@uwasa.fi (Timo Salmi)

    Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: gardner@sun.lclark.edu (Gillian Gardner)

    Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
    A: They're cheaper than day rates.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From:  S.P.F.
    Q: What do chemists use to make guacomole?
    A:Avogadros.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "George Scott" <gscott@brawleyonline.com>

    Q: What do you get if you chop an Avogadro up into 6.02 X 10^23 pieces?
    A: Guaca-MOLE!

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From:         tm37@acme.gatech.edu (Tom Merchant)

    Q: What did the Italian chemist say when he became becalmed whilst sailing?
    A: Avagadro  (I've a gotta row)

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "Robert L. LaDuca" <rlladuca@rs01.kings.edu>
    Yesterday when talking about energy units/enthalpy I drew a man, woman, and
    child on the board.  I put a "J" on each of them.  Then I kept on going,
    without paying it any attention. I let them figure it out, a minute or so
    later got groans and laughter.  Yup, the "Family Joule". ;)

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Dennis Feely <dfeely@unlinfo.unl.edu>
    Chemistry:  Did you hear about the chemist that fell into the
    esterification vat?  They managed to save his life but he was left
    terribly butylated.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "Kerry L. Opel" <kopel@dragonbbs.com>
    Be a free radical! Join the anti-Markovnikov Movement!

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: xxxxx@concentric.net
    The politically-aware chemistry student protested by carrying
    a picket sign that stated: "Free Radicals Now!"

    From: charlie (charlie@tuna.net)

    I'm positive that a free electron once stripped me of an electron after
    he lepton me.  You gotta keep your ion them

    From: Soby1 (soby1@msn.fullfeed.com)

    It could be just a quark of his nature...  Or perhaps he's just
    seeking a reaction.  Chemists do like to mix it up.

    From: Matt Swanson <edgetho@aol.com>
    It's good to keep a positive attitude and not have an electron cloud
    hanging over your head.

    From:         fc3a501@GEO.math.uni-hamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann)

    Did your hear about the chemist who had to
    visit the urologist because of a screw dislocation?

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Rocky and Mugsy <just@aminute.duck>
    The best chemists would definitely not be pet owners.
    Their idea of a catalyst:

    2 bags of cat litter
    3 cans of cat food
    1 can of flea powder
    1 collar

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: pkenny@titan.oit.umass.edu (Patrick M Kenny)

     Black Angus            :          Black Angus
     Black Angus            :          Texas Longhorn
     Black Angus            :          Brown Swiss
     ___________________________________________________
     Homogeneous Catalyst   :        Heterogeneous Catalyst

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: tphillips@biosci.mbp.missouri.edu (Thomas E. Phillips)

    Q:How many atoms in a guacamole?
    A:Avocado's number.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: mykestan@csu.murdoch.edu.au (Myke Stanbridge)

    Q:What is the most chaste organic compound?
    A:Why, hexanitrosobenzene of course!

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: (fortunes)
    Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
    husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer!  My joules!  Someone has stolen my
    joules!"

    "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
    a moment.  Perhaps they're mislead."

    "No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence.  "I remember putting them
    in my burette ... We must call a copper."

    Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
    said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
    of Lawrence Ium.

    "We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
    dangerous.  His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium.  Maybe I can
    catch him there."  With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
    activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
                    -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: fc3a501@AMRISC04.math.uni-hamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann)

    How do you make a 24(??)-molar solution?
    Put you artificial teeth in water.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: pclarke@waite.adelaide.edu.au (Philip Clarke)

    Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
    A: Methylated Spirits....

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "\"Alan \\\"Uncle Al\\\" Schwartz\"" <uncleal0@ix.netcom.com>
    What do you call a fruit which is 97% ascorbic acid?  A Pauling.
    (appalling)

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "Anthony M. Becker" <becker@oakland.edu>
    I saw one of those monster chemicals attacking a woman and shouting her
    name; he kept screaming "Die, Ethyl!" That's radical, dude.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: mdecaire@eagle.wbm.ca (Marc Guy DeCaire)

    Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his
    factory?

