## 5. EARTH SCIENCES

#### Subsections

- 5. earth sciences - general
- 5.1 geology
- 5.2 meteorology

### 5.1 GEOLOGY

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

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    From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)
    Special Category: Old scientists never die...

    OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize

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    From: Philip Clarke <clar0318@flinders.edu.au>
    Thanks everyone for your help on our tunnelling break-through t-shirt
    slogan

    Here are the results:

    1. Geology: where subduction always leads to orogeny!
    2. Shear Heaven
    3. Hit and Miss - Shear Bliss
    4. What a lode off my mind
    5. What the hell do we do now?
    6. Holy Schist, Batman...We made it!
    7. What a lode of fuchsite
    8. We Dig Mother Earth
    9. My Psychologist told me that every decline is a great Break Through
    10. Banbrytande genombrott
    11. Banbrytande genombrott utan avbrott
    12. Banbrytarna avbryter (inte?) f=F6r ett genombrott
    13. Go, Goare, Bananbrytarna
    14. Genom berg och =F6ver kablar, Tord han skriker sablar
    15. Det s=E4ger pang om du k=F6r =F6ver en slang
    16. Grabben a dike by the cleavage!
    17. I'm a geologist and I'm hung like a horst
    18. I -WAS- working damit !!, I've been TUMBLING and MIMING, all day
         and  THEY said I was goofing off !
    19. Geologists make the bed rock
    20. Cummingtonite?
    21. Which bed are you in?
    22. Geologists make the bed rock
    23. I am a down to "earth" person
    24. Follow me, I am looking for gold
    25. Lost a rock ? I will find it for you
    26. I can guess how old the earth is, but still an amateur in guessing
    the age of a women
    27. Wish the earth's inventor left the specs behind
    28. Geologist drill at home and at work
    29. Kiss a geologist: get your rocks off!
    30. Geologists probe crevaces
    31. Geologists get their Rocks Off
    32. Mom Loves Geologists
    33. Geologists know their plagioclase feldspar
    34. Geologists do it in the dirt
    35. Try a Geologist for a Volcanic Eruption
    36. Thank God! That light WASN'T a train

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    From: Philip Clarke <clar0318@flinders.edu.au>
    Geologists probe crevaces
    Geologists get their Rocks Off
    Mom Loves Geologists
    Geologists know their plagioclase feldspar
    Geologists do it in the dirt
    Try a Geologist for a Volcanic Eruption
    I'm a geologist and I'm hung like a horst.
    Geological sexual harassment: Grabben a dike by the cleavage!

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    From: Philip Clarke <clar0318@flinders.edu.au>
    Kiss a geologist and feel the earthquake.

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    From: Philip Clarke <clar0318@flinders.edu.au>
    My sister is marrying a Geologist, and jokes would be appreciated.

    You should take her aside and warn her that
    "Geologists have their faults".

    You could warn her that "The more you try to be gneiss, the more you
    get taken for granite"

    >>Schist happens.
    >>Tell her to have a gneiss day.
    >>Whatever you do, don't take him for granite.
    >>And lastly, may the quartz be with you!
    >
    >I've lost my apatite.
    >
    I stole this one off a tee-shirt from a guy I went through
    field camp with (it's been my .sig for about a year and a half
    now :-) :

    And let her not forget on her wedding night that geologists' make the
    bedrock!
    That intrusion in his pants is a batholith

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    From: Frank Maxey <76373.1101@CompuServe.COM>
    Does an excellent student of vulcanology graduate magma cum
    laude?

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    From: Philip Clarke <clar0318@flinders.edu.au>
    A man goes into a restaruant, sits down and starts reading the menu.  The menu
    says:
    Broiled Accountant  $5.95 per plate
    Fried Engineer      $7.95 per plate
    Toasted Teacher     $7.95 per plate
    Grilled Geologist   $25.95 per plate

    The man calls a waiter over and asks "Hey, why does the Grilled Geologist cost
    so much more?"

