## 2. PHYSICS

#### Subsections

- 2. physics - general
- 2.1 physics poetry
- 2.2 physics quotes
- 2.3 physics puns
- 2.4 pseudo physics (cat physics, cartoon physics)
- 2.5 new physical theories
- 2.6 learning physics
- 2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots)
- 2.8 physical proofs
- 2.9 physical one-liners
- 2.10 quantum mechanics (starring Schroedingers cat!)
- 2.11 relativity
- 2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer
- 2.13 physicists
- 2.14 astronomy
- 2.15 electrons
- 2.16 electro-magnetism and light
- 2.17 Newtons's laws and classical dynamics
- 2.18 thermodynamics
- 2.19 in the lab
- 2.20 strange but real findings
- 2.21 the buttered bread on cat problem

### 2.1 PHYSICS POETRY

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

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    From: <dawool@bellsouth.net>

       Schroedinger's cat

    I have been reading of Schroedinger's cat
    But none of my cats are at all like that.
    This unusual animal (so it is said)
    Is simultaneously live and dead!
    What I don't understand is just why he
    Can't be one or other, unquestionably.
    My future now hangs in between eigenstates.
    In one I'm enlightened, the other I ain't.
    If you understand, then show me the way
    And rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
    But if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
    Then I will and won't see you in Schroedinger's zoo.

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    From: Don Casada <doncasada@icx.net>
    Here's a bit of poetry (using the term loosely) on Bernoulli's equation and
    other fluid movement relations:

### The way the water wends

    (Words wrought by a worn down wag)

    It's twice the rate at which rain doth fall
    Into how fast it's a-gittin' there, square.

    Plus what it is a holdin' it back times
    Deux points trois ( l'eau sanitaire).

    And how far thou art toward heaven
    (or toward hell  better not go there!).

    Now, I ain't the one who made this up,
    But I do believe it's true.
    And if you want to check it out,
    Right here is what you do:

    Talk with them fellers, Leon and Dan'l
    (They's the ones who told it to me).
    Though, strange, when I asked them who they wuz,
    They said "Oil her" and "Burn you, Lee!"

    Winding along the worrisome way,
    Things heat up, and so I guess
    You better not forget to
    Account for shear distress.

    My palpitatin' heart is a-pumpin',
    It's plumb positively displaced!
    And those heady words, "Energy o'er weight,"
    My feeble mind just can't erase.

    I'm feeling hot, tired and hammered,
    Need a cool shower, I would say.
    Ain't got no indoor plumbin' here,
    But I figgered me another way...

    Got eleven sixty gallon water barrels;
    The old horse can lift 'em six feet,
    And wash me down in just a minute,
    That'll be perfect and complete!

    by: Don Casada

    (with apologies to and great admiration for Leonhard Euler and Daniel
    Bernoulli)

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    From: "Frank Bohan" <franbo@globalnet.co.uk>
    Special Category: Isaac Newton
    Byron
    When Newton saw an apple fall, he found ...
    A mode of proving that the earth turnd round
    In a most natural whirl, called gravitation;
    And thus is the sole mortal who could grapple
    Since Adam, with a fall or with an apple.

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    Special Category: Archimedes

    From: "Brian Redmile" <bredmile@iafrica.com>

    Came across this at school, early 1950s.  Funny how some things stick!

                            ARCHIMEDES' PRINCIPLE

    Students of physics are frequently told
    Of experiments performed by great physicists of old
    Like Boyles and Charles -- but greatest of these
    Was the Principle discovered by Archimedes.

    The Sicilian King, Archimedes was told,
    Ordered a crown from a large lump of gold,
    And though the weight of the gold was completely correct,
    The goldsmith's eye made the King suspect
    That he'd made up the weight with some cheaper metal
    And stolen some gold, that his debts he might settle.
    His problem was then of outstanding immensity
    As he had no idea, whatsoever, of density.

    Climbing into a bath he received a surprise
    When he noticed the water beginning to rise.
    He suddenly snapped, and let out a scream,
    As he realised, with joy, his long-wished-for dream.

    He found the upthrust, produced on a body's base*,
    To be equal in weight to the water displaced,
    And soon volumes and weights would make it quite plain
    What various metals the crown could contain,
    And so he could easily show to his Royalty
    The absolute proof of the goldsmith's disloyalty.

    Leaping out of the bath at remarkable rate,
    He made for the palace by doorway and gate --
    But the men in the street were completely confounded
    To see a naked man shout "Eureka!  I've found it!"

    *    Is this the only error?  The upthrust is not on the base, but at the
    Centre of Pressure.

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    From: Hello i'm an Alien (TiddyOgg@half.co.ck)

    For tradition I have great respect,
    And Sod's Law I'd never suspect
    But you can be tricked,
    When these two conflict:
    Which one can you say is correct?

    Now a cat always lands on its feet,
    So tradition says.  And I repeat
    Toast, when golden brown,
    Lands butter side down,
    Or Professor's Sod's law will be beat.

    I needed to find the truth,
    So I took the cat up to the roof -
    All fourteen floors,
    Though it scratched with its claws
    And bit, but I must have the proof.

    To its back strapped I one slice of bread,
    With butter 'twas liberally spread;
    In the interests of science,
    Despite his defiance,
    To the parapet's edge I did tread.

    I tossed the cat over the rail;
    It spat, yowled, and gave me one bale-
    ful glare as it fell,
    It wished me in hell...
    But that's not the end of my tail.

    A truck passing by in the street,
    It's load covered by canvas sheet,
    By the moggie was caught,
    And it gallantly fought,
    To cling to the side with its feet.

    So now with my news I've regaled
    You, but my schemings all failed.
    I've still no evidence
    Of which law takes precedence,
    And probably soon I'll be jailed.

    Tiddy Ogg.

    Sod's Law, in case anyone does not know states: if it can go wrong, it
    will.
    This was discovered by Britain's Professor Sod, but, like so many
    other things, the Merkins claim credit for their Dr. Murphy.

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    From: archie (archive@iinet.net.au)

    Of toast I soon had had my fill
    A slice tied onto my cat, Rill.
    When dropped from a height
    She's in severe fright -
    Rill's suspended - spinning there still!

    Archie - All I have to do now is to attach a system of shafts and cogs
    and - whoopee - a perpetual motion machine!!!!
    For newcomers - cats always land on their feet, Toast always lands
    butter side down.   Sod discovered this and Murphy replicated the
    experiments, thus confirming them!
    Thank you Murphy or Sod or whoever (Wasn't it actually a Russian who
    discovered those laws first?)

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    From:    H <aitch@norfolk.infi.net>
    Tid, all those professors who rate
    A parchment for predicting fate
    Quantumly know
    That soon as you throw:
    Such cat's in an up *and* down state.

    Special Category: Erwin Schrödinger

    -=H=- My ol' buddy Schrodinger tried the toast-cat-butter-ducttape
    experiment several times, but he could never bear to observe the results
    (meekly claiming that the act of observation itself would affect the
    outcome), and indeed never opened the boxes in which I returned his
    cats.

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    From: cybe@cyberwizardstower.com (Cybe R. Wizard)

    A  PROton once spied a Boson,
    said, "Sailor boy, you I have chosen,
    It's your type of guy on
    whom, cutesy pion,
    a strong interaction I'm closin'."

    "But, sailor boy, don't let me down,
    strutting off with that new cloud in town.
    I need a bambino,
    a little neutrino,
    so you need to have a breakdown."

    "She's pulling a big meson me,"
    said the Boson, "virtually
    all of her spin
    is for pulling me in,
    I'm uncertain, positively."

