## 3. CHEMISTRY

#### Subsections

- 3. chemistry - general
- 3.1 chemistry poetry
- 3.2 chemistry quotes
- 3.3 chemical puns
- 3.4 in the lab
- 3.5 chemical dictionary
- 3.6 chemists
- 3.7 elements
- 3.8 H20

### 3.1 CHEMISTRY POETRY

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chemistry
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    From: Uncle Al <UncleAl0@ix.netcom.com>
                          THE CHEMIST'S SONG

    Sung to the tune of Monty Python's "I'm a Lumberjack and I'm Okay."

            CHEMIST                            CHORUS

    I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
    I sleep al night and I work all day.     He sleeps all night and he works
                                                                     all day.
    I clean my flasks, I read my JACS,       He cleans his flasks, he reads
                                                                     his JACS,
    I do reactions well.                     He does reactions well.
    Someday I'll be unlucky                  Some day we'll all be lucky
    And blow my self to Hell.                And watch him blown to Hell.

    I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
    I prowl the library all day.             He prowls the library all day.
    The articles that I could use            The articles that he could use
    Are gone when they're in need.           Are gone when they're in need.
    If I were a bookbinder,                  If he were a bookbinder,
    I'd have them all to read!               He'd have to learn to read.

    I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
    I sleep all night and I sleep all day.   He sleeps all night and he
                                                                sleeps all day.
    I like my work, I like my profs,         He hates his work, he hates his
                                                                         profs,
    I go to seminars.                        He sleeps through seminars.
    When I do any research                   The Boss can take his research
    I just wind up with tars.                And shove it up his arse.

    I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
    I work all night and I work all day.     He works all night and he works
                                                                      all day.
    I rotovap, distill it off,               He rotovaps, distills it off,
    Do chromatography.                       Does chromatography.
    I think that by tomorrow                 We think that by tomorrow
    I'll have some THC.                      He'll have some LSD.

    I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
    I work all night and I sleep all day.    He works all night and he
                                                               sleeps all day.
    I do my work, I teach a class,           He does his work, he teaches class,
    I earn another buck.                     He earns another buck.
    There's one girl in my section           There's one girl in his section
    I'd surely like to fail.                 He's never gonna fail.

    I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
    I sleep all night and I work all day.    He sleeps all night and he
                                                                 works all day.
    I used up all the ethanol,               He used up all the ethanol,
    I don't know where it went.              He don't know where it went.
    Now I can't work for six weeks,          Now he can't work for six weeks,
    The stockroom's closed for Lent.         He's drying out in Trent.

    I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
    I work all night and I sleep all day.    He works all night and he
                                                                sleeps all day.
    I make bad smells, I produce tar,        He makes bad smells, produces tar,
    I spend the bosses grant.                And spends the boss's grant.
    I tell him I'll make progress            He tells him he'll make progress
    And work so hard I'll pant.              Although he really can't.

    I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
    I sleep all night and I sleep all day.   He sleeps all night and he
                                                                 sleeps al day.
    I work with nasty chemicals,             He works with nasty  chemicals
    They really make a stink.                That really make a stink.
    I use the waste containers               To clear a room is easy,
    And never use the sink.                  He pours them down a sink.

    I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
    I phone all night and I phone all day.   He phones all night and he
                                                               phones all day.
    I buy up stocks, invest in bonds,        He buys up stocks, invests in
                                                                        bonds,
    And sell commodities.                    And sells commodities.
    And when the Market's slumping,          And when the Market's slumping,
    I live in poverty!                       He does his chemistry!

chemistry
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    From: nelson@cs.rochester.edu

    For non cesiophiles, cesium is the most electropositive element known,
    and as such has merited its own newsgroup alt.cesium.  It has a number
    of unique properties:

      o   It explodes violently on contact with water.

      o   It burns with a brilliant blue flame - the name cesium derives
          from the sky-blue lines in its spectrum.

      o   It's hydroxide (what is left after it is finished exploding with
          water) is the most powerful base known, and will eat through
          glass.

      o   It is used as the central component of cesium-beam clocks, the
          most accurate time pieces in existence.

      o   When consumed over a period of time, it produces a characteristic
          mania.