    The waiter says, " Are you kidding? Do you know how hard it is
    to clean one of them?!?!"

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    Is that a belemnite in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

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    From: Philip Clarke <clar0318@flinders.edu.au>
    Folds, thrusts, and overturned beds are
    all common in zones of orogeny

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    From:   Keith Morrison <keithm@polarnet.ca>
    So I was standing in the library discussing cleavage with a female
    colleague when the topic of intrusive dikes comes up.  She said
    that the dikes she knew of were often associated with thrusting
    movements in a bed.  I said that I usually didn't associate dikes
    with any sort of thrusting, but then you never know what can happen
    when a dike was in an orogenous zone.

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    From: Philip Clarke <clar0318@flinders.edu.au>
    Never lend a geologist money.  They consider a million years ago
    to be Recent.

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    From: Philip Clarke <clar0318@flinders.edu.au>
    Q:How does a geologist get his rocks off?
    A:With a hammer and chisel.

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    From: Philip Clarke <clar0318@flinders.edu.au>
    avalance....a mountain getting it's rocks off.

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    From: Keith Morrison <keithm@polarnet.ca>, dstierm@geology.utoledo.edu
    (Donald Stierman)
    A geologist is the only person who can can talk to a woman and use the
    words "dike" "thrust" "bed" "orogeny" "cleavage" and "subduction" in the
    same sentence without facing a civil suit.

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    From:   Paul Armitage <paul@darwin.ibg.uit.no>
    Q: How fast do fault blocks move?
    A: A mile a night

chemistry
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    From:   Glen Gardner <ggardner@oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu>
    Q:  What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist?
    A: A chemist will drink anything that is distilled.
        A geologist will drink anything that is fermented....

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    From: Geojoe <geojoe@ludin.com.au> wrote:
    Q: Why did the fold get arrested???
    A: He was caught rolling a joint!!!

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    From:   Roman G. Lahodynsky <r.lahodynsky@magnet.at>
    Q: What is the difference between a geologist and a theologian?
    A : There is none. They themselves have neither been below nor above.

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    From: "Tedd F. Sperling" <tedd@sperling.com>
    Here's an old joke that some may appreciate.

    |--------------|--------------|
    |              |              |
    |       |      |              |
    |      -O-     |       @      |
    |       |      |              |
    |              |              |
    |--------------|--------------|

    Given the above, namely a dry well on the left and a producing well on
    the right, the following are the interpretations from some petroleum
    professions.

    The interpretation of:

    a) The Petroleum Engineer:

    |--------------|--------------|
    |              |              |
    |       |      |              |
    |      -O-     |      (@)     |
    |       |      |              |
    |              |              |
    |--------------|--------------|

    b) The Landman:

    |--------------|--------------|
    |              |//////////////|
    |       |      |//////////////|
    |      -O-     |///////@//////|
    |       |      |//////////////|
    |              |//////////////|
    |--------------|--------------|

    c) The Geologist:

    |--------------|--------------|
    |              |   .------.   |
    |       |      |  //////\\\\  |
    |      -O-     | (|||||@||||) |
    |       |      |  \\\\\/////  |
    |              |   '------'   |
    |--------------|--------------|

    d) The Geophysicist:

    |--------------|--------------|
    |   .------.   |              |
    |  /////|\\\\  |              |
    | (||||-O-|||) |       @      |
    |  \\\\\|////  |              |
    |   '------'   |              |
    |--------------|--------------|

    Explanation:
    The point of my joke, was that everyone had their own interpretation of the
    producing well and the dry hole. Also, everyone was right, except for the
    Geophysicist.

    You see, being a Geophysicist, I can poke fun at my profession. Which is
    something that is normally not in character for most Geophysicists. An
    ironic double pun as one might observe. But then again, maybe not.