    But that was three decades ago.
    Today would it happen?  Why, no.
    It'd now be a quark
    buzzing 'round, on a lark,
    making all this activity flow.

    like this:

    Strange Bottom Down on the docks
    spied  Up Top Charm and set her locks.
    She hadron, you see,
    quantum mechanically
    put them both within Schrödinger's box.

    What Color!  What Charge!  What a Spin!
    What a probable box to be in!
    What a wonderful GUT
    to Big Bang her butt
    she'll superstring him along once again.

    Dog, I love subatomic interactions!
    These days there are dozens of factions
    each with their own theory.
    It's making me weary
    In fact, I think I'll hit the sack, you 'uns.

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    Einsteinium
    by Susan Lowe

    Radio-active Einsteinium
    Has the atomic number nine-ninium.
    It was found in the ash
    Of a hydrogen blast.
    As is its chemical signium.
    So few really know of Einsteinium,
    It really is one of a kindium.
    It doesn't seem fair
    To have to compare,
    It just doesn't have any timium.

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    A corpuscle once did oscillate so quickly to and fro,
    He always raised disturbances wherever he did go.
    He struggles hard for freedom against a powerful foe --
    An atom -- who would not let him go.
    The aether trembled at his agitations
       In a manner so familiar that I only need to say,
    In accordance with Clerk Maxwell's six equations,
       It tickled people's optics far away.

    The corpuscle radiated until he had conceived
    A plan by which his freedom might easily be achieved;
    I'll not go into details for I might not be believed,
    Indeed, I'm sure I should not be believed.
    However, there was one decisive action.
       The atom and the corpuscle each made a single charge,
    But the atom could not hold him in subjection,
       Though something like a thousand times as large.

       The corpuscle won the day,
       And in freedom went away,
       And became a cathode ray.
       But his life was rather gay,
       And he went at such a rate
       That he ran against a plate;
       When the aether saw his fate
       Its pulse did palpitate.

       -- From Post-Prandial Proceedings of the Cavendish Society,
    Cambridge, England.

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                      THE QUANTUM'S PLIGHT

    A lively little quantum went darting through the air,
    Just as energetic quanta go speeding everywhere.
    He had traveled far -- this quantum -- urged as if by some far
    call,
    When he saw a lonely atom with no signs of pep at all,
    And he started for that atom in the highest of elation,
    Said he: "Here's where I show the world a trick of transmutation.
    I'm going to hit that atom such an awful, awful whack,
    That I'll knock out its electrons so far they can't get back."
    So he gave that peaceful atom such an energetic shove,
    That its outermost electrons soared to levels far above.
    Then the atom got excited, and it held the quantum fast,
    Until the last electron came tumbling back at last.
    Then the quantum was released again, and fled in degradation,
    While the atom got the credit for a lot of radiation.

    -- E.H. Johnson

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    A certain PHYS REV referee
    Considers all papers with glee:
    "What's new is not true,
    And what's true is not new,
    Unless it was written by me."

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    From: Ian Ellis <ian@iglou.com>
    Here is a limerick goldmine for you from the American Physical Society
    contest: http://www.aps.org/apsnews/limericks.html
    Examples: (there are many more submissions in the archives)

    Doin' its Own Thing
    by Edward H. Green

    The first law of Newton I sing
    My voice has a relevant ring:
    "An object left free
    Of hassles will be
    Engrossed in just doing its thing."
    --

    May the Force Be With You
    by David Morin, Eric Zaslow, E'beth Haley, John Golden, and Nathan
    Salwen

    On a merry-go-round in the night,
    Coriolis was shaken with fright.
    Despite how he walked,
    'Twas like he was stalked,
    By some fiend always pushing him right.
    --

            Condensed Story of Ms Farad
    by A. P. French

    Miss Farad was pretty and sensual
    And charged to a reckless potential;
    But a rascal named Ohm
    Conducted her home -
    Her decline was, alas, exponential.
    --

    Wish I Were a Fly on the Wall
    by Robert D. Cowan

    There once was a fly on the wall
    I wonder why didn't it fall
    Because its feet stuck
    Or was it just luck
    Or does gravity miss things so small?
    --
    Special Category: Albert Einstein
    Special Category: Isaac Newton
    A Brief History of Gravity
    by Bruce Elliot

    It filled Galileo with mirth
    To watch his two rocks fall to Earth.
    He gladly proclaimed,
    "Their rates are the same,
    And quite independent of girth!"

    Then Newton announced in due course
    His own law of gravity's force:
    "It goes, I declare,
    As the inverted square
    Of the distance from object to source."

    But remarkably, Einstein's equation
    Succeeds to describe gravitation
    As spacetime that's curved,
    And it's this that will serve
    As the planets' unique motivation.

    Yet the end of the story's not written;
    By a new way of thinking we're smitten.
    We twist and we turn,
    Attempting to learn
    The Superstring Theory of Witten!

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    From: Ted Shoemaker <shoematr@uwec.edu>
    From way down in my cranium
    This prediction I will make:
    That if you eat uranium,
    You'll get atomic ache.

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    robertk@xmission.com (robertk):
    There once was a fellow named Fisk
    Whose fencing was exceedingly brisk.
    So fast was his action
    That by the Fitzgerald Contraction
    His rapier soon was reduced to a disk.

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    From: slw1@ellis.uchicago.edu (SluT)

    There was a young fellow named Fisk
    Whose stroke was exceedingly brisk
    By relative action
    The Lorenz contraction
    Had reduced his dong to a disk.

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    From: jim.henry@ftl.mese.com (Jim Henry)

    A quantum mechanic's vacation
    Had his colleagues in dire consternation.
    For while studies had shown
    That his speed was well known,
    His position was pure speculation.

    (Not sure who wrote that one.)

    I saw an old fellow of Sirius,
    I thought I was merely delirious.
    But he ate me with zeal,
    I'm convinced he was real
    That zealous old gourmand of Sirius.

    (I wrote that one.)

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    From: Ken & Jo Walton (Magellan@kenjo.demon.co.uk)

    There was a young lady called Bright
    Who could travel much faster than light.
    She set out one day
    In a relative way
    And returned on the previous night.
           Arthur Buller  in Punch, 19 Dec. 1923

    From: Sam Hobbs <samh@gdsassoc.com>
    To her friends, that Miss Bright use to chatter,
    "I have learned something new about matter,
       My speed was so great
       That it increased my weight;
    Yet I failed to become any fatter."

       Source: A. Reginald Buller

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    From: Sam Hobbs <samh@gdsassoc.com>
    There was an old man who observed,
    "I confess I am somewhat unnerved.
       I had never before
       Seen the truth of the lore
    That, where matter is, space must be curved!

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    From: rrcraig@eos.ncsu.edu (Ralph Ray Craig)

    There was a young couple named Bright
    Whose fucking was faster than light
    They went at it one day
    In a relative way
    And came on the previous night.

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    From: robertk@xmission.com (robertk)

    There once was a fellow named Blight
    Whose speed was much faster than light.
    He sat off one day
    In a relative way
    and returned on the previous night.

    We've heard of that fellow named Blight,
    And his trip on that fabulous night,
    But his increasing mass
    Would have soon proved so vast
    He'd have been a most *singular* sight!

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    Special Category: Albert Einstein
               Relativity

    Said Einstein, "I have an equation,"
    "Which some might call Rabelaisian:"
    "Let P be viginity,"
    "Approaching infinity,"
    "And let U be a constant, persuasion."

    "Now, if P over U be inverted,"
    "And the squareroot of U be inserted,"
    "X times over P,"
    "The result, Q.E.D."
    "Is a relative."  Einstein asserted.

