## 8. ACADEMIC LIFE

#### Subsections

- 8. academic life - general
- 8.1 rules for research
- 8.2 rules for writing an article
- 8.3 academic life poetry
- 8.4 research quotes
- 8.5 publish and explanation quotes
- 8.6 In the classroom
- 8.7 graduate students
- 8.8 exams
- 8.9 love life
- 8.10 students
- 8.11 staff
- 8.12 remarkable academic institutes

### 8.2 RULES FOR WRITING AN ARTICLE:

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

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    From: chris@labtam.labtam.oz.au (Chris Taylor)

    Special Category: Definitions and terms
                      A brief guide to Scientific literature
                      ======================================

    The following phrases, frequently found in technical writings, are defined
    below for your enlightenment.

    Phrase                               Translation
    ------------------------------------------------

    It has been long known...............I haven't bothered to check the references
    It is known..........................I believe
    It is believed.......................I think
    It is generally believed.............My collegues and I think
    There has been some discussion.......Nobody agrees with me
    It can be shown......................Take my word for it
    It is proven.........................It agrees with something mathematical
    Of great theoretical importance......I find it interesting
    Of great practical importance........This justifies my employment
    Of great historical importance.......This ought to make me famous
    Some samples were chosen for study...The others didn't make sense
    Typical results are shown............The best results are shown
    Correct within order of magnitude....Wrong
    The values were obtained empirically.The values were obtained by accident
    The results are inconclusive.........The results seem to disprove my hypothesis
    Additional work is required..........Someone else can work out the details
    It might be argued that..............I have a good answer to this objection
    The investigations proved rewarding..My grant has been renewed

    From: eridani@scn.org (Martha K. Koester)

    Synthesised according to.............Purchased from Sigma
    standard protocols

    Thanks to Joe Blow for expert........Thanks to Joe Blow for doing
    technical assistance and Jane        all the work and Jane Doe for
    Doe for valuable discussion.         telling me what it meant.

    From: neve@up.univ-mrs.fr (Gabriel NEVE)

    While it has not been possible.......The experiments didn't work out,
    to provide definite answers to       but I figured I could at least
    these questions.                     get a publication out of it.

    Mus musculus domesticus..............Mus musculus domesticus
    was chosen as especially suitable to is a lovely animal
    test this hypothesis.                which is easy to study in
                                         the lab.

    Accidentally strained during.........dropped on the floor
    mounting

    Handled with extreme care............not dropped on the floor
    throughout the experiments

    Although some detail has been........It is impossible to tell from the
    lost in reproduction, it is clear    original micrograph.
    from the original micrograph

    Presumably at longer times...........I didn't take the time to find out.

    The agreement with the predicted
    curve is...
            excellent                     fair
            good                          poor
            satisfactory                  doubtful
            fair                          imaginary
            as good as could be expected  non-existent

    The most reliable values are..........Jones was a student of mine.
    those of Jones.

    It is suggested that...
    It is believed that...               I think that...
    It may be that...

    It is generally believed that........A couple of other guys think so too.

    It is clear that much additional.....I don't understand it.
    work will be required before
    a complete understanding...

    Unfortunately, a quantitative........Neither does anybody else.
    theory to account for these effects
    has not  been formulated.

    It is hoped that this work will......This paper isn't very good, but
    stimulate further work in the field. neither are any of the others in
                                         this miserable subject.

    High purity..........................Composition unknown except for
    Very high purity                     the exaggerated claims of the
                                         suppliers

    A fiducial reference line on.........A scratch.
    the specimen...

    [adapted by Dominic Semple and Gabriel Neve from 'A glossary for research
    reports' by C.D. Graham, Jr., Metal Progress Vol 71, No. 5, 1957, and
    Technology Review, January 1977]

    And the last one from mammalogists :

    Arvicola voles were found as         The radio-traking collars we've
    especially suitable to investigate   got are too big for Microtus
    this interesting ecological problem  vole species.

    From: "Dennis  Davis" <dennov@worldnet.att.net>
    "A definite trend is evident"...     These data are practically meaningless.

    "These results will be in a subsequent report"...  I might get around to
    this sometime, if pushed/funded.

    "In my experience"...  Once!

    "In case after case"...  Twice!

    "In a series of cases"...  Thrice!

    "It is believed that"...  I think...
    etc. (see above)

    "A highly significant area for exploratory study"...  A totally useless
    topic selected by my committee.

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    From: sjreeves@eedsp.gatech.edu (Stan Reeves)

    [My office-mate, Robert Bamberger, and I wrote this abstract after
    attending a particularly LPI-ish conference. :-) ]

               AN ANALYTIC STUDY OF THE LEAST PUBLISHABLE INCREMENT

    Abstract

    This paper presents an analytic study of the least publishable increment
    (LPI). The LPI is defined as the smallest acceptable difference between two
    publishable papers. Two metrics for the LPI are derived. The first metric
    is based on a generalized distance measure derived from the Hausdorff
    metric and is used to differentiate between papers on similar topics by
    different authors. The second metric describes a distance measure for
    papers from the same author.

    Further studies using cross-journal and conference proceedings relations
    are also discussed. We outline a simple strategy for maximal publication
    based on these distance measures. An illustrative example of the maximal
    publication scheme is shown and its correlation to actual publications is
    also given.

    We present a proof that maximal publication based on the LPI is an optimal
    approach for junior faculty members attempting to get tenure.

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    THE REFEREE'S CREED:
    What I don't understand I despise, what I despise I reject.