    The following songs were posted to news:alt.cesium over a period of several
    weeks.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                SONGS OF CESIUM
                          Translations from the Cesish

    Translator's note:

    The ancient manuscripts from which these songs are derived are
    fragmentary, and consequently the accuracy of the following
    translations must be taken with a grain of Cesium Chloride.  In places,
    the translator has filled in gaps to the best of his ability using
    available knowledge about the culture and traditions of ancient Cesia
    much of which, is itself controversial.  Legitimate questions may
    certainly be raised, see for example, the comments on #117.  To aid in
    perspective, the songs are presented in the order in which they were
    translated, rather than numerical order, as the translator learned much
    during the process of translation.  The effort is an ongoing process,
    as the collection of available fragments is vast; and new translations
    may be added to this catalogue periodically.  For now, Enjoy, Sing, and
    Hail Cesium!!!  RN

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Oh Cesium
    (Tune, Oh Christmas tree)

    Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
    Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.
    Thy sky-blue lines in plasma's fire,
    Do dreams of icy lakes inspire.
    Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
    Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.

    Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
    When held, you never freeze-ium.
    Thy gently smoking silver spheres,
    When dropped in water, please the ears.
    Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
    When held, you never freeze-ium.

    Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
    You put us at our ease-ium.
    You tend the seconds of the day,
    So that our watches never stray
    Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
    You put us at our ease-ium.

    ---Songs of Cesium #34

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I Wish I had a Pound

    Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.
    Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.
    I would take it in the shower,
    And I'd glory in its power.
    Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.

    ---Songs of Cesium #111

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Cesium

    Cesium, 'tis of thee,
    Thy 'positivity,
    Of thee I sing.
    Thou whose hydroxide, dis-
    solved my wife when she died,
    Glorious too, for suicide,
    Here, death, is thy sting.

    ---Songs of Cesium #65

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Cesium the Beautiful

    Oh beautiful for blue of skies,
    Among thy spectral lines.
    When cast upon the waters clear,
    Thy splendid fire shines.
    Oh Cesium,
    Oh Cesium,
    Our days we trust to thee.
    Thy faultless rhyme,
    In keeping time,
    From care doth set us free.

    ---Songs of Cesium #68

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Cesium (Burning in the Dead of Night)
    (Tune, Blackbird)

    Cesium burning in the dead of night.
    Take your sky blue lines and start to shine.
    All my life,
    I was only waiting for the moment you were mine.

    Cesium burning on a lake of ice.
    Lift your glorious flame up to the skies.
    All your life,
    You were only waiting for some water to arise.

    Cesium burn.
    Cesium burn.
    Give your light to this coal black night.

    --- Songs of Cesium #133

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Why Don't We Mix Up the Two

    (Tune, "Why don't we get drunk..."
    with apologies to Jimmy Buffett)

    I've got a pound of Cesium,
    It's burning gently near.
    The sky-blue flame looks lovely,
    But it's noise I want to hear.
    So darlin' bring some water,
    A couple pints'll do.
    And why don't we mix up the two?

    Why don't we mix up the two?
    'Cause Cesium and water,
    Really make a wicked brew.
    You say I've got a death wish,
    But honey, I'm just blue.
    So why don't we mix up the two?

    ---Songs of Cesium #29

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Yesterday

    Yesterday.
    I had Cesium with which to play
    Now all my fingers have been blown away.
    By cesium, since yesterday.

    Yesterday.
    Her sky blue flame appeared to light my way.
    Now the world seems so cold and gray.
    My eyes are dim since yesterday.

    Why she had to blow,
    I don't know,
    They wouldn't say.
    I used water wrong,
    And my skin dissolved away.

    Yesterday.
    Her path seemed such an easy way.
    Now I know that there's a price to pay.
    Oh, I believed just yesterday.

    ---Songs of Cesium #117

    Soon after the publication of the above translation
    A mysterious monkey paid a call and pointedly insisted
    that the translation of SOC #117 (Yesterday) from the Cesish was seriously
    flawed, particularly in the second stanza, and offered a corrected
    version, which I supply without further comment.
    RN

    Yesterday

    Yesterday,
    I had Cesium with which to play.
    Now all my fingers have been blown away.
    And silence reigns since yesterday.

    Suddenly,
    I'm just half the man I used to be.
    I have no eyes with which to see.
    My legs have parted company.

    Why she had to blow,
    I don't know,
    I can only say.
    Something went awful wrong,
    In the waterbed where we lay.

    Yesterday,
    Her sky blue path seemed such an easy way.
    Now I know there is a price to pay.
    Oh, I believed just yesterday.

    ---Songs of Cesium #117(b)

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    'Lectropositive Mama
    (tune, Lady Madonna)

    'Letropositive mama,
    Cesium on your meat,
    Wonder how you manage,
    To stay on your feet.

    How d'ya stand the smokin'?
    How d'ya 'bide the flame?
    Do you think that life's just
    A burnin' game.

