## 8. ACADEMIC LIFE

#### Subsections

- 8. academic life - general
- 8.1 rules for research
- 8.2 rules for writing an article
- 8.3 academic life poetry
- 8.4 research quotes
- 8.5 publish and explanation quotes
- 8.6 In the classroom
- 8.7 graduate students
- 8.8 exams
- 8.9 love life
- 8.10 students
- 8.11 staff
- 8.12 remarkable academic institutes

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

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    From: Philip Clarke <clar0318@flinders.edu.au>
                               SCIENTISTS EXPLAINED

    People who work in the fields of science and engineering are not like other
    people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to
    deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to
    understand their motivations. The following analysis will teach you
    everything you need to know. Their customs and mannerisms were learnt by
    observing them, much the same way Jane Goodall learnt about the great apes,
    but without the hassles of grooming.

    ********************************

    1. SCIENTIST IDENTIFICATION KIT

    Science is so trendy these days that everyone wants to be one. the word
    'scientist' is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you
    think is trying to pass as a scientist, give him/her this test to discern
    the truth:

    You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

    A. Straighten it.

    B. Ignore it.

    C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered,
    self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the
    inventor of the nail was a total moron.

    The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who
    writes "it depends" in the margin of the test or who simply blames the whole
    stupid thing on "marketing".

    2. SOCIAL SKILLS

    Scientists have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

    "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social
    interaction:

    * Stimulating and thought provoking conversation;
    * Important social contacts;
    * A feeling of connectedness with other humans.

    In contrast to "normal" people, scientists have rational objectives for
    social interactions:

    * Get it over with as soon as possible;
    * Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant;
    * Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

    3. FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

    To the scientist, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two
    catagories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need
    to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

    Scientists like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily
    available, they will create their own. "Normal" people don't understand this
    concept, they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Scientists
    believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

    No scientist looks at a TV remote control without wondering what it would
    take to turn it into a stun gun. No scientist can take a shower without
    wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary.

    To the scientist, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and
    feature-poor toys.

    4. FASHION AND APPEARANCE

    Clothes are the lowest priority for a scientist, assuming the basic
    thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages
    are freezing or sticking together, and no genitalia or mammary glands are
    swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met.

    5. LOVE OF "STAR TREK"

    Scientists love all of the Star Trek TV shows and movies. It's a small
    wonder, since the scientists on the USS Enterprise are portrayed as heroes,
    occasionally even having sex with aliens. this is much more glamorous than
    the life of a real scientist, which consists of hiding from the Universe and
    having sex without the participation of any other life forms.

    6. DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

    Dating is never easy for scientists. A "normal" person will employ various
    indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of
    attractiveness. Scientists are incapable of placing appearance above function.

    Fortunately, scientists have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised
    as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest,
    and handy around the house. While it's true that most "normal" people would
    prefer note to date a scientist, most normal people harbour an intense
    desire to mate with them, thus producing scientist-like children who will
    have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

    Male scientists reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than most
    "normal" men, becoming irresistable erotic dynamos in their mid-thirties to
    late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistable men in
    technical professions:

    * Bill Gates
    * MacGyver

    Female scientists become irresistable at the age of consent and remain that
    way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a
    warm day.

    7. HONESTY

    Scientists are always honest in matters of technology and human
    relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep scientists away from
    customers, romantic interests and other people who can't handle the truth.

    Scientists sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that
    sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to
    believe them. The complete list of scientist lies is stated below:

     "I won't change anything without asking you first."
     "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
     "I have to have new equipment to do my job/research."
     "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

    8. FRUGALITY

    Scientists are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean
    spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem
    in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining
    the greatest amount of cash?"

    9. POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

    If there is one trait that best defines a scientist, it is the ability to
    concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in
    the environment.

    This sometimes causes scientists to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some
    funeral homes in high tech areas have started checking resumes before
    processing the bodies. Anybody with a B.Sc. or experience in computer
    programming is propped up in a lounge for a few days just to see if he or
    she snaps out of it.