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    The game of refereeing:
    The author's goal: Publish a worthless paper.
    The referee's goal: Prevent publishing of a major contribution to field.

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    No matter what degree of rigor the author uses, the referee replies by saying
    it is not the correct one.

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                         A NOTE ON THE GAME OF REFEREEING

                                          Applied Statistics XVII No. 3 (1968)

    J M Chambers (*) and Agnes M. Herzberg (**)
    *  Bell Telephone Laboratories, Murray Hill, New Jersey
    ** Imperial College, London

    SUMMARY
    The game of refereeing is described.  Some tactics are outlined and
    examples are given.  The present state of the game is assessed.

    1 INTRODUCTION

      This paper defines the game of refereeing.  While not a new game by any
    means, it is now played more widely than ever before, as the volume of
    current journals demonstrates.  Here we outline the game and suggest some
    of the more effective tactics.  The examples are drawn from the field of
    statistics, but the reader may easily supply examples from many other
    areas.

      The version of the game outlined here represents a reasonable high
    standard of rigour.  While it would be foolish to assert that the game is
    not frequently played under less restrictive conditions, we are convinced
    that it can only lose in subtlety, intellectual interest and artistic scope
    by such relaxations.

      The game is played between two teams, here called author and referee.
    The former consists of one or more co-operating players.  We treat these as
    a single player.  In the simple or univariate game there is a single
    referee who plays against the author.  This is the case treated in this
    paper.  Discussion of the p-referee case for p>=2 involves no basic
    alteration in the model or rules

      The definition of the objective for the players and the optimum being
    sought have been the subject of considerable discussion.  It is agreed that
    the author's objective is to have his paper published, and that extra
    points accrue for the publication of a particularly worthless submission.
    Likewise the referee's minimal objective is to have the paper refused and
    extra credit is obtained if the paper was a major contribution to the
    field.  Some consider that the referee may attain a higher optimum if, in
    addition to having the paper refused, he reduces the author to a 'nervous
    pulp' (a term introduced in connection with another game,
    Conferencemanship).  Still greater succes can be claimed if the author
    gives up serious work altogether, say by joining an operations research
    firm.  Similar higher-level goals might be devised for the author; for
    example, taking up all the time the referee would normally spend on his own
    research.

      Play opens with the _submission_ of the paper by the author.  At this
    point the editor of the journal intervenes to select the opposing
    player(s).  (We consider the editor as a neutral umpire, deferring the
    question of the play of editor versus author and/or referee to a subsequent
    paper now in progress by these authors.)  The next move is by the referee.
    Without loss of generality we call this move the _refusal_.  This may be
    followed by a further submission, a further refusal and so on, until one of
    the players concedes defeat.

      These are the basic rules of play.  In Section 2  we give some of the
    more usefull tactics which may be employed by the players

    2 TACTICS OF THE GAME

    Note: The tactics given below are not intended to be exhaustive.  They are
    given as examples to help the novice player.  Obviously the tactics may be
    used even more effectivily in combination.

    2.1 Tactics for the Author.

    A1. Obscure reference tactic.
      Here the author refers to a paper in an obscure journal; for example
    _Journal of Indian Statistical Association_, _Scientia Sinica_ or _Applied
     Statistics_.  The paper has, preferably, a rather general title and,
    therefore, might possibly include the point which the author is trying to
    make, for instance, 'A result on limit theorems', 'A note on the analysis
    of variance', 'On statistical estimation', or more simple, 'An aspect of
    statistical theory'.  It should be noted that, whether or not the paper is
    by the person who refers to it, a previous game of refereeing has taken
    place to get it published.  Another way to employ this tactic is for the
    author to refer to a private communication from possibly a well-known
    statistician or to his own or others' unpublished work.  Unfortunately,
    this version of the tactic is not allowed by some journals.

    A2. Wrong-reference tactic.
      The author refers to a paper which is not given or is incorrectly given
    in the list of references.  This will infuriate a conscentious referee who
    insists on checking all references in an effort to show that the author has
    not read the literature properly.  (The author must be carefull in
    employing this tactic for some referees think that even a misprint in the
    references is reason enough for rejecting an otherwise worthy paper.)

    A3. Prestige tactic.
      The author uses at least one reference to a well-known person to show
    that he is working in a 'good' field.  It is usually possible to find such
    papers with general titles to cover a large variety of sins.

    A4. Barrage tactic.
      The author sens in such a large number of papers to the same journal that
    the editor cannot cope with them and will therefore, have to let some be
    published withouth proper refereeing.  This prevents the referee from
    entering the game at all and thus the author is essentially playing a game
    of solitaire.  The author could also send the same paper to various
    journals with a slight change in title, thereby playing more than one
    opponent at the same time.  There is, of course, the possibility that the
    same referee may be chosen by more than one journal.

    A5. Flattery-may-get-you-somewhere tactic
      In the revision of the paper the author thanks the referee for his
    'helpfull comments' etc.  This is very often employed against tactic R5 by
    saying something to the effect that he (the author) 'agrees that he was not
    clear in the earlier version of the paper'.

    A6. Anticipation tactic.
      Here the author attempts to disarm criticism either:

      (a) by inserting flattering references to the work of all the more likely
    potential referees;

      or

      (b) by writing papers jointly with all the experts in the field, thus
    making it impossible to find a referee.

      (In (a) the author of a bibliography is at an advantage.  In (b) the game
    becomes a game of solitaire.)

    A7. Precedent tactic.
      Reference is made to a paper which although of very low quality was
    recently published in the same journal.  The author implies that his work
    cannot be of lower quality than the previous paper.  The danger, however,
    is that the editor may be only too aware that he should have rejected that
    paper and will act accordingly.