    Monday night your hunger's a blue fire,
    Tuesday morn' you're cookin' 'fore the sun.
    Wednesday rain, you're only flamin' higher,
    Having your fun.

    'Lectropositive mama,
    Cinders in your curls,
    No way can compare you,
    To ordinary girls.

    Likin' the explosions,
    Rock you on your seat.
    How can any woman handle
    All that heat?

    ---Songs of Cesium #47

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    It's So Easy
    (Tune, It's so Easy)

    It's with Cesium I'm in love!
    It's with Cesium I'm in love!

    People say that I'm a fool,
    When I take my Cesium into the pool.
    And it's so easy,
    So doggone easy,
    Yes it's so easy,
    Where my love's concerned,
    To get myself burned.
    But it's with Cesium I'm in love,
    It's with Cesium I'm in love!

    I look into her flame and see,
    A sky-blue light floodin' over me.
    Though it's so easy,
    So doggone easy,
    Yeah it's so easy,
    When she's concerned,
    To get myself burned.
    Still it's with Cesium I'm in love,
    It's with Cesium I'm in love!

    ---Songs of Cesium #87

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Cesium (All through the Night)
    (Tune, Fever)

    (1)
    Never know how much I need you,
    Never know how much I'd dare,
    When I mix you up with water,
    I get a heat that's hard to bear.

    I need my Cesium!
    Burnin' brightly,
    Cesium to give me light.
    Cesium --
    In the morning,
    Cesium all through the night.

    (2)
    Sun lights up the daytime.
    Moon lights up the night.
    Cesium lights up heaven above,
    With a brilliant sky-blue light.

    I need my Cesium!
    Burnin' hotly.
    Cesium shinin' so bright.
    Cesium --
    In the morning,
    Cesium to make me feel right.

    (Coda)
    Everybody,
    Needs some Cesium,
    Cesium to give 'em that glow.
    Cesium --
    Add some water,
    Get a fire hot as down below!

    (3)
    Romeo, he had Cesium,
    Cool water Juliette.
    When they mixed it up together,
    Things got as hot as they can get!

    They needed Cesium!
    Flamin' madly.
    Cesium burnin' so blue.
    Cesium --
    Shared between them.
    Cesium to make their love true.

    (4)
    Come to the end of my story.
    Got to the point that I made.
    Cesium's the stuff to heat you up,
    And you ain't gonna find no shade!

    You'll need cesium!
    As you sizzle.
    Cesium some comfort to earn.
    Cesium --
    It's almighty.
    What a lovely way to burn!

    --- Songs of Cesium #96

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Cesium Glows
    (Tune, Love's a Rose - Neil Young)

    Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,
    It's fire grows when it's on the tongue.
    Lips full of holes, you'll know you've kissed it,
    Just take a bite if you want to die young.

    I want to see what's never been seen,
    I want to dream that Cesium dream.
    Come on love, we can glow together,
    Let's eat it all right now.
    Take a bite right now.

    I want to lie in a hole in the ground,
    Six feet deep, and twelve feet 'round.
    Sky blue light around me shinin',
    Pale blue worms upon me dinin'.

    Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,
    It's fire grows when its on your tongue.
    Mouth full of holes if ever you kiss it,
    Gimme a spoon 'cause I wanna die Young.

    ---Songs of Cesium #109

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Cesium's Burning
    (a round, tune Scotland's Burning)

    Cesium's burning, Cesium's burning.
    Look out!  Look out!
    Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!
    Pour on water, pour on water.
    Oh shit! Oh shit!

    (repeat)

    ---Songs of Cesium #81

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Seventy Six Neutrons
    (Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

    Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
    Half a hundred and ten bold protons...

    Hold it!  Hold it!. That's Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.
    Let's go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway...

    Seventy Eight Neutrons
    (Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

    Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
    Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
    And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
    All but one, the singular miss Six S.

    Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
    Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
    And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
    From within a shining quantum cloud.

    There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
    Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
    'Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
    And miss Six S got in a great big mess.

    Seventy eight screaming neutrons ran and jammed the door,
    Half a hundered and ten brave protons hit the ground.
    There was a sky-blue flash, then nothing left but ash,
    And the echo of a glorious thundering sound.

    --- Songs of Cesium #76

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Cesium's Strange
    (Tune, People are strange - The Doors)

    Cesium's strange,
    when you're a stranger
    Consummate danger,
    ready to blow.
    Water is wicked,
    wet and unwanted,
    Folks are unfriendly,
    when you glow.

