## 8. ACADEMIC LIFE

#### Subsections

- 8. academic life - general
- 8.1 rules for research
- 8.2 rules for writing an article
- 8.3 academic life poetry
- 8.4 research quotes
- 8.5 publish and explanation quotes
- 8.6 In the classroom
- 8.7 graduate students
- 8.8 exams
- 8.9 love life
- 8.10 students
- 8.11 staff
- 8.12 remarkable academic institutes

### 8.1 RULES FOR RESEARCH:

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice, but
    in practice there is a great deal of difference.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Steve Davis <"sdsd@userid"@west.net>
    Law of invisible phenomena: The absence of evidence is not evidence of
    absence.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    Special Category: Arthur Eddington
    From: "Christopher Brown" <cbrown@chem1.chem.dal.ca>

    Let us suppose that an ichthyologist is exploring the life of the ocean. He
    casts a net into the water and brings up a fishy assortment. Surveying his
    catch, he proceeds in the usual manner of a scientist to systematise what
    it reveals. He arrives at two generalisations:

    (1) No sea-creature is less than two inches long
    (2) All sea-creatures have gills.

    These are both true of his catch, and he assumes tentatively that they will
    remain true however often he repeats it.  In applying this analogy, the
    catch stands for the body of knowledge which constitutes physical science,
    and the net for the sensory and intellectual equipment which we use in
    obtaining it. The casting of the net corresponds to observation; for
    knowledge which has not been or could not be obtained by observation is not
    admitted into physical science.  An onlooker may object that the first
    generalization is wrong. "There are plenty of sea-creatures under two
    inches long, only your net is not adapted to catch them." The icthyologist
    dismisses this objection contemptuously. "Anything uncatchable by my net is
    ipso facto outside the scope of icthyological knowledge. In short, "what my
    net can't catch isn't fish."  Or-to translate the analogy - "If you are not
    simply guessing, you are claiming a knowledge of the physical universe
    discovered in some other way than by the methods of physical science, and
    admittedly unverifiable by such methods. You are a metaphysician. Bah!"

        ~ Arthur Eddington, in The Philosophy of Physical Science, 1958

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                            FINAGLE'S LAWS:

    1.   If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
    2.1  No matter what result is anticipated, there is always someone willing
         to fake it.
    2.2  No matter what the result, there is always someone eager to
         misinterpret it.
    2.3  No matter what happens, there is always someone who believes it
         happened according to his pet theory.
    3.   In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond
         all need of checking, is the mistake.
    4.   Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it
         worse.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                       FINAGLE'S CREED
                Science is Truth;  don't be misled by facts.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                           THE FINAGLE FACTOR
    (Sometimes called the SWAG(Scientific Wild-Assed Guess) Constant)

    That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or
    subtracted from the answer which you got, yields the answer you
    should have gotten.

    [note]   Items such as 'Finagle's Constant' and the more subtle 'Bougerre
             Factor' are loosely grouped, in mathematics, under constant
             variables, or, if you prefer, variable constants.

    Finagle's Constant, a multiplier of the zero-order term, may be
    characterized as changing the universe to fit the equation.

    The Bougerre (pronounced 'bugger') Factor is characterized as changing the
    equation to fit the universe.  It is also known as the 'Soothing Factor';
    mathematically similar to the damping factor, it has the characteristic
    of dropping the subject under discussion to zero importance.

    A combination of the two, the Diddle Coefficient, is characterized as
    changing things so that universe and equation appear to fit without
    requiring a change in either.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                           FINAGLE'S COROLLARY
    On a seasonally adjusted basis, there are only six months in a year.

    If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
    the page number.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                    IGGY'S RULE OF SCIENTIFIC ADVANCES
    All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths.
    Engineering advances are drawn inside matchbook covers.  Keep supplies
    of them handy at all times.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                           RULES OF THE LAB
    1.  When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
    2.  Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way
        each time.
    3.  First draw your curves, then plot your data.
    4.  Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
    5.  A record of data is essential, it shows you were working.
    6.  To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
    7.  To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
    8.  If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and
        derive the question.
    9.  If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle.
    10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
    11. Do not believe in miracles---rely on them.
    12. Team work is essential.  It allows you to blame someone else.
    13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
    14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use
                  can be made of it.(Law of Spontaneous Fission)

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                                 RULE OF ACCURACY
    When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know
    the answer

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                                  RULE OF FAILURE
    If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you have tried.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                                  RULE OF REASON
    If nobody uses it, there's a reason.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                           ARNOLD'S LAWS OF DOCUMENTATION

    1. If it should exist, it doesn't.
    2. If it does exist, it's out of date.
    3. Only useless documentation transcends the first two laws.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Jim Hargrove <hargrove@austin.asc.slb.com>
    Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good, and when
    it is bad it's still better than nothing.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF STATISTICAL INFERENCE
    1. Thou shalt not hunt statistical inference with a shotgun.
    2. Thou shalt not enter the valley of the methods of inference without an
       experimental design.
    3. Thou shalt not make statistical inference in the absence of a model.
    4. Thou shalt honour the assumptions of thy model.
    5. Thy shalt not adulterate thy model to obtain significant results.
    6. Thy shalt not covet thy colleagues' data.
    7. Thy shalt not bear false witness against thy control group.
    8. Thou shalt not worship the 0.05 significance level.
    9. Thy shalt not apply large sample approximation in vain.
    10. Thou shalt not infer causal relationships from statistical
        significance.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: c1prasad@watson.ibm.com (prasad)

    Never replicate a successful experiment -Fett's law.  [cf CF]

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: Koos.denOudsten@phil.ruu.nl
    Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
    couple of hours in the library.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    Special Category: Norbert Wiener
                             Wiener'S LAW OF LIBRARIES
    There are no answers, only cross references.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: joeshmoe@world.std.com (Jascha Franklin-Hodge)
    (List of Taglines)

    A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
    Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
    An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
    An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts.
    Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
    Dangerous exercise: Jumping to conclusions.
    Discoveries are made by not following instructions.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                         FURTHER HINTS ON WRITE-UPS:
    1. In any collection of data, the figures that most closely confirm the
       theory are wrong.
    2. No one you ask for help will see the mistakes either.
    3. Any nagging intruder who stops by with unsought advice will see them
       immediately.
    4. If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
    5. An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half the data
       must be discarded to agree with the theory.
    6. No experiment is ever a complete failure.  It can serve as a bad example.
    7. Always leave room, when writing a report, to add an explanation if it
       doesn't work (Rule of the Way Out).

