## 9. MISCELLANY

#### Subsections

- 9. miscellany - general
- 9.1 poetry
- 9.2 Einstein quotes
- 9.3 other quotes
- 9.4 terms and definitions
- 9.5 The Nerd test and other tests.
- 9.6 Murphy's law
- 9.7 proof methods

### 9.4 TERMS AND DEFINITIONS

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

Special Category: Definitions and terms

mathematics
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    Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679, English philosopher)
     In Geometry (which is the only science that it hath pleased God hitherto
    to bestow on mankind) men begin at settling the significations of their
    words; wich ... they call Definitions.
      (In: Leviathan (1651)

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    From: davep <davep@quik.com>
    Scientist:  A specialist in signs.

physics chemistry biology
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    From 8643mrail%umbsky.dnet@ns.umb.edu Sat Oct 16 04:20:01 1999
    From somewhere at UMass/Lowell

    				THE LAST WORD
    		     The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary

    Activation Energy:  	The useful quantity of energy available in one cup
    			of coffee.

    Atomic Theory:		A mythological explanation of the nature of matter,
    			first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now
    			thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation.
    			Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer
    			simulation have failed.  Instead, it has been
    			demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend
    			upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally
    			upon the month of his or her birth.  This apparent
    			astrological connection, at last, vindicates the
    			alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all
    			science.

    Bacon, Roger:		An English friar who dabbled in science and made
    			experimentation fashionable.  Bacon was the first
    			science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and
    			talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad
    			diets of the period.

    Biological Science:	A contradiction in terms.

    Bunsen Burner:		A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for
    			brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling
    			the chemist to be poisoned without having to go all
    			the way to the company cafeteria.

    Butyl:			An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant-
    			smelling alcohol.

    CAI:			Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction".  The modern
    			system of training professional scientists without
    			ever exposing them to the hazards and expense of
    			laboratory work.  Graduates of CAI-based programs are
    			very good at simulated research.

    Cavendish:		A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce
    			remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads
    			to major scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a
    			British research laboratory where the tobacco is
    			smoked in abundance.

    Chemical:		A substance that:  1)  An organic chemist turns into a
    			foul odor;  2)  an analytical chemist turns into a
    			procedure;  3)  a physical chemist turns into a
    			straight line;  4)  a biochemist turns into a helix;
    			5)  a chemical engineer turns into a profit.

    Chemical Engineering:	The practice of doing for a profit what an organic
    			chemist only does for fun.

    Chromatography:		(From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing])  The
    			practice of submitting manuscripts for publication
    			with the original figures drawn in non-reproducing
    			blue ink.

    Clinical Testing:	The use of humans as guinea pigs.  (See also PHAR-
    			MACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY)

    Compound:		To make worse, as in:  1)  A fracture;  2)  the
    			mutual adulteration of two or more elements.

    Computer Resources:	The major item of any budget, allowing for the
    			acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete
    			before the purchase request is released.

    Eigen Function:		The use to which an eigen is put.

    En:			The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination
    			chemists.  For years, efforts were made to use ethylene-
    			diamine for this purpose, but chemists were unable
    			to squeeze all the letters between the corners of
    			the octahedron diagram.  The timely invention of
     			en in 1947 revolutionized the science.

    Evaporation Allowance:	The volume of alcohol that the graduate students
    			can drink in a year's time.

    Exhaustive Methylation:	A marathon event in which the participants methylate
    			until they drop from exhaustion.

    First Order Reaction:	The reaction that occurs first, not always the one
    			desired.  For example, the formation of brown gunk in
    			an organic prep.

    Flame Test:		Trial by fire.

    Genetic Engineering:	A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have been
    			doing informally all along.

    Grignard:		A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic
    			exams and never in real life.

    Inorganic Chemistry:	That which is left over after the organic, analytical,
    			and physical chemists get through picking over the
    			periodic table.

    Mercury:		(From L.  Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods)
    			Element No. 80, so named because of the speed of which
    			one of its compounds (calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through
    			the human digestive tract.  The element is perhaps
    			misnamed, because the gods probably would not be
    			pleased by the physiological message so delivered.

    Monomer:		One mer.  (Compare POLYMER).

    Natural Product:	A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory
    			when they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty,
    			while Nature gets no credit for making it with great
    			ease.