    10. RISK

    Scientists hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is
    understandable, given that when a scientist makes a mistake, the media will
    treat it like it's a big deal or something.

    Examples of Bad Press for Scientists:

    * Hindenburg
    * Challenger
    * SPANet (tm)
    * Hubble Space Telescope
    * Apollo 13
    * Titanic
    * Ford Pinto

    The risk/reward calculation for scientists looks something like this:

    RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
    REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

    Being practical people, scientists evaluate this balance of risks and
    rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid
    risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons
    that are far too complicated to explain.

    If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the scientist
    will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but
    it will cost too much."

    11. EGO

    Ego-wise, two things are important to scientists:

    * How smart they are;
    * How many cool devices they own.

    The fastest way to get a scientist to solve a problem is to declare that
    the problem is unsolvable. No scientist can walk away from an unsolvable
    problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get
    the scientist off the case. These types of challenges quickly become
    personal - a battle between the scientist and the laws of nature.

    Scientists will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem
    (other times just because they forgot). And when they succeed in solving
    the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex - and
    we're including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

    othing is more threatening to the scientist than the suggestion that
    somebody else has more technical skill. "Normal" people sometimes use that
    knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the scientist.

    When a scientist says that something can't be done (a code phrase that
    means it's not fun to do), some clever "normal" people have learnt to
    glance at the scientist with a look of compassion and pity, and say
    something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how
    to solve difficult problems."

    At that point it is a good idea for the "normal" person to not stand
    between the scientist and the problem. The scientist will set upon the
    problem like a starved chihuahua on a pork chop.

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    From: Paul Brady <john.brady@ic.ac.uk>
    University(college etc) is a fountain of knowledge where people go to
    drink!!

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    From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
    A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.

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    From: Daniel Yoo <dyoo@sfu.ca>
    Studying expands knowledge,

     Knowledge is power,

      Power corrupts,

       Corruption is a crime,

        Crime doesn't pay.

    Why study?

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    From: mini-AIR <marca@wilson.harvard.edu>
    1997-04-05	Advice for Researchers

    Here are some useful bits of advice for researchers. They were
    devised or plagiarized by three of AIR's most experienced
    editorial board members.

    >From Earle Spamer, Academy of Natural Sciences, Philadelphia:
    1.	Stare out a window frequently;
            it inspires thoughtfulness among others.
    2.	Doze only when looking through a microscope;
            no one will know.
    3.	Lend only dry pens to those who ask to borrow one;
            eventually, they will leave you alone altogether.
    4.	Fungal colonies in coffee cups DO constitute
            science experiments.
    5.	Start practicing now to write the date with "2000"
            for the year.
    6.	Young researchers should practice their
            Nobel acceptance speeches early in their careers;
            but leave the subject area blank for now.
    7.	Always keep a tie in your desk for emergencies
            (this applies to men, mostly).
    8.	Don't keep a stethoscope in your white lab coat pocket
            unless you are actually in the medical profession.
    9.	Smile a lot; it makes others nervous.

    >From Wendy Cooper, Australian National University, Canberra:
    1.	Alwys use teh speling cheker.
    2.	Don't take naps in the lab.
    3.	Wear nothing under your lab coat.
    4.	Be nice to experimental animals -- nobody has been able
            to disprove reincarnation.

    >From Leonard Finegold, Drexel University, Philadelphia:
    1.	My mother used to tell me to never repeat an experiment
            (lest I get a different result).

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    From:BRIAN6@VAXC.MDX.AC.UK (who has a lightbulb collection)

    Special Category: How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb
    Q:  How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.

    Q:  How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A:  None. That is what their students are for.  (from Philip Clarke in New
        Scientist)

    A:  Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical
        modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for
        publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

    Q:  How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to
        change a lightbulb?
    A:  Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around
        arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.

