## 2. PHYSICS

#### Subsections

- 2. physics - general
- 2.1 physics poetry
- 2.2 physics quotes
- 2.3 physics puns
- 2.4 pseudo physics (cat physics, cartoon physics)
- 2.5 new physical theories
- 2.6 learning physics
- 2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots)
- 2.8 physical proofs
- 2.9 physical one-liners
- 2.10 quantum mechanics (starring Schroedingers cat!)
- 2.11 relativity
- 2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer
- 2.13 physicists
- 2.14 astronomy
- 2.15 electrons
- 2.16 electro-magnetism and light
- 2.17 Newtons's laws and classical dynamics
- 2.18 thermodynamics
- 2.19 in the lab
- 2.20 strange but real findings
- 2.21 the buttered bread on cat problem

### 2.14 ASTRONOMY

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

physics
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    From: Edwin Spector <ems@lucent.com>
    Special Category: How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb

    Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

    1). Ten! One to change the bulb, and nine to argue how their own bulb
    gives better colour.

    2). None! Astronomers aren't afraid of the dark.

    3). See the FAQs
    "What sort of light bulb should I buy?"
    "Should I start with a candle?"
    "Where should I buy my light bulb?"
    "Where NOT to buy a light bulb."
    "What type of light bulb to avoid?"
    "What will I be able to see with my bulb?"
    "How do I deal with telescope-pollution?"
    "Can I buy a bulb for a friend?"
    "Can I use my bulb in the daytime?"

    From: Perry <perrycn@bitbucket.apci.net>
    4) FAQ addendums, approximately four pages, each:
    "The new microwave pumped plasma lamp vs. a bank of krypton incandescents
     for solar simulation experiments."
    "The red LED flashlight vs. the conventional flashlight with removable red
     filter."
    "The different light pollution filters and the lights they can filter."
    "Directed beams for convincing automatic streetlights that it is daytime."

    From: "Jim Szorady" <jszorady@tricomachine.com>
    A5:  5
    * one to measure it's black body radiation at room tempreature to verify it is
    totally dead.
    * one to lobby  government for money to buy another one.
    * one to write the environmental impact statement.
    * one to record the steps during the change for later publication in
    Scientific American.
    *one to shell out the money for a new one, because the government turned you
    down.

    From: Stephen Tonkin (news05footfrommouth@astunit.com)
    (Taken from the electronic bulletin of the Network of Student
    Physical Societies, 1994.)

    A: I thought astronomers used standard candles.

    A: Two: one to change the bulb, the other to complain about the light
    pollution.

    A: Only one, but you have to go to Hawaii to get the really good
    bulbs.

    A: Three, plus or minus seventy-five.

    A: Eight:
    1 observational astronomer to measure luminosity and redshift of bulb
    1 theoretical astronomer to calculate spherical co-ordinates of bulb
    1 departmental head to write to PPARC, for project funds
    1 astronomical engineer to design and build the bulb replacing
    satellite
    1 starling SIG programmer to write satellite control and data reduction
    software
    1 NASA mission control expert to arrange satellite launch and say
    "t-2 go for main engine start........" etc
    1 remote observer to manipulate the satellites arm once in elliptical
    orbit around light bulb
    1 Grad student to act as scapegoat in event of mission failure

    A: Four:
    A research student to sit around and not learn anything.
    His/her supervisor to explain how much harder it was to change light
    bulbs when he/she was a research student.
    An amateur astronomer to make sure it's a low pressure sodium light
    bulb with proper shading to reduce light pollution (right kids!).
    Some technical johnny to actual change the light bulb and generally
    keep the place running while the astronomers contemplate their NGCs.

    A: 10^8, because astronomers love really big numbers !

    A: None, they wouldn't change it because it ruins their night vision.

    A: What's a light bulb ?

    A: Four:
    One to actually change the darn thing.
    One to operate the CCD camera to measure the number of photons it emits
    whilst his friend operates the computer to do the task
    And another to complain about how the CCD is out of focus and how the
    light bulb actually looks like a polo mint.

    rom: Martin Frey (martinfrey@snipclara.co.uk)
    Subject: Re: [Humour] How many astronomers does it take to change a lightbulb?

    View this article only
    Newsgroups: uk.sci.astronomy
    Date: 2003-12-21 07:37:35 PST

    Stephen Tonkin <news05footfrommouth@astunit.com> wrote:
    A:Infinite

    1 says I'm new to this: what bulb should I get?
    1 says it won't be a proper bulb unless you make it yourself
    1 complains about the price
    1 says get it from the US
    1 says get it from supersaver BC&F
    1 says try 2nd hand as puts the old bulb onto UKAstroAds
    1 tries to collimate the overmantle mirror
    1 says the infocus rings are oval
    1 says collimation is impossible
    1 (Tonkin) says it's ridiculously easy
    1 goes off in a huff and buys a refractor
    1 says he's barmy and should buy an SCT
    1 discovers the bulb has already been sold on ebay
    1 says there is no lamp - it's all a NASA hoax
    50 say #*=£ off Min
    1 says I can't see the lamp because of the bloody Moon
    1 blocks any change in case the light helps top posters
    1 arrives too late because his watch is set to relative time
    1 finds gravity interaction of lamp and bulb scrambles his brain
    1 (from Selsey) is electrocuted trying to fit a candle
    1 actually changes the bulb
    1 immediately shoots it with his airgun/laser

    and from the top til ready

physics
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    From: John Steinberg
    Special Category: How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb
    How many astronomers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    Answer: Astronomers have no time for screwing!
    Answer: Light....ick!
    Answer: 3, one to hold the bulb, one to hold the receptacle and one to
    write the save Stellafane petition.

physics
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    Special Category: How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb
    Q: How many light bulbs does it take to screw up an astronomer?
    From: Mark Gingrich <grinch@rahul.net>
    I believe the official IDA version of this riddle poses the question
    as follows:

    Q: How many light bulbs does it take to screw up an astronomer?

    From: Perry <perrycn@bitbucket.apci.net>
    Q:   How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

    A1:  None, especially if it is burned out.

    A2:  One more than the number of people who vote to keep the street lights
    the same.

    A3:  One eloquent speaker at a town meeting.

    From: Dave Storey <dave@quik.demon.co.uk>
    A4: Just one, if he can shoot straight.
         (Can I get mounting rings to fit an air rifle on top of my 8"
    Schmidt-cass telescopic sight??).

         (Is it sporting to shoot off a field tripod, anyway?!)

physics
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    Special Category: How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb
    From: "Gareth Slee" <gareth.slee@ntlworld.com>

    How many news:sci.astro.amateur posters does it take to change a light bulb?

    Answer - 1343

    1 to change the light bulb and to post to news:sci.astro.amateur that the light
    bulb has been changed.

    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light
    bulb could have been changed differently.

    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

    27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

    53 to flame the spell checkers.

    41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

    109 to post that news:sci.astro.amateur is not about light bulbs and to please
    take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.

    203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and
    alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

    111 to defend the posting to this newsgroup saying that we all use light
    bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant.

    306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy
    the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
    technique, and what brands are faulty.

    27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

    14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected
    URLs.

    3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this
    list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

    33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers
    and footers, and then add "Me Too."
    12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot
    handle the light bulb controversy.

    19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

    4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

    1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
    47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it
    here.

    143 votes for alt.lite.bulb."

    From: jonisaacs@aol.com (Jon Isaacs)
    1 to shoot out the light bulb the next night.

    From: "Colin Dawson" <News@cdawson.tele2.co.uk>
    24 to complain about the light pollution caused by the light bulb.

    From: brian@zot.isi.edu (Brian Tung)

    137 people who write to complain about the secondary spectrum of the light bulb?

    From: "Jan Owen" <janowen1@cox.net>

    5 folks who made 4,532 posts to complain about false advertising of that
    secondary spectrum...

    From: Jim <jimh@bga.com>

    1 zetaspeaker to argue that there isn't a lightbulb, but...

physics
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    From: Stan Jensen
                          Other Names For "The Big Bang"

    The Bottom Turtle

    (infinity symbol)

    "That Point In Time When the Volume of the Universe Decreases to
    Approximately Zero, and Density Approaches Infinity, and the
    Combination of the Strong Nuclear Force and Electromagnetic
    Attraction Between Red and Blue Colored Quar-- hey Steve, can't
    we think up a nickname for this?!?"

    The Best Of Times, The First Of Times

    The Grand Opening Sale

    *Pop* Goes Existence!