    His business went insolvent.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: mkastela@jagor.srce.hr (The MACAN Family)

    And why does a white bear melt in water?
    Because it's polar.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: adwohlwi@uic.edu (Arthur Wohlwill)

    I was going to make up a buffer, but I was out of Potassium Chloride. Oh,
    well as they say K Cl, Cl.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: fmjones@gate.cybernex.net (Fred Jones)

    You mean you haven't heard about that fatty acid ester, ethyl
    palpitate, and the synthetic procedure, how to make ethyl palpitate??

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: outlier@ix.netcom.com (Ray Redd)

    Q:How do you get lean molecules?
    A:Feed them titrations.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: bpc@netcom.com (Benjamin P. Carter)

    How about the chemical workers--are they unionized?     ;)

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: cblair@thenet.co.uk (Christopher J Blair)

    Another example is the name for a molecule that is not ionized.  Is
    "unionized" a synonym for neutral?

    From: wpenrose@interaccess.com (William R. Penrose)

    No, it means they will stop carrying a charge until they get more money.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: thweatt@prairie.nodak.edu (Superdave the Wonderchemist)

    My favorite has always been uranyl acetate is it pronounced "yur-AYN-ul"
    or "YUR-u-nil"?  The pronunciation makes a big difference.  For those of
    you in the UK try uranyl arsenate.  Of course you can try uranyl uranate,
    but that would be anatomically incorrect (or at least wierd).

    Is PoO4(2-) polonate?  If so is it necessary for plant reproduction?

    What about GeO3(2-), is that germinate?  If so is it necessary for
    agriculture as well?

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: peabody@wam.umd.edu (Doctor Soran)

    Go skiing in Tellurium, Colorado
    Stanley Cupric's "Full Metal Jacket"
    The Uranium Songs:
    "I Get a Kick out of U" (Cole Porter)
    "I Can't Stay Away from U" (Gloria Estefan)

    Movie:
    "I Was a Teenage Werewolfram"

    Miscellaneous:
    The Baltic states of Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania along with the
    Cobaltic States of Germany, Poland, Sweden, and Finland

    June 6, 1944 was the radon Normandy.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From:   Sluggo the Pig <sluggothepig@geocities.com>
    A group of students were in Chemistry class.  They were in the process
    of heating a chemical material in a flask for futher study.  They
    asked the teacher if he had any insulating material to handle the hot
    container with, to which the teacher replied, "No, Do as best as you
    can!!!"

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "R.Balk" <balk.rg@hsbrabant.nl>
    For people who understand Dutch:
    V: Het staat in een lab en luister altijd?
    A: Een chromatobraaf.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
    A: Because it's in the ground state.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    Q: What do you call a swim team made up of girls named Jennifer?
    A: Hydrogens.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Lester S. Ruth <lajm@mediaone.net>
    Did you hear about the chemist who fell into the methoxybenzene reactor and
    made anisole of himself?

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: LOUIS <Louisphz@SKYNET.be>
    1)What is the most feminist acid?
    What is the most oscillating acid?
    What is table acid?

            A:Periodic acid

    2)If all the acids has to participate to the Olympic games, which one
    would win all the gold?

            A:Performic acid

    3)Which acid can spend his entire life in devotion?

            A:Acetic acid

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: blueyes82@attbi.com
    Two men sit on their pourch and stare at a car from across the street.
    One man says: That CARBON there for days.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    Special Category: Christmas Science Jokes
    From: "Samara Morgan" <fussylady01@hotmail.com>
    Three wise chemists walk into a bethlehem stable. Seeing the son of god
    lying in his manger, they tell Mary they have brought three gifts.  They
    drop to their knees and each give the baby jesus an isomer of
    [Au(NO2)(CO)2].

    Gold, FAC n' CIS and MER

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: PowerTenGiver@aol.com

    When asked if she wanted a PB and J sandwich for lunch, Jane said no I
    don't want a Lead and Jelly sandwich!