    Tedd

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    From: "wbrownlee" <xenoxyst@worldnet.att.net>

    |
    |>     Thrust fault
    |
    |>
    |

    |
    |
    |
    |D     Normal fault
    |
    |

          I
        -O-      Engineer's fault
          I

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    Overseas Airlines: Now price reduction due to plate tectonics:
                               ._,             ,
                         ___   |_     _. _ ._ -+-
                               ._)   (_.(/,[ ) |

    -- Sydney Harris Cartoon

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    From: "tone" <tonyf@netspace.net.au>
    "Reunite Gondwanaland"
    was the Bendigo CAE T-shirt logo for a number of years -late 70's-early
    80's.

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    From: miklwillms@aol.com (Michael Williams)

    "STOP PLATE TECTONICS".

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    From:         patrick Murphy <patrick@kaos.es>
    STOP CONTINENTAL DRIFT !!

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    From:         StonyMeteor <nospam@geoserver1.aau.dk>
    Geologists make the bed rock.

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    From:         StonyMeteor <nospam@geoserver1.aau.dk>
    I'm into "hard rock

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    From: Chris Morton   (mortoncp@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu)
    do it collection

    From: Joao Batista(fbatista@cc.fc.ul.pt)

    Special Category: Scientists do it...

    Geographers do it globally.
    Geologists are great explorers.
    Geologists do it eruptively, with glow, and always smoke afterwards.
    Geologists do it in folded beds.
    Geologists do it to get their rocks off.
    Geologists know how to make the bedrock.
    Geologists do it on the rocks.
    Oceanographers do it on the waves.
    Oceanographers do it on the sea.
    Oceanographers do it with currents.

    From:         "RMW Musson" <R.Musson@bgs.ac.uk>
    Geophysicists do it with higher frequency.
    From:         Peregrine@t-online.de (FKoe)

    Geologists do it for ages.
    From:   Neil McNaughton <neilmcn@csi.com>
    Geophysicists do it till it hertz..

    From: Bobby Holder <BHOLDER@tnrcc.state.tx.us>
    Cavers do it deeper !

    From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith@calweb.com>
    Geologists do it stratigraphically.

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    From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith@calweb.com>
    Geologists have paleomagnetic personalities.
    Geophysical exercise.
    Geologists never lose their luster.
    Geologists don't wrinkle, they show lineation.
    Geologists are gneiss people, everyone else is just schist.
    Orogenous zones and hot spots.

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    From: kring@physik.uni-kl.de (Thomas Kettenring)

    Geologists are amazing. They know hundreds of words for different sorts of
    dirt and hundreds of words for things it does when left alone for a few
    million years.

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    From: pclarke@waite.adelaide.edu.au (Philip Clarke)

    Two Geologists are walking across a granite outcrop one day. The first says
    to the second "Hey, this terrain is unmetamorphosed". Replies the second
    one, "No Schist".

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    From:   Duncan A.McDonald <duncanmcdonald@home.com>
    Geologists get Rock Solid when in a sedimentary position.

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    From:   Mike Walker <mike.walkerNO@SPAMbakeratlas.com>
    Real story... still funny

    Talking to a group of primary school teachers about geology, and how to
    introduce it to the young.  The inevitable discussion on dinosaurs...all
    kids are fascinated about dinosaurs.

    So I asked the teachers, if so many kids were interested in dinosaurs, why
    weren't there more geologists...

    The answer...most kids grow up !

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    From:   Dan Shackelford <danshack@spam_me_not.ix.netcom.com>
    Here in California, when a bridge falls down, we know it must be San
    Andreas' Fault!

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    From:   Duncan A.McDonald <duncanmcdonald@home.com>
    My Pet Rock went to a Shrink the other day and, The Doc told him that
    he to fat and, had little personality.  Well, my pet rock to the Doc
    to stuff he prognosis and, he would get a second opinion.  He then
    visited a Barber and, he recommended the he grow some hair.  Then sold
    him some Grow gain.  He also told him to socialize more my being seen by
    lots of humans young and old.  He did this by getting a Job a Walmart
    as a Nut Cracker and hundreds of customers used him to crash a lot of
    nuts.  He was surely disappointed that nobody cared to see him other
    than a Nut Cracker.