    Don't take it out in the rain.
    You're insane!
    You're insane!
    Don't you remember the pain?
    You're insane!
    You're insane!
    You're insane ---

    Cesium's strange,
    pregnant with danger,
    Hand the next stranger
    a kilo or two.
    Pour on the water,
    lamb at the slaughter,
    Bathe in the light
    that is blue, sky-blue!

    Don't take it out in the rain.
    You're insane!
    You're insane!
    You'll always remember the pain.
    You're insane!
    You're insane!
    You're insane ---

    --- Songs of Cesium #13

chemistry
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    From: rchin@resident.kenso.unsw.edu.au
    To the tune of Losing My Religion by REM

    That's me in the acid
    That's me in the test tube
    Losing my electrons
    Trying to keep my ions true
    But I don't know if I can do it
    Oh no this work's too tough
    I didn't study enough
    I thought that I saw it bubbling
    I thought that i saw it burn
    I think I thought I heard it pop

    (By Allison Healy and Melissa Shong)

chemistry
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    Elements
    from Frey Scientific catalog

    You Pb me to believe he's dead;
    I Zn he won't survive.
    Ba in the ground, you fool,
    Do you Zn he's still alive?

chemistry
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    From: Colin Murtagh <C_Murtagh@compuserve.com>
    Johnny saw some dynamite
    Couldn't understand it quite
    But curiosity never pays
    It rained Johnny for seven days.

chemistry biology
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    From: adamb@bgumail.bgu.ac.il (Adam Bernard)

    A mosquito cried out in pain:
    "A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
    The cause of his sorrow
    was para-dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane

    [paraDichloroDiphenylTrichloroethane is the the full name for DDT]

chemistry
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    David Smillie:
    Little Willie was a chemist.
    Little Willie is no more.
    For what he thought was H2O,
    Was H2SO4.

chemistry
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    From: Mail@scri.sari.ac.uk
    Poor old Brown is dead and gone
    His face you'll
    see no more
    For what he thought was H2O
    was H2SO4.

chemistry
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    From: Mario Zlatovic <mario@eunet.yu>
    Little Lucy in the lab
    Lies dead on the floor
    'Cause what she taught was H2O
    Was realy H2SO4.

chemistry
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    From: "Jason Hill" <jhill@actionwebservices.com>
    Here lies Harry,
    Harry lives no more,
    What Harry thought was H2O,
    Was H2SO4.

chemistry
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    The bells in town are ringing
    for Bill who is no more.
    Instead of drinking H2O
    drank H2SO4.

chemistry
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    From:         Richard Laysell <richard@laysell.demon.co.uk>
    Johnny, finding life a bore,
    Drank some H2SO4.
    Johnny's father, an MD
    Gave him CaCO3.
    Now he's neutralised it's true,
    But he's full of CO2.

chemistry
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    From: hjiwa@nor.chevron.com Canonical List Of Holiday Humor From:
    grandish@kits.sfu.ca (Gavin Lee Grandish)
    Special Category: Christmas Science Jokes

           CHEMISTRY CHRISTMAS CAROLS

    1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming To Town
    2. I'm Dreaming Of A White Precipitate
    3. Silent Labs
    4. Deck The Labs
    5. The Twelve Days Of Chemistry (2x)
    6. Test Tubes Bubbling
    7. O Little Melting Particle
    8. We Wish You A Happy Halogen
    9. Chemistry Wonderland
    10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine
    11. O Come All Ye Gases
    12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are
    13. Iron The Red Atom Molecule
    14. Lab Reports
    15. Silver nitrate

    1.  The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town

    You better not weigh
    You better not heat
    You better not react
    I'm telling you now
    The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

    He's collecting data
    He's checking it twice
    He's gonna find out
    The heat of melting ice
    The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

    He sees you when you're decanting
    He knows when you titrate
    He knows when you are safe or not
    So wear goggles for goodness sake.

    Oh, you better not filter
    And drink your filtrate
    You better not be careless and spill your precipitate.
    The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

    2.  I'm Dreaming of a White Precipitate

    I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
       just like the ones I used to make
    Where the colors are vivid
       and the chemist is livid
          to see impurities in the snow.

    I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
       with every chemistry test I write
    May your equations be balanced and right
       and may all your reactions be bright.

    3.  Silent Labs

    Silent labs, difficult labs
    All with math, all with graphs
    Observations of colors and smells
    Calculations and graph curves like bells
    Memories of tests that have past
       Oh, how long will chemistry last?

    Silent labs, difficult labs
    All with math, all with graphs
    Lots of equations that need balancing
    Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
    Santa Chlorine's on his way
       Oh, Please Santa bring me an 'A'.