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "gigihart" <gigihart@email.msn.com>
    oxidative cleavage is not just another fashion statement...

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    Special Category: Definitions and terms
    From: Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us>
    Argon: Someone stole the letter between Q and S!

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Ed Felton (felton@eng3.UUCP)

    Add to this list if you can, but please send additions to me too.

    Some of these are not obvious, try looking at them for a while.

               List of "XXX's favorite elements"

                                   ELEMENTS

    What is a mortician's favorite element?  Barium &  Krypton
    What are a doctor's favorite elements?  Helium & Curium
    What is a robber's least favorite element? Copper
    What is a stage performers favorite element? Actinium
    What is Pat Sajak's favorite element?  Vanadium
    What is Mickey Mouse's favorite element? Plutonium
    What is a geneticist's favorite element? Mendelevium
    What is Saddam Hussein's favorite element? Cesium
    What is a nymphomaniac's favorite element? Fermium
    What is George Bush's favorite element?  Protactinium
    What is a friend's favorite element?  Palladium
    What is Monty Pithon's favorite element? Nickel
    What is Dr. Watson's favorite element?  Holmium
    What is a tourist's favorite element?  Europium, Germanium, Francium
    What is the Cowardly Lion's favorite element? Osmium
    What is a tailor's favorite element?  Sodium
    What is an hit man's favorite element?  Iridium
    What is a guy's favorite element?  Gallium
    What is a captain's least favorite element? Zinc
    What is a programmer's favorite element? Carbon
    What is a plowman's favorite element?  Oxygen
    What is a baker's favorite element?  Flourine
    What is an orthopaedic surgeon's fav. element? Neon
    What is Odyssius' favorite element?  Beryllium
    What is a draftsman's favorite element?  Cadmium
    What is Margaret's defense against rape? Magnesium
    What is Mrs. Pacino's favorite element?  Aluminum
    What is a prison's funniest element?  Silicon
    What is "Happy Days" favorite element?  Phosphorus
    What is a merchant's favorite element?  Sulfur
    What element inspired famous designer jeans? Calcium
    What is a steam rollers favorite element? Platinum
    What is a fax machine's favorite element? Scandium
    What is prince Charles' favorite element? Polonium
    What is a Usenet Users favorite element? Radon
    What is a morning person's favorite element? Americium
    What is a Hayes Modem's favorite element? Astatine
    What is San Francisco's favorite element? Titanium
    What is Frisco's second favorite element? Uranium
    What is Frisco's third favorite element? Bismuth
    What is Odin's favorite element?  Chromium
    What is a college registrar's favorite element? Iron
    What is used car dealers favorite element? Selenium
    What is Mad Max's favorite element?  Rhodium
    What is a music lover's favorite element? Cadmium
    What is the clergyman's least favorite element? Tin
    What is the KGB's least favorite element? Tellurium
    What is the football player's least fav. elmt? Hafnium
    What is a thespian's favorite element?  Actinium
    What is a bald man's favorite element?  Chromium
    What is a C programmer's favorite element? Argon
    What is a three year old's favorite element? Yttrium
    What is the friendliest element?  Hydrogen
    What element is not as friendly?  Gold
    What element is always leaving?   Copper
    What is the least truthful element  Lithium
    Which element is least liked at a party? Boron
    What element do you use to clean a   thunderbucket?    Potassium
    Where do you get Jovian fast food?  Iodine-r

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                                Imaginary Elements

    From: Harry Farkas (hfarkas@columbus.rr.com)
    Unobtanium: Metal from which impossible-to-find auto parts are made [from
    news:alt.autos.studebaker]
    Gotohellium: Self-explanatory
    Tedium: Element used in boring
    Carbom: Element used by terrorists
    Titamium: Material used for support brassieres