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    From: Sam Hobbs <samh@gdsassoc.com>
    Said a pupil of Einstein, "It's rotten
    To find I'd completely forgotten
       That by living so fast,
       All my future's my past,
    And I buried before I'm begotten.

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    Special Category: Stephen Hawking
    From: Sam Hobbs <samh@gdsassoc.com>
    Steven Hawking can prove with a plot
    Whether we will or will not
       Expand without limit
       Or end in an intimate
    Space which is all in one spot.

       Source: Larry Dahl

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    From: Colin_Douthwaite@equinox.gen.nz (Colin Douthwaite)

    Special Category: Albert Einstein
    There's a wonderful family named Stein,
    There's Ep, there's Gert, and there's Ein.
    Ep's statues are junk,
    Gert's poems are bunk,
    And nobody understands Ein.

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    Twinkle, twinkle little star,
    I don't wonder what you are
    For by the spectroscopic ken
    I know that you are hydrogen

    Big whirls have little whirls
    That feed on their velocity;
    And little whirls have lesser whirls,
    and so on to viscosity.
                      -Lewis Fry Richardson

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    From: sdnaik@iastate.edu
    Special Category: Isaac Newton
    Special Category: Albert Einstein
    Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
    God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. -- Alexander Pope
    It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
    Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. -- Sir John Collings Squire

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    When Newton saw an apple fall, he found ...
    a mode of proving that the earth turn'd round
    in a most natural whirl, called gravitation;
    and thus is the sole mortal who could grapple
    since Adam, with a fall or with an apple  -- Byron.

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    Special Category: James Clerk Maxwell
    From: wcw@math.psu.edu (William C Waterhouse)

    There's a little version of "Comin' through the rye" that James Clerk
    Maxwell wrote for a friend and that has made its way into some anthologies
    of light verse:

    (Rigid Body sings:)
       Gin a body meet a body
           Flyin' through the air,
       Gin a body hit a body,
           Will it fly? and where?

       Ilka impact has its measure,
           Ne'er a ane hae I,
       Yet a' the lads they measure me,
           Or, at least, they try.

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    From: crystalc@cpcug.digex.net (Edward Cooper)

            Possible, probable, my black hen
            She lays eggs in the relative when
            She doesn't lay eggs in the positive now
            Because she's unable to postulate how
                    - Frederick Winsor "The Space Child's Mother Goose",1958

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    From: dave.coble@equinox.org (Dave Coble)

    Her voice is so high it's absurd
    It's so shrill that you can't hear a word
      When she's something to say
      She starts running away
    So the pitch drops enough to be heard
                   -  Steve Offner
                  (written for an Omni Magazine limericks contest in 1979)

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    From: essio@cavemen.net (Steve Offner)

    I wrote and submitted the following for the same limerick contest (Omni
    Magazine, 1979), however as far as I know it has never been published:

      A black hole - a tremendous creation
      Its physics defies imagination
        Time and space it can bend
        Wow!  I can't comprehend
      The gravity of this situation

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    There once was a man who said: 'Damn!
    I can't possibly be in this tram
    For how can I know
    Both how fast that I go
    And also the place where I am.'

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    Gar manches rechnet Erwin schon
    mit seiner Wellenfunktion
    nur wissen moechte man gerne wohl
    was man sich dabei vorstell'n soll.
             From: Physics Today, 1976

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    From: schornj@way.com (jay m. schornstein)

    SPACE
    by James Wieghart
                            The Orphan Entity

    The entity, we'll call it S, differed in every way.
    While some spun left and some spun right, S would merely stay.
    S was neither left nor right nor up nor down, but rather in the middle.
    Lacking color and charm and other traits that made its neighbors notable,
    S resolved to leave this place and find a spot more suitable.
    A quiet place that a colorless, measureless waif would find hospitable.
    A spot where an entity without mass, or motion,
    would not be likely to cause commotion.
    After giving much thought to the matter, and energy too,
    S arrived at a solution which it felt would do.
    "Empty space is just the place for an orphan entity to spend
                                                      infinity," S thought.
    Alas, although the universe is far and wide, there is no empty space inside.
    So S went beyond into a black void and found.... nothing.
    "Perfect," it said, "but let there be light."

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    From: mini-AIR
    The offering by Kevin Ahern:

    A violation of Sir Isaac was found
    By Megan hurtling fast toward the ground
    She's not in smithereens
    Because on trampolines
    What goes down, must go up, then go down.

    Can be rewritten into limerick form, saving the excellent last
    line (with a minor violation in the lack of true rhyme), as:

    The laws of Sir Isaac were found
    To bring Megan so fast toward the ground
    Yet she's not smithereens
    Since on all trampolines
    What goes down, must go up, then go down.
                              --  Jay M. Pasachoff

    [Here is a limerick about I paper I submitted to "Physics Review
    E" entitled "Novel soliton solutions in Rowland ghost gaps:"]
    In a periodic grating structure,
    I claim Rowland ghosts should occur,
    They have wriggles and bumps,
    And travel over humps,
    But the reviewer has yet to concur.
            --Neil B.

    The "Novel soliton solutions in Rowland ghost gaps" is far from a
    limerick.  A corresponding limerick might read

    A grating can lead to a blur
    When its lines cause some ghosts to occur.
    I showed wriggles and bumps
    And then also some lumps,
    But reviewers have yet to concur.
                              --  Jay M. Pasachoff

    [My astronomy PhD thesis in limerick form:]
    High-velocity clouds are found,
    In disk galaxies to abound.
    And although superbubbles,
    Have given great troubles,
    The fountain model is sound.
            --Eric Schulman

    Rewriting this example, with the minor deviation in the lead-
    in that is often allowed, could give:

    High-velocity clouds can be found
    And in galaxies' disks they abound.
    Now although superbubbles
    Have given great troubles
    The model called "fountain" is sound.
                            -- Jay M. Pasachoff

    In Boulder, where often it snows,
    NIST/JILA staff got high from lows.
    A great celebration:
    at last! condensation
    according to Einstein and Bose!
         --Walter Leight

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    From: "Edward Hookway" <ehookway@hotmail.com>

                                  The Galaxy Song

    Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
    And revolving at 900 miles an hour.
    It's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned,
    The sun that is the source of all our power.
    Now the sun, and you and me, and all the stars that we can see,
    Are moving at a million miles a day,
    In the outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour,
    Of a galaxy we call the Milky Way.

    Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars;
    It's a hundred thousand light-years side to side;
    It bulges in the middle sixteen thousand light-years thick,
    But out by us it's just three thousand light-years wide.
    We're thirty thousand light-years from Galactic Central Point,
    We go 'round every two hundred million years;
    And our galaxy itself is one of millions of billions
    In this amazing and expanding universe.

    Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding,
    In all of the directions it can whiz;
    As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
    Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
    So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
    How amazingly unlikely is your birth;
    And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space,
    'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth!