    4. Deck the Labs

    Deck the labs with rubber tubing
      Fa la la la la, la la la la.
    Use your funnel and your filter
      Fa la la la la, la la la la.
    Don we now our goggles and aprons
      Fa la la la la, la la la la.
    Before we go to our lab stations
      Fa la la la la, la la la la.

    Fill the beakers with solutions
      Fa la la la la, la la la la.
    Mix solutions for reactions
      Fa la la la la, la la la la.
    Watch we now for observations
      Fa la la la la, la la la la.
    So we can collect our data
      Fa la la la la, la la la la.

    5.  The Twelve Days of Chemistry

    On the first day of chemistry
       My teacher gave to me
    A candle from Chem Study.

    (second day)   two asbestos pads
    (third day)    three little beakers
    (fourth day)   four work sheets
    (fifth day)    five golden moles
    (sixth day)    six flaming test tubes
    (seventh day)  seven unknown samples
    (eighth day)   eight homework problems
    (ninth day)    nine grams of salt
    (tenth day)    a ten page test
    (eleventh day) eleven molecules
    (twelfth day)  a twelve point quiz

    From: shaffer@morpheus.cis.yale.edu (Wendy Shaffer)

    Just thought I'd post this little carol, which I wrote to celebrate
    succesfully completing a recent Quantum Chemistry exam.  Enjoy...
    5b. The Twelve Days of Christmas

    On the first day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: An exam in Quantum
    Chemistry.
    On the second day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: a
    double integral and an exam in Quantum Chemistry.
    On the third day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: three orbitals, a
    double integral, and an exam in Quantum Chemistry.
    On the fourth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: four harmonic
    oscillators, three orbitals, etc.
    On the fifth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: Five Hermitian
    Operators!  Four harmonic ocillators, three orbitals, etc.
    On the sixth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: six spin-orbit
    couplings, etc.
    On the seventh day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: seven basis
    functions, etc.
    On the eighth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: eight time dependent
    perturbations, etc.
    On the ninth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: nine Slater
    determinants, etc.
    On the tenth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: ten electrons
    tunneling, etc.
    On the eleventh day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: eleven photons
    emitting, etc.
    On the twelfth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: 12 fermions
    exchanging, etc.

    6.  Test Tubes Bubbling
    (to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire")

    Test tubes bubbling in a water bath
        Strong smells nipping at ypur nose.
    Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow
        Will find it hard to be inert tonight.

    They know that Chlorine's on its way
        He's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh
    And every student's slide rule is on the sly
        To see if the teacher really can multiply.

    And so I offer you this simple phrase
        To chemistry students in this room
    Although it's been said many times, many ways
        Merry molecules to you.

    7.  O Little Melting Particle
    (to the tune of "O Little Town Of Bethlehem")

    Para Dichloro Benzene
       how do you melt so well?
    The plateau of your cooling curve
       is really something swell.
    We think the heat of fusion
       of water is so nice
    Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole
       and what you get is ice.

    8.  We Wish You a Happy Halogen

    We wish you a happy halogen
    We wish you a happy halogen
    We wish you a happy halogen
    To react with a metal.

    Good acid we bring
       to you and your base.
    We wish you a merry molecule
       and a happy halogen.

    9.  Chemistry Wonderland

    Gases explode, are you listenin'
       In your rest tube, silver glistens
    A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
       Walking in a chemistry wonderland.

    Gone away, is the buoyancy
       Here to stay, is the density
    A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
       Walking in a chemistry wonderland.

    In the beaker we will make lead carbonate
       and decide if what's left is nitrate
    My partner asks "Do we measure it in moles or grams?"
       and I'll say, "Does it matter in the end?"

    Later on, as we calculate
       the amount, of our nitrate
    We'll face unafraid, the precipitates that we made
       walking in a chemistry wonderland.

    10.  I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine

    I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
       under the chemistree last night
    They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart
       to take a peek
    At all the atoms reacting in their beakers;
       it was neat.

    And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
       under the chemistree so bright
    Oh what a reaction there would have been
       if the principal had walked in
    With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.

    11.  O Come All Ye Gases

    O Come all yea gases
       diatomic wonders
    O come yea, o come yea
       calls Avogadro.

    O come yea in moles
       6 x 10 to the 23rd
    O molar mass and molecules
       O volume, pressure and temperature
    O molar volume of gases at S.T.P.

    12.  We Three Students Of Chemistry Are

    We three students of chemistry are
       taking tests that we think are hard
    Stoichiometry, volumes and densities
       worrying all the time.

