## 3. CHEMISTRY

#### Subsections

- 3. chemistry - general
- 3.1 chemistry poetry
- 3.2 chemistry quotes
- 3.3 chemical puns
- 3.4 in the lab
- 3.5 chemical dictionary
- 3.6 chemists
- 3.7 elements
- 3.8 H20

### 3.7 ELEMENTS

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chemistry
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    From: Joachim
    Titanium is the nymphomaniac metal.  When it gets hot, it combines with
    anything.

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    From: Jason
    In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
    elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

    Limbaughium  Lb
    The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very
    white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements
    that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only
    morons.

    Billclintium  Bc
    With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a
    series of interesting changes when in hot water.

    Canadium  Eh
    Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often
    called Boron.

    Newtium
    Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess
    magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.

    Quaylium  Vp
    Einsteinium it ain't.

    Budweisium  Ps
    Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.

    Cabmium  Cb
    Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in
    motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter
    what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is
    variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for
    calculating it.

    Politicium  Po
    Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach
    lethal concentrations in the House.

    Congress Cg
    Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.

    Snot  Sn
    Bonds forever with corduroy.

    From: Blandford
    Goldsmitium Rf
    Trace amounts found all over country, but not in Europe. Toxic.

    From: Vincent Naydenov <VNaydeno@NRCan.gc.ca>
    Lewenskium Mo
    Bonds extremely well with Billclintium; inspite its effords, can never
    get Billclintium to secrete.

chemistry
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    From: lozinski@csugrad.cs.vt.edu (Joe Cool),
     Bobby H <bob@netxpress.com>

                             Man - A Chemical Analysis

    Element        : Man
    Symbol         : Ah (short for Arsehole)
    Atomic Mass    : Accepted as 70. May vary from 50-150 kg.
                   : Highly reactive at 150 or higher. (avoid at all costs)
    Quantitative   : Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length,
                     though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
    Discoverer     : Eve
    Occurance      : Found following duel element Wo, often in high
                     concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.

    Physical properties :
    1) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH  (any alcohol).
    2) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo
       (Snore ... zzzzz).
    3) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
    4) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
    5) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of
       the Wo commom ore.
    6) Tarnishes easily. Needs constant polishing and attention
    7) Crusty exterior but may be soft underneath.
    8) Naturally found in the crude state but may be purified
    9) Simple in structure.
    10)Often found in the gaseous state.
    11)Spontaneous polarity changes relative to surrounding specimens.

    Chemical properties :
    1) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is
       possible.
    2) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely
       favorable conditions.
    3) Usually willing to react with what ever is available.
    4) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existant to Pre-interaction effects
       (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
    5) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
    6) Great affinity for fatty substances.
    7) May react violently under pressure.
    8) Low boiling point, high melting point.
    9) Attraction to large quantities of iron.
    10)Poorly bonds with other substances.
    11)Pure substances are rarely found except when covalently bonded.

    Storage : Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate,
              25-35 for favorable reaction style.

    Uses    : Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night,
              general repairs, free dinners for Wo...

    Tests   :
    1) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted
       specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
    2) Appearance greatly improves when placed in a sports car.
    3) Easily titrates to yellow under stress.
    4) Never true blue.

    Caution : Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with
              reaction to a particular Wo specimen.  Otherwise very maleable
              under correct conditions.

    Woman - A Chemical Analysis

    Element       : Woman
    Symbol        : WO
    Atomic Weight : Accepted as 59, but known to vary 50-88.
    Discoverer    : Adam
    Occurance     :  Copious quantities in all Urban areas,
                     with slighlty lower concentrations in
                     Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to
                     seasonal fluctuations.

    Physical Properties

    1) Surface usually covered with sticks painted film.
    2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
    3) Melts if given special treatment.
    4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
    5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
    6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
    7) Undergoes inpredicatable spontaneous dehydrolyses (weeps).

    Chemical Properties :
    1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious
       Stones.
    2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
    3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
    4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
       alcohol to a certain point.
    5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
    6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

     Uses    : Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
               Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
               Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
               Can cool things down when it's too hot.

     Tests   : Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered
               in natural state.
               Turns green when placed beside a better
               specimen.

     Caution : 1) Highly dangerous except in experienced
                  hands. Use extreme care when handling.

               2) Illegal to possess more than one.

chemistry
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    From: Philip Clarke <clar0318@flinders.edu.au>
                                      C.O.S.H.H.
                        A Complete Service for the Assessment
                         and Control of Hazardous Substances
      --------------------------------------------------------------------
                        Hazardous Materials Data Sheet : MAN

      Analysis:	    	Has been going on for many years. No results yet
    available
      IMDG Code:    	Class 5, poss. 5105
      Element:          Man
      Symbol:           Bd (From the Latin 'Beerus Drinkus')
      Discoverer:       Eve
      Atomic Mass:      Average about 80kg but can go up to SMFB size (Super Mega-
                        Fat Bastard)
      Occurrence:       Large amounts found in close proximity to ethanol deposits
                        Smaller quantites found near refined petroleum deposits.

      PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
      1. Surface is usually rough and covered in a furry substance
      2. Boils in saturated solutions of ethanol, no known freezing point
      3. Melts if kept near domestic appliances but seems to have a high tolerance
         for direct sunlight, especially if doused in cold liquids
      4. Found in various grades from gem to v.poor. Amazingly if kept in prolonged
         contact with Wo (Woman) grade will tend to decrease

      CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
      1. Has great affinity for ethanol, animal fats and dirt
      2. Reacts badly to overusage - structure can break down
      3. If combined with low-grade Wo a massive explosion will result
      4. When combined with expensive foodstuffs becomes very malleable

      COMMON USES
      1. Very useful for small repair jobs but requires careful handling in case of
         spontaneous combustion
      2. Has an amazing ability to turn money into thin air

      TESTS
      1. Pure specimen is impossible to find but supposedly will co-exist with Wo
         indefinitely
      2. New sample will turn green in contact with large amounts of ethanol
      3. Old sample will turn reddish in contact with even larger amounts of
    ethanol
      4. Hard specimen will soften at sight of new offspring

chemistry
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    From: "John Gifford" <jgpotamus@hotmail.com>

    Tabloidium Recent research into certain improbable, not to say implausible
    events has forced the development of an explanation involving the existence
    of a previously unknown element.

    Research into the properties of the minerals maxwellite and murdochite has
    led to the conclusion that these can only be explained by the existence of
    a previously unknown element with some very curious qualities:

    * This hypothetical substance appears to dramatically increase the
      intensity of any reaction it comes into contact with, sometimes to the
      extent of causing unpredictable explosions.
    * If stimulated by a changing environment it fluoresces "negative
      light" spreading darkness all around itself.
    * All mathematics concerning this substance involve the lowest common
      denominator to an unfeasible degree.

    * The substance may be narcotic as exposed humans tend to adopt behaviours
      that are either actually or apparently (There is often confusion as to
      which.) socially unacceptable.

    This element has been tentatively christened “Tabloidium” and efforts
    are proceeding to fit it into the established periodic table without, at
    present any great success. One group of the research team feels that
    Tabloidium may be akin to the rare earth’s but with a common
    touch. However, a larger group suggests the creation of an entirely new
    group of elements, the “Ignoble gases” probably for want of a better
    idea.

    Sources of Tabloidium

    It is becoming apparent that Tabloidium is not actually scarce and it is
    remarkable that something so common could remain unnoticed for so long. It
    has been suggested that the elements almost complete lack of substance
    enabled it to escape the notice of those capable of rational thought until
    growing ubiquity thrust it upon the attention of the scientific community.

    The first major deposit to exploit the world (Another curious reversal.)
    was a large, near spherical lode of maxwellite believed to originate
    somewhere in central Europe. This remained the main source of Tabloidium in
    Britain until mismanagement led to a near melt-down. Disaster was only
    prevented by copious aqueous flooding leaving the deposit drowned to this
    day and the consequences of these regrettable events are still felt by
    those unfortunate enough to have been involved.

    Tabloidium is now chiefly sourced from a deposit of murdochite of
    antipodean origin. This source has the advantage that its refractory nature
    makes total melt-down unlikely. The disadvantage is that the integrity of
    the material (In the physical rather than the moral sense) makes it
    extremely difficult to separate out the toxic by-products present with
    tragic results in a number of cases.

    You might need to be a Brit for some of this.

chemistry
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                                 Chemical Winners

    From: Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us>

    Lightest element award goes to: Hydrogen.
    Most versatile award goes to: Carbon
    Most electronegative awards goes to: Fluoride.
    Most diamagnetic award goes to: Bismuth.
    Lowest thermal conductivity award goes to: Mercury.
    Most autistic element, being the most resistant to forming chemical bonds:
    Helium.

    From: wheeEler@tns.net (mike wheeEler)
    Dumb blonde element goes to: Platinum

    From: David Reihmer <simwah@mindspring.com>
    Third sexiest element goes to: Silicon
    Second sexiest element goes to: Tungsten
    Sexiest element goes to: Nylon

    From Joachim:
    Most noble element award goes to: Helium
    Most noble element in the subcategory metals to: Gold

    (continue anyone?)

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 3. chemistry - general
- 3.1 chemistry poetry
- 3.2 chemistry quotes
- 3.3 chemical puns
- 3.4 in the lab
- 3.5 chemical dictionary
- 3.6 chemists
- 3.7 elements
- 3.8 H20

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