    From: Bob
    Carban: What was used before they discovered Unobtanium
    Hairgon: A noble gas that causes baldness
    Tonguesten: The essential element of politicians
    Bedelam: What little boys are really made of
    Cranium: What the inventor of the lifting device thought would be good
    Dallium: Half-life of 1E9999999999 years
    Halfnium: Metal used for patella replacements
    Rekneeum: When Halfnium isn't enough
    Perterbium: Very difficult to discover
    Anguscrum: Used instead of leather for Scottish rugby matches
    Angstrum: A very small element
    Myanium: Not uranium
    Eastgermanium and Westgermanium: Products of germanium fission
    Shelium: Fuses with helium
    Flowerine: A bloomin' beautiful element
    Sodayum: New sweetener for carbonated drinks
    Nigh,o,be,um: The essential element of love
    Crypton: The element of death
    Donnyosmium: Gets teeth really, really white
    Pallidium: Grayish-white element
    Seizeium: Stickyest element
    Goholmiun: What I gotta do.  Bye.
    Argon: (What we'll be when we all goholmiun)

    From: Glenn Gardner (steed@netcom.ca)
    Iumium: Highly addictive element used in making chocolates. (GG)
    Hagisesium: Causes intense reaction after eating local 'delicacies'.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                          Out of their element
    From: A.M.H. (SPAMannhov@total.netSTINKS)

    The silicon put his neon the window ledge, climbed out and then
    krypton along the wall to meet his buddy. I hope the guard cesium
    before they argon!

    From: mellnick (mellnick@sunnetworks.net)

    But the guard lepton the ledge.  Might be that silicon has an unusual quark,
    a magnetic personality.

    From: Robert Amesz (rcameszREMOVETHIS@dds.nl.removethistoo)

    These puns get boron real soon. We could branch out into minerals, of
    quartz. On second thought, how about a Heavy Metal thread? Discuss Van
    Helium, or some other (absorption) band. O dear, I believe I've lead you

    Steel yourselves -- someone's about to copper an attitude, and some of us
    are not as ferrous others and can berylli,um, sulphurous.

    From: Bob C. (bobcar@eskimo.com)

    It was Sherlock Holmes who organized all those elements into today's  modern
    tree structure.  He always patted himself on the back by repeatedly saying
    "Element tree, my dear Watson".

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Andrew Theyken Bench <abench@fandm.edu>

    Before starting an organic chemistry test on isomerism, a student asks his
    professor if the test was difficult.  The professor, recognizing the
    student was not prepared answered, "Of course, all of this material is
    E-Z."

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "Eugene Hluschak" <genehl@sympatico.ca>

    Kekule, who conceptualized  the Benzene Ring was sitting at the bar at the
    Scientists Ball expounding on how the whole idea had come to him in a dream.

    'That’s very interesting.' said the man sitting next to him.

    'Oh yeah! And who might you be?' he asked.

    'I’m Robert Chesebrough.' said the man.

    'And what are you famous for might I ask?'

    'Not much ... but I did invent petroleum jelly ... you know Vaseline!'

    'And how did you dream up that idea?'

    'Oh, I didn’t dream it at all … I got it from my pet parrot … the one with a
    speech impediment.'

    'Oh really ... now just how did that happen?'

    'Well I was working with crude oils back when Rockefeller was making his
    fortune in the industry and we had all these by-products that were being
    dumped into a stream and I was thinking about how they could be put to good
    use. I was out for a walk in the park one day with my pet parrot on my
    shoulder when she spied a rather large duck! She immediately squawked
    'Polymer needs a Quacker'. I realized that it would put her to great stress
    so I came up with Vaseline.'

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Eric Daymo (eric@fold.berkeley.edu)

                The Story of Ethyl & Grignard ....  E.D.    2/4/93

    Ethyl and Grignard met at the H bar - a popular spot for continuous
    operators to hang out.  Ethyl noticed Grignard as soon as he transported
    himself in.  At first their attraction was only Van der Waals, but
    after Grignard bought Ethyl some ethanol the conversation became quite
    friendly.