    O room of wonder
       room of fright
    Room of thermites
       blinding light:
    With your energies
       please don't burn us
    Help us get our labs all right.

    13.  Iron the Red Atom Molecule
    (to the tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer")

    There was Cobalt and Argon and Carbon and Fluorine
       Silver and Boron and Neon and Bromine
    But do you recall
       the most famous element of all?

    Iron the red atom molecule
       had a very shiny orbital
    And if you ever saw him
       You'd enjoy his magnetic glow
    All of the other molecules
       used to laugh and call him Ferrum
    They never let poor Iron
       join in any reaction games.
    Then one inert Chemistry eve
       Santa came to say
    Iron with your orbital so bright
       won't you catalyze the reaction tonight?
    Then how the atoms reacted
       and combined in twos and threes
    Iron the red atom molecule
       you'll go down in Chemistry!

    14. Lab Reports
    (to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

    Dashing through the lab
       with a tan page lab report
    Taking all those tests
       and laughing at them all
    Bells for fire drills ring
       making spirits bright
    What fun it is to laugh and sing
       a chemistry song tonight.

    Oh, lab report, lab reports,
       reacting all the way
    Oh what fun it is to study
       for a chemistry test today, Hey!

    Chemistry test, chemistry test
       isn't it a blast
    Oh what fun it is to take
       a chemistry test and pass.

    15.  Silver Nitrate
    (to the tune of "Silver Bells")

    Silver nitrate, silver nitrate
       it's chemistry time in the lab
    Ding-a-ling, with a copper ring
       soon it will be chemistry day.

    Take your nitrate, in solution
       Add your copper with style
    In the beaker there's a feeling of reactions
       silver forming, blue solution
    Bringing ooh's ah's and wows
       now the data procesing begins.

    Get the mass, change to moles
       what is the ratio with copper?
    Write an equation, balance it
       we're glad it's Chemistry Day.

chemistry
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    From: monroem@UWYO.EDU (Matt Monroe)

    Special Category: Christmas Science Jokes
            CHEMISTRY CHRISTMAS

    'Twas the night before Christmas,
    The lab was quite still;
    Not a Bunsen was burning
       (Nor had they the will).
    The test tubes were placed
       In their racks with great care,
    In hopes Father Chemistry
       Soon would be there.

    The students were sleeping
       So sound in their dorms,
    All dreaming of fluids
       And Crystalline forms.
    Lab-Aids in their aprons
       And I in my smock.

    When outside the lab
       There arose such a roar
    I leaped from my stool
       And fell flat on the floor.
    Out ot the fire escape
       All of us flew.
    What was the commotion?
       Not one of knew.

    The flood-lights shone out
       O're the campus so bright
    It looked like old Stockholm
       On Nobel Prize Night.
    My fume-blinded eyes
       Then viewed (dare I say?)
    Eight anions pulling
       A water-trough sleigh.

    And holding the bonds
       Tied to each one of them
    Was a figure I knew
       As our own Papa Chem.
    With speeds in excess
       Of most X-rays they came.
    As they Dopplered along
       He called each one by name.

    "Now Nitrite, now Phosphate,
     Now Borate, now Chloride
    On Citrate, on Bromate,
       On Sulfite and Oxide.

    Forget what you know
       Of that randomness stuff,
    Let's go straight to that roof,
       If you've quanta enough."

    As fluids Bernoullian
       Behave in a pinch,
    Those ions said "Alchemist
       This is a cinch."
    So up to the lab-roof
       Those "chargers" they sped
    With Pop Chemistry safe
       In his water-trough sled.

    Just a microsec later
       Electroscopes showed
    Charged particles coming
       To our lab abode
    We raced back inside,
       And what d'ya think?
    Down the fume-hood Pop Chem fell,
       Right into the sink.

    He was dressed in a lab-coat,
       Quite ragged and old,
    With removable buttons
      (The style, we're told)
    A tray-full of beakers
       He clutched to his heart--
    And under his arm
       Was an orbital chart.

    His eyes through his goggles
       I just couldn't see
    His hands were all yellow
       From H-N-O-3.
    His head was quite bald
       With a fringe all around
    Like a ring test for iron,
       That same shade of brown.

    He puffed a cigar
       With a smell not at all
    Unlike the organic lab
       Right down the hall.
    The smoke billowed forth
       From his angular face
    And with Brownian Movement
       Enveloped the place.

    He was thin as a match
       And not terribly tall
    He wasn't the type
       I'd expected at all
    But a look at his clothes,
       In the lab's harsh white light,
    With their acid-burn holes--
       He's a chemist all right!