    The Time, Space & Energy Factory Outlet Sale

        and the Number 1 Other Name for "The Big Bang"...

    Dude, Where's My Void?

    From: Ed Neuzil <76201.1460@compuserve.com>
    The Horrendous Space Kablooey
       --from "Calvin & Hobbes"

    From: Mike Simmons <eclipse99@mwoa.org>
    From Sky and Telescope's contest to rename the Big Bang a few years ago:

    A Celestial Party
    Allness
    A Steven Spielberg-George Lucas Production
    Beautiful Bounty
    Bob
    Bouquet of Beginnings
    Bursting Star Sack
    Creation of a Universal Dream
    Doink
    Go God!
    Hey, Looky There at That
    Hot Hurl
    Immense Blossoming
    Infinity Forever
    It's a Universe
    Jiffy Pop
    Leisurely Cosmic Expansion
    Let There Be Stuff
    OK, Fine
    Purse Opened to Reveal Universe
    Sigh of Eternity
    Stupendous Space Spawning
    Super Historic Change
    The Beginning of the Becoming
    The Crescendo of a Sound
    The Expanding Godhead
    The Instantaneous Beginning of Yesterday, Today,
    and Tomorrow
    The Outward Pouring
    The Primal Billowing
    The Whole Enchilada
    Well, I'll Be

    My personal favorite is "Hey, Looky There at That" followed closely by
    "Well, I'll Be".  Honorable mentions go to "The Whole Enchilada" and
    "It's a Universe."

    From: Peter Rabinovitch <Peter.Rabinovitch@Alcatel.com>
    The Colossal Kaboom
    (For James Ross Thompson, if you're out there)

    From: brian@zot.isi.edu (Brian Tung)

    What Happens If You Tell God a Joke When He Has Milk in His Mouth

    My Parents Went to PanDimensional InternexusCon, and All I Got Was
    This Lousy Universe

    Honey, I Blew Up the Cosmic Egg

    WASSSSSUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPP!

    From: Kerry Shetline <kerry@shetline.com>
    "Oops!"

    From: "Mario Mendes" <mariomendesREMOVETHIS@mediaone.net>
    Oh yes, yes, oh, yes, yes, yes, YES, oh God Yeeesssss, YEAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS,
    don't stop, oh god, oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yyyyeeeeeeeessssssssssssss, oh my
    that was good!

    From: John R Nickolls <nickolls@ihug.co.nz>
    "Hoyle's Folly", perhaps?

    or "Universes'R Us",

    or "What the heck was THAT!!!?"

    "Ready or not, here I come"

    From: "Rigellian" <orion83@nospam.2access.net>
    Do you mean to tell me that no one remembers the true story of the "Big
    Bang"?!

    Well....

    On the first day, God decided to use the "Big Bang" to create the Universe.

    Upon completing this task, God saw that it was good...

    And, as he started dancing around in the whole Universe, rejoicing in this
    great creation, the first word to come out of his mouth was: -

    "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"

physics
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    From: Chris Morton   (mortoncp@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu)
    do it collection

    From:Joao Batista(fbatista@cc.fc.ul.pt), rgep@pmms.cam.ac.uk (Richard Pinch)

    Special Category: Scientists do it...
    Astronauts do it above the atmosphere.
    Astronomers do it all night.
    Astronomers do it anually.
    Astronomers do it Charging, Coupling and Devising (CCDs).
    Astronomers do it cosmologically.
    Astronomers do it ellyptically.
    Astronomers do it hyperbolically.
    Astronomers do it in clusters.
    Astronomers do it in nebulae.
    Astronomers do it in the dark.
    Astronomers do it in voids.
    Astronomers do it in X-ways.
    Astronomers do it meteorically.
    Astronomers do it on mountain tops.
    Astronomers do it orbitally.
    Astronomers do it parabolically.
    Astronomers do it spectroscopically.
    Astronomers do it telescopically.
    Astronomers do it under the stars.
    Astronomers do it universally.
    Astronomers do it variably.
    Astronomers do it while gazing at Uranus.
    Astronomers do it with binaries.
    Astronomers do it with dwarfs.
    Astronomers do it with giants.
    Astronomers do it with lenses.
    Astronomers do it with light.
    Astronomers do it with lights out.
    Astronomers do it with long tubes.
    Astronomers do it with mirrors.
    Astronomers do it with sextants.
    Astronomers do it with stars.
    Astronomers do it with Uranus.
    Astronomers do it with Very Large Bottoms Interfeering (VLBI).
    Astronomers do it with young stars.
    Rocket scientists do it with higher thrust.

    From: Jim.Van.Nuland@sjpc.org (Jim Van Nuland)
     * SLMR 2.1a * Astronomers do it on mountaintops.

physics
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    From: slevy@ncsa.uiuc.edu (Stuart Levy)

    A column in the Astronomical League's "Reflector" some years ago
    reported a T-shirt worn at a Texas Star Party -- presumably by a solar
    observer -- that read

        Limb Darkening: Early Treatment Saves Lives

physics
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    From: "p" <foofoomonkey@hotmail.com>
    The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble
    photograph of distant galaxies colliding.  Of course, astronomers have had
    pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly
    improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can
    actually see lawyers rushing to the scene...

physics
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    From: Wayne Howell <whowell@gensearch.com>
    Not just an story--but a true event.

    About 15 years ago, several of us sat up our dobs in a shallow canyon
    about a mile outside the Marine Base at 29 Palms, CA.  We had them
    pointed towards the north to avoid the sun shining down the tubes--this
    also had them pointing towards the base.

    The week-end warriors were flying their exercises, and about mid-day, a
    jet roared up the canyon.  Apparently he spotted the scopes and thought
    they looked suspicious, because about 30 minutes later two helicopters
    came and hovered low over us, looking us over carefully.  After a few
    minutes of inspection, they flew off....but returned that evening, well
    after dark and lit us up, ruining our night vision.  Since they didn't
    fire on us, I guess we passed inspection!

physics
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    From: Jim.Van.Nuland@sjpc.org (Jim Van Nuland)

    True story!

    One of NASA's people came and talked to our astronomy club back when the
    Hubble was still on the drawing boards.  To better place the time, it was
    not much after the rings were discovered around that planet.

    A member asked if the HST would be able to observe the rings around Uranus.
    The NASA'er deadpanned "Not through the Earth's atmosphere!".

physics
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    Special Category: Top Reasons
    gemfindr@my-deja.com wrote:
                    A FEW REASONS WHY ASTRONOMY IS BETTER THAN SEX:
    10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in view.
    9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
    8. Nobody cares if you are ugly.
    7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you a view (thru
       their goto?).
    6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
    5. 40 years from now, you can still participate regularly.
    4. If you wear a Bill Clinton mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
    3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning, oohing and aahhing.
    2. Less guilt the next morning.
    1. ?

    From:   Sharon Curtis <scu@nickel.cs.stir.ac.uk>
    1. You can do it all night.
    From: Michelle Stone <litebkt@plettstone.com>
    1. You can experience multiple objects in a single session
    From: "dmbarr@erols.com (HJ)"
     <dmbarr@erols.com>

    1 there is less shame when purchasing the equipment
    From: "Deane W. Herbert" <Deane_Herbert@hotmail.com>
    1. The telescope isn't gonna make you pay child
    support for the next 18 years.

physics
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    Author:    Wayne Howell <whowell@gensearch.com>
    More years ago than I care to think about, back in the early days of
    on-line activity, there was a group of us that discussed astronomy on the
    old, old version of Prodigy (I still see some of their names here once in a
    while).  In those days, every posting was read by a censor prior to
    allowing it on-line......we had some real arguments over rejected postings
    because the censor that covered the "Outdoor Hobbies" area, where astronomy
    was covered, was _!!REALLY!! dumb!  She wouldn't allow any posting
    regarding Uranus (she once told me that she KNEW there was no planet with
    that obscene name), rejected any discussing about Saturn (no commercials
    were allowed, and our efforts to discuss Saturn were "thinly veiled
    attempts to promote automobile sales"), and when we tried to refer to
    Saturn as the "ringed" planet, she rejected those postings also as
    'inappropriate".  She suggested that it would be "more appropriate" to talk
    about 'rings' on the jewelry making board.