    (From Monty Python's The Meaning Of Life.  Sung by Eric Idle)

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    From: Ken Smith Limerick page http://www.teleport.com/~klsmith/limerick.shtml
    Hervelius on a clear night did view
    Through the scope on a pole hanging true,
       That due to a subordinate,
       The flexture was inordinate
    And the back of his head was on view.
    (And I thought space was curved - McW)    Source: MEK

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    From: Ken Smith Limerick page http://www.teleport.com/~klsmith/limerick.shtml
    An astronomiss happily sang,
    "I've been screwed by the telescope gang,
       They all had a bit o' me,
       For I'm the epitome
    Of the grandly impressive Big Bang."
                                              Source: Isaac Asimov

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    From: Ken Smith Limerick page http://www.teleport.com/~klsmith/limerick.shtml
    From the world, his discovery brought cheers;
    From his wife, it drew nothing but tears.
       "For you see," said Ms. Halley,
       He used to come daily;
    Now it's once every 76 years!"
                                              Source: Rowdy Jack

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    From: Ken Smith Limerick page http://www.teleport.com/~klsmith/limerick.shtml
    A wonderful tube is the Hubble,
    Peering out from its space-platform bubble.
       Through billions of years,
       The telescope peers,
    Turning creationist stuff into rubble!
                                              Source: Bert

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    From: Ken Smith Limerick page http://www.teleport.com/~klsmith/limerick.shtml
    We cannot know where in the sky
    A signal is lurking, or why.
       We will search even though
       The chances are low.
    The payoff is well worth a try.

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    From: Sam Hobbs <samh@gdsassoc.com>
    Special Category: Albert Einstein
    Special Category: Arthur Eddington

      The Einstein and the Eddington

    The sun was setting on the links,
    The moon looked down serene,
    The caddies all had gone to bed,
    But still there could be seen
    Two players lingering by the trap
    That guards the thirteenth green.

    The Einstein and the Eddington
    Were counting up their score;
    The Einstein's card showed ninety-eight
    And Eddington's was more.
    And both lay bunkered in the trap
    And both stood there and swore.

    I hate to see, the Einstein said;
    Such quantities of sand;
    Just why they placed a bunker here
    I cannot understand.
    If one could smooth this landscape out,
    I think it would be grand.

    If seven maids with seven mops
    Would sweep the fairway clean
    I'm sure that I could make this hole
    In less than seventeen.
    I doubt it, said the Eddington,
    Your slice is pretty mean.

    Then all the little golf balls came
    To see what they were at,
    And some of them were tall and thin
    And some were short and fat,
    A few of them were round and smooth,
    But most of them were flat.

    The time has come, said Eddington,
    To talk of many things:
    Of cubes and clocks and meter-sticks
    And why a pendulum swings.
    And how far space is out of plumb,
    And whether time has wings.

    I learned at school the apple's fall
    To gravity was due,
    But now you tell me that the cause
    Is merely G_mu-nu,
    I cannot bring myself to think
    That this is really true.

    You say that gravitation's force
    Is clearly not a pull.
    That space is mostly emptiness,
    While time is nearly full;
    And though I hate to doubt your word,
    It sounds like a bit of bull.

    And space, it has dimensions four,
    Instead of only three.
    The square of the hypotenuse
    Ain't what it used to be.
    It grieves me sore, the things you've done
    To plane geometry.

    You hold that time is badly warped,
    That even light is bent:
    I think I get the idea there,
    If this is what you meant:
    The mail the postman brings today,
    Tomorrow will be sent.

    If I should go Timbuctoo
    With twice the speed of light,
    And leave this afternoon at four,
    I'd get back home last night.
    You've got it now, the Einstein said,
    That is precisely right.

    But if the planet Mercury
    In going round the sun,
    Never returns to where it was
    Until its course is run,
    The things we started out to do
    Were better not begun.

    And if before the past is through,
    The future intervenes;
    Then what's the use of anything;
    Of cabbages or queens?
    Pray tell me what's the bally use
    Of Presidents and Deans.

    The shortest line, Einstein replied,
    Is not the one that's straight;
    It curves around upon itself,
    Much like a figure eight,
    And if you go too rapidly
    You will arrive too late.

    But Easter day is Christmas time
    And far away is near,
    And two and two is more than four
    And over there is here.
    You may be right, said Eddington,
    It seems a trifle queer.

    But thank you very, very much,
    For troubling to explain;
    I hope you will forgive my tears,
    My head begins to pain;
    I feel the symptoms coming on
    Of softening of the brain.

    @A: W. H. Williams
    @R: ``The Einstein and the Eddington'', from G. J. Whitrow (ed.),
     _Records of R. A. S. Club 1925-1953_, p. xxiv-xxvii,
    quoted in S. Chandrasekhar, _Truth and Beauty : Aesthetics
    and Motivation in Science_, University of Chicago Press, 1987,
    p. 124-127.
    @%: Dr. Williams (who shared an office with Eddington)
    prepared this verse for a faculty club dinner on the eve of
    Eddington's departure from Berkeley in 1924
    For people who do not know their classic: This poem is based on "The Walrus
    and the Carpenter" in Lewis Carols "Through the looking-glass"

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    From: Greg Roelofs (newt@uchicago.edu)

                                Physics Theoretical
                                       BY JOHN A. BARRETT

    (This is one of Greg's favorite poems, for obvious reasons. He thinks it
    was probably first published in Physics Today sometime between 1987 and
    1991, but since he is unable to find the proper issue...oh well.)

    I've studied all the sciences in order alphabetical,
    My judgment is, which some of you may find to be heretical,
            The field that's really quite abstruse,
            The field where all the screws come loose,
    The field that's famous for its spoofs, is physics theoretical.

    I've taken undergraduate work whose content is forgettable;
    And graduate work is gen'rally regarded as regrettable.
            The lecturers are all absurd.
            A cogent word is never heard.
    Insanity afflicts a third in physics theoretical.

    We never do experiments; we shun the purely practical.
    Our best work's done in getting grants--our budgets are fantastical.
            In one respect our motive's pure:
            Though funding fails, we still endure--
    We make damn sure our job's secure in physics theoretical.

    Our scientific breakthroughs are, to say the least, debatable.
    We laugh at critics haughtily; our egos are inflatable.
            The rest of science goes along,
            Because our last defense is strong:
    It's hard to prove we're ever wrong in physics theoretical.

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    Theo Rhodes <rhodes@mithras.phys.uconn.edu>
    http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Atrium/8248/poems/poem05.html

    I wrote the first of these, about Newton's laws, during an electricity and
    magnetism lab in which we were attempting to get a scanning tunneling electron
    microscope to a) funtion and b) transfer the images it created to a normal
    format. Neither happened. We think the problem was in the tip, and didn't feel
    like waiting the extra week or two to etch a tip using acid. That's probably
    because we spent the first half of the course trying to get an Auger apparatus
    to work. It didn't. It wasn't our fault. Cursed machines.

    Newton's Laws of Motion - a Haiku Adventure
    object in motion
    unless acted on by force
    will stay in motion

    force on an object
    is equal to its mass times
    acceleration

    an object exerts
    equal force on the object
    exerting the force

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    Theo Rhodes <rhodes@mithras.phys.uconn.edu>
    http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Atrium/8248/poems/poem05.html

    The second set of these I wrote in Pittsburgh, visiting Stephanie, at her
    request. They practically wrote themselves. Maybe it was due to the Orb in the
    background, maybe it was the CHEMystery Site that I used to look up the laws of
    thermodynamics. Who knows. ("The Shadow knows! To the amp!")  Perhaps I will
    collect my incidental haikus here someday when I have nothing else to do.

    Laws of Thermodynamics - another Haiku Adventure
    temperature of A
    same as B; B same as C
    thus C equals A.
    total energy
    is equal to kinetic
    and the potential

    entropy always
    greater than or equal to
    zero in system

    a perfect crystal
    at zero degrees kelvin
    has no entropy

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                                WHY THE SKY IS BLUE
                                                    by John Ciardi

    I don't suppose you happen to know
    Why the sky is blue? It's because the snow
    Takes out the white. That leaves it clean
    For the trees and grass to take out the green.
    Then pears and bananas start to mellow,
    And bit by bit they take out the yellow.
    The sunsets, of course, take out the red
    And pour it into the ocean bed
    Or behind the mountains in the west.
    You take all that out and the rest
    Couldn't be anything else but blue.
    Look for yourself. You can see it's true.