    Q:  How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A:  One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.

    Q:  How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A:  One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because
        he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.

    Q:  How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A:  Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
    A:  It all depends on the size of the grant.
    A:  Two and a professor to take credit.
    A:  1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
    A:  I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a
        $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me
        how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this
        incredibly vital question.

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    From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)

    Special Category: Old scientists never die...
    OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
    OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded

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    Special Category: Definitions and terms

    From: "*G - P*"
                              The College Dictionary

    CAFETERIA: From 2 Latin words, "cafe" meaning place to eat and "teria"
    meaning to wretch.

    MAJOR:   Area of study that no longer interest you.

    STUDENT ATHLETE:   See "contradiction in terms."

    GRADE:   Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment.

    SUMMER SCHOOL:   A viable alternative to a summer job.

    QUARTER:   The most coveted form of currency on campus.

    HUNGER:   Condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying.

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    From: Aliquotes v.vii (journal) (rogerb@microsoft.com)
                     SURVIVOR'S GUIDE TO A LIFE (?) IN SCIENCE

    You've just finished another aruous week in the lab and you'v nothing to
    show for it.  Your phospo-proteins aren't, you used DNase when RNasing your
    plasmid prep, you knocked out three of you colleagues when etherizing your
    rats and you somehow managed to develop a new protocol for the productions
    of trinitro-toluene.  You've pretty much reached wits end and you're ready
    to quit.
    Well, we at *Aliquotes* have decided to give you the following suggestions
    to help you cope with weeks like these and remind you that life is good.

    1.  Buck up, chum.  Life is okay and you just have to remind yourself that
    you'r pretty darn special.  (This one hardly ever works and your friends
    start to get really worried about you.  Beware of men carrying the white
    coats with really long sleeves.)

    2.  Talk to some of your colleagues or your supervisor and see if you can't
    troubleshoot the problems, coming up with a solution which will be
    beneficial to all.  (This one is rarely followed as it requires the
    scientist to own up to the fact that there is a problem in the first
    place.  It's bad enough that you feel terrible, but to look stupid in your
    department would be just too much to bear.)

    3.  Lower your standards for success.  Congratulations, you've been able to
    get a mole of NaCl to dissolve in a litre of water and the pH meter said
    that the pH4 standard had a pH of four!  (This one is good, but tends to
    only last a little while before the pH meter starts to give you trouble and
    you realize that you need more than 1M NaCl to finish your experiments.)

    4.  Go find someone else in the department who is having a worse time than
    you are and revel in the fact that it could be worse.  Try not to gloat
    though as that is just crass.  (This is a pretty good one and will give you
    some satisfaction for a week or so, but the joy tends to wear thin as you
    begin to empathize with the individual and can no longer take joy from
    their misfortune.  Also there is the serious risk that there is no one in
    worse shape than you and everyone else is coming to your bench.)

    5.  Visit a factory where people work at jobs requiring excessive and
    strenuous effort or are involved in the endless tedium of punch cards and
    paper pushing.  (This tends to scare people into submission and should only
    be attempted under the most extreme cases.)

    6.  Take a look at you C.V. and you will quickly realize that you are not
    acually suited to any other form of employment.  (This one tends to only
    depress people further as they realize that they are trapped and their only
    other choice involves the expression, "Do you want fries with that?".)

    7.  Go to the local drinking establishment and run up a tab which
    challenges your student loans.  (This is clearly the most popular method
    for dealing with stress.  The one draw back is that you walk in on Monday
    morning with a large woolen sock around your tongue and the ability to
    sense every corpuscle wich passes through the capillaries under the skin
    of your scalp, but hey, you had a good weekend.)

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    From: jsih@gort.ucsd.edu (Julie Sih)

    Dear Fellow Scientist:

    This letter has been around the world at least seven times.  It has
    been to many major conferences.  Now it has come to you.  It will
    bring you good fortune.  This is true even if you don't believe it.
    But you must follow these instructions:

     -  include in your next journal article the citations below.
     -  remove the first citation from the list and add a
        citation to your journal article at the bottom.
     -  make ten copies and send them to colleagues.