    I raised so much objection to her stupidity with Prodigy management, who
    backed her completely, that I (and several others) ended up getting kicked
    off of Prodigy!

physics
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    From: "Reece Watkins" <reecew@iwon.com>

              Reasons why sci.astronomy.amateur was blocked by CompuServe

    Well, after all, astronomers do post messages along the lines of:

    1) "Exactly how long is your tube?"
    2) "I need a friend to help me grind this thing..."
    3) "I want to get in a little naked-eye action."
    4) "What's the closest anyone's ever gotten to Uranus?"
    5) "You need a bigger unit so you can go deeper..."
    6) "What's the best way to mount a Short-Tube?"

    From: Rockett Crawford <Rockett@Audiotel.com>
    7) Reasons why smaller apertures are better...
    8) Are you going to shoot the Virgin tonight?
    9) She kept observing it as it rose higher and higher

    From: Anthony Ayiomamitis <plato32@attglobal.net>
    10)  "Mine is bigger than yours"
    11)  "Who says aperture doesn't count?"
    12)  "We do it in the dark"

    From: "Planetman" <planetman@vci.net>
    13)".....and all night long"
    14)  EYEGASMS!

    From: Dave Messer <dmesser@firsttech.com>
    15) "I use shower caps over the end of my 10 and 6 inch..., you will
         need the extra large size for your 12.5 inch."

    From: Rick Smith <ricardo9@ici.net>
    16) "Do you have your angle of the dangle correct?"
    17) "Viagra kept me going all night long!"

    From: Anthony Ayiomamitis <plato32@attglobal.net>
    18) "I love going deep ...."
    19) "The deeper the better"

    From: "Hans Scheepers" <hans.scheepers@nl.origin-it.com>
    20) "Aperture always wins"

physics
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    From: "alohacyberian" <alohacyberian@att.net>
    Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
    around the Sun.

physics
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    From: cberry@cinenet.net (Craig Berry)

    A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Gimme a Mexican beer."
    Instead of handing him a beer, though, the bartender starts shouting "Okay,
    everybody out!  Right now!  Out you go!" and herds everyone out into the
    street.  The solar physicist shakes his head sadly.  "Dang," he remarks,
    "should've seen that Corona mass ejection coming."

physics
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    From: Michael Dworetsky <mmd@star.ucl.ac.uk>
    Two astrophysicists are discussing their research in a bar one evening
    when a drunk who has been sitting and listening in at the next seat
    turns and says, in a very worried voice, "What was that you just
    said!!??"

    "We were discussion stellar evolution, and I said to my colleague here
    that the Sun would run out of nuclear fuel and turn into a red giant
    star in about 5 billion years, possibly melting the Earth."

    "Whew!!," says the drunk, "You really had me worried.  I thought you
    said 5 million."

physics
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    From: justpat@ten.tropretni (Patrick Di Justo)

    Oh, that's too easy.  This solar physicist walks into a bar and says
    the the bartender, "I'd prefer a cold Corona."

physics
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    From: Rob Z. <rzhome@ANTISPAMdallas.net>
    Q: How far can you see on a clear day?
    A: 93 Million miles...From here to the Sun.

physics
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    From: Gary Gullikson <garyg@e-world.net>
    * Eyepiece-Costs too much and you only get to watch!
    * Rack and Pinion-Medieval S&M apparatus
    * Objective-The bigger aperture that you have been saving-up for.
    * Objective-The lens that can never be big enough made covered with
      unobtainium.
    * Equatorial Mount-A racy latin dance similar to the Cuban Slide.

physics
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    Special Category: Edwin Hubble
    Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Hubble:
    There are two possibilities: One that the distance between the chicken and
    the side of the road that it was on before it crossed is expanding, and the
    other, that the distance is contracting, and will collapse on itself.

physics
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    Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
    From: John Steinberg
    Q: Why did the astronomer cross the road?
    A: Answer: NEAF Naglers!

physics
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    From: John Steinberg
    Q: What's an astronomers dilemna?
    A: Answer: A sale on Meades ETX

physics
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    Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
    Special Category: Carl Sagan
    From: "Lance Pittleman" <lpittleman@wi.rr.com>
    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Carl Sagan:
    There are billions and billions and billions of such chickens, crossing
    roads just like this one, all across the universe.

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    From:   announce <announce@wsf_su.org>
    ASTRONOMY LOSES "MAJOR SCIENCE" STATUS, SAYS WORLD SCIENCE FEDERATION

    [**** For immediate release]

    GENEVA (AP) January 25, 1999  --  In a surprising announcement, the
    World Science Federation said today that the field of astronomy will
    no longer be recognized as a major science along with the likes of
    physics and chemistry.  Instead it is being reclassified as a
    "trans-earth auxiliary scientific pursuit" according to a new taxonomy
    laid down by the WSF, the international scientific community's
    governing body.

    "This is a painful issue that we've been grappling with for some
    time," said Dr. Jean-Sven Johansson, president of the WSF.  "The study
    of the heavens has been considered a science since prehistoric times.
    But if it were just discovered today, with all we've learned in the
    intervening millennia, there's no way we would categorize astronomy as
    a major science.  It is too soft, too based on speculative theories,
    and too far removed from the everyday world."

    "[The reclassification] is a difficult but ultimately correct
    decision," read a supporting statement from the United States Council
    of Scientists.  "While we are sympathetic for practitioners of
    astronomy, we believe that the sanctity of science demands a more
    rigorous test for inclusion than merely a few centuries of tradition."

    The news is a bitter pill for astronomers to swallow.  For years they
    have endured derision from their colleagues in the so-called 'hard'
    sciences of physics, chemistry, and mathematics.  Only recently had
    astronomers believed they'd earned a measure of overdue respect from
    the broader community of scholars.  Stunning discoveries from the
    Hubble Space Telescope, plus new theories on the origins of the
    universe, had put astronomy into the forefront of public
    consciousness.

    The WSF's announcement changes all that.  While astronomy will still
    be studied in schools and research institutions, its practitioners may
    no longer refer to themselves "scientists".  No future Ph.D. degrees
    may be conveyed by accredited universities of science.  However, a
    grandfather clause allows current doctoral students to complete their
    studies and earn degrees within 18 months.

    Perhaps the most significant changes are in matters of protocol when
    scientists meet.  Astronomers will still be permitted to attend
    academic gatherings, but they must defer to official scientists in
    lectures, workshops, and buffet lines.  They must also refrain from
    displaying items that identify themselves as scientists, such as
    t-shirts or vanity license plates.

    Reaction to the WSF's announcement among astronomers was a mixture of
    disappointment and outrage.

    "I am very saddened by this decision," said Dr. Velikov Vonk, noted
    planetologist and author of the seminal paper 'On Renaming The Big
    Bang To Something More Dignified.'  "Astronomers have added much to
    the rich history of science and to our understanding of the universe
    around us.  I pray the WSF will reconsider."

    "It is disheartening, but not altogether unexpected," added Arpad
    Arkabaranan, a researcher at the University of New Jersey.  "Rumors
    have been circulating throughout the scientific community for several
    months.  Personally, I find it the pedantic act of a self-important
    panel.  It accomplishes little more than fostering confusion among
    schoolchildren and requiring countless textbooks and encyclopedias to
    be rewritten, all for the sake of purity of nomenclature.  Does the
    WSF not have any more important issues to worry about?"

    Other astronomers accepted the news with less equanimity.

    "Who died and left them boss?" fumed William McGilly, a propulsion
    engineer with NASA's Goddard Research Center.  "I wonder what science
    is next on their hit list.  If I were an anthropologist or a geologist
    or a cosmetologist, I'd be putting together my resume quickly."

    Dr. Johansson points out that astronomy has not been kicked out of the
    scientific club entirely.  Rather, it will become "auxiliary
    scientific pursuit #1", the first in a new category of demi-sciences
    under the WSF's revised hierarchy.  "We will rename astronomy as
    'trans-earth studies' to reflect its new status," says Johansson.  "We
    believe that after the disappointment fades, astronomers will be proud
    and excited to act as the trailblazers in this exciting new arena."

    Still, the WSF's announcement could not have come at a worse time to a
    field that was felt it was close to turning the corner.  Notable
    breakthroughs in coming years would have included the Mars Lander, the
    International Space Station, and the much-anticipated results of a
    joint Canadian and Japanese task force to develop a pronunciation of
    Uranus that would not make high school students giggle.  ("That was
    going to be huge for us," says Vonk forlornly.)

    The new classification takes effect on April 1st, giving astronomers
    precious little time to solve what might be their last problem as
    scientists.  For years, English-speaking children have been taught the
    phrase 'My very earnest mother just served us nine pickles' to
    remember the names of the nine planets in order.  ('My' stands for
    Mercury, 'very' for Venus, etc.)  If astronomers downgrade Pluto to a
    minor solar object as planned, possibly as their final act before
    losing their own official status, a new mnemonic will be necessary.
    The solution has eluded astronomers and linguists from around the
    globe.