    Organic Chemistry:	The practice of transmuting vile substances into
    			publications.

    Partition Function:	The function of a partition is to protect the lab
    			supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory
    			explosions.

    Pass/Fail:		An attempt by professional educators to replace the
    			traditional academic grading system with a binary one
    			that can be handled by a large digital computer.

    Pharmacology:		The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs.  (See also
    			CLINICAL TESTING, TOXICOLOGY).

    Physical Chemistry:	The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in
    			the universe.

    Pilot Plant:		A modest facility used for confirming design errors
    			before they are built into a costly, full-scale
    			production facility.

    Polymer:		Many mers.  (Compare MONOMERS).

    Prelims:		(From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion])  An
    			obligatory ritual practiced by graduate students
    			just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if the gods are
    			appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't).

    Publish or Perish:	The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and
    			oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by
    			most faculty members.

    Purple Passion:		A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of
    			grape juice and lab alcohol.

    Quantum Mechanics:	A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which
    			decay frequently to the ground state.

    Rate Equations:		(Verb phrase)  To give a grade or a ranking to a
    			formula based on its utility and applicability.  H=E,
    			for example, applies to everything everywhere, and
    			therefore rates an A.  pV=nRT, on the other hand, is
    			good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives
    			only a D+, but this grade can be changed to a B- if
    			enough empirical virial coefficients are added.

    Research:		(Irregular noun)  That which I do for the benefit of
    			humanity, you do for the money, he does to hog all the
    			glory.

    Sagan:			The international unit of humility.

    Scientific Method:	The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be
    			proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to
    			explain anything are therefore futile.

    SI:			Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle".

    Spectrophotometry:	A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman
    			nonmajors.

    Spectroscope:		A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical
    			specialists to probe and examine the spectrum.

    Toxicology:		The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred
    			especially for that purpose.  (See also CLINICAL
    			TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY).

    X-Ray Diffraction:	An occupational disorder common among physicians,
    			caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms
    			for prolonged periods.  The condition is readily
    			cured by a greater reliance on blood chemistries; the
    			lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but
    			are easier to read.

    Ytterbium:		A rare and inconsequential element, named after the
    			village of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with
    			Iturbi, the late pianist and film personality, who
    			was actually Spanish, not Swedish).  Ytterbium is
    			used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table.
    			Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane Powell's father.

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    From: labonnes@csc.albany.edu (S. LaBonne),
     fbecker@dtic.dla.mil (Francoise Becker), weitzen@temp10.physics.uiuc.edu
    (Scott Weitzenhoffer), BUTTHEAD@TRASHCAN.ESCAPE.DE (Matthias Grohmann),
    Kelvin Mok (klmok@shaw.wave.ca)

    POSITIVE, adj.  Mistaken at the top of one's voice.  -Bierce

    --------------------------------units and dimensions------------- 2
    monograms 1 diagram 8 nickles 2 paradigms 2 wharves 1 paradox

    10E5 bicycles 2 megacycles

    1 unit of suspense in an Agatha Christie novel 1 whod unit

    1 milli-Helen = the amount of beauty required to launch 1 ship
    10^6phones =1 megaphone
    10^-6phones = 1 microphone
    10**12 microphones = 1 megaphone
    10^-12los = 1 picolo
    10^9los = 1 gigalo 10**21
    picolos = 1 gigolo
    2PhDs = 1 paradox
    52 cards = 1 decacard (deck of)
    0.1 mate = 1 decimate
    10^3 sions = 1 konfusion

    Originals from Kelvin Mok:
    1 sion = 10 decisions
    10^6 maniacs = 1 megalomaniac
    10 monologues = 1 decalogue
    10 dances = 1 decadance
    500 bicycles = 1 kilocycle
    10^3wontons = 1 kiloton
    3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
    2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds = 10 meal-units in Italy

    Q: What is one-trillionth of a surprise?
    A: A pico-boo.