    He didn't say much
       (He had no time to kill)
    And filled all the test tubes
       With nary a spill.
    Then placing them bak
       On the benches with care
    He dashed to the fume-hood
       And rose through the air.

    He called to his team
       And his ions took off
    And kinetics took care
       Of Pop Chem and his trough,
    But I heard him cry out
       As he flew down the street
      "Merry Holidays to all!
       May your stockrooms stay neat!"

chemistry
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    From: "Tristan Jenkins" <tjenkins@cgcc.cc.or.us>
    This bit of wisdom was on the walls of my undergraduate school:

    There once was a chemist from Reed
    Who never washed his hands before he peed.
    The stuff on his hands
    Got into his glans
    And inhibited his ability to breed.

chemistry
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    From: awillis@ix.netcom.com (al willis)
          Orig.  Al Willis

    The professor talked much about Rhodium,
    And then he expounded on Sodium.
       His arms he did flail,
       Until he turned pale,
    And then he fell off of the podium.

chemistry
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    From: "Gareth Jones" <GarethNOSPAMJones@computerweekly.net.zzz>
    There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
    And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium
    And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
    And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
    Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium
    And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium
    And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium (inhale)
    And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.

    There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium
    And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium
    And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
    And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium and barium.

    Isn't that interesting?
    I knew you would.
    I hope you're all taking notes, because there's gonna be a short quiz next
    period.

    There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium
    And phosphorous and francium and fluorine and terbium
    And manganese and mercury, molybdinum, magnesium,
    Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium
    And lead, praseodymium, platinum, plutonium,
    Paladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
    Tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium, (inhale)
    And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.

    There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium
    And also mendelevium, einsteinium and nobelium
    And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium
    And chlorine, cobalt, carbon, copper,
    Tungsten, tin and sodium.

    These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard,
    And there may be many others but they haven't been discovered.

    -Tom Lehrer

chemistry
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    From: Werner Haelg <Haelg@inorg.chem.ethz.ch>
    Chemist's fast prayer:
    Dear Lord, if I mix sodium
    with concentrated HNO3,
    and add to it Plutonium,
    would you take care on me?

chemistry
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    From: pp002759@interramp.com (Richard Rateick, Jr.)

    I had a brand new beaker once
    its gone beyond recall
    for all the glass and pieces are
    embeded in the wall.
    -- Frey (sp?) Scientific Catalogue, ca. 1978.

chemistry
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    From: Rose_Adrienne@msn.com (Rose Shlachtman)

    A mosquito was heard to complain
    That a chemist had poisoned his brain
    The cause of his sorrow
    Was paradichloro
    Diphenyltrichloroethane.

chemistry
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    mini-air:
    Dr. Robert Stein sent us an essay about his adventures with
    pharmaceutical sales representatives.  After lamenting that the
    drug companies no longer offer him free vacations to Hawaii, he
    concluded with this heart-rending flourish:

            The rep from the drug company
            Offers gifts that are no use to me.
                    Of that junk do me spare!
                    Give me one year of AIR!
            Till you do, go away! Let me be!

chemistry
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    From: Dave Arnold <arnold@pop1.science.widener.edu>
     "Little Willie from the mirror
      Licked the mercury off.
      Thinking in his childish error
      It would cure his whooping cough.

      At the funeral, Willie's mother
      Smartly said to Mrs. Brown
      "Twas a chilly day for Willie
      When the mercury went down."
                                        Anon

chemistry
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    From: "Hugh Janus" <HUGH_JANUS@born.in.the.USA.NET>
    A teacher in chemistry class
    Gave a talk on combustible gas
    He scoffed down some beans
    And pulled down his jeans
    Then held up a match to his ass.

chemistry
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    From: Eric <eric343@2alpha.com>
    There once was a chemist from Reed
    Who washed his hands not 'fore he peed.
    The stuff on his hands
    Got into his glans
    And inhibited his ability to breed.

chemistry
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    From: "Ryan L. Cobb" <ryancobb@cox.net>

    This is  an original poem written by one of my dad's best friends
    note: 'old Panky'=teacher

                            Student Bill's Experiments

    On the 15th of April in the year of '62,
    It was early in the morning Bill his head off nearly blew,
    In a class that was called chemistry, don't ask me how or why,
    'Cause no chemistry took place there if old Panky wasn't nigh.

    Now young Dallas, genius of a sort, insecticide had made,
    And poor William had inhaled the stuff; his sense began to fade.
    He had made some HCl that morn, and wondered what to do;
    He didn't want to waste the stuff -- he'd have some fun, he knew.

