## 3. CHEMISTRY

#### Subsections

- 3. chemistry - general
- 3.1 chemistry poetry
- 3.2 chemistry quotes
- 3.3 chemical puns
- 3.4 in the lab
- 3.5 chemical dictionary
- 3.6 chemists
- 3.7 elements
- 3.8 H20

### 3.5 CHEMICAL DICTIONARY

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Special Category: Definitions and terms

chemistry
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    From:         Xkarlk@POBoxes.comX (Karl)

    Disclaimer:  I didn't write this, I'm just reposting it.

                                 THE LAST WORD
                       The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary

    Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of
    coffee.

    Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first
    proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern
    computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer
    simulation have failed.  Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly
    that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or
    occasionally upon the month of his or her birth.  This apparent
    astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of
    astrology as the mother of all science.

    Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made
    experimentation fashionable.  Bacon was the first science popularizer to
    make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even
    outsold the fad diets of the period.

    Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.

    Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for
    brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be
    poisoned without having to go all the way to the company cafeteria.

    Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-smelling
    alcohol.

    CAI: Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction".  The modern system of
    training professional scientists without ever exposing them to the
    hazards and expense of laboratory work.  Graduates of CAI-based programs
    are very good at simulated research.

    Cavendish: A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce
    remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads to major
    scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a British research laboratory
    where the tobacco is smoked in abundance.

    Chemical: A substance that:
     1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odor;
     2) an analytical chemist turns into a procedure;
     3) a physical chemist turns into a straight line;
     4) a biochemist turns into a helix;
     5) a chemical engineer turns into a profit.

    Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic
    chemist only does for fun.

    Chromatography: (From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing]) The
    practice of submitting manuscripts for publication with the original
    figures drawn in non-reproducing blue ink.

    Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs.  (See also
    PHARMACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY)

    Compound: To make worse, as in: 1) A fracture; 2) the mutual
    adulteration of two or more elements.

    Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the
    acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the
    purchase request is released.

    Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put.

    En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists.  For
    years, efforts were made to use ethylene-diamine for this purpose, but
    chemists were unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of
    the octahedron diagram.  The timely invention of en in 1947
    revolutionized the science.

    Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students
    can drink in a year's time.

    Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants
    methylate until they drop from exhaustion.

    First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one
    desired.  For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep.

    Flame Test: Trial by fire.

    Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have
    been doing informally all along.

    Grignard: A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams
    and never in real life.

    Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic,
    analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic
    table.

    Mercury: (From L.  Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) Element
    No. 80, so named because of the speed of which one of its compounds
    (calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through the human digestive tract.  The element
    is perhaps misnamed, because the gods probably would not be pleased by
    the physiological message so delivered.

    Monomer: One mer.  (Compare POLYMER).

    Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory
    when they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, while Nature
    gets no credit for making it with great ease.

    Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into
    publications.

    Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab
    supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions.

    Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the
    traditional academic grading system with a binary one that can be
    handled by a large digital computer.

    Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs.  (See also
    CLINICAL TESTING, TOXICOLOGY).

    Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in
    the universe.

    Pilot Plant: A modest facility used for confirming design errors before
    they are built into a costly, full-scale production facility.

    Polymer: Many mers.  (Compare MONOMERS).

    Prelims: (From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An obligatory ritual
    practiced by graduate students just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if
    the gods are appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).

    Publish or Perish: The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and
    oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by most faculty
    members.

    Purple Passion: A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of
    grape juice and lab alcohol.

    Quantum Mechanics: A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which
    decay frequently to the ground state.

    Rate Equations: (Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a formula
    based on its utility and applicability.  H=E, for example, applies to
    everything everywhere, and therefore rates an A.  pV=nRT, on the other
    hand, is good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+,
    but this grade can be changed to a B- if enough empirical virial
    coefficients are added.

    Research: (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of humanity,
    you do for the money, he does to hog all the glory.

    Sagan: The international unit of humility.

    Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be
    proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are
    therefore futile.

    SI: Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle".

    Spectrophotometry: A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman
    nonmajors.

    Spectroscope: A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical
    specialists to probe and examine the spectrum.

    Toxicology: The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for
    that purpose.  (See also CLINICAL TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).

    X-Ray Diffraction: An occupational disorder common among physicians,
    caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms for prolonged
    periods.  The condition is readily cured by a greater reliance on blood
    chemistries; the lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but
    are easier to read.

    Ytterbium: A rare and inconsequential element, named after the village
    of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late pianist and
    film personality, who was actually Spanish, not Swedish).  Ytterbium is
    used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table. Iturbi was used
    mainly to play Jane Powell's father.

chemistry
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    From: "Earl L. Smith" <esmith@utep.edu>
    S.I. Prefixes for molecules

    10-3			m			millimole
    10-6			\mu			micromole
    10-9			n			nanomole
    10-12			p			picomole
    10-15			f			femtomole
    10-18			a			attomole
    10-21			z			zeptomole

    10-24			g			guacamole

    Note:  1 gmole represents 0.6 molecules.  :-)

    Daniel Boismenu, CNE News 27 Jan. 1997, p. 72

chemistry
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    Special Category: Definitions and terms
    From: "Jon" <Jon-D@43-arun.freeserve.co.uk>
    Pharmacist : A growth on an agricultural worker.

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 3. chemistry - general
- 3.1 chemistry poetry
- 3.2 chemistry quotes
- 3.3 chemical puns
- 3.4 in the lab
- 3.5 chemical dictionary
- 3.6 chemists
- 3.7 elements
- 3.8 H20

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