    Ponders Arkabaranan:  "My very earnest mother just served
    us....nutmeg?  Nachos?  New England Clam Chowder?  Oh, poop!  Give us
    time, we'll think of something."

    [nps. Thanks to Mr. R.A. Lafferty for his assistance in this story.]

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    From: Ian Ellis <ian@iglou.com>
    Janet Reid was driving her daughter westward after the Malibu fires when
    the smoke in the sky made everything look surreal.

    "Ooh, Wendy, look at the sun," she told her daughter. "It looks like a big
    ball of fire."

    The 3-year-old preschooler replied: "It is a big ball of fire."

    -- from Los Angeles Times, Jan 13, 1997

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    From: mstueben@tjhsst.vak12ed.edu (Michael A. Stueben)

       Question: What is more useful: the sun or the moon?

       Answer:   The moon, because the moon shines at night when
                 you want the light, whereas the sun shines
                 during the day when you don't need it.

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    From: Erin Leonard (not:Mariella Wells) Merit <wellsm@hsdemo.merit.edu>
    Fortune teller: Do the stars and planets control our lives? No; the IRS
    maybe, but not the stars and planets.

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    Special Category: Nicolaus Copernicus

    From: Jan.Six@uku.fi (Jan Six)

    "It is a hypothesis that the sun will rise in the morning. This means we
    don't _know_ it will rise"
                                     - Ludwig Wittgenstein
    "Actually, now that you come to mention it..."
                                     - Nikolaus Copernicus

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    From: aaron@falcon.cc.ukans.edu (Aaron Hoyt)W

    Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches.

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    From: s232@brems.ii.uib.no (--Arild.)

    This has probably been around since Hubble (telescope not astronomer):

    Heard about the new hubble cocktail, it's expensive and when you drink it,
    everything looks fuzzy ...

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    From: "Valentine Germann" <v.germann@worldnet.att.net>
    Serious Astronomical Humor On The Net!

    Val Germann
    Central Missouri Astronomical Association

    Can anyone tell me if these two guys, Brothers Lance and Theodore, are
    around these days?  The messages below date from about three years ago but
    have lost nothing over the intervening time!

    Begin Quote:

    To Brother Theodore,

    If thou wouldst but recount thine own experience with refractive glass,
    'twould be of exceeding benefit to all--for knowledge increaseth
    understanding. For thine edification, Brother Lance would relate to thee an
    most perplexing recent incident:

    'twas on Solstice eve, when peaceful slumber was interrupted by unexpected
    appearance of three Spirits, in close temporal succession, into sleeping
    chamber. Spirit of Solstice past did remind Brother Lance of the simple
    pleasures afforded him by the three inch reflector of his youth. Spirit of
    Solstice present did shew to unto this humble Brother the seeds of
    discontent present in wandering eye of he that doth covet the seductive
    convenience of Schmidt-Cassegrain and Maksutov, or the "perfect image" of
    the refractor (an image obtainable, in truth, only through the unobstructed
    reflector).

    The final Spirit did prophesy of the great wickedness and depravity that
    followeth close upon such covetousness: an evil progression of foul
    catadioptric, APO (rotten to the core), CCD, Nagler, cyphering machine in
    conjunction with stepping motor (but one step short of perdition), digital
    navigator, and all manner of vile optical and mechanical corruption, such
    that Brother Lance did fall to his face and clutch at the feet of this
    Spirit, to forsake and foreswear all association with such optical
    abomination and mechanical Manicheanism.

    Next moment 'twas morning, and Brother Lance did find himself deliriously
    clutching at the foot of his Brother Dobson type telescope, and oft
    repeating the words "I'm not the amateur I was." Mayhap such delirium
    resulteth from consumption, on previous even, of many bottles of Brother
    Molson's Exceedingly Fortified Special Solstice-Celebration Hop
    Beverage--but thou never knowest.

    Leastwise, said Spirit hath renewed mine old conviction of the divine
    ordination of the reflecting glass, and mine erstwhile held belief in the
    absolute depravity of any optical instrument whose design doth deviate from
    the simplicity that dwelleth within our beloved Newtonian.

    Nevertheless, whether thine eyes are bathed in the pure Light of the
    Reflected Truth, or are temporarily confounded by inferior glasses, the
    Solstice doth signal the end of darkness, and the beginning of a slow but
    steady progression into Light.

    May ye all see the Light.

    Brother Lance
    ____

    To all:

    WARNING: Brother Lance is a member of a strange medieval brotherhood that
    zealously defends its choice of telescope: the Newtonian. He speaks at
    great length about the evils of refractors, Maksutovs, Naglers, Baker-Nunn
    cameras, CCDs, equatorial mounts, and any aspect of astronomy that goes
    beyond observing the sky through a simple reflector and a simple
    eyepiece. He's been known to bend the truth in defense of his
    doctrine. Today's target: the Schmidt-Cassegrain.

    Forsooth! Hither stands a one whose learning and illumination are most
    evident. The heavens rejoice at your return from the wickedness of the
    compound instrument and the refracting glass. Peace unto you, brother.

    Much instruction is gained through contemplation of the twofold heresy born
    of the unholy union between The Followers of Schmidt and The Order of
    Casse-grain. The fallen nature of this depraved cult is made manifest in
    the foul instrument through which these children of darkness attempt an
    understanding of the world that night doth reveal to those attuned to the
    mysteries thereof. The depth of their depravity is revealed in the devious
    means by which these scorpions attempt to cover up the optical wickedness
    and poisonous aberrations concealed within their evil cylinder. How the
    tube doth gleam in vainglorious attempt to please and distract the eye from
    the optical corruption hidden within. Yet, to the unwavering eye, how
    evident the iniquities of design and grievous inadequacies of
    manufacture--grave impediment to the important verities shewed by the
    Divine Radiance.

    And what host of wretched contrivances these creatures spawn, to facilitate
    the capture of Light, both sensible and insensible, upon sensitive plates
    (another heresy worthy of much comment). Their ingenious devices, which
    serve only to distract from the Observed Truth, are abominations: engines
    to counteract the natural and pleasing motion of the sphere of fixed stars;
    tiny mirrors in hollow tubes, with which they capture and imprison the off
    axis light of a lone star--not to more readily study the Truth contained
    therein--but only to guide the aforementioned engine, to restrain or
    advance its movement, whilst they pursue their false images.

    None of the holy treasures of the sky are safe from the perverse endeavours
    of these iconolators. Nay, not even the countenances of the Planetary Gods
    are sacred to these lost souls, intent on holding the Divine Light in their
    hands, or on their phos-phorescent screens.

    BLASPHEMERS!

    Sailors of the celestial seas consult charts, and rely upon age old
    traditions and intimate knowledge of heaven's shoals to wend their way among
    the luminaries. Not so the followers of Schmidt and Cassegrain. This nest of
    vipers hath concealed, deep within the bowels of their accursed double fork,
    ciphering machines of exceeding complexity, allied with their devilish
    enginery, allowing them to navigate midnight's ocean while yet remaining
    themselves rudderless.

    What manner of evil is contained within those forks? Verily, the pitchfork
    of The Enemy containeth fewer of the persuasive powers of perdition.

    Consider the injustice suffered by one who steadfastly leadeth a life of
    righteousness but, nonetheless, is turned away from Paradise at the last
    moment. Is not the situation similar in the case of the catadioptric
    abomination? Blessed Light, messenger of Truth, flieth through the aether on
    course straight and narrow, without regard for millennium upon millennium in
    her path. Mere inches short of her goal, she encountereth the refracting
    element, the passage through which rendereth the Light pregnant with false
    colour and foul aberrations.

    Her chastity is further sullied by the Evil One, whose gross form doth
    obstruct one third of the harbour toward which Lady Light is drawn. Dazed,
    she proceedeth on to the blessed reflecting element, whereupon she is not
    further confounded, but is greeted with warm, momentary embrace--her
    remaining purity preserved. Forthwith, she is sent back along her original
    path, and suffereth not one, but two more changes of course before the final
    necessary travail through the smaller refracting glasses. Brave Lady Light
    might endure three reflections and yet maintain her integrity; but in
    encounter with refracting element and looming bulk of the Evil One, none
    Light can prevail.