    A8. Deliberate-mistake tactic.
      A deliberate, obvious and unimportant mistake can be inserted near the
    beginning of the paper.  An inexperienced referee will use it to suggest
    rejecting the paper and then will be overruled by the editor.  The author
    must be carefull in employing this tactic since an experienced referee will
    use the mistake merely to suggest (withouth actually saying) that the whole
    paper is full of such mistakes.

    2.2 Tactics for the Referee

    R1. Obscure-reference tactic.
      The tactic A1 may also be employed by the referee: for example, by
    suggesting with a reference to an obscure paper that the author's work is
    not original.

    R2. Wrong-level tactic.
      No matter what degree of rigour the author uses, the referee replies by
    saying that it is not the correct one.  For example, 'The author has
    stressed rigour to the detriment of clarity',  'The author's colloquial
    style is insufficiently rigorous', 'The author unfortunately tries to
    combine rigour with a colloquial style to the detriment of both'.

    R3.  Unsuitable-for-publication-in-this-journal tactic.
      This tactic is also known as the 'shirking-of-duty tactic'.  As a last
    resort the referee says that the paper is unsuitable for publication in the
    journal in question, and makes a suggestion that it be submitted to another
    journal which is suitably insulting to the author.  This then ends the game
    between two particular opponents.  The referee then hopes that the suitably
    insulting jouranal does not ask him to referee the paper.

    R4. Shorten-paper tactic.
      In spite of the fact that more and more journals are publishing more and
    more times a year and that each issue must be of a respectable size,
    editors seem to prefer short papers.  Therefore, the referee can always
    request that the paper be shortened.  This usually gives the author a
    difficult task and will tend to prolong the game.

      As a counter to tactic A6(a), the referee may suggest publication of only
    the sections containing flattering references to his own work.

    R5. Deliberate-misunderstanding tactic.
      The referee deliberately questions something in the paper which he knows
    to be correct.  This is a delaying tactic.

    R6. Personal-knowledge tactic.
      The referee, knowing who the author is, questions points in the paper on
    which he knows that the author knows nothing.  This makes the author
    nervous about what he has written.  This tactic cannot be used in those
    journals (for example _Psychometrika_) where both players remain unknow to
    each other.

    R7. Standard-vs.-unstandardized-notation tactic.
      Whatever notation the author uses the referee replies that this should be
    changed to the standard notation; for example, Author: Let x and y
    represent the variables.  Referee:  Change x and y to a and b (or
    visa-versa).

    R8. Scare tactic.
      In commenting on the author's paper the referee refers to a paper of his
    own 'in press' (the paper may or may not have been started).  The title of
    the paper suggests it may include the author's work.  With a nervous or
    inexperienced opponent this may terminate the game.

    R9. Frustation tactic.

      Perhaps the most important of the referee's tactics is to do nothing and
    to ignore all correspondence about the paper; this is of course
    particularly effective with handwritten manuscripts.  The experienced
    referee will not trust his colleagues and will deposit the manuscript at
    the bank.

    3 CONCLUSION

      We have described the game as currently played.  There are however, many
    possible improvements.  The range of strategies would be greatly extended
    if collusion among referees were allowed.  Carefull use of mutually
    contradictionary requirements by different referees will help greatly to
    demoralize the author.  Authors, on the other hand, would have a number of
    interesting new tactics if the name of the referee were given to them.

      It must be acknowledged that the entire practice of refereemanship has
    declined in recent years.  With the publication of more and more journals,
    and the issuing of present journals more frequently, the pressure for
    papers to fill them restricts the referee from rejecting as many acceptible
    papers as hitherto.  Further, there are now so many papers which deserve
    rejection on their own merit that true skill in refereemanship is no longer
    in demand.  Improvements in communication and in the work of librarians
    have made some of the tactics (e.g. A1 and R1) more difficult to apply.

      However, the most insidious cause of this decline is the loss of the true
    savage refereeing spirit among the modern generation of players.  We fear
    that too many participants have taken to heart the old adage, 'Referee as
    you would others referee when you are writing'.

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    "It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established
    authorities are wrong." - Voltaire

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    Referee's report: This paper contains much that is new and much that is
    true. Unfortunately, that which is true is not new and that which is new is
    not true.

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    From: rconroy@rcsi.ie (Ronan Conroy)

    Footnotes that Somehow Got Left out of Published Manuscripts

    Edwin A. Locke, Ronan M Conroy and others

    These footnotes were found behind the editor's desk. They seem to have
    fallen off manuscripts which were being processed, but unfortunately it
    is not possible to identify the specific manuscripts.

    (Note: These footnotes were originally published by Edwin Locke, of the
    Society of Organizational and Industrial Psychologists. I managed to
    contact Dr Locke after many years and he doesn't recognise half of them.
    I am guilty of a certain amount of input, but so too are an unknown
    number of anonymous hands.)

    FOOTNOTES
    1. The second author designed the study.  The research assistant
    (credited in the very small print at the end) carried it out and wrote it
    up.  The first author is a Very Important Professor who has generously
    donated the weight of his prestige.

    2.  Previous reviews by associate editors of 3 other journals, all of
    whom rejected the manuscript, totalled 27 single-spaced pages of
    comments, all of which we ignored as they were clearly motivated by
    professional jealosy.

    3.  Many of the references in this paper are totally unrelated to the
    topic of the study, but we added them to make the paper look scholarly.
    3a. The remaining references were chosen for the quality of their
    contribution to the field, hence the preponderance of citations of
    previous papers by the present authors.