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     APS News                                      March 1997 Edition

                       LIMERICK CONTEST FINALISTS & WINNERS

    A total of 190 limericks were received since the contest was announced in
    the December issue of APS News. Although most entrants sent in one or two
    limericks, one sent in 22 and a 'team' from Harvard sent a record
    37. Schr"dinger's cat, which was the favorite subject, has reason to feel
    paranoid; reviewers for Phys Rev came in a close second. The longest poem,
    a finalist, had 13 limerick-form stanzas.

    A note on the selection process: The editor collected opinions from members
    of the March and April meeting program committees, APS visitors and staff
    members. They had diverse tastes, to say the least, and many limericks not
    included among the finalists below had ardent admirers. The final selection
    was mine (as is the blame for most of the titles). Some are acknowledged
    'groaners' - but punsters have to live too; some don't scan so well, but
    had other redeeming qualities. As promised, each author will receive a
    dunking bird; the winners will receive a flock (3). Most submissions
    (except for a few) may be viewed on the APS website at:
    http://www.aps.org/apsnews/limericks.html. Enjoy.

    Barrie Ripin, APS News Editor

                                     CLASSICAL
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

              Doin' its own Thing
               by Edward H. Green

    The first law of Newton I sing
    My voice has a relevant ring:
    "An object left free
    Of hassles will be
    Engrossed in just doing its thing."

           May the Force Be With You
    by David Morin, Eric Zaslow, E'beth Haley, John Golden, and Nathan Salwen

    On a merry-go-round in the night,
    Coriolis was shaken with fright.
    Despite how he walked,
    'Twas like he was stalked,
    By some fiend always pushing him right.

      [WINNER!]Condensed Story of Ms Farad
                by A. P. French

    Miss Farad was pretty and sensual
    And charged to a reckless potential;
    But a rascal named Ohm
    Conducted her home -
    Her decline was, alas, exponential.

         Wish I Were a Fly on the Wall
               by Robert D. Cowan

    There once was a fly on the wall
    I wonder why didn't it fall
    Because its feet stuck
    Or was it just luck
    Or does gravity miss things so small?

           A Brief History of Gravity
                by Bruce Elliot

    It filled Galileo with mirth
    To watch his two rocks fall to Earth.
    He gladly proclaimed,
    "Their rates are the same,
    And quite independent of girth!"

    Then Newton announced in due course
    His own law of gravity's force:
    "It goes, I declare,
    As the inverted square
    Of the distance from object to source."

    But remarkably, Einstein's equation
    Succeeds to describe gravitation
    As spacetime that's curved,
    And it's this that will serve
    As the planets' unique motivation.

    Yet the end of the story's not written;
    By a new way of thinking we're smitten.
    We twist and we turn,
    Attempting to learn
    The Superstring Theory of Witten!

    Special Category: Galileo Galilei
      Limerico di Galileo© [13 stanzas]
              by Martin J. Murphy

    While watching a cannonball's motion,
    Galileo conceived of the notion
    That natural laws,
    Not a mystical Cause,
    Ruled the physical world's locomotion.

    Though its own view was mostly confused,
    The Church was not greatly amused
    With this flaunting of Deo
    By old Galileo
    And ordered it quickly defused.

    So the Pope sent some priests who inquired
    If it wouldn't be best he retired?
    "Undoubtedly you know
    What we did for Bruno;
    Do you also wish to be fired?"

    He asked an old Cardina;'s opinion:
    "Pray tell me, Your Grace, if you will then,
    Does this mean what I think?
    That henceforth I must shrink
    From discussing my clever perception?"

    Said Bellarmine, "No, it is not a ban;
    If you want to keep teaching of course you can.
    They merely have said
    To take care where you tread
    And smile when you say thing Copernican."

    Unbeknownst to our venerable dissident
    The records said something quite different.
    When the Pope saw the note
    The inquisitors wrote
    He lost what remained of his temperament.

    The message the Vatican sent
    Was blunt in its stated intent
    "Recant all this heresy
    Quick or we'll harass thee,
    Now until your life has been spent."

    In facing the dread inquisition,
    Few men could defend their position;
    So it shouldn't surprise
    When we are apprised
    Of old Galileo's decision.

    "Explaining celestial motion
    Needs more than just faith and devotion.
    But to save my poor head
    I'll recant what I've said
    (Though I'll secretly keep to my notion)".

    So our friend the illustrious Florentine
    Spent his last years in Vatican quarantine,
    Locked up in his home
    By the prelates of Rome
    For being a cosmical libertine.

    The Church caused a major imbroglio
    By correcting Copernicus' folio
    Yet it couldn't discern
    The abuse it would earn
    In forbidding the whole Dialogo?

    By killing Sidereus Nuncius
    For the news that their views were defunctus,
    The renaissance ended
    And darkness descended
    Upon the Dominican dunces.

    In spite of the Vatican's dissuasion
    Galileo still rose to the occasion.
    Though once deemed heretical,
    He proved more prophetical
    Than those of a clerical persuasion.

                Cole's Lost Soul
                by A. P. French

    There was a young fellow named Cole
    Who ventured too near a black hole.
    His dv by dt
    Was quite wondrous to see
    But now all that's left is his soul.

              On Liquor Production
               by David M. Smith

    A friend who's in liquor production
    Owns a still of astounding construction.
    The alcohol boils
    Through old magnet coils;
    She says that it's "proof by induction."

                Goodnight Irene
     Author unknown, submitted by Ken Kiger

    There once was a girl named Irene,
    who lived on distilled erosene.
    But she started absorbin'
    A new hydrocarbon,
    And since then has never benzene!

                Cool Cruel Test
             by Kay R. Devicci©

    The thermo exam was quite near-o,
    And he thought everything was quite clear-o;
    "Why study this junk
    I'm sure I won't flunk,"
    But they gave him an Absolute Zero.

                                      Modern
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      The Bose-Einstein Story (Condensed)
             by Jonathan P. Dowling

    A couple of young guys in Boulder,
    Cooled their gas cloud down colder and colder.
    Then with much exhortation,
    They hit Bose Condensation,
    And beat out their rivals (much older).

             Relatively Good Advice
               by Edward H. Green

    Dear S': I note with distress
    The length of your yardstick is less
    And please wind your clock
    To make it tick-tock
    More briskly. Your faithful friend, S.

                  Proton Decay
               by David Halliday

    A proton once said, "I'll fulfill
    My long-term belief in free will.
    Though theorists (may) say
    That I ought to decay
    I'm damned if I think that I will."

          And Then There Were Photons
               by William Rolnick

    An electron, while trav'ling in space,
    Met a positron there "face-to-face."
    The electron then sighed,
    At the sight of his bride
    And they "died" in a loving embrace.

     [WINNER!]Einstein, Podolsky and Rosen
               by David Halliday

    Two photons, close-coupled at start,
    Flew several parsecs apart.
    Said one, in distress,
    "What you're forced to express
    Removes any choice on my part."

                Fussy Electrons
    by David Morin, Eric Zaslow, E'beth Haley, John Golden, and Nathan Salwen

    An electron is sure hard to please.
    When spread out, it sometimes will freeze.
    Though agoraphobic,
    It's still claustrophobic,
    And runs off when put in a squeeze.

              The Cat in the Tree
                 by Peter Price

    Another great Dane has made free
    With a question of Be or Not be.
    Now might Schroedinger's puss,
    In descending by Schuss,
    Leave one track on each side of a tree?