    I exhort the misguided multitude under the influence of the gravely mistaken
    catadioptric teachings to forsake their heresies, and abjure their
    compounding of errors. Partake of the glory that the reflecting glass doth
    reveal in friendly star, and subtle aspect of Wand'ring Fire, born high on
    gentle evening's bowl. And if on that even, by God's grace, the ocean of air
    be not troubled, but remaineth still throughout its depth, what marvels and
    glad tidings await those who stand with the Brothers of the Reflected
    Truth--in awe of the overarching magnificence we behold--eyes fixed upon the
    unblemished Light that proceedeth from our simple cylinders. We are content
    in the knowledge that brother Newton hath provided the means by which all
    Truth may be known. A scope within the grasp of even the lowest of men: a
    mirror in whose reflection we might gaze upon the face of Truth: a glass
    sufficient to reveal the luminous splendours and divers wonders that
    comprise the radiant complexion of the night.

    "Most assuredly, the Schmidt-Cassegrain doth suck!
    -- Aristotle
    -- Brother Lance

    End Quote

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    From: Kurt Foster <kfoster@rmi.net>
                          FUN FIRSTS DURING MOON PROGRAM
      Besides the dramatic firsts scored leading up to the moon landing - the
    successful docking, two weeks in space, first men to go beyond Earth
    orbit, etc - there are a number of other firsts that may not be getting
    the attention they deserve.
      Of course, Apollo VIII first discovered (or made it so) that the moon
    was made not of green cheese, but American cheese.
      But I have a vague recollection that during one of the Gemini space
    walks, they scored the first dirty (on the outside) window in space - the
    guy (White?) doing the space walk was using some gizmo that fired jets of
    gas, and it was causing something to be deposited in the window.  The guy
    inside the capsule said something like, "You're messing up my windshield,
    you dirty dog!"
      Also, I think it was one of the Gemini missions that scored the first
    corned-beef sandwich in space.  One of the astronauts (Grissom?), sick and
    tired of the usual "space food", decided to bring some REAL food on a
    mission, and smuggled a sandwich on board.  There were crumbs floating
    around in the capsule, and it smelled pretty strong, but nothing really
    bad happened.
      Anyone have more details on these, or other "fun" firsts on the road to
    the Moon?

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    From: "clem" <stompin@thesavoy.com>
    Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization...

    Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of
    the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the
    bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems. Within one-tenth
    of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your
    civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!

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    From: "João Batista" <jmnbatista@hotmail.com>
    (translated Portuguese to english; sorry about any mistakes/incorrections!)
    EXPLANATION OF A SUN ECLIPSE GIVEN AT A BARRACKS

    CAPTAIN TO SERGEANT:
    Tomorrow there will be a sun eclipse, so I have resolved that the company
    will be at the drill field in campaign uniform, where I will give
    explanations about the phenomenon, which does not happens every day. If it
    rains, though, the company will remain in quarters.

    SERGEANT TO CORPORAL:
    By orders of our captain, there will be a sun eclipse tomorrow in campaign
    uniform. The whole company must be present at the drill field, where our
    captain will give explanations about the phenomenon inside the quarters,
    which doesn't happen every day if it rains.

    CORPORAL TO PRIVATES:
    Tomorrow, there'll be a sun eclipse, which will give the necessary
    explanations about our captain. The phenomenon will go out in campaign
    uniform to the drill field, except if it rains in the quarters, which
    doesn't happen every day.

    PRIVATE TO RECRUIT:
    We'll go out tomorrow to a campaign in a sun eclipse that our captain's
    phenomenon fixed up to rain uniforms in the drill field. If it rains,
    though, the company will give explanations in quarters, which doesn't happen
    every day.

    RECRUIT TO FAMILY:
    Tomorrow will rain a sun eclipse in quarters, which our captain gave the
    company so the drill phenomenon will go to the uniform campaign. If it rains
    in the uniforms, which doesn't happen every day, we'll have to take the
    eclipse inside quarters.

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    From: harry@brain.jpl.nasa.gov (Harry Langenbacher)

                                Mars Observer Found

    Seen on a hall wall at JPL:

    (each letter appears to have been cut out of a magazine and pasted on
    the paper )
       we have your
     satelite if you
      want it back
     send 20 billion
       in martian
     money. No funny
       business or
     you will never
      see it again

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    From: "G - P" <G - P@GP.Com>
                     Required Scientific Behavior At Eclipses

    Here are a few tips intended to make your eclipse experience extremely
    memorable.  REMEMBER !!!:

    -  Focus your camera before taking photos.

    -  Take a flash photo (full face view) of  someone acting as
    "astronomer"  being very serious about trying to take a classic eclipse
    photo.  Do
    it  just as everybody shrieks "There's the corona!! Oh, its so
    BEAUTIFUL!!"
      -  Run around trying to wake up any roosting birds.  Claim they are
      missing a great experience.

    -  Wave a bright flashlight around. Hold it eye high and sweep it
    horizontally.  Try to see if it's dark enough to see flashes from bike
    reflectors, car taillights, etc. That will be fun (anyway, more than
    the science part of an eclipse).  Of course, you will undoubtedly catch
    many people directly in the face.  That's their problem.  IF anybody
    challenges you, tell  them you're doing research for Kodak on the Red Eye
    phenomenon and you need a crowd.

    -  Buy  a live rooster and take it with you to a popular observing
    site, binding its feet to keep it close by.  Put it up high like on a wall
    (or on someone else's telescope).  Call to it incessantly (Here Karl
    Friedrich Gauss Leghorn, LOOK LOOK!  Pretty soon you'll be getting sleepy.
    ACHTUNG !!  YOU DUMB CHICKEN!!   OH GOOD CHICKEN GOOD CHICKEN.  BAD CHICKEN.
    THAT's IT! )  Soon, you'll draw a crowd, all eager to watch how the
    rooster behaves during the eclipse.
    1.  As above, wait until it gets very dark, then take lots of flash
    photos of the rooster.  (How else WOULD you get a good photo in the
    dark anyhow ??)
    2.  Set up movie lights to better see the rooster (String a couple
    of long extension cords).  Of course, no one else will be able to see
    for 100's of meters, but so what?  And also of course the rooster will not
    notice the eclipse.  Scream at the rooster to go to sleep. It won't
    help, but will get you lots more attention.  After it's all over, give a
    press interview stating your name as someone else (DO NOT USE MY NAME!!!!!).
    Claim that this was an individually bad chicken.  Next eclipse you'll
    be back with an entire crate of them -- that will give you better
    statistics.
    Alternatively you can claim you have disproven hundreds of years of
    hearsay evidence about eclipse phenomenology -- and you now know that
    roosters don't notice eclipses!!!  Make sure they spell (whomever's)
    name right.
    -  Gape at the dark sky and scream.  "There's Mercury, there's Venus,
    there's Mars, there's Pluto. God, there's a new comet!!!  No! I saw it
    first." Keep acting like someone else is arguing with you about who
    saw it first.  Threaten them loudly that you'll call the police.
    -  Talk in a very loud voice.  Claim that all your previous eclipses
    were MUCH better because you were always on a cruise ship and those people
    were  so much nicer than these German tourist riffraff.  Tell them all how
    you hate being there but there were no cruise ships except on the Rhine,
    and you HATE the Rhine!!!  Keep this up for the entire eclipse. Pay
    someone else to agree with you, that they have had the SAME experience.

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    From: KALOTHI@cmsa.berkeley.edu

                         Better than Neiman-Marcus Cookies

    A few years ago I was touring the Jet Propulsion Lab and they showed me
    a prototype of the Hubble Space Telescope.  "Pretty cool machine,
    guys," I said, "but is there anyway us amateur astronomers can get in
    on this kind of action?"  They said yes, plans for the HST were
    available through the gift shop.  "How much?"  I asked.  They said
    "Fifty."  I said "Great!  Here's my American Express Plutonium Card!"

    I picked up the plans and went home, happy as a clam, until I got my
    American Express bill.  The total amount due was $50,119.00!  I figured
    the $119 must have been from one of these Northwest student ticket
    vouchers, but where was that $50,000 from?  Only then did I realize
    that JPL had charged me, no fifty dollars, but fifty THOUSAND dollars.
    Boy was I mad.  But it was too late to return the plans and get my
    fifty thousand dollars back, so I just chalked it up to experience.  But
    now I'm getting my revenge...  I asked the folks at the JPL copyright
    office if I could give the plans out to all my friends and they said,
    "Heck, why not?  What do we need with royalties?  Tell the world!"  So
    I've written up the key steps here.  Please post them to every bboard
    you can think of and mail them to all your friends.  Remember, if you
    break the chain you'll get seven years of bad sunspot interference.