    So the Moral of this story if you can't make it in Geology, don't ever
    work for Walmart.

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    From:   Limestone Cowboy <outac@geocities.com>
    I find drillers boring !

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    From:   Hoffman, Nick N <Hoffman.Nick.N@bhp.com.au>
    Special Category: Scientists do it...

    Geophysicists do it on impulse!
    (courtesy of Merlin Profilers)

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    From:   Ste Lomax <stephen.lomax@worc.ox.ac.uk>
    Geologists get hammered and stoned.

    Geologists are good at examining 100 cleavage whilst bedding a slag hoping
    to be cummingtonite

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    From: Mike Dale <mikedale@ozemail.com.au>

    Phil. Trans. Mem. Rept. J. Geol. Lithuania (22), 167-671

                           G.E.O  Lovarock
           School of Earth Sciences, University of Bitwindi

                               Abstract

    The Googly Plateau of King Harry XXV Land is a metaclastic succession of
    Archaean, Proterozoic and Phaneritic meta-amphibolite metafacies
    intruded in some places by tonalite-trodnjemite-basanite-microdiorite
    tuffs in part deformed and conformed probably during the Siluro-Permian
    Maggie Tabberer Orogeny and bounded on many sides by steeply dipping,
    flat-lying reverse thrust faults. The basement rock is Martian and
    probably pre-dates the solar system. In particular, the Queen Kylie
    Glacier Member of the Devil’s Arse Formation is a phanerolithic band of
    rock contorted and distorted in Northwest, Northeast, Southwest and
    Southeast dipping anticlinoria. It is a quartz-nepheline diamictite
    containing abundant clasts of pyroxene-rich limestone with ripple-marks,
    wormholes and vesicles. It is probably definitely stylonodular. The
    authors imagine that these highly terrigenous phenocrysts were derived
    from lowlands in the North, South, East and West when they were exposed
    to a primary oxygen ratio. Isotopic dating indicates that these
    metaclastics are really, really old. Probably the uplift was initiated
    in the Recent Epoch when plates were colliding all over the shop and
    there were more Benioff zones than I’ve had hot dinners.

    Robinovitch Daleski

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    From: Nick Mortimer <epidote@es.co.nz>
    INSTANT ABSTRACTS!

    Want to go to that conference in San Francisco but short of ideas for
    that abstract? SCISP Publishing House has the answer for its
    long-suffering readers. And it's free! Just select an abstract, fill in
    the blanks and submit. California here you come!

    HIGH-RESOLUTION, HIGH-PRECISION, HIGH-ACCURACY, HIGH-SENSITIVITY
    ANALYTICAL DATA FROM THE ____________ COMPLEX: IMPLICATIONS FOR RESOURCE
    ASSESSMENT AND ENVIRONMENTAL CONTAMINATION
    P.P. Em, Science Consultancy Institute of the South Pacific.

    While on vacation, one of the laboratory staff obtained a rock sample
    from the side of a road somewhere near ________________ . The sample was
    sawn, trimmed, split, disaggregated, sieved, pulverised, mixed with
    concentrated hydrochloric, hydrofluoric, sulphuric, nitric, acetic and
    citric acids, beaten until well-blended, placed in a round glass dish
    and baked in an oven at 350deg F for one hour. Three picograms of sample
    were analysed by state-of-the-art SEM, TEM, XRD, XRF, EPMA, AAS, PIXE,
    XAFS, AMS, LA-ICP-MS, TIMS, SIMS and SHRIMP methods. All results were
    filtered for anomalies and were then smoothed, corrected, reduced,
    double-normalised and plotted on small diagrams with 0.5 standard
    deviation error bars. Detailed interpretation of LLDs as well as HFSE,
    LILE, PGE and REE concentrations, isotopic ratios, fractionation
    factors, discordia trajectories, spidergams and colour inkjet plots
    viewed through 3D glasses indicate that the sample is unlikely to
    represent degassed unremelted homogenised depleted MORB-like Phanerozoic
    subcontinental upper mantle, at least at the 34% confidence level.
    Factors which could contribute to the observed differences between this
    sample and the previous 3pg of material analysed by this well-equipped
    world-class analytical facility are considered.