        Protecting Schrödinger's Cat
              by Devlin Gualtieri

    PETA was out in full force,
    But not for a dog or a horse.
    At Schroedinger's place
    They pleaded their case
    For the sake of his cat, of course

                                     Classical
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

        Desperately Surfing for Science
    by David Morin, Eric Zaslow, E'beth Haley, John Golden, and Nathan Salwen

    Who needs the balance and check?
    Screw peer review -what the heck!
    Send all of your crap
    To the internet -zap!
    Who cares if it's nothing but dreck!

        [WINNER!]On What's New and True
                 author unknown

    A certain Phys Rev referee
    Considers all papers with glee:
    "What's new is not true,
    And what's true is not new,
    Unless it was written by me."
    [Editor's Note: Several variants on this theme were submitted.]

       The Past Isn't What it Used To Be
                by Bruce Elliott

    A professor of Physics named May
    Complains of the classroom today,
    "The problem, you know,
    Is that they're too slow.
    We were far better students than they."

    His friend, a professor named Beecham,
    Said "It's true, you don't seem to reach 'em.
    But they're not to blame,
    For they haven't the same
    Class of teachers that we had, to teach 'em!"

                See You at Work
                by Steve Langer

    The chairman of AT&T
    Said, "Your graduate physics degree
    Is not worth a - penny,
    Of your kind we've too many.
    Perhaps you can program in C?"

                   Great Lies
                by Beall Flower

    There are several Great Lies that we know.
    One is "I'll love you tomorrow."
    Here's another false word
    That we've recently heard,
    "With less money your research will grow!"

           Quark-Dork Symmetry Group
             by Kay R. Devicci©

    When we physicists talk about quarks,
    And "sleptons," "sneutronos," and "squarks,"
    We shouldn't be stunned
    When the Congress won't fund
    Our big projects - they think that we're dorks!

           A Physicist from Nantucket
             by Michael Van Leeuwen

    There once was a man from Nantucket
    Who...
    ...oops...just got a life.

      ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Copyright 1997, The American Physical Society.
    The APS encourages the redistribution of the materials included in this
    newsletter provided that attribution to the source is noted and the
    materials are not truncated or changed.

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    From: Erik Nelson <rknlsn@tiac.net>

    Here is something I found that you should know about if you don't
    already, which I found in an anthology of nonsense verse.

    Where can I find "real" literature discussing the same thing,
    seeing as how this verse is apparently an effort to paraphrase something
    someone studied in a real math and-or physics course, but I do not know
    how to make sense of it.  Does anyone know who the Dr. Ball is, who is
    mentioned in the last verse? If you know the answer to these questions,
    please e-mail me:  rknlsn@tiac.net   (Erik Nelson)

    from "A Nonsense Anthology", Collected by Carolyn Wells.
    Dover, 1958  reprint of first edition published by Scribner in 1902.
    Page 33.

    Song of the Screw

    A moving form or rigid mass,
    Under whate'er conditions
    Along successive screws must pass
    Between each two positions.
    It turns around and slides along--
    This is the burden of my song.

    The pitch of screw, if multiplied
         By angle of rotation,
    Will give the distance it must glide
         In motion of translation.
    Infinite pitch means pure translation,
    And zero pitch means pure rotation.

    Two motions on two given screws,
         With amplitudes at pleasure,
    Into a third screw-motion fuse;
         Whose amplitude we measure
    By parallelogram construction
    (A very obvious deduction.)

    Its axis cuts the nodal line
        Which to both screws is normal,
    And generates a form divine,
        Whose name, in language formal,
    Is "surface-ruled of third degree."
    Cylindroid is the name for me.

    Rotation round a given line
        Is like a force along.
    If to say couple you incline,
        You're clearly in the wrong.
    'T is obvious, upon reflection,
    A line is not a mere direction.

    So couples with translations too
         In all respects agree;
    And thus there centres in the screw
         A wondrous harmony
    Of Kinematics and of statics,--
    The sweetest thing in mathematics.

    The forces on one given screw,
         With motion on a second,
    In general some work will do,
         Whose magnitude is reckoned
    By angle, force and what we call
    The coefficent virtual.

    Rotation now to force convert,
         And force into rotation;
    Unchanged the work, we can assert,
         In spite of transformation.
    And if two screws no work can claim,
    Reciprocal will be their name.

    Five numbers will a screw define,
         A screwing motion, six;
    For four will give the axial line,
         One more the pitch will fix;
    And hence we always can contrive
    One screw reciprocal to five.

    Screws-- two, three, or four combined
         (No question here of six),
    Yield other screws which are combined
         Within one screw complex.
    Thus we obtain the clearest notion
    Of freedom and constraint of motion.

    In complex III., three several screws
         At every point you find,
    Or if you one direction choose,
         One screw is to your mind;
    And complexes of order III.
    Their own reciprocals may be.

    In IV., wherever you arrive,
         You find of screws a cone,
    On every line in complex V.
         There is precisely one;
    At each point of this complex rich,
    A plane of screws have given pitch.

    But time would fail me to discourse
         Of Order and Degree;
    Of Impulse, Energy and Force,
         And Reciprocity.
    All these and more, for motions small,
    Have been discussed by Dr. Ball.

               --Anonymous.

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    From: "Kerry L. Opel" <kopel@dragonbbs.com>
    Star light, star bright
    First star I see tonight
    I wish I may, I wish I might.
    Aw shit
    It's just a satelite

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    From: J. Richard Jacobs (On the Science Jokes mailing list:
    http://www.egroups.com/group/sciencejokes
    There once was a species named Sapiens.
    They lived on a planet called Earth.
    Along came a body uncatalogued;
    Now nothing remains but the dirt.

    J. Richard "Dr. Doom" Jacobs

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                Neutrinos
                      by John Updike

    Neutrinos: they are very small
    They have no charge; they have no mass;
    they do not interact at all.
    The Earth is just a silly ball
    to them, through which they simply pass
    like dustmaids down a drafty hall
    or photons through a sheet of glass.
    They snub the most exquisite gas,
    ignore the most substantial wall,
    cold shoulder steel and sounding brass,
    insult the stallion in his stall,
    and, scorning barriers of class,
    infiltrate you and me. Like tall
    and painless guillotines they fall
    down through our heads into the grass.
    At night, they enter at Nepal
    and pierce the lover and his lass
    from underneath the bed. You call
    it wonderful; I call it crass.