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    From: lpdavies@bc.seflin.org (Leslie Paul Davies)
    6.023 x 10 to the 23rd

    power alligator pears = Avocado's number

    2 pints = 1 Cavort

    Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower

    Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

    6 Curses = 1 Hexahex

    3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound

    1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents

    1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees

    1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo

    1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew

    2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League

    2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton

    10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope

    Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle

    8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss

    365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer.  = 1 Lite-year

    16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

    Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton to 1 meter per
    second

    One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon

    10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm

    1000 pains = 1 Megahertz

    1 Word = 1 Millipicture

    1 Sagan = Billions & Billions

    1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes

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    From: Frank McCoy <mccoyf@millcomm.com>

    Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

    Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:
    Knot-furlong

    1000000 aches: 1 megahurtz

    2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds

    1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

    1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen

    1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

    1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

    10 rations: 1 decoration

    8 nickels: 2 paradigms

    2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
    Hospital: 1 I.V. League

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    From: brom@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (David Bromage)

    Scientific terms made easy by Dr. Rudolf Kingslake.

    Calculus of residues: how to clean up a bathtub ring.
    Catoptric: A feline eye.
    Coma: Italian, multi toothed device for arranging ones hair.
    Commutator: A student who drives to school.
    Conic Section: Funny paper
    Corona: An officer who enquires into the manner of violent death
    Cosine: The opposite of stop sign
    Cusp: To use porfane language
    Exit pupil: A retiring student
    Flux: Past participle of "to flex"
    Gram: to review for examinations
    Graph: Principle item of bovine diet
    Ground state: Coffee before brewing.
    Harmonic function: concert
    Hermitian operator: recluse surgeon
    Humbug: noisy wire tap
    Hypotenuse: Animal like rhinoceros but with no horn on nose
    Len: Singular of lens. One surface optical instrument.
    Marginal ray: A ray of doubtful origin.
    Millimetre: A bug like a centimetre but with more legs
    Normal solution: The wrong answer
    Orifice: Headquarters or place of business
    Paradox: Two PhDs
    Polygon: An ex-parrot
    Poynting vector: A redundant term since all vectors point
    Spectra: Female ghost
    Sphere: A long pointed weapon
    Spin Operator: Owner of a ferris wheel

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    From: sbaker@oro.net (Steve Baker)
    Samples of puns --er, misdefinitions

    --you'll find buried deep inside the "Ask Dr. Science" website --
    http://www.drscience.com

    Ferric: ironic Genetic Code; Another name for so-called "Code of the West,"
    exemplified by actor Autry.  Kilogram: what scientists send instead of
    postcards Modulation: how the Golden Rule says we should do all things
    Semiconductor: part-time musician Bunsen Burner: the only safe method of
    Bunsen disposal Antidote: a brief, amusing story Fission: what atoms do for
    fun Hertz: prime ingredient in donuts Lecithin: Fat lite Neuron: What we'll
    need when Ron retires Parallax: Future perfect tense of paralyzed

    From: jhd@Radix.Net (Joseph Davidson)
    ass-toroid: mathematical name of a

    toilet seat?

    From: charlie@fia.net (charlie)
    High-tech consumer items

    Oedepus pyrex: Used for test tube babies Crater Ade: For thirsty moon
    walkers Quark Bars: Sweetness and 'charm' Bermuda Triangles: Diet breakfast
    cereal that makes pounds disappear
                        without a trace Ether Oar: Small positioning thruster
    used by NASA Preparation A: Used to relieve the pain and suffering of
    asteroids Suture Self: Home medical kit

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    From: MMandelbaum@edgewater.com

    602.3 mice = miracle enough to stagger moles of infidels
    (with a nod to Walt Whitman)

engineering
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    From: badour@umich.edu (Paul Badour)

    Special Category: Top Reasons
                         Top 26 Engineers' Terminologies
    1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
      - We are still pissing in the wind.
    2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM -
      - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
    3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
      - We know who to blame.
    4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
      - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
    5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
      - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it
    delivered.
    6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
      - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
    7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
       - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
    8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
      - The only person who understood the thing quit.
    9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
      - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
    10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
       - Forget it!  We have enough problems for now.
    11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
      - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
    12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
       - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere
         with what we've already done.
    13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
      - I can't wait to hear this bull!
    14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
      - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
      - Come to my office, I've screwed up again.
    15. ALL NEW
      - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
    16. RUGGED
       - Too damn heavy to lift!
    17. LIGHTWEIGHT
       - Lighter than RUGGED.
    18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
       - One finally worked.
    19. ENERGY SAVING
      - Achieved when the power switch is off.
    20. LOW MAINTENANCE
      - Impossible to fix if broken.  From: sapient@pearwood.demon.co.uk (Barny
    Shergold)
    21. IT IS TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE
      - I don't feel like doing it.
    22. IT DEPENDS...
      - Abandon all hope of a useful answer.
    23. THE DATA BITS ARE FLEXED THROUGH A COLLECTIMIZER WHICH STRIPS THE FLOW-
        GATE ARRAYS INTO VIRTUAL MESSAGE ELEMENTS
      - I don't know.