    Within one year, you will be cited up to 10,000 times!  This will
    amaze your fellow faculty, assure your promotion and improve your
    sex life.  In addition, you will bring joy to many colleagues. Do
    not break the reference loop, but send this letter on today.

    Dr. H. received this letter and within a year after passing it on
    she was elected to the National Academy of Sciences.  Prof. M.
    threw this letter away and was denied tenure.  In Japan, Dr. I.
    received this letter and put it aside.  His article for Trans.
    on Nephrology was rejected.  He found the letter and passed it on,
    and his article was published that year in the New England Journal
    of Medicine.  In the Midwest, Prof. K. failed to pass on the letter,
    and in a budget cutback his entire department was eliminated.  This
    could happen to you if you break the chain of citations.

    1. Miller, J. (1992). Post-modern neo-cubism and the wave theory
    of light.  Journal of Cognitive Artifacts, 8, 113-117.

    2. Johnson, S. (1991). Micturition in the canid family: the
    irresistable pull of the hydrant. Physics Quarterly, 33, 203-220.

    3. Anderson, R. (1990).  Your place or mine?: an empirical comparison
    of two models of human mating behavior. Psychology Yesterday 12, 63-77.

    4. David, E. (1994). Modern Approaches to Chaotic Heuristic
    Optimization: Means of Analyzing Non-Linear Intelligent Networks
    with Emergent Symbolic Structure. (doctoral dissertation, University
    of California at Santa Royale El Camino del Rey Mar Vista by-the-sea.

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    From:   Bernard T. Donovan <btdonov@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu>
                                 WRITE THESIS FAST
    This letter was first written by a graduate student in Europe in 1954
    and has traveled around the world at least 16 times.  At first I
    wouldn't believe that it would work, but after trying it, I am now a
    believer in its mystical and magical power.

    This letter was received by a graduate student in Chicago, IL in 1973
    and within two weeks, he had completed a 5600 page doctoral
    dissertation and began a career which lead to a Nobel Prize.  A few
    years later, another graduate student received this letter and sent it
    to 5 of her friends, and she too completed a 3100 page paper which has
    continued to grow to this day!

    Simply write five pages of text on the given subjects for each person
    on this list.  Than place your name in slot #1 and move everyone else's
    name down one space.  Send this letter to ten of your colleagues, and
    within a month, you too will have a thesis or disertation which your
    advisor can choke on if he or she doesn't go blind or break his or her
    back first.
    1.      Bernard T. Donovan, M.S. student in biochemistry
    EPR spectroscopy of crud from my refrigerator

    2.      James C. Messier, PhD. student in political science
    The Cuban Missile Crisis: What if Nixon were president?

    3.      Frances K. Allen, M.A. student in music theory
    Development of polyphonic forms from Gregorian Chant

    4.      Penny S. Jordan, PhD student in computer science
    Is Windows 95 merely Mac 84?

    5.      Thomas J. Quinn, MBA student
    Bears and Bulls in the stock market, but what about Sox and Cubs?

    The last person who received this letter and did not respond was
    tormented by receiving 100-level teaching assignments until he was 40
    years old.  Today he works as a clerk for the Little-Plastic-Pizza-Table
    Museum in Cleveland, OH, making minimum wage and regretting his
    terrible decision not to perpetuate this letter.