    John Updike, in: From Telephones Poles and other Poems

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    Special Category: Erwin Schrödinger
    Special Category: Albert Einstein

    From: "Douglas Woolley" <dawool@directvinternet.com>

    Schroedinger, Erwin! Professor of physics!
    Wrote daring equations! Confounded his critics!
    (Not bad, eh? Don't worry. This part of the verse
    Starts off pretty good, but it gets a lot worse.)
    Win saw that the theory that Newton'd invented
    By Einstein's discov'ries had been badly dented.
    What now? wailed his colleagues. Said Erwin, "Don't
    panic,
    No grease monkey I, but a quantum mechanic.
    Consider electrons. Now, these teeny articles
    Are sometimes like waves, and then sometimes like
    particles.
    If that's not confusing, the nuclear dance
    Of electrons and suchlike is governed by chance!
    No sweat, though--my theory permits us to judge
    Where some of 'em is and the rest of 'em was."
    Not everyone bought this. It threatened to wreck
    The comforting linkage of cause and effect.
    E'en Einstein had doubts, and so Schroedinger tried
    To tell him what quantum mechanics implied.
    Said Win to Al, "Brother, suppose we've a cat,
    And inside a tube we have put that cat at--
    Along with a solitaire deck and some Fritos,
    A bottle of Night Train, a couple mosquitoes
    (Or something else rhyming) and, oh, if you got 'em,
    One vial prussic acid, one decaying ottom
    Or atom--whatever--but when it emits,
    A trigger device blasts the vial into bits
    Which snuffs our poor kitty. The odds of this crime
    Are 50 to 50 per hour each time.
    The cylinder's sealed. The hour's passed away. Is
    Our pussy still purring--or pushing up daisies?
    Now, you'd say the cat either lives or it don't
    But quantum mechanics is stubborn and won't.
    Statistically speaking, the cat (goes the joke),
    Is half a cat breathing and half a cat croaked.
    To some this may seem a ridiculous split,
    But quantum mechanics must answer, "Tough @#&!
    We may not know much, but one thing's fo' sho':
    There's things in the cosmos that we cannot know.
    Shine light on electrons--you'll cause them to swerve.
    The act of observing disturbs the observed--
    Which ruins your test. But then if there's no testing
    To see if a particle's moving or resting
    Why try to conjecture? Pure useless endeavor!
    We know probability--certainty, never.'
    The effect of this notion? I very much fear
    'Twill make doubtful all things that were formerly
    clear.
    Till soon the cat doctors will say in reports,
    "We've just flipped a coin and we've learned he's a
    corpse."'
    So saith Herr Erwin. Quoth Albert, "You're nuts.
    God doesn't play dice with the universe, putz.
    I'll prove it!" he said, and the Lord knows he tried--
    In vain--until fin'ly he more or less died.
    Win spoke at the funeral: "Listen, dear friends,
    Sweet Al was my buddy. I must make amends.
    Though he doubted my theory, I'll say of this saint:
    Ten-to-one he's in heaven--but five bucks says he
    ain't."
                    -- Cecil Adams

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    From: Janis Knox <jknox@pacbell.net>
    Here is one that I wrote for children but it seemed to fit in.

    Janis Knox.  Astronomy student.

                            Gravity and Other Theories

    Gravity is so predictable
    We understand just what it does
    It makes the meteors fall from space
    And keeps the oceans in their place.
    But what great power stops the moon
    From hitting earth today at noon?
    And what is it that keeps the sun
    From making all the planets one?
    They simply play the spinning game
    "Centrifugal" is this force’s name.
    It keeps the planets in their place
    And all the galaxies in space.
    Unless they meet a big black hole
    Then they can’t resist its pull
    They augur in with just a whimper
    And then they are a whole lot denser.

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    Special Category: Max Born
    From: Sabine Grossmann <grossmann.sabine@web.de>

    to smash a little atom
    all mankind was intend
    now every day
    the atom may
    return the compliment

    there is also a german version:

    Zu sprengen den Atomkern
    die Menschheit war erpicht
    nun jeden Tag
    erwidern mag
    den Scherz der kleine Wicht

    By Max Born.

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    Special Category: Isaac Newton

    From: PopiTart@aol.com

    If ever man fulfilled his quest,
    Then surely Newton passed the test:
    Figs that are high
    Toward the ground tend to fly,
    And objects at rest stay at rest.

    -Emily Porter

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    Special Category: Jean le Rond d'Alembert
    Special Category: Archimedes
    Special Category: Nicolaus Copernicus
    Special Category: Ptolemy
    Special Category: Johannes Kepler
    Special Category: Galileo Galilei
    Special Category: Isaac Newton
    Special Category: René Descartes
    Special Category: Leonhard Euler

    From: Joachim Verhagen
                          The Astronomer's Drinking Song

    "Whoe'er would search the starry sky,
      Its secrets to devine, sir,
    Should take his glass - I mean, should try
      A glass or tow of wine, sir!
    True virtue lies in golden mean,
      and man must wet his clay, sir;
    Join these two maxims, and 'tis seen
      He should drink his bottle a day, sir!

    "Old Archimedes, reverend sage!
      By trump of fame renowed, sir,
    Deep problems solved in every page,
      And the sphere's curved surface found, sir:
    Himself he would have far outshone,
      And borne a wider sway, sir,
    Had he our modern secret known,
      And drank a bottle a day, sir!

    "When Ptolemy, now long ago,
      Believed the earth stood still, sir,
    He never would have blundered so,
      Had he but drunk his fill, sir.
    He'd then have felt it circulate,
      And would have learnt to say, sir,
    The true way to investigate
      Is to drink your bottle a day, sir!

    "Copernicus, that learned wight,
      The glory of his nation,
    With draughts of wine refreshed his sight,
      And saw the earths's rotation;
    Each planet then its orb described,
      The moon got under way, sir;
    These truths from nature he imbibed
      For he drank his bottle a day, sir!

    "The noble Tycho placed the stars,
      Each in his due location;
    He lost his nose(1) by spite of Mars,
      But that was no privation:
    Had he but lost his mouth, I grant
      He would have felt dismay, sir,
    Bless you! *he* knew what he should want
      To drink his bottle a day, sir!

    "Cold water makes no lucky hits;
      On mysteries the head runs:
    Small drink let Kepler time his wits
      On the regular polyhedrons:
    He took to wine, and it changed the chime,
      His genius swept away, sir,
    Through area varying at the time
      At the rate of a bottle a day, sir!

    "Poor Galileo, forced to rat
      Before the inquisition,
    *E pur si muove* was the pat
      He gave them in addition:
    He meant, whate'er you think you prove,
      the earth must go its way, sirs;
    Spite of your teeth I'll make it move
      For I'll drink my bottle a day, sirs!

    "Great Newton, who was never beat
      Whatever fools may think, sir;
    Though sometimes he forgot to eat,
      He never forgot to drink, sir;
    Descartes(2) took nought but lemonade,
      To conquer him was play, sir;
    The first advance that Newton made
      Was to drink his bottle a day, sir!

    "D'Alembert, Euler and Clairaut,
      Though they increased our store, sir,
    Much further had been seen to go
      Had they tippled a little more, sir!
    Lagrange gets mellow with Laplace,
      And both are wont to say, sir!
    The *philosophe* who's not an ass
      Will drink his bottle a day, sir!

    "Astronomers! What can avail
      Those who calumniate us;
    Experiment can never fail
      With such an apparatus:
    Let him who'd have his merits known
      Remember what I say, sir;
    Fair science shines on him alone
      Who drinks his bottle a day, sir!

    "How light we reck of those who mock
      By this we'll make him appear,s ir,
    We'll dine by the sidereal clock
      For one more bottle a year, sir:
    But choose which pendulum you will, sir,
    Unless you drink - and drink your fill, -
      At least a bottle a day, sir!"

    (Sung by the Mathematical Society of Londen)

    (1)Tycho lost his nose in a duel with Maderupius Pasbergius.  A
    comtemporary, T. B. Laurus, insinuates that they fought to settle which was
    the best mathematician!  The seems odd, but it must be remembered that they
    fought in the dark, "in tenebris densis"; and it is a nice problem to shave
    off a nose in the dark, without any other harm.

    (2)As great a lie as ever was told: but in 1800 a compliment to Newton
    without a fling at Descartes would have been held a lopsided structure.

    Source: Augustus De Morgan (1806-1871), The Budget of Paradoxes, 1872 In
    in J. R. Newman(ed.) The World of Mathematics

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    From: Frodo Morris
    The Grand ol' Duke of York, he had ten thousand men;
    He marched 'em up to the top of the hill
    And he marched 'em down again.
    And when they were up they were |up>,
    And when they were down they were |down>;
    And when they were only halfway up
    They were in a linear superposition of |up> and |down> eigenstates.