    --

    INTERNATIONAL MULTIDISCIPLINARY GEOPHYSICAL PROFILING OF THE SHALLOW AND
    DEEP LITHOSPHERE NEAR _____________ : IMPLICATIONS FOR HAZARD ANALYSIS
    AND GONDWANA EVOLUTION
    T. Emblor, Science Consultancy Institute of the South Pacific.

    Mountain ranges are sometimes formed by compression or transpression at
    plate margins. Specific examination of the utilisation of different
    geophysical methods in common use around the world led to the conducting
    of a "campaign-style" detailed, long baseline geophysical survey
    experiment across _______________ in order to improve understanding of
    the area. A supplemental series of experiments was conducted in an
    attempt to assess the precision of measurable components. These
    secondary experiments showed that geophysical processes can be estimated
    to a high degree of precision. Accordingly, spatial parameters were
    combined to make a new multi-terabyte database on a SUN workstation.
    Although the Principal Investigators failed to agree on a snappy acronym
    for the experiment, the main survey did reveal the presence of
    lithospheric heterogeneity and/or anisotropy in the crust beneath the
    area. Changes in the physical properties of the host rocks and/or
    presence of fluids are favoured to account for changes in observed
    components. Data are consistent with previously identified broad scale
    tectonic models. Technical limitations, imposed by external factors,
    were also identified during the main and secondary experiments.

    --

    GEOLOGY OF A REMOTE AND RUGGED AREA NEAR _____________ : IMPLICATIONS
    FOR HAZARD ANALYSIS AND RESOURCE ASSESSMENT
    Hal Fanglegraben, Science Consultancy Institute of the South Pacific.

    During the course of a helicopter-supported field study, a previously
    unmapped rock unit was found to outcrop over a large area. The upper
    contact of the unit is hidden by a deeply-crevassed ice plateau, and the
    lower contact is obscured by alluvium deposited by swollen rivers
    impassable even by 4WD vehicle. Although a number of lithological
    subdivisions can be made, different degrees of disruption are observed
    across the unit and the recognition of at least seven phases of
    deformation means that total thickness is poorly known. Detailed studies
    of the unit together with analyses of its constituents provide the basis
    for an assessment of its characteristics. Composition is variable, but
    is generally similar to nearby bodies with which the unit is correlated.
    Particular reference is made to possible, but enigmatic,
    interrelationships between tectonic activity, mineralisation and slope
    angle. More data are needed to extend this reconnaissance study, thus
    enabling a better picture of regional relationships to be determined.
    ---

    More of this sort of nonsense, if it's your sort of thing, at
    http://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~epidote/Company/institute.html

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    Special Category: You might be a scientist if...