    The couple fell deeper into the potential well of love.  Grignard felt his
    rigid rotor gain a quanta and he knew it was time to operate on Ethyl.
    "Would you commute with me, Ethyl?  My Mercedes Benzyl is parked right
    outside."   Ethyl was excited about the opportunity to hybridize with the
    best molecule in the bar and left without hesitation.

    The reaction proceeded at a fast rate, and Grignard was quick to distill the
    small talk down to the synthesis that was at hand.  He exposed his nucleophile
    and asked Ethyl to remove her protecting group.  Ethyl was taken aback by this
    lowering of the energy barrier.  "Shouldn't we take precautions against
    side reactions?"  Grignard laughed - he knew the conditions were right and no
    unwanted products would be formed.

    Ethyl removed her protecting group and exposed her lone pairs.  Grignard,
    who to this point was in a ground state, realized the potential and entered
    an excited state. The transition shocked Ethyl, who moaned, "I've never seen
    such a long alkyl group before." Grignard smiled with pride, but in his mind he
    worried whether or not his long chain would cause steric hindrances.
    Ethyl and Grignard maneuvered near each other without any hydrophobic
    tendencies.  Ethyl's feelings were basic:  she wanted maximum overlap.

    Grignard backside attacked ethyl, taking advantage of her fully exposed
    carbo-cation.  "Ooh," Ethyl said, "no solvent molecule has ever done that
    to me before.  All they ever did was deprotinate me - I was left all alone
    feeling rather negative."

    Grignard added himself to her, but he never equilibrated and was forced to
    reverse his reaction.

    "Don't tease me with your carbo-anion ... Complete the mechanism."  When
    Grignard backside attacked for the second time, he could feel the hyper-
    conjugation taking place.  Grignard maneuvered her lone pairs and pushed
    his electrons deep into her conjugated pi system.  Ethyl shrieked at the
    thought of this un-natural anti-bonding configuration, but Grignard explained
    that what they were doing was symmetry allowed.  Afterall, this was a hetero-
    lytic reaction.

    Now that the initialization step was complete, the long series of propagation
    steps started.  Ethyl started feeling rather radical, and her new reactivity
    caused Grignard to vibrate faster.  Grignard could begin to feel a coupling
    between his vibration and rotation.  Obviously he was dealing with no simple
    basis set, for she was currently fully orthogonal.   Grignard whispered
    to Ethyl, "You better watch out because I'm going to normalize you."  Ethyl
    reminded Grignard that she can't be diagonalized like any other molecule,
    and her wavefunction was too complicated for even the most sophisticated
    algorithm to elucidate.

    They were both happy until Grignard asked Ethyl if she'd mind if he had her
    spectra taken.  The thought of being probed by an electromagnetic field
    horrified her.  If that wasn't all, the spectra would likely be published
    in one of those chemistry magazines ... and her pi system and lone pairs
    would be exposed for all to see.

    Ethyl entered a new resonance structure, shifted a negative charge to her
    carboxyl group, and made further conjugation by Grignard unfavorable.
    To make matters worse, Grignard forgot Ethyl's IUPAC name!  Ethyl put her
    protecting group back on and kicked Grignard out of her beaker.

    As Grignard walked back to his Benzyl he realized that he was a little
    dehydrated.  The night was still young, so he convected himself back to
    the H Bar, where he continued to operate frictionlessly on other hermitian
    functions.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: zahir hussain <zahirratan@yahoo.co.uk>

    amino-acid: Am I No Acid?
    keto-acid: Yes, you are.

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "D Tan" <d_tan@hotmail.com>

    Daddy Graduated cylinder: *proudly* My son just graduated today!!!
    Daddy Thermometer: *with a smug* no big deal!!! my son, he has many degrees!

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 3. chemistry - general
- 3.1 chemistry poetry
- 3.2 chemistry quotes
- 3.3 chemical puns
- 3.4 in the lab
- 3.5 chemical dictionary
- 3.6 chemists
- 3.7 elements
- 3.8 H20

Member of the Science Humor Net Ring
[ Previous 5 Sites | Previous | Next | Next 5 Sites ]
[ Random Site | List Sites ]

Hit Statistics