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    From Randall Wall http://www.plasticsurgerydr.com/rrel.html
              Haiku about Relativity
               by Randall Wall

    One time, I was at
    A forum, and I started
    A thread 'bout haiku.

    After a few posts,
    Someone said that haiku must
    Be about nature.

    I replied, saying
    I liked science, not nature.
    That was my topic.

    I wrote some short ones.
    About evolution and
    The Big Bang theory.

    But I wanted more.
    I thought back to a website
    That I once had seen:

    "Relativity
    Explained using words of just
    Four letters or less."

    (Of course, on the page,
    They did not use a haiku.
    I just did that here.

    If it would please you,
    You may see this page yourself
    The link is right here.)

    Anyway, I thought,
    If they could use just short words,
    Haiku was easy.

    So, I sat down and
    Wrote the following poem
    I hope you like it:

    Relativity.
    Hard to explain in haiku.
    But I think I'll try.

    First, there's "special;" it
    Has no acceleration
    Only about speed.

    For all observers
    Who do not accelerate.
    Physics is the same.

    Imagine two guys
    Floating out in open space.
    They're named Al and Bert.

    If they move apart
    Does Al move, or is it Bert?
    There's no way to tell.

    But what about light?
    Al could take a lamp with him
    And then turn it on.

    Light travels at c.
    Al can compare self to light
    To find his speed, right?

    Nope, that would not work.
    Light always travels at c.
    For all observers.

    How does this matter?
    This fact changes many things.
    Here's an example:

    We have a train car.
    Two leaders at front and back
    Plus there's a table.

    Leaders just fought war.
    Now, they want to sign treaty
    At exact same time.

    So, here's what they do:
    They put light bulb on table
    Half-way in between.

    When they see the light
    Then they will sign the treaty.
    Will be the same time?

    An observer on
    The car would say both leaders
    Signed at the same time.

    "The light left the bulb,
    Traveled exact same distance
    Reached ends at same time."

    But, an observer
    Sitting beside the train tracks
    Would not think the same.

    "After light turned on
    The train was still moving fast
    Distances were changed.

    The leader in back
    Moved closer to where bulb was
    He saw the light first."

    So, which one is right?
    The answer is both of them.
    Not intuitive.

    So, time's relative.
    It moves differently for some
    Than does for others.

    Also, without time
    Length and mass are relative
    Only c's constant.

    That was the "special"
    Type of relativity
    Now, for "general."

    So, you cannot say
    Whether or not you're moving.
    But that isn't all.

    You also can't speak
    About acceleration.
    Why? Let me explain.

    To put it simply:
    Gravity accelerates
    Just like space ships do.

    More complicated:
    Imagine a fast space ship
    With you inside it.

    You feel a pull
    Towards the bottom of your ship
    Just like gravity.

    What's making this pull?
    It is the whole universe.
    As it goes past you.

    Same with centrifuge:
    The whole universe revolves
    Around the sample tube.

    Neither you nor tube
    Can say if they are moving
    Or the universe.

    When you are moving
    Space-time gets "warped" around you
    Warping makes the pull.

    Same with gravity.
    A large mass will warp space-time.
    And create a pull.

    "What is this 'space-time'?"
    It is hard to understand.
    I'll try to explain.

    Usually, when
    Things travel, they move in a
    Perfectly straight line.

    However, mass or
    Acceleration can cause
    A straight line to bend.

    If you travel near
    A large mass, you'll see your ship
    Won't move in a line

    Rather, it will curve
    Around the large mass. This is
    Because space-time bent.

    In three dimensions
    Your ship traveled in a curve
    But not in space-time.

    In four dimensions,
    Your ship took the shortest path
    That space-time allowed.

    This is how orbits
    Work; we're just moving through a
    Bent-up space-time field.

    Of course, there are some
    Other cool effects of this:
    Black holes, time travel.

    But I will leave those
    For a second discussion
    I'll have an encore!

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    From: phil <philbo@cix.co.uk>
    "Windmills of your Mind" Originally by Dusty Springfield

    "N-Dimensional Space" Parody by Phil Alexander

    This is to anyone who ever tried to study quantum physics or superstring
    theory...

    Flat

    Like an angle in a triangle
    A plane upon a plane
    Euclidian geometry's
    Not too hard to explain
    Like a snowball down a mountain
    Or a path upon a sphere
    Once you hit that third dimension
    It all becomes less clear
    Like a tiny 1-D superstring
    That's infinitely small
    It exists in ten dimensions,
    Or is it really there at all?
    These are problems that you face
    When pondering n-dimensional space

    Like a tesseract unfolding
    As from nowhere it has grown
    We see it coming from a fourth
    Dimension of its own
    Like a door that keeps revolving
    Pushed by Schroedinger's dead cat
    Just which three of the ten
    Dimensions are we looking at?
    Like a theory mutated
    On a plane that's rearranged
    And topology that's twisted
    'Till reality has changed
    Can mathematics keep apace
    With changing N-dimensional space?

    Sets that hold dimensions
    Whose dimensions set the sets
    If you understand recursion
    That's as complex as it gets
    Things that by their interactions
    And their intersects defined

    Does the logical conclusion cause
    Implosion of the mind?
    Pictures like they were by Dali
    Looking really, very odd
    In the depths of quantum physics
    Do we see the face of God?
    When you knew exams were over
    Were you suddenly aware
    That what you wrote was rubbish
    But now you really couldn't care...

    Like a one-dimensional ribbon
    Like a thread around a thread
    Superstring theory turns
    The world upon its head
    And it shows a certain grace
    Electro-microscopic lace
    In N-Dimensional space

    If you enjoyed this parody, please vote for it here:

    http://www.amiright.com/parody/60s/dustyspringfield4.shtml

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    From: Tuomo Kalliokoski <tuokall@cc.jyu.fi>

             Life and Quarks
           By Tuomo Kalliokoski

    There are ups and downs in life.
    Sometimes it's even strange and it can be charming.
    One should never forget the bottom line: Beauty of physics.
    Which is the truth at the top.

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    From: Rakesh_Nandakumar@Dell.com

        The black hole
                  By Rakesh Nadakumar

    He has lived a long long life
    Full of zest and showering light
    And now its time for him to leave
    To crumble into his own self

    As a good samaritan he had lived
    All for others all for good
    Now as he falls the eyes glow red
    Volts of might enter his blood

    He turns as black as black can get
    The heresy of the dark sucker is set
    At the heart of the world he sits
    Ready to sever the naive to bits

    Feasted on many the sucker has
    His hunger for more will never die
    Not even to the lightest of the light
    Will he stop showing his might

    What of his prey noone knows
    In another world they may raise their woes
    Will we meet them in some future spell
    Only the sands of time will tell

    Rakesh

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 2. physics - general
- 2.1 physics poetry
- 2.2 physics quotes
- 2.3 physics puns
- 2.4 pseudo physics (cat physics, cartoon physics)
- 2.5 new physical theories
- 2.6 learning physics
- 2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots)
- 2.8 physical proofs
- 2.9 physical one-liners
- 2.10 quantum mechanics (starring Schroedingers cat!)
- 2.11 relativity
- 2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer
- 2.13 physicists
- 2.14 astronomy
- 2.15 electrons
- 2.16 electro-magnetism and light
- 2.17 Newtons's laws and classical dynamics
- 2.18 thermodynamics
- 2.19 in the lab
- 2.20 strange but real findings
- 2.21 the buttered bread on cat problem

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