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    UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
       * Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
       * Says "Look at the choo-choo"
       * Wets himself with a water pistol
       * Plays in mud puddles
       * Mumbles to himself

    GRADUATE STUDENT
       * Runs into buildings
       * Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
       * Is not issued ammunition
       * Can stay afloat with a life jacket
       * Talks to walls

    INSTRUCTOR
       * Climbs walls continually
       * Rides the rails
       * Plays Russian Roulette
       * Walks on thin ice
       * Prays a lot

    ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
       * Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
       * Is run over by locomotives
       * Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
       * Treads water
       * Talks to animals

    ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
       * Barely clears a quonset hut
       * Loses tug of war with a locomotive
       * Can fire a speeding bullet
       * Swims well
       * Is occasionally addressed by God

    PROFESSOR
       * Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
       * Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
       * Is faster than a speeding BB
       * Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
       * Talks with God if a special request is honored

    THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
       * Leaps short buildings in a single bound
       * Is more powerful than a switch engine
       * Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
       * Asks how much it costs to fill the pool
       * Talks with God

    THE DEAN
       * Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
       * Is more powerful than a locomotive
       * Is faster than a speeding bullet
       * Walks on water
       * Gives policy to God

    DEPARTMENT SECRETARY
       * Lifts buildings and walks under them
       * Kicks locomotives off the tracks
       * Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
       * Freezes water with a single glance
       * She's the closest thing to God, at any College

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    From: brooks@bizauto.com (Brooks Hilliard)

    I picked this up from the LACC list to which I subscribe:

    >To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
    >Subject: LACC: Quote of the day
    >From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
    >Date: Wed, 29 May 1996 05:50:01 -0600
    >
    >On 12/2/95, the weekly magazine "Science News" ran an article entitled
    >"When not to photocopy", which prompted this letter from a reader:
    >
    >"Your article caused me serious concern.  Many of my faculty colleagues
    > routinely photocopy material from journals, and sometimes they even
    > distribute photocopies to classes or to their research groups.  They are
    > not aware, I am sure, that they may be in hot water.
    >
    >"Therefore, I photocopied your article and distributed it in all the
    > faculty and staff mailboxes in our department."
    >
    > (signed) Jimmie G. Edwards, Professor of Chemistry, University of
    > Toledo, Toledo, Ohio, USA
    >
    >
    >    Submitted by: "John S. Karabaic" <jk@exnext.com>
    >                  Mar. 11, 1996

physics
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    From: magidin@math.berkeley.edu (Arturo Magidin)

                  Weekly Work Reports and the Moshinsky Maneuver

    This is a true story, as told by my father, whose sister worked in the
    ININ. It is called "The Moshinsky Maneuver":

    At one point, in Mexico's National Institute of Nuclear Research (ININ),
    instead of appointing a scientist as head of the Institute (as was
    traditional), the president appointed an administrator.  The new Director
    promptly enacted all sorts of administrative procedures and forms that had
    to be filled by every department.  In particular, he announced that every
    Department Head had to file a weekly Activities Report, and a weekly
    "Projected Activities for the Coming Week" report, both to be delivered
    during a weekly Department Head meeting with the Director.

    Dr. Marcos Moshinsky was then the head of the Theoretical Physics
    Department. This is how he dealt with the announcement:

    At the first weekly meeting, the Theoretical Physics Dept.  presented the
    following report:

    "During the past week, the Theoretical Physics Dept. worked
     on solving the following differential equations:" and then followed two
    pages of hand-written differential equations.

    "During the coming week, the Theoretical Physics Dept. hopes
     to solve the following differential equations:"
    and then followed three pages of hand-written differential
    equations.

    The Head of the Institute announced the next morning that the Theoretical
    Physics Dept. was excused from the weekly meetings, and could present only
    one report every six months.

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    From: voros@physics.monash.edu.au (Joe Voros)

    This sequence of notices was reported on the Faculty of
    Education's News Sheet.  The name of the writer has been changed,
    but follows the original form of signature each time.  Enjoy.

    !-----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Third Year Noticeboard.

    !--------

    Friday, May 4, 1990.

    Just a friendly reminder.  Please note that the last date for the
    submission of continuous assessment essays is Friday May 18 1990.
    Your essays should be handed to Maureen in the departmental
    office on or before that day and a receipt obtained.

    Generic Lecturer

    !--------

    Friday, May 18, 1990.