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: jac@ds8.scri.fsu.edu (Jim Carr)

    Raw data is like raw sewage, it requires some processing before it can
    be spread around.  The opposite is true of theories.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    Murphy's law of research: Enough research will tend to support you theory.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                                   WETHERN'S LAW
    Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                                 WYSZOWSKI'S LAWS
    1. No experiment is reproducible
    2. Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: jejanes@mtu.edu (Jeff E. Janes)

    I believe there is a scientific method, or at least a method that
    serves me well.

    Jeff's scientific method:
    play with it until--
     1) you break it
     2) it breaks you
     3) you figure it out
     4) your mom/boss/TA/Prof catches you
     5) you discover something more interesting to play with.

engineering
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "kaushik dayal" <k_dayal@hotmail.com>

Engg. Research Thumb Rule : When in doubt, fit a curve.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "Markus Wegmann" <M.Wegmann@mecheng.strath.ac.uk>
    The actual work done while trying to get a thesis together can be broken
    down as follows:

    85% of the time is spent finding equipment, repairing equipment, or finding
    somebody to run or repair the equipment for you;

    10% of the time is spent designing experiments and collecting data;

    5% of the time is spent making the collected data presentable.

    -Original (based on personal experience.......)

    From: Vicky Hamilton <hamilton@emma.la.asu.edu>
    20% (or less) is the amount of time it would have taken you to do the
    project if you knew then what you know now.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: spebcg@thor.cf.ac.uk (Beytullah)

    51 tips for research work from Loughborough University

    1.      Dont't panic too often
    2.      Only write on one side of the paper
    3.      Be nice to librarians - esp in inter-library loans
    4.      Remember that your supervisor is a busy person - if he/she isn't,
    	change your supervisor
    5.      Find out how you work best
    6.      Read your degree regulations
    7.      Always have a couple of things you can work on
    8.      Read some theses from your university in your area
    9.      Budget for typing and binding
    10.     Plan ahead
    11.     Photocopying is not the same as reading
    12.     Keep planning structures
    13.     Put your external's books on the bibliography
    14.     Get a good typist - or buy/use a word processor
    15.     Don't think it will be perfect...
    16.     read your supervisor's thesis
    17.     Be prepared to rewrite your early drafts
    18.     Write your introduction first; write the reader's last
    19.     Put conventions on cards for you and your typist
    20.     Keep full bibliographical details
    21..    Have someone comment on your style at an early stage
    22.     Set yourself short term goals...
    23.     and if you aren't meeting them, work out why
    24.     Allow plenty of time for writing up
    25.     Step back from time to time
    26.     Overdo footnotes at first, they're easy to take out
    27.     With each piece of work ask, "Is it worth doing this?"
    28.     Don't begrudge some time spent reading very widely
    29.     Find out early on about submission and presentation details
    30.     Talk to people about it
    31.     Think of it as a meal ticket
    32.     Keep writing..and writing..and writing..
    33.     Reading one more book won't solve all your problems
    34.     Buy a book on punctuation
    35.     Use your research to make contacts
    36.     Use a card index for references, etc
    37.     keep a research diary
    38.     Make sure your bibliography is comprehensive
    39.     If you set something aside for a while, make notes about how you plan
    	to continue with it
    40.     Using quotations doesn't make the idea more true
    41.     and you can usually write it better yourself
    42.     Don't begrudge time spent thinking
    43.     Label your diagrams properly
    44.     Find a typist who has done your sort of work before
    45.     Don't be afraid to be imaginative
    46.     Organise an efficient filing system
    47.     Remember that a thesis needs to have a thesis
    48.     It is very important to run out of excuses for not writing
    49.     The world is full of unfinished thesis
    50.     Remember, purple clashes horribly with lots of colour

    From: esen@CS.ColoState.EDU (Erol Esen)

    51.     Don't forget to drink a whole bottle of Tequila when you're done!

chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: mcrae@husc.harvard.edu
    A recent joke in this group reminded of one that my physics professor used
    to tell:

    THE CHEMIST'S RULE:

    Never take more than three data points. There will always be some kind of
    graph paper on which they fall in a straight line.

    THE CHEMIST'S RULE, FIRST COROLLARY:

    If you have only one kind of graph paper, never take more than two data
    points.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: dougk
    If you know what you're doing, how long it will take, or what it will cost,
    it isn't research.

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 8. academic life - general
- 8.1 rules for research
- 8.2 rules for writing an article
- 8.3 academic life poetry
- 8.4 research quotes
- 8.5 publish and explanation quotes
- 8.6 In the classroom
- 8.7 graduate students
- 8.8 exams
- 8.9 love life
- 8.10 students
- 8.11 staff
- 8.12 remarkable academic institutes

Member of the Science Humor Net Ring
[ Previous 5 Sites | Previous | Next | Next 5 Sites ]
[ Random Site | List Sites ]

Hit Statistics