    You will need:
    1 launch vehicle.
    126 "Master Constructor" Erector Sets(tm).
    1 Radio Shack(tm) Pro-2001 scanner.
    1 2-meter block of glass.
    1 box of aluminum foil.
    4 sheets of #20 (coarse) sandpaper.
    4 sheets of #150 (fine) sandpaper.
    2 children's magnifying glasses.

    (optional) filters and instrumentation as needed.

    Instructions:

      1.  Using the erector sets, construct a superstructure capable of
          supporting a 2-meter mirror and whatever instrumentation you will
          be using.  Make sure that the superstructure can survive the
          G-forces during launch.  Don't be tempted to skimp on the nuts
          and bolts here.

      2.  Using the #20 sandpaper, grind the block of glass until it takes
          on the shape of a convex mirror.  Be very careful in this step
          because if you get the shape wrong you'll have to start over
          again.  Use the #150 sandpaper to smooth out any irregularities
          and fix any minor problems with the focus.  Then melt the
          aluminum foil and vacuum deposit 1-2 atomic layers of aluminum on
          the surface of the mirror.  Mount the mirror in its place in the
          superstructure.

      3.  Mount the children's magnifying glasses at the focal point of the
          mirror.  These will serve as an eyepiece for your instruments.

      4.  Open the back of the Pro-2001 scanner.  There will be a 16-pin
          chip on the upper left of the circuit board labelled 1Y1169AV.
          Carefully clip out the fourth pin on the left and remove it from
          the chip.  This will convert your Pro-2001 scanner into the
          usually much more expensive Pro-2010 scanner with orbital
          transceiver capabilities.  Close the back of the scanner, check
          that the batteries are in place, mount it in the superstructure,
          and connect it to your instruments.

      5.  Make one last check of everything and you're ready to launch!

    This is a true story, every bit of it, I swear on my father's sister's
    grave.  Even if it isn't, I hope that you get as much use and enjoyment
    out of your home-built Hubble Space Telescope as I have from mine!

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Comment from a System Manager at the Space Telescope Science Institute
    (which didn't _build_ the Hubble, but operates it):

    Hmm.  Got the instructions for the mirror wrong.

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    "It's a good thing the guy in charge of naming galaxies was into chocolate
    bars and not Chinese food. Otherwise, the Milky Way might have been named
    Moo Goo Gui Pan, and who wants to have to learn about that ?"
      - Paul Paternoster

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    From: joneil@multiboard.com (Joseph O'Neil)

    Warning - only for those with a poor sense of humour like myself....

    The Anarchist Astronomer
    by J.P. O'Neil

    	IN an effort to stop my waistline from reaching 40 before I do, a
    list of "not recommenced" foods has been made up for me by my dear wife,
    sister and mother.  You know you are doomed when the three most important
    women in your life gang up on you.  Be that as it may, I also suffer from
    certain food allergies, and thus there is another list of "foods to avoid"
    I must now watch.  Cross reference these lists with foods that clog
    arteries or cause cancer or some other fatal malady and the only edible
    item left to me is cold oatmeal - provided the water used to cook it is
    free of E. Coli.
         Much modern like dietary wisdom, amateur astronomy is beset by rule
    that, in my opinion, take much of the fun out of the hobby.  We are all
    becoming much too serious and looking sight of the fun that can be had.
    For those who feel burnt out, I present my ten step program in reclaiming
    the fun in astronomy.  Now I must admit this point of view originates from
    a person who's sole claim to 15 seconds of fame is hosting an imaginary
    star party every couple of years, so take my advice with the proverbial
    rock of salt.

    1) Replace Seti with Cindy Crawford

    	Every time  a group of armature astronomers gather in a group
    larger than three, guess what happens?  Bragging rights over who has
    finished the most Seti At Home work units.   The way I see it, you
    have a bigger chance of winning the lott0 6/49 than discovering life
    out there.  Even if by some wild stroke of luck, you are the one to
    discover the real "ET", odds are the only thing that will happen is
    guys in dark suits form some secret government agency will raid your
    house, confiscate all your computers and shoot you up with weird
    psycotropic drugs thus destroying all short term memory.
    	So give it a break for a week or a month, go explore the
    Bikini of the Day web site until you get your feet back on the ground.

    2) Make Sure It's Too Big

    	About 15 years ago while observing  a couple of us stuck a
    32mm plossl in a 5.5", F3.6 Comet Catcher.  The result was an exit
    pupil of almost 9mm.  According to every published article on the
    subject, this exit pupil was too large and wasting light.   We also
    stuck with it all night as we discover oversized exit pupils are very
    comfortable on the eye.    In other words, to my sexist tastes, women
    look nicer in high heels, but flat soles are much more comfortable.
    So are oversized exit pupils.  Try it and see for yourself.

    3)  Observe Only On Fresh Sod

    	Think about this.  We all know the sky gods punish purchasers
    of new telescopes with rain and layers of new sod with clear skies, so
    if you place a new telescope on fresh sod you'll confuse the hell out
    of them.  In the ruckus that follows, a couple of clear nights should
    slip through.

    4)  Play Mind Games With Refractors

    	The more expensive refractor you have, the better this works.
    When setting up at a star party, aim you refractor at a suitable
    planet, pop in one of those 0.965" SR 4mm eyepiece and invite other
    amateurs to have a peek.  Act if all is perfectly normal.  If somebody
    asks for a better eyepiece, use a Huygens 8mm.    Offer the use of a
    nebular filter then screw in one of those ultra-danergour sun filters.

    5)    Gather Ye Both Stick and Stones

    	Are you at a star party that is just totally clouded out for
    the night?   If so, invite everyone to the main tent or main building
    for popcorn and a movie.   Then play "The Blair Witch Project".
    After everyone goes to sleep quietly place stick figures and small
    piles of stones around all the telescopes in the campground.

    6)  Swap Table Fun

    	This will not make you  make any money, but assuming you can
    keep a straight face,  have a hidden camera setup to to capture the
    expression on the faces of people as they see these items you have
    made up for sale:
    	- an optics cleaning kit consiting of 6 grades of steel wool
    and a tin of rubbing compound;
    	- "Make your own pitch kit" consiting of pine tree seeds and
    instructions on how to gather pitch off the tree when it is 20 years
    old;
    	- a home made split ring mount for a small newtonian that uses
    a toilet seat as the split ring;
    	- a set of plastic lenses out of a large screen projection TV
    labeled "world's most awsome plossl";
    	- a half dozen shaving mirrors labeled "20th of a wave or
    better!";

    7) Expand your Horzions Grasshopper

    	Tape as many episodes of the "Iron Chef" as you possibly can,
    then label all the tapes "Japanese Optical Crafting Techniques" and
    donate them to your local astronomy club library.

    8) Fight Light Pollution With Madness

    	Have all the members of your local astornomy club join the
    Druids.  Elect a  high priest, and register with the goverment as a
    bonafide charity and/or religion.  Next step is to build a henge,
    either surrounding your club observatory or surrounding an urban
    observatory.
    	Finally, when all in in place, sue city hall for not
    respecting your religious rights.  Go to all the medi and scream like
    a banshee how light pollution, installed and paid for by the city,
    prevents you form observing the stars from your Henge (aka Church) and
    thus prevents your religous rites of worshipping the stars.   The more
    new age psybabble you can mix into your press releases, the higher
    your public appeal will be.

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    From: J. Richard Jacobs (On the Science Jokes mailing list:
    http://www.egroups.com/group/sciencejokes
    A true incident that occurred on Monday, the 14th of February. In my class
    we were celebrating Galileo's birthday. The previous Friday I had given an
    hour long lecture on computing angular distances using star charts of the
    Mercator style.

    After the class sang Happy Birthday in Italian I asked the following:
    "All right, who here can tell me the distance from Betelgeuse to Procyon
    using your standard chart?"

    A hand shot up immediately and my chest swelled with pride. They had
    gotten it, I thought.

    "About an inch and a half," came the response.

    J. (embarrassed)

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    From: J. Richard Jacobs (On the Science Jokes mailing list:
    http://www.egroups.com/group/sciencejokes
    It is estimated that 3.71 X 10^10 "first-star-tonight" wishes have been wasted
    on Venus.

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    From: "Fco. Javier" <fjneicor@yahoo.es>
    Why Ms. moon has left  Mr. sun?

    answer.. Because he never wants to go out by the night with her..