    It rather looks as though some third year students have not yet
    handed in their continuous assessment essays to Maureen in the
    departmental office.  The FINAL deadline for the submission of
    these essays is TUESDAY MAY 22.

    Generic Lecturer (Prof)

    !--------

    Tuesday, May 22, 1990.

    One or two third year students have still not handed in their
    continuous assessment essays to Maureen in the departmental
    office.  The ABSOLUTE AND FINAL deadline for submission of these
    essays is FRIDAY MAY 25.  You are advised that failure to submit
    by this date may have implications for your final mark.

    G. Lecturer (Professor)

    !--------

    Friday, May 25, 1990.

    Listen.  You lot really are pushing your luck this year. I know
    that some of you are relying on the soft-hearted liberals and
    pusillanimous social workers in the department to vote down any
    system of penalizing late submissions but you should note that we
    failed to get a draconian punishment system through by only one
    vote last year and that means with our new and highly
    authoritarian external examiner on the committee this year you
    could be in for a very nasty shock indeed. (How about THREE marks
    off your total for every day late?  What d'you think of that, eh?)
    So this is your ABSOLUTE AND FINAL AND ULTIMATE LAST CHANCE.
    Unless you get those bleeding essays in to Maureen by Monday
    morning May 28 at 9.30am, I will do my damnedest to ensure that
    there'll be no reason whatsoever for YOUR mother to show up on
    this campus on Graduation Day.
    GET MY DRIFT?

    Professor G. Lecturer BA, MA, PhD.

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    Special Category: You might be a scientist if...

                          **You might be a scientist...**

    If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

    If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.

    If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal
    point in the right place.

    If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
    hanging coats and taping ducts.

    If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find
    the burnt-out bulb in the string.

    If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi
    movie looking for technical inaccuracies.

    If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

    If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that
    actually takes five minutes to run.

    If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on
    the radio in your work area for better reception.

    If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.

    If you have never backed-up your hard drive.

    If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

    If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

    If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
    tires.

    If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.

    If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to
    the front to fix it.

    If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.

    If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN
    stands for.

    If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

    If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

    If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get
    enough sleep.

    If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain
    atmospheric absorption theory.

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    From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith@calweb.com>
    Colleges don't make fools; they only develop them

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

    From: "Cerberus - Dog Of Hell" <cerNOberSPAMus@mystacy.NOfsnetSPAM.co.uk>
                         University Student's Dissertation

    Hubert Humphrey was asked to be an advisor on a university student's
    dissertation.  A request he accepted with delight.  All proceeded well and
    on the date the paper was due the student delivered a nicely bound
    copy. Two months went by and the student hadn't heard a word.  So, he went
    to Mr.  Humphrey's office and asked him what he thought of the paper.

    "Well," said Mr.  Humphrey, "I think it needs to be redone."

    Although dejected, the student decided to take another crack at the
    project.

    And two months later, the student delivered the new version to
    Mr. Humphrey, and another month went by without hearing a word.  So, again,
    the student went to see Mr. Humphrey, and again was told the paper had to
    be redone.

    Totally beside himself, the student went back to the drawing board and
    rewrote the paper for a third time.  Two months later he returned to
    Mr. Humphrey's office with the new term paper in hand and said to him,

    "I've re-researched and rewritten to the extent that I've left no stone
    unturned and no thought unanalysed.  There is just nothing more I can do."

    "OK," said Mr.  Humphrey, "I guess I will read this one."

    -- Cerberus Jokes -- From The Gates To Hades --

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 8. academic life - general
- 8.1 rules for research
- 8.2 rules for writing an article
- 8.3 academic life poetry
- 8.4 research quotes
- 8.5 publish and explanation quotes
- 8.6 In the classroom
- 8.7 graduate students
- 8.8 exams
- 8.9 love life
- 8.10 students
- 8.11 staff
- 8.12 remarkable academic institutes

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