#### YOU MIGHT BE A GEOLOGIST IF. . .

        * You can pronounce the word "molybdenite" correctly on the first try.
        * You think the primary function of road cuts is tourist attractions.
        * You own more pieces of quartz than underwear.  You associate the word
        * "hard" with a value on the Mohs scale instead of "work".  The
        * rockpile in your garage is taller than you are.  You have a strong
        * opinion as to whether pieces of concrete are properly called "rocks".
        * The local university's geology department requests permission to hold
        * field trips in your back yard.  You associate the name "Franklin"
        * with New Jersey instead of "Ben".  There's amethyst in your aquarium.
        * Your wife has ever had to ask you to move flats of rocks out of the
        * tub so she could take a bath.  Your spelling checker has a vocabulary
        * that includes the words "polymorph" and "pseudomorph".  Your children
        * are named Rocky, Jewel, and Beryl.  You were the only member of the
        * group who spent their time looking at cathedral walls through a
        * pocket magnifier during your trip to Europe.  They won't give you
        * time off from work to attend the Tucson Gem and Mineral Show and you
        * go anyway.  You begin fussing because the light strips you installed
        * on your bookshelves aren't full spectrum.  You've ever purchased an
        * individual, unfaceted rock, regardless of the price.  You've ever
        * spent more than ten dollars for a book about rocks.  You shouted
        * "Obsidian!" to a theater full of movie-goers while watching "The
        * Shawshank Redemption".  The polished slab on your bola tie is six
        * inches in diameter.  You find yourself compelled to examine
        * individual rocks in driveway gravel.  The USGS identifies your
        * collection as a major contributing factor to isostasy in your state.
        * You know the location of every rock shop within a 100 mile radius of
        * your home.  When they haven't seen you for a week, the shop owners
        * send you get well cards.  You're retired and still thinking of adding
        * another room to your house.  Your idea of a "quiet, romantic evening
        * at home" involves blue mineral tack and thumbnail boxes.  You're
        * planning on using a pick and shovel while you're on vacation.  You
        * can point out where Tsumeb is on a world globe.  You think Franklin,
        * New Jersey might be a cool place to go on a vacation.  You associate
        * the word "saw" with diamonds instead of "wood".  You begin wondering
        * what a complete set of the Mineralogical Record is worth.  When you
        * find out, you actually consider paying it.  You've fabricated a
        * backpack for your dog.  You've installed more than one mineralogical
        * database program on your computer.  The baggage handlers at the
        * airport know you by name and refuse to help with your luggage.  You
        * receive a letter from the county informing you a landfill permit is
        * required to put anymore rocks on your property.  Your internet home
        * page has pictures of your rocks.  There's a copy of Dana's Manual
        * next to your toilet.  You still think pet rocks are a pretty neat
        * idea.  You get excited when you discover a hardware store that stocks
        * 16 pound sledge hammers and 5 foot long pry bars.  You debate for
        * months on the internet concerning the relative advantages and
        * drawbacks of vibratory verses drum tumblers.  Your employer has asked
        * you not to bring any more rocks to the office until they have time to
        * reinforce the floor.  You decide not to get married because you'd
        * rather keep the rock.

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    From: nathan@visi.com

    The canonical list of the things to do in a geology exam when you know
    you'll fail anyways: (By David Brunsting)

    Please send any additions/flames to dbruns77@ursa.calvin.edu

    Contributer(s):

    Dan Rozman [drozma57@ursa.calvin.edu]

    [-----Cut Here-----]

    ---  For a adament atheist/NON-christian historical geology prof start
    every essay question with a sentence like, "This goes against my
    fundamentalist christian background because we all know the the Earth is
    really only 6000 yrs old so this really didn't happen, but I'll answer it
    anyways..."

    ---  Bring a pick and chisel to the exam and hammer away at any sample of
    rock in the room.  If there are no samples, hammer on the chalk-board and
    calmly explain to the professor the you MUST do this in order to
    understand slate...

    ---  Bring a quartz crystal and pretend it's your pet.  Ask the x-al exam
    questions and every now and then loudly exclaim, "YES! I think you're
    right!!!"

    ---  Use flint to try to set your exam on fire.  If there is no flint in
    the room, bring your own.

    ---  Loudly exclaim after each question, "WOW! THAT'S NEAT!"

    ---  Pretend to discover gold on a sample in the room that has pyrite on
    it.  Run out of the room screaming loudly that you've found gold and how
    rich you're going to be so you don't have to take this (colorful
    adjective) test.  Then come back into the room and say, "HA! I fooled ALL
    of you!"

    ---  Sing "Plaster Caster" by Kiss as you pulverize a chunk of gypsum.

    ---  Yell loudly, "Oppressed geology undergrads of the world -
    CRYSTALIZE!"

    ---  Bring a Brunton Compass and inform everyone around you that this
    ISN'T the orientation the room was in the last time you were there.  Then
    tell them that it is a vicious plot of the geology department to use
    tectonic forces to move all to rooms on campus so that everyone will
    sucumb to their devious plans to rule the Earth...etc...etc...