    4. The hypotheses were invented after-the-fact to explain the totally
    unpredicted and seemingly nonsensical results we obtained.

    5. Two subjects were omitted for noncompliance with the protocol and a
    further 67 subjects were discarded for non-compliance with the hypotheses.

    6.  The original questionnaire included 100 predictor scales. This study
    reports the results for the 5 that were picked out by a stepwise
    regression package that the research assistant got from her flatmate.

    7. We tried 37 different analytic techniques, some invented in ancient
    China,  including  Optician's c-test, Hate's d-test, the Lastwill n-test,
    Pretty's q-test, the Van Gough r-test, Washes' y-test, followed by the
    Wineman post-hock test. The one reported here (The Kawasaki
    Inverted-Listerine Analysis) was the only one that got significant
    results.

    8. We ran 12 pilot studies and finally got the design to work after
    threatening the subjects with bodily harm.

    9. A copy of the data is available from the authors.  This is in the form
    of a binary dataset on an Atari disk which can be read by any COBOL
    compiler earlier than 1972. As we are at present upgrading out copy of
    SAS, we will be unable to handle any requests for data for the next five
    years, at which time we hope to have carried all the manuals upstairs
    into the office (if they haven't collapsed inwards under their own mass
    and formed a neutron star). Please write to us then. ("Thank you for your
    belated inquiry about our data.  Unfortunately they have been discarded
    because they are more than 5 years old"  The Authors).

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    From: "donald haarmann \ Eminence gris" <donald-haarmann@worldnet.att.net>

                        The turbo-encabulator in industry.

    For more then 50 years the Arthur D. Little Industrial Bulletin has
    endeavored to interpret scientific information in terms that he lay person
    could understand. "The turbo-encabulator in industry" is the contribution
    of J.H. Quick, graduate member of the Institution of Electrical Engineers
    in London, England, and was, first published in the Institution's Students'
    Quarterly Journal in December 1944, It is here reprinted without the kind
    permission of that publication and of the author in a further salute to
    Quick.

    For a number of years now, work has been proceeding to bring perfection to
    the crudely conceived idea of a machine that would not only supply inverse
    reactive current for use in unilateral phase detractors, but would also be
    capable of automatically synchronizing cardinal grammeters.

    Such a machine is the "turbo-encabulator." Basically, the only new
    principle involved is that instead of power being generated by the relative
    motion of conductors and fluxes, it is produced by the medial interaction
    of magneto-reluctance and capacitive directance.

    The original machine had a base plate of prefabulated amulite, surmounted
    by a malleable logarithmic casing in such a way that the two spurving
    bearings were in direct line with the pentametric fan. The latter consisted
    simply of six hydrocoptic marzelvanes, so fitted to the ambifacient lunar
    waneshaft that side fumbline was effectively prevented. The main winding
    was of the normal lotus-0-delta type placed in panendermic semiboiloid
    slots in the stator, every seventh conductor being connected by a
    nonreversible tremie pipe to the differential gridlespring on the "up" end
    of the grammeters.

    Forty-one manestically spaced grouting brushes were arranged to feed into
    the rotor slipstream a mixture of high S-value phenylhydrobenzamine and 5%
    remanative tetryliodohexamine. Both of these liquids have specific
    pericosities given by P=2.5C.n(exponent)6.7 where n is the diathetical
    evolute of retrograde temperature phase disposition and C is Chlomondeley's
    annular grillage coefficient. Initially, n was measured with the aid of
    metaploar refractive pilfrometer (for a description of this ingenious
    instrument, see Reference 1), but up to the present, nothing has been found
    to equal the transcendental hopper dadoscope (2).

    Electrical engineers will appreciate the difficulty of nubing together a
    regurgitative purwell and a supramitive wennelsprock. Indeed, this proved
    to be a stumbling block to further development until, in 1942, it was found
    that the use of anhydrous nangling pins enabled a kryptonastic boiling shim
    to the tankered.

    The early attempts to construct a sufficiently robust spiral decommutator
    failed largely because of a lack of appreciation of the large quasipiestic
    stresses in the gremlin studs; the latter were specifically designed to
    hold the roffit bars to the spamshaft. When, however, it was discovered
    that spending could be prevented by a simple addition to the living
    sockets, almost perfect running was secured.

    The operating point is maintained as near as possible to the h.f. rem peak
    by constantly fromaging the bitumogenous spandrels. This is a distinct
    advance on the standard nivel-sheave in that no dramcock oil is required
    after the phase detractors have remissed.

    Undoubtedly, the turbo-encabulator has not reached a very high level of
    technical development, It has been successfully used for operating nofer
    trunnions. In addition, whenever a barescent skor motion is required, it
    may be employed in conjunction with a drawn reciprocating dingle arm to
    reduce sinusoidal depleneration.

    References

    (1) Rumpelvestein, L.E., Z. Elektro-technistatisch-Donnerblitz vii.
    (2) Oriceddubg if the Peruvian Academy of Skatological Sciences, June 1914.