    He acquired several Mg strips, and stuck them in the juice:
    "We'll get reactions now, my friends, just all you dolts hang loose!"
    Well the hydrogen would bubble, and the hydrogen would pour,
    And he caught it in some test tubes that were from a neighbor's drawer.

    "Why catch it in the tubes," said Wayne, "you'll get a little flame,
    If you light the end there," (and he thought, "but I won't get the blame!")
    So good Bill, with trust in his dear friend, did bring the fire near;
    And the sound that then resulted wasn't pleasant to the ear.

    Well old Panky looked quite grave; he thought, "I knew it, yes I did,
    And if this youngster keeps it up, I'm sure to flip my lid."
    But poor Bill is still alive now, and it really is a wonder,
    That the stupid fool himself and classmates didn't blow asunder.

chemistry
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    From: Mike van Scherrenburg (mvs@berlioz.nsc.com)
     Mary had a little lamb,
     a black sheep now is he,
     for what she thought was rug shampoo,
     was AgNO3.

     Got the idea from reading "Black like Me" in high school.  Don't know if it
    does the same to sheep as it does to humans though.

chemistry
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    A Valentine that is Technically a Sonnet

    by Lowell T. Christensen

    How do I love thee? Let me quantify the ways.
    I loved thee when first I observed thy configuration,
    And I jumped to an excited state.
    Before I met thee, I was a free radical,
    But thou has made me more stable.
    I loved thy reaction when a jewel (joule?) I shocked thee with.
    We bonded and are now at equilibrium in the combined state.

    Thou makest me feel almost noble.
    I love thee for the children thou hast generated,
    Who daily prove the second law of thermodynamics.
    I love thee this Valentine's Day, February 14,
    Which incidentally is Jimmy Hoffa's birthday.
    I tell thee how I love thee,
    That our love may never be reduced.

chemistry
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    From: phil <philbo@cix.co.uk>

                  "First Row Transition Metal" by Phil Alexander

                                  To the tune of:

                "Bridge Over Troubled Water" by Simon and Garfunkel

    Count electrons in their shells
    Shells 1 and 2 are full, 3s as well
    4s has two, sometimes just one
    It's filled before 3d, so
    It's a first row transition metal
    3d's incomplete
    It is a first row transition metal
    3d's incomplete

    First there's Scandium
    Titanium
    V is Vanadium
    Cr - Chromium
    Then Manganese
    Iron, Cobalt
    And Nickel, Copper, Zinc
    They're the first row transition metals
    And that's right - I think
    They're the first row transition metals
    Yes it's right, I think

    The electrons in
    The 4s shell
    They're lost so easily
    All these elements are metals
    See how they shine,
    And if they're oxidised
    There's even more besides:
    For a first row transition metal
    Has coloured oxides
    Yes a first row transition metal
    Has colored oxides

    If you've enjoyed this parody, or found it useful, please vote on it at:
    http://www.amiright.com/parody/70s/simonandgarfunkel13.shtml

New after last time posted (February 28, 2004) chemistry
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    From: Phil Alexander <dd@philbo.cix.co.uk>

    "Henry the Eighth" Based on the performance by Herman's Hermits

        "Element the Eighth" Parody by Phil Alexander

    I'm element the eighth I am
    'Tomic number eight I am I am
    When I'm liquid I am cold and blue
    My normal state is molecular O2
    I'm an oxidising element
    It's me that makes explosive stuff go BLAM!
    In the periodic elements
    Element the eighth I am

    Second verse - yet more diverse

    I'm element the eighth I am
    'Tomic number eight I am I am
    Sev'ral miles high above the sea
    You'll find me as ozone (which is O3)
    I'm a divalent element
    Two singles or a double-bond I can
    I'm number eight in the elements
    Element the eighth I am

    (Solo... er free radical?)

    I'm element the eighth I am
    'Tomic number eight I am I am
    I've got eight electrons in my shell
    Eight nuclear protons, eight neutrons as well
    I'm a mass of sixteen element
    That means one mole of me is sixteen grams
    In the periodic elements
    Element the eighth I am
    Element (Element)
    Element (Element)
    Element the eighth I am

    http://www.amiright.com/parody/60s/hermanshermits47.shtml

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 3. chemistry - general
- 3.1 chemistry poetry
- 3.2 chemistry quotes
- 3.3 chemical puns
- 3.4 in the lab
- 3.5 chemical dictionary
- 3.6 chemists
- 3.7 elements
- 3.8 H20

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