    ---  Bring a stuffed animal that looks really bizarre.  Mid-way through
    the exam, walk up to the front like you're in show-n-tell and tell the
    class in a cute 5 year old voice about your buddy, "Isogyer."

    ---  Bring a soft black rock (carbonates, coal, ...etc...etc...)
    and write the entire exam with it.

    ---  Lay on the floor while doing the exam.  When the professor asks what
    the heck are you doing, just tell the prof that you're getting closer to
    mother Earth so that you'll do better.

    ---  For a palentology exam, bring bones and beat on the table you are
    sitting at while singing "Roll the Bones" by Rush.

    ---  For an Environmental Studies class walk into the room with an NRA
    shirt and begin to inform everybody that they're a bunch of
    envronmentalist wackos.

    ---  Use a petrographic microscope to look at the exam.

    ---  Bring pulverized sulfur, be creative.

    ---  Come to the exam late and before you sit down at a desk strike it
    with a pick.  Carefully listen to the tone and pretend it isn't right.
    Don't sit down until you've tried this with every empty desk at least 3
    times each.  After you finally find a place to sit, get up every fifteen
    minutes and do it all over again and find another place to sit.

    ---  When you get the exam, give it back to the professor and tell him to
    save the trees.

    ---  Pull out a decent sized chunk of gypsum and begin to gnaw on it.
    Explain that it makes for a great aphrodisiac.

    ---  Hide small farm animals in specimine drawers.

    ---  If the test involves topographic maps, put Garfield stickers all over
    it...If it's a map of Michigan, put an Elvis stamp on Kalamazoo.

    ---  Comment on how sexy the professor would look with a pick hanging from
    their belt.

    ---  Run into the room screaming, "OH NO!  IT'S THE GLACIERS!  THEY'RE
    COMMING BACK AND THEY'RE PISSED!"

    ---  Bring a calculator to an essay exam.  Pretend to use it often.

    ---  Do an imitation of soil creep.  Be sure to include sound effects.

    ---  Pretend to be blind and act like the only way you can see is by
    looking through biotite flakes.

    ---  Act as though one of the crystals in the room is sucking the life
    force out of you.  Just like superman and kryptonite.

    ---  Become a lithophagic organism.

    -Dave

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    Special Category: quizes and tests to do
    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>

                           Geology and Mineralology test

    Are you a rockhound or rockhead? Test your knowledge of mineral and rock
    names by putting one of the names listed below into each blank.

     1. The geologist played poker, but wound up losing his ___________.

     2. The bar where mineralogists break the Ten Commandments is called the
    __________ .

     3. If we ____________ rocks, we'll all lose our teeth.

     4. There are four ____________ to the gallon.

     5. "What shall we give Mike?" "Let's give ____________ new  mineral for
    his collection!"

     6. Fracture of the ____________ column usually results in paralysis.

     7. All of the talkative geology students were put in one row, soon
    christened the "__________".

     8. When Fred Zir was swindled of his jewels, it was called the Great ____________.

     9. You sent her flowers? What a ____________ thing to do.

    10. If I don't get this ____________, when someone walks in he'll fall
    through to the basement.

    11. The mineral that is the very symbol of hunger. ____________

    12. The con man tried to ____________ mineralogists with a  fake  ruby, but
    he got caught.

    13. At the circus, a clown threw a fake rock at another and got a
    ____________ in his face.

    14. Put Nick's book ____________ shelf where it belongs.

    15. A baseball player's favorite gem. ____________

    16. If a rube is a type of hick, does it follow that hickeys are
    ____________?

    17. Says one hip geologist to another, "Hey, that's really __________ man."

    18. How to insult a geologist: look into his ear and say,  " ____________"

    19. If you drop a rock on your foot while in polite company, you should say
    "___________ all!"

    20. Of all things, we must never take rocks for ____________.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    a) Albite          f) Diamond          k) Gneiss          p) Quartz
    b) Apatite         g) Fluorite         l) Gypsum          q) Rubies
    c) Chert           h) Gabbro           m) Mica            r) Scheelite
    d) Cinnabar        i) Garnet           n) Onyx            s) Spinel
    e) Coal            j) Granite          o) Pyrite          t) Zircon
    ---------------------------------------

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    "Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything
    about it."  - Mark Twain (US writer, 1835-1910)

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    From: Scot Nelson <napuumaia@flex.com>
    I studied geology in college, but found the core curriculum was too deep.