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    From an unknown but astute source:
    Every new scientist must learn early that it is never good taste to
    designate the sum of two quantities in the form:

                    1 + 1 = 2                                               (1)

    Anyone who has made a study o f advanced mathematics is aware that:
            1 = ln e
            1 = sin^2 x + cos^2 x

                 \inf
            2 = sum     1/2^n
                n=

    Therefore eq. (1) can be expressed more scientifically as:

                                 \inf
    ln e + sin^2 x + cos^2 x =   sum     1/2^n                              (2)
                                  n=

    This may be further simplified by use of the relations:

            1 = cosh y sqrt(1 - tanh^2 y)

            e = lim     (1+1/z)^z
                z-> inf

    Equation (2) may therefore be rewritten as:

                                                inf  cosh y sqrt(1 - tanh^2 y)
    ln[ lim (1+1/z)^z ] + sin^2 x + cos^2 x =  SUM ____________________________
        z-> inf                                n=             2^n

                                                                            (3)

    At this point it should be obvious that eq. (3) is much clearer and more
    easily onderstood than eq. (1). Other methods of a similar nature could be
    used to clarify eq. (1), but these are easily divined once the reader
    grasps the underlying principles.

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    Since figures and pictures strike the imagination of the reader much better,
    all articles and dissertations should be published in cartoon form to
    reach a larger publicum.

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    From: Aliquotes iv.vii (journal) (rogerb@microsoft.com)
                 IF SECRETARIAL DUTIES WERE PERFORMED BY SCIENTISTS...

    A letter wich was dictated to read....

          ------------------------------------------------------------------
                           from the desk of: ELAINE ROBINSON

                           Anyday, February 31, 1996
    Dear Jerry,

      We regret to inform you that we have reanalyzed the current fiscal
    situation in the company and have come to the decision that the position
    which you currently hold will be phased out in the next few months.  As you
    have been a loyal employee for the past twenty years, we will be offering
    you an early retirement package wich will hopefully fulfill all of your
    requirements.  We wish you the best of luck in your future endeavours and
    hope that you will stay in touch.

                                        Sincerely,

                                             Elaine Robinson, CEO
         --------------------------------------------------------------------

    would instead read....

         --------------------------------------------------------------------
    Analysis of Fiscal Responsibilities in the Company Superstructure
      Robinson, Elaine (CEO), et al.

      The following treatise describes the results of the most recent findings
    of the study of monetary fluctuarions in the area of resource management,
    especially with regard to the placement and distribution of human
    resources.  There is an indication from the data wich has been presented
    (see Figure 1a) that the future fiscal situation  will indicate
    deficiencies.  While this is counter to the previous results (Company
    profile, 1994 and 1995), we feel strongly that the data suggests a
    realignment of personnel placements, although we do not discount other
    avenues of readjustment (for a review, see Memo #17, 1996).  While the
    analysis is not complete, the projection of the curve (Figure 2) indicates
    that the changes which we propose should occur within a time frame amenable
    to stabilizing the situation.
      Previous results (Employee Profile, 1976-1995) have suggested other
    possible scenarios but the present situation (Figure 3) causes our group to
    re-evaluate.  Owing to the enormity of our proposal, certain allowances
    have been established (Table 1) to deal with the current findings and we
    will soon present more findings regarding the extended time vector (data
    not shown, in preparation).

    Note added in proof:  Further analysis has indicated a strong preference
    for the sacrifice of specific variables, with particular reference to Jerry.

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    From:   Jennifer M. <jmorales@cybergrrlz.comx>
    The following is a small excerpt from an article published in *laffs*, the
    jokes/humor page in my e-zine.

                        IF SCIENTISTS WROTE NURSERY RHYMES

    1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic
    protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a
    sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which
    was unspecified. One member of the team precipitately descended, sustaining
    severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical
    structure. Subsequently, the second member of the team performed a
    self-rotational translation oriented in the direction taken by the first
    member.

    < Jack and Jill went up the hill
    To fetch a pail of water.
    Jack fell down and broke his crown,
    And Jill came tumbling after.>

    From: Bob K. <afetrmath2@aol.com>

    7. A male human of undetermined age and designated by an alliterative name
    offered osculatory attentions to an undesignated number of young females,
    resulting in the lachrymatory responses by said females. Subsequent
    emergence of the males from the indoor confinement with the intent of
    recreational activity was then accompanied by a highly precipitant
    conveyence of the male subject from the vicinity.

    8. A young human female, not yet in a state of wedlock, occupied a small
    supportive structure, simultaneously undertaking the consumption of
    nutriments comprising (a) the coagulated portion of lactic fuild and (2)
    the aqueous residue of coagulated lactic fluid. The approach of an arachnid
    followed by establishment of said arachnid upon the supportive structure in
    close proximity to the subject, caused severe trauma in said subject,
    resulting in rapid self- translation of the subject from the environs.

    9. A geriatose human female proceeded to a storage compartment for the
    purpose of procuring a fragment of osseous tissue from an unidentified
    deceased specimen to transfer to an indigent carnivorous domesticated
    mammal, 'Canis familiars', family 'Canidae'. Upon arrival at her intended
    destination, the human female discovered the storage compartment in a
    denuded condition, with the consequence that the indigent carnivore was
    deprived of the intended donation.

    10. A ritual chant concerning both (a) a small British coin and (b) a small
    pouch incorporated as as integral part of an item of clothing, said pouch
    being charged with its full capacity with a hardy cereal grain, preceded
    the preparation of a baked crusted nutritive composition comprising of
    24.00 creatures of the species 'Turdus merula'. Upon terminating of the
    closed state of said crusted composition, the avain creatures commenced a
    melodic performance, resulting in the composition being considered of a
    choice nature befitting presentation to a personage of royal lineage.

    11. A human female of anile disposition established occupancy in a form of
    structure orginally designated for the encasement of the end part of a
    human leg. The plurality of descendents of the subject was of a nature to
    cause continual perplexity and misjudgement on the part of said
    subject. Amelioration of the prevailing conditions was effected by
    furnishing the descendents with a repast comprising of a light gruel
    unaccompanied by solid wheaten material, followed by adminstration of
    severe flagellation prior to nocturrnal repose.