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    From: "Olivier Staiger" <olivier.staiger@span.ch>
    >Several observatories have a no smoking policy in and around
    >the telescope and instrumentation as the smoke will coat the optics.

    Maybe it is to avoid "discovering" a new nebula ?

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    From: Dan McKenna
    Do Astronomers Smoke?
    Several observatories have a no smoking policy in and around
    the telescope and instrumentation as the smoke will coat the optics.
    On the other hand,

    You no doubt have scene the pictures of Hubbell at various telescopes with
    his pipe.

    I have watched people smoke at coude focus at two
    observatories. One time an observer plugged his heated "flight over all's"
    in to the 110 v when it was a 24v heater. The astro started
    screaming I am on fire!.. the telescope operator hit the e stop
    button which killed the power and wrote in the log book
    astronomer smoking at prime focus.
    A famous one is the French discovery of a potassium flare
    star. It turned out that they where lighting matches in front of the
    spectrograph while guiding in order to smoke. We ordered some
    french matches and reproduced the spectra as American
    matches didn't have the same spectra.
    Finally one observer at a 1 meter prime focus telescope that was
    in a tube, dropped his pipe down on the mirror cover.
    He lowered the telescope and sent his kid down the tube to
    recover the pipe and when the kid passed the balance point
    the telescope swung to zenith trapping the kid in side.
    the day crew had to winch the scope to the horizon so the
    kid could crawl out.

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    From: "Paul" <i_don't_like_spam@vegetarian.com>

    The Onion, 10/4/68 "Hippies, NASA Race for Moon."

        The space race between NASA and the hippies is more heated than ever,
    with both of the astronautic super-powers vying to be the first to land a
    man on the moon. "NASA will win the race to the moon, and the world will
    see a United States astronaut, not a longhair, walk on the moon before the
    turn of the decade," Apollo 10 Mission Director Gus Lance said Thursday.
        Despite NASA's confidence, hippie-space-program sources report that the
    moon will be within their reach in mere months. "Freakonauts have already
    outdistanced NASA in their high rate of success with manned missions
    throughout the Tibetan Book of the Dead and cosmic voyages Beyond Total
    Awareness," said Freedog Osmosis, head of the prestigious Haight-Ashbury
    Center for Astraldynamic Research. "And current missions are flying higher
    than ever. Take me, for example. I'm sitting right in front of you. Yet,
    even as we speak, I'm orbiting at tremendous altitudes." "We are 12 to 16
    weeks away from having all the vibes in place to launch, orbit and land a
    hippie on the moon," Osmosis said, "as well as to return him safely to a big
    oversized floor pillow after wear-off and subsequent crashpad re-entry
    burn."
        With the Lunar Excursion Module proven flightworthy in recent Apollo
    test missions, it is only a matter of time, NASA scientists argue, before
    they win the race to the moon. However, hippies say, a NASA victory in the
    space race is by no means certain. "From such early victories as the Byrds'
    historic eight-mile-high test flight above San Francisco Bay to recent
    trips by The Rolling Stones as far as 60,000 light-years from home, it's
    clear that our radical, substance-based approach to space travel boasts
    significant advantages over NASA's more conservative methods," said
    spacecadet hippychick Raven Transcendence. Trancendence added that the
    hippie space program also enjoys a clear economic advantage over NASA:
    While the cost of a NASA lunar mission is estimated at $600 million, the
    hippie space program, she said, can reach the moon with just a dime bag.
        Hippie space exploration, however, has not been without its
    setbacks. In June, shortly after setting his controls for the hear of the
    sun, Floyd Commander Syd Barrett lost control of his 50-milligram capsule
    and veered wildly off course. According to hippie scientists, he is
    currently lost somewhere near Neptune. The scientists project that the
    Floyd program will not match NASA's Apollo 8 orbit of the dark side of the
    moon untill the mid-1970s. "Yes, hippie space travel does have its
    problems," Osmosis said.  "The severe crash-and-burns that follow intense
    spaceflight can be devastating, and launch windows are dependent on the
    week-to-week booking schedule at the Fillmore West. Nonetheless, we have
    repeatedly reached the Sea of Inner Peace and Sea of Undulating Joy-Vibes,
    and we're confident that a flower child will touch down on the Sea of
    Tranquility soon, certainly no later than the big Woodstock festival next
    summer."

    "Our Dumb Century, 100 Years of Headlines from America's Finest News
    Source" Three Rivers Press

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                                    Stargazing Tips

    From: "Brian Larmay" <brileau@earthlink.net>

    Heres something I found in the Onion newspaper...
    This belongs in Bad astronomy, but humor is the main point here, soo....

    Be in the know of which stars are hot and which are not..Betelguese: Hot,
    Rigel: Not.
    Polaris Hot, Pleiadies: Not.

    If the evening you choose to take your kids stargazing is overcast,
    maintain their interest by announcing that it is an extremely rare eclipse
    of everything.

    Though astronomyis a relativly safe hobby, keep in mindthat stars are very,
    very hotand will burn for millions of years if unatennded.

    Remember of learning the ABC's of leaning about constellations: Always Be
    learning about Constellations.

    When contemplating the ineffable grandeur of the universe, nothing sets the
    mood more quite like the airy, transcendant synthesizer sounds of Vangelis.

    Do not gaze directly at white-hot star Kate Hudson. Instead, poke a pinhole
    in a sheet of paper, and lookat Hudsons outline on another sheet of paper.

    Some may scoff at the hobby of astronomy, but sitting in an empty field in
    the middle of winter is a great way to see tiny little dots.

    Name your baby after a constellation, no one has done that before.

    Locate the Virgo cluster. Is it still there? Good....your like the cop of
    the universe!

    Remember: Galileo was an astronomer, and they threw his #$! in the clink.
    Exersize caution.

    Theres one star easy to find, you will have to wait for daytime though.

    Next time you go stargazing, bring a girl along. Set up in a field far from
    the city lights and take turns looking through the telescope.Then when the
    right moment comes, kiss her, Kiss her!  Dont let the opportunity pass you
    buy-it may never come again! Kiss her!

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    From: Stan Jensen
                                 Astronomer Pet Peeves

    There's a Libra you'd really like to get to know better, but with Mars
    going retrograde in your house of love, you should play it safe for
    now. - "No, that's astrology, not astronomy.  Now put the tarot cards
    away."

    When Mistress Cleo fails to correctly foresee the location of the
    planets orbiting Cygnus X1.

    Klingon/Uranus joke gets real old real fast.

    Everyone *has* to snicker when you say "Uranus."

    There are places where you can get Thai takeout delivered at 3:00 AM.
    There are places where telescopic viewing conditions are best. These
    are *never* the same place.

    When comparing telescopes, it's really hard to pretend that size
    doesn't matter.

    For the last time, "Dude," you can *not* pick up "bitchin' tunes" with
    a radio telescope!

    They get Jodie Foster to play one of us in the movies, then she's
    nailed by some preacher!

    The next bureaucrat who refers to my budget as a "black hole" gets a
    transept right between the eyes.

    Cat-loving astronomers that name new stars "Snowball" and "Mouser."

        and the Number 1 Astronomer Pet Peeve...

    Crab Nebula?  Sure.
    Horsehead Nebula?  You betcha!
    Naked Cheerleader Nebula?  Still searching.

    From: Bill Foley <w.foley.poot@verizon.net>

    "Oh, how FAR can you see with that telescope?"
    "Great picture of the Big Dipper!  What flash did you use?"
    (by the way, on a Barney video, the Big Dipper was a constellation,
    NOT an asterism)
    "You can't see that chart with that little red light, here, let me shine
    my 5-cell on it for you."

    From: rwh56@aol.com (Rwh56)
    Driver of large pickup with floods ablaze:  "Hey you, whatcha looking at?"

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    From: "Cerberus - The Dog Of Hell"

#### The Theologian and the Astronomer

A theologian and an astronomer were talking together one day. The astronomer said that after reading widely in the field of religion, he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single phrase. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," he said, with a bit of smugness, knowing that his field is so much more complex. After a brief pause, the theologian replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also. "Oh, and what is that?" the astronaut inquired. "Twinkle, twinkle, little star; how I wonder what you are!"

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    From: Esmail Bonakdarian <e_bonak@yahoo.com>

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal
    and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.  Some
    hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up
    and tell me what you see."

    Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

    "What does that tell you?"

    Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are
    millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

    Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

    Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
    three.

    Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and
    insignificant.

    Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day
    tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"

    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.  "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk
    has stolen our tent."

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    From: Wayne Watson <mtnviews@earthlink.net>
    A George Carlin joke

    Astronomers announced that next month the sun, the moon, and all nine
    planets will be aligned perfectly with the earth. They say, however, the
    only noticeable effect will be that the Nome to Rio bus will run four days
    late.

physics
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    From: Wayne Watson <mtnviews@earthlink.net> A George Carlin joke

    According to astronomers, next week Wednesday will occur twice. They say
    such a thing happens only once every 60,000 years, and, although they don't
    know why it occurs, they're glad they have an extra day to figure it out.

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    From: "Paul S. Walsh" <filmdos@nwlinkkillspam.com>

         Why Hamlet is bad for astronomy

    To go, or not to go: that is the question:
    Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
    The barbs and flames of outrageous threads,
    Or to take arms against a sea of threads,
    And by cross-posting end them? To lie: to lurk;
    No more; and by a killfile to say we end
    The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
    newsnet is heir to, 'tis a consummation
    Devoutly to be wish'd. To lie, to lurk;
    To lurk: perchance to learn: ay, there's the rub;
    For in that lurk of death what threads may come
    When we have shuffled off this portal web,
    Must give us pause: there's the download
    That makes calamity of so long winter;
    For who would bear the whips and scorns of saa,
    The observers wrong, the luddite's contumely,
    The pangs of despised goto, the light's delay,
    The insolence of Shawn and the Vols
    The patient merit of the unworthy pukes,
    When he himself might his quietus make
    With an LX200? who would tripods bear,
    To grunt and sweat under a telrad,
    But that the dread of something after dawn,
    The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
    No stargazer returns, puzzles the will
    And makes us rather bear those scopes we have
    Than fly to others that we know not of?
    Thus the mafia does make cowards of us all;
    And thus the native hue of resolution
    Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of a bad coating,
    And telescopes of great aperture and mount
    With this regard, tube currents turn awry,
    And lose their resolution.--Soft you now!
    The fair Ophiuchus! Nymph, in thy horizons
    Be all your stars remember'd.

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    From: METHEFOZ@aol.com

    This is my original.  I am really interested in astronomy and my hero is
    Carl Sagan.  So, I thought I would invent a joke that even he would have
    laughed at.  So, here it is:
     A young astronomer came rushing into the office of the head astronomer and
    announced:
      "Sir!  I have just spent the last 6hrs at our telescope and have made an
    astonishing discovery!  However, there is good news, and bad news!"
     The old astronomer, naturally, asks: "What is the good news?"
      "I have just discovered a new galaxy, that has just appeared, and is only
    14 light years away from our own!", replied the young astronomer.
      "My God, that's fantastic, that's wonderful, amazing, etc. What bad news
    could there possibly be about that?"  The old astronomer quieried.
      The young astronomer replies, "Sir, it's BLUE!"

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    From: Joachim Verhagen.
    Special Category: Famous last words
                                 Famous last words

    Astronomer:  That asteroid does not hit the Earth.

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    Special Category: quizes and tests to do
    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>

                                 Astronomy Test 1

    Test your knowledge of astronomy by putting one of the astronomical terms
    listed below into each blank.

      1. I don't want NASA to ____________ its budget again.

      2. Leave my girlfriend alone! ____________ down this instant!

      3. "Where did you put the book?" "____________ the table there."

      4. When an astronomy problem is not clear, it is ____________.

      5. If you want an astronomical experiment to succeed, you have to
    ____________ carefully.

      6. An astronomy grad student who packs things in boxes. ____________

      7. The cow is bigger and heavier, but is it ____________ too?

      8. My pet dog got run ____________ by a truck yesterday.

      9. Platitude ignored by kindergartners. ____________ share alike.

    10. What to look for when checking for foot frostbite. ____________

    11. A ditty to put you to sleep. ____________

    12. That road accident made ____________ mess.

    13. It's not his shell, it's ____________.

    14. "Am I far from it?" "No, you're ____________."

    15. Sign on NASA scientist's door: "Out to ____________."

    16. My pen just ran out of ____________.

    17. ____________ up! We're waiting for you!

    18. This has to be ____________ boring astronomy lecture yet.

    19. ____________ he coming to get us?

    20. He was the ____________ survivor of the rocket explosion.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    a) Ariel           f) Halley           k) Neptune         p) Pluto
    b) Charon          g) Herschel         l) Nereid          q) Sol
    c) Crater          h) Jupiter          m) Nova            r) Titan
    d) Deimos          i) Launch           n) Oberon          s) Vega
    e) Encke           j) Meteor           o) Planet          t) Venus

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    Special Category: quizes and tests to do
    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>

                                 Astronomy Test 2

         Test your knowledge of astronomy yet again by putting one of the
    astronomical terms listed below into each space.

      1. When astronomers sing, they do so a ____________.

      2. Incorrect past tense of "to know." ____________

      3. __________, I guess we won't be able to see Pluto tonight after all.

      4. In photographic astronomy, the presence of the Moon will  ____________
    of the problems.

      5. The astronomer who mixed rye whiskey with jello got ____________.

      6. The drink made from crushed insects. ____________

      7. What astronomers take as a cure-all. ____________ oil.

      8. An astronomer who kepples. ____________

      9. Galileo's discovery of Jupiter's moons must have been a real
    ____________ -opener.

    10. Where astronomers get married. ____________

    11. Embezzling astophysicists are a bunch of ____________.

    12. The day after the famous astronomer died, his ____________-uary
    appeared in the newspapers.

    13. The correct phrase is "stone it", not "____________!"

    14. The Astronomer King lives, naturally, on the asteroid __________.

    15. "Fred is an excellent hedge trimmer." "Yes, ____________ them into
    interesting shapes."

    16. Astronomers and baseball can mix, witness the World ____________.

    17. That observatory is ugly. It ____________ the whole landscape.

    18. Explaining the ocean's motion left many astronomers fit to be ____________.

    19. The Great Bear was shot with Celestial Tranquilizer to ____________ down.

    20. If the bull had caught us, it would have ____________ apart!

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    a) Altair          f) Comet            k) Kepler          p) Pallas
    b) Betelgeuse      g) Cosmos           l) Lowell          q) Rigel
    c) Capella         h) Crux             m) Mars           r) Rocket
    d) Castor          i) Eclipse          n) Node            s) Taurus
    e) Ceres           j) Io               o) Orbit           t) Tide

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
      After extensive investigation by both the Russian and US space agencies,
    spokesmen from both organizations announced that they have determined the
    cause for the accident which has placed the station and its resident
    personnel in jeopardy. In a terse statement at a recent press conference,
    Soviet and US space agency spokes persons said Thursday: "We have concluded
    joint investigations concerning this potentially tragic accident and each
    nation's team, separately, has arrived at identical conclusions for this
    incident. The accident was caused by one thing and one thing only:  ...
    Objects in mir are closer than they appear!

    For non-americans:
    The pun is a play on the statement found on side automobile mirrors in the
    US which state that "objects seen in mirrors are closer than they appear."

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    From: "nemo" <nemo@naughtylass.wet>
    Two astronomers. One is looking through the telescope and the other is
    standing next to him.

    Astronomer No. 1: Hey! I can see Uranus!

    Astronomer No. 2: That telescope must be a funny shape!

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>, puns of the weak
    Meteorite: A space chip (Michael Driscoll)

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>, puns of the weak
    How is the astronomer doing?
    Things are looking up. (Mike Benny)

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>, puns of the weak
    Did the astronaut like the restaurant on the moon?
    He thought the food was fine but there wasn't much of an atmosphere!
    (Kayla, 10)

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>, puns of the weak
    Does it snow on Pluto?
    No, not if Mickey lets him inside!  (Taylor, 11)

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 2. physics - general
- 2.1 physics poetry
- 2.2 physics quotes
- 2.3 physics puns
- 2.4 pseudo physics (cat physics, cartoon physics)
- 2.5 new physical theories
- 2.6 learning physics
- 2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots)
- 2.8 physical proofs
- 2.9 physical one-liners
- 2.10 quantum mechanics (starring Schroedingers cat!)
- 2.11 relativity
- 2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer
- 2.13 physicists
- 2.14 astronomy
- 2.15 electrons
- 2.16 electro-magnetism and light
- 2.17 Newtons's laws and classical dynamics
- 2.18 thermodynamics
- 2.19 in the lab
- 2.20 strange but real findings
- 2.21 the buttered bread on cat problem

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