    From: "Sheila Dundee" <sheilaD@chariot.net.au>
    So no *magma cum laude* for you then?

    From: Steve J
    When I took geology, I went through a metamorphosis.  I really dig the
    subject.

    From: J. A. Mc. <xxxxx@lvdi.net>
    We had a great Prof., the course rocked.

    From: "Kha'tie" <katietakeoutpostma@home.com>
    Shale I tell you about my college days?  I sometimes take them for granite.

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    From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith@calweb.com>
    Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault.
    California has its faults.

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    Special Category: Definitions and terms
    From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith@calweb.com>
    Geologist -- Fault finder

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    From: Sarah Angier (Sangier77@AOL.COM)

    TOTAL IMMERSION GEOLOGISTS
    Total immersion geologists: Are you totally obsessed with geology? If so,
    then you are a total immersion geologist. Here are the ten warning signs:
    1) You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building stone they use
    rather than their food.
    2) You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion of geology, as in:
        "What did you think of that Superbowl game last night?"
        "I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored it? Geological Society
    of America?"
    3) The only thing you notice about attractive members of the opposite sex is
    the stone in their jewelry.
    4) You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions and continue
    looking at the outcrops using the headlights of your field vehicle.
    5) You like rock music only because it's called "rock" music.
    6) You will try to claw through the water flowing in a stream to get a better
    look at the bedrock at the base of the channel.
    7) You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop
    on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side you're
    parked on.
    8) You name your children after rocks and minerals.
    9) You're not sure if you have children.
    10) You view non-geologists as subhuman.

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    Special Category: Definitions and terms
    From: Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us>
    Basalt: Salted sheep.

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    From: "jgsab" <jgsab@netzero.net>
    To be written on the bathroom wall of the GLY bldg:

    Gneiss schist from upper Jurassic!

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>, puns of the weak
    Why are geologists unhappy?
    People take them for granite. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>, puns of the weak
    What do you call a geologist who doesn't hear anything?
    Stone deaf (Joseph Rosenbloom)

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>, puns of the weak
    When are geologists unpopular?
    When they are fault-finders. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

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    Special Category: Definitions and terms
    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>, puns of the weak
    Upper crust- A lot of crumbs held together with dough. (Geoff Tibballs)

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>, Puns of the Weak
    The geology student flunked his rocks exam because he took it for granite.
    (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>, Puns of the Weak
    How did everyone know the volcano was angry?
    Because it was fuming. (Mike Artell)

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    From: Raphael Jesus <hercullessrj@yahoo.com>

    Why did the Geologist get expelled by the School House Marm?

    .... he couldn't keep a clean slate!

    Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School?

    ... he was a dirty layer!

    Why did the Geologist win top prize in the Military Prep School Parade?

    ... because he had that Drill down.

    What state do Geologists live in?

    ...Ochrehoma.

    Why did the Geologist win first place in the Braille contest?

    ...because he had a great Feeled Test.

    What do a Geologist and a Clairvoyant have in common?

    ... they both are great Remote Sensing experts.

    Need any more bad puns?
    Email me the subject and I'll make some up on the spot for you! After all,
    I am very Igneous. (Ingenious spelled as a dyslexic, probably a joke in
    there somewhere?)

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>, Puns of the Weak
    Fanatic Californians overlook its faults. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>, Puns of the Weak
    Where do geologists like to relax?
    In a rocking chair (Betty Debnam)

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#### Subsections

- 5. earth sciences - general
- 5.1 geology
- 5.2 meteorology

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