    Answers

    7. Georgy Porgy (I note that "pudding and pie" was not mentioned in the scientific version. Too bad - it could have added another paragraph!)
        Georgy Porgy, pudding and pie,
        Kissed the girls and made them cry.
        When the boys came out to play,
        Georgy Porgy ran away.

    8. Little Miss Muffet
        Little Miss Muffet
        Sat on a tuffet,
        Eating of curds and whey;
        Along came a spider,
        And sat down beside her,
        And frightened Miss Muffet away.

    9. Old Mother Hubbard
        Old Mother Hubbard;
        Went to the cupboard,
        To give her poor dog a bone;
        But when she got there
        The cupboard was bare,
        And so the poor dog had none.

    10. Sing a song of sixpence
        Sing a song of sixpence,
        A pocket full of rye;
        Four-and-twenty blackbirds
        Baked in a pie!

        When the pie was opened
        The birds began to sing;
        Was not that a dainty dish
        To set before the king?

    11. There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
        There was an old woman,
        Who lived in a shoe;
        She had so many children,
        She didn't know what to do.
        She gave them some broth,
        Without any bread;
        She whipped them all soundly,
        And sent them to bed.

physics
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    From: "Paul R. Mays" <simatar1@hotmail.Com>
    (This is the reaction of Paul Mays to a non-physics joke posted by "|-|erc"
    to news:alt.sci.physics.new-theories )

    Since this is a physics group we would of course require
    a vast amount more data of the observation of the event
    being described....

    Lets try it with a theoretical physicist as the objective
    observer....

    "|-|erc":

    This happened in Mexico, and even though it sounds like an Alfred
    Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true!

    Physical Translator Applied:

    (This happened at 22.45:25.43 6/18/1978 (17.45:25.43 GMT) at
       19 26 N 99 7 W  (near the northeast quadrant of Mexico ,City
    Mexico) and while the concepts seems to be in agreement with
    the Hitchcock Theorem ( General postulates in several variations
     on the theme in several peer reviewed publications submitted
    circa 1926 ~ 1980 http://www.mysterynet.com/hitchcock/bio.shtml
    They are factual in nature unlike Hitchcock's mental constructs...)

    "|-|erc":

    One night, this guy was on the side of the road,  hitch-hiking on a very
    dark night, in the middle of a terrible storm.

    Physical Translator Applied:

    (A specific time span after the earths rotation places Sol below the
    visible horizon from the observer at 19 26 N 99 7 W, a individual
    observer was attempting to transfer his mass via imparted energy
    conversion by combustion powered source while having a local
    increase in relative mass due to Dehydrate Oxide saturation of
    the observers textile coverings)

    "|-|erc":

    The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

    Physical Translator Applied:

    (The atmospheric condition were unstable with a massive condensation
    due to vapor being cooled by uplifting low level thermally warmed
    dense fluid / gaseous flows of  saturated gas mixture with Dehydrate
    Oxide in vapor form. once the warm gas/vapor mixture contacts
    the cooler upper atmospheric levels the DO (H2O) condensed out
    in quantities approaching 2 inches per minute limiting visual
    observation at greater than 2 but less than 5 feet....)

    "|-|erc":

    Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stopping alongside
    him in the rain.

    Physical Translator Applied:

    (In an observed instant of time , the aforementioned observer observed
    a combustion power vehicle approaching at an undetermined velocity
    in relation to the observer, as the vehicle was within a unspecified
    distance of the observer it converted the internal system inertia into
    thermal energy by frictional conversion until its forward momentum
    was reduced to 0 while Dehydrate Oxide continued at previously
    stated rates....)

    "|-|erc":

    The guy got in the car and closed the door, and only then realized that
    nobody was behind the wheel!

    Physical Translator Applied:

    (The observer opened the vehicle and entered the vehicle sealing
    the enter access panel behind him,  Only at that point specific time
    did the observer detect that he was the only participant in the
    experiment....)

    "|-|erc":

    The car starts up again, very, very slowly.

    Physical Translator Applied:

    The vehicle for no apparent observable, detectable
    causation gains at a slow rate forward momentum following
    the curvature of the frictional surface it is in contact with....)

    "|-|erc":

    The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way.

    Physical Translator Applied:

    (The Observer detects a curvature forward of his relative
    position which he could observe no method for the vehicle
    to maintain the same path as the frictional surface...)

    "|-|erc":

    Terrified, he starts to pray, begging for his life.

    Physical Translator Applied:

    ( this cause great concern to the observer in that he had
    also gained considerable momentum he considered an
    AlterNet theory, while no evidence had been presented
    of this opposing theory at that period he considered its
    intrinsic value....)

    "|-|erc":

    He is almost in a complete state of shock when, just before the
    car goes into the curve, a hand appears thru the window and
    moves the steering wheel.

    Physical Translator Applied:

    (The observer noted a increase of adrenalin levels with a
    sense of narrowed vision and release of a mixture of urine,
    Dehydrate Oxide further saturating his textile coverings when
    he observed a humanoid hand appear from the limited vision
    situation imposed by the dehydrate oxide flow rate, moving
    the control mechanism of the vehicle allowing the following
    of the contacted frictional surface....)

    "|-|erc":

    The hitch-hiker, paralyzed in terror, saw out of the corner of his eyes
    how the hand appears every time they approach a curve.

    Physical Translator Applied:

    (The observer continued the saturation of the vehicles seating area
    while in a trance like state as he observed that repeatable and
    verifiably the aforementioned hand appeared each time the frictional
    surface curved , controlling its direction in relation the
    contacted frictional surface.....)

    "|-|erc":

    The guy, gathering strength, finally jumps out of the slowly
    moving car and runs all the way to the nearest town.

    Physical Translator Applied:

    (The observer made the experimental variance in his forward
    velocity alter by lateral force application, exiting the
    vehicle and transferring his forward momentum into frictional
    thermal conversion to the observers tissue around the face and
    eyes.  At that point the observer uses bipedal transport at
    his highest rate of conversion too gain a secondary frame
    of reference at some location that maintained a storage
    of  CH3CH2OH ...)

    "|-|erc":

    Wet and in shock,  he goes into a bar, asks for two
    shots of tequila, and sobbing,  starts telling everybody
    about the horrible experience he just went through.

    Physical Translator Applied:

    (Saturated from both internal and external sources he
    enters the closest storage center and requests 2 X 2oz of
    a mixture of  CH3CH2OH produced from extractions and
    biological conversion of the  C12H22O11 to CH3CH2OH
    along with small amounts of residual compounds from
    the biomass of the Agave tequilana plant, and had a noted
    tear production from the previous described observations.
    At his point he made a verbal presentation of the observed
    elements of the stated time frame to a group of his peers to
    gain feedback on his postulate of the events....)

    "|-|erc":

    A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the
    guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

    Physical Translator Applied:

    ( In a minimum time frame the background noise level
    reduced to a minimum level when his peers considered
    his dissertation of the observed events and were thoughtfully
    considering his position while formulating a formal
    response...)

    "|-|erc":

    A few minutes  later,  two guys walked into the same bar.
    They saw the man weeping at the bar, and one guy said
    to the other, "Look,  there at the bar, that's the idiot that got
    in the car while we were pushing it!"

    Physical Translator Applied:

    ( In a short period while the gathering of the observers peers
    considered the postulate two other observers arrived to give
    an opposing postulate as applied to the observed events from
    a different frame of reference,  Stating to the gathering that the
    first observer was devoid of intellectual content and nothing
    more than a pompous asshole who would not know science from
    directed on topic posting of constructs to internet based news groups.
    And that if the first observer had bothered to understand the rules
    of physics or even biological concepts he would have ignored the
    observations as errors in perceptions as they would have been in
    direct conflict with existing rules that have been verified many
    times,  so the general observation is that the first observer was
    in error but failed to recognize the error and continued the error
    as he formed his postulate.....)

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    From: aroy@cs.uoregon.edu (amitabha roy)

                               New Latex commands

       We propose the following extensions to the current version of Latex.
    We anticipate that it will help many struggling scientists who agonize
    over the correct formatting of their scientific papers.

    \wave:

    The generic \wave command : this is used to simulate waving various
    objects in your documents.

     For example, a difficult proof for a theorem can be effectively
    finished with a \wave{\hand} command.

     A criticism of someone who caught errors in your previous papers can be
    made scathing with the \wave{\finger} command.

     We also recommend that all papers finish with a friendly \wave{\bye}
    command,

    \namedrop:

     This powerful extension allows the scientist to justify research of
    dubious value with a set of names chosen from an extensive database. The
    database consists of names such as Don Knuth, Alan Turing, Andrew Wiles
    , Einstein.  The database also contains a list of all the papers that
    these illustrious scientists have written. \namedrop chooses a random
    paper corresponding to the name chosen.

     We realize that \namedrop has a severe limitation. After all, an
    unproven and outrageous claim cannot always be attributed to the name of
    a living (or recently dead) person. There are people who actually cross
    check all references - no, really !  To obviate this difficulty, we
    propose the all powerful \namedrop{God} command.

     The citation at the end of the paper becomes

    [5] God, personal communication.

     There are options on choosing Gods from a variety of religions.
    {\namedrop{God{Vishnu}}} The only drawback in using this option is that
    one can only cite Gods from one religion in a paper.  For some
    inexplicable reason, Latex does not work if we allow the multiple
    religion option.

    Verbose commands:

     Following Seinfeld, we also have a \yada-yada command which substitutes
    randomly chosen text (from a database) to fill up several pages.  We do
    not recommend that this option is used to fill up the whole paper as
    that may look suspicious.  If one needs to do that, we strongly
    recommend that the \namedrop{God} option and the powerful \wave{\knife}
    option be used liberally at the beginning of the paper.  Currently, we
    only have Kitty Kelly's masterpiece "Jackie Oh!"  in our database.

    \graphs:

     This option allows the user to include graphs that simulate actual
    statistical experiments into the paper.  The graph usually have the
    following characteristic: there is one best case line and one worst case
    line. There are options to refer to others' experiments for the worst
    case.  This is a powerful tool to criticize your colleagues work with
    scientific proof and not just words.

    We are excited about bringing these tools in front of the scientific
    community.  Please send us your responses (aroy@cs.uoregon.edu) about
    further additions to the list.

    (joint work with Chris)

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    From: "Vadim Zelenkov" <zelenkov@gray.isir.minsk.by>
                                        GRAMMAR

    [This is not really science, but it *was* published in Physical Review
    Letters.]

    It is said that back in the 1940's, the following message was prominently
    displayed at the front of the main chemistry lecture hall at a major
    university:

         The English language is your most versatile
         scientific instrument. Learn to use it with
         precision.

    In the intervening years, the teaching of proper grammar in the public
    elementary and high schools fell into disfavor. The inevitable result is
    that manuscripts submitted to us are often full of grammatical errors,
    which their authors probably do not even recognize (and often would not
    care about if they did).

    We regard this state of affairs as deplorable, and we want to do something
    about it. For many years we have tried to correct the grammar of papers
    that we publish. This is toilsome at best, and sometimes entails rather
    substantial rephrasing. It would obviously be preferable to have authors
    use correct grammar in the first place. The problem is how to get them to
    do it.

    One fairly effective way is to provide examples of what not to do; it is
    particularly helpful if the examples are humorous. We have recently seen
    several lists of grammatical examples of this type. A few weeks ago we
    found taped to a colleague's office door the most complete one we have
    seen. (He tells us it was passed out in a class of Darthmouth - not in
    English - at the time a term paper was assigned). We reproduce it here in
    the hope that it will have some effect.

     1 Make sure each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
     2 Just between you and I, the case of pronoun is important.
     3 Watch out for irregular verbs which have crope into English.
     4 Verbs has to agree in number with their subjects.
     5 Don't use no double negatives.
     6 Being bad grammar, a writer should not use dangling modifiers.
     7 Join clauses good like a conjunction should.
     8 A writer must be not shift your point of view.
     9 About sentence fragments.
    10 Don't use run-on sentences you got to punctuate them.
    11 In letters essays and reports use commas to separate items in series.
    12 Don't use commas, which are not necessary.
    13 Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
    14 Its important to use apostrophes right in everybodys writing.
    15 Don't abbrev.
    16 Check to see if you any words out.
    17 In the case of a report, check to see that jargonwise, it's A-OK.
    18 As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong.
    19 About repetition, the repetition of a word might be real effective
       repetition - take, for instance the repetition of Abraham Lincoln.
    20 In my opinion, I think that an author when he is writing should
        definitely not get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary
        words that he does not really need in order to put his message across.
    21 Use parallel construction not only to be concise but also clarify.
    22 It behooves us all to avoid archaic expressions.
    23 Mixed metaphors are a pain in the neck and ought to be weeded out.
    24 Consult the dictionery to avoid mispelings.
    25 To ignorantly split an infinitive is a practice to religiously avoid.
    26 Last but not least, lay of cliches.

    George L. Trigg
    Phys.Rev.Lett., 42, 12, 748 (1979).

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    Articles are warped by "unexplained acronyms, cryptic symbols, endless
    sentences, and monstrous graphs".  Analyzing the psychology of why this
    exists, Phillip Schewe (American Institute of Physics, US) says:

    "You lose all your readers, but at least you can't be accused of being an
    idiot.  Instead, the readers are made to feel like they're idiots."
     (Science, 15 Aug 97)

physics
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    From:               S.D.Appleton@newcastle.ac.uk (Shaun Appleton)

    As seen in Physics World Feb. '93 (the Institute of Physics monthly mag.)

    "Last month saw the issue of a preprint from CERN's theory division by
    D Hajdukovic and H Satz:- 'Does the one-dimensional Ising model show
    intermittency?' asks the title.  For those who understand the question
    but are uninterested in the details, the abstract is commendably and
    may be unprecendently succint... 'NO.'

    I wish all academics would write like this.

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    From:   Ian Davis <davis@licre.ludwig.edu.au>
    Clearly no-one in this group has read my thesis.  This would have fit
    right in.  I can write an outline of his dissertation for him now if you
    like:

    Dedication page:
    Thank the Academy.  Suck up to supervisor.
    Include cool quotes.  Suggest:
    "Still just a potatoe" - B Simpson
    "A mouse is an animal that if killed in sufficiently many and creative
    ways will generate a PhD."
    "I refrain from publishing for fear that disputes and controversies may
    be raised against me by ignoramuses." - Sir Isaac Newton, correspondence
    to Liebniz

    Publications resulting from this work:
    Cite UseNet posts
    Article for college newsletter
    The Nature paper

    Chapter 1 - Literature review
    Listing of my bookshelf

    Chapter 2 - Materials and methods
    Not quite a billion but let's call it a billion cos it's a cool acronym
    array linking 20 486 processors on the number 13 bus to the station.
    Pizza.
    Beer.
    Cheap porno movies.

    Chapter 3 - Results
    Nothing yet.

    Chapter 4 - Method modification 1
    Nothing yet.

    Chapter 5 - Method modification 2
    Turn on power.
    Nothing yet.

    Chapter 6 - Method modification 3
    Remove Minesweeper from array.
    Definite signal originating from Epsilon 3.  Clear indication of
    intelligent life.
    Further studies indicate that signal may also be due to fridge light
    coming on during ancillary SECB (Search for Extra Can of Beer) project.
    Discounted.  Paper accepted by Nature.

    Chapter 7 - Discussion and conclusions
    More studies are required.

    References
    Nature paper.
    600 distantly related papers picked up on computer literature search but
    not actually read.
    Consciously omit reference to Cassidy FJ and Whitford A: Unusual "love
    waves" recorded above the Cascadia Subduction Zone.  Seismologial
    Research Letters 67(6):49-51, 1991, describing seismic event induced by
    a young couple unaware that they were on the surface of a seismic vault
    in a quiet wood.

    Hope this helps.  No need to acknowledge me in the thesis.

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 8. academic life - general
- 8.1 rules for research
- 8.2 rules for writing an article
- 8.3 academic life poetry
- 8.4 research quotes
- 8.5 publish and explanation quotes
- 8.6 In the classroom
- 8.7 graduate students
- 8.8 exams
- 8.9 love life
- 8.10 students
- 8.11 staff
- 8.12 remarkable academic institutes

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