    From: "Little Frank" <fkubat@ticnet.com>
    24. FAX ME THE DATA.
      - I'm too lazy to write it down.
    25. WE ARE FOLLOWING THE STANDARD!
      - That's the way we have always done it!
    26. I DIDN'T GET YOUR E-MAIL.

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    Credulous - having views about the world, the universe and humanity's place
    in it that are shared only by very unsophisticated people and by the most
    intelligent and advanced mathematicians and physicists.

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    From: "James Maxwell" <jmaxw@mail.com>

    10 sentences teachers say (and their true meanings):

    1. This book is very commonly used
    (I also studied from it 40 years ago)
    2. It's important to understand what the material means in general
    (I'm not good with details)
    3. Some might say...
    (My guess is...)
    4. The answer to that question is not in the syllabus
    (I don't know the answer to your question)
    5. We'll discuss that question next week
    (I don't know the answer to your question)
    6. I'll let you search in the dictionary and find out
    (I don't know how to spell that word)
    7. Some of you could have succeeded more in the test
    (You all failed)
    8. Are there any questions about the material we learned last lesson?
    (Did any of you review the material as I asked?)
    9. Today we'll split up into small studying groups
    (I don't feel like teaching today so keep yourselves busy)
    10. The homework is due on Monday
    (Ruining your weekend is the only fun I have left in teaching)

mathematics physics chemistry
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    Special Category: Definitions and terms
                              Scientific definitions
                                       from
                     Ambrose Bierce's "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
                                    (1881-1906)

    G.J = Poetry by Father Gassalasca Jape

    The complete book can be found on the Project Gutenberg site http://www.promo.net/pg/.

    ACADEME, n.  An ancient school where morality and philosophy were
    taught.

    ACADEMY, n.  [from ACADEME]   A modern school where football is
    taught.

    AIR, n.  A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
    the fattening of the poor.

    APOTHECARY, n.  The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor
    and grave worm's provider.

      When Jove sent blessings to all men that are,
      And Mercury conveyed them in a jar,
      That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth
      Disease for the apothecary's health,
      Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim:
      "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!"

    G.J.

    ARSENIC, n.  A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom
    it greatly affects in turn.

      "Eat arsenic?  Yes, all you get,"
          Consenting, he did speak up;
      "'Tis better you should eat it, pet,
          Than put it in my teacup."

    Joel Huck

    BAROMETER, n.  An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
    weather we are having.

    BOTANY, n.  The science of vegetables -- those that are not good to
    eat, as well as those that are.  It deals largely with their flowers,
    which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-
    smelling.

    CARTESIAN, adj.  Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author
    of the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ -- whereby he was pleased
    to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence.  The dictum
    might be improved, however, thus:  _Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_ --
    "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an
    approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.

    DEINOTHERIUM, n.  An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the
    Pterodactyl was in fashion.  The latter was a native of Ireland, its
    name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man
    pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.

    DIAPHRAGM, n.  A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest
    from disorders of the bowels.

    DICTIONARY, n.  A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth
    of a language and making it hard and inelastic.  This dictionary,
    however, is a most useful work.

    EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the
    foolish their lack of understanding.

    ELECTRICITY, n.  The power that causes all natural phenomena not known
    to be caused by something else.  It is the same thing as lightning,
    and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most
    picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career.  The memory
    of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in
    France, where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition,
    bearing the following touching account of his life and services to
    science:

          "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity.  This
      illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the
      world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages,
      of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered."

      Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the
    arts and industries.  The question of its economical application to
    some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved
    that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more
    light than a horse.

    ERUDITION, n.  Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.

      So wide his erudition's mighty span,
      He knew Creation's origin and plan
      And only came by accident to grief --
      He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief.

    Romach Pute

    GEOGRAPHER, n.  A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between
    the outside of the world and the inside.

      Habeam, geographer of wide reknown,
      Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town,
      In passing thence along the river Zam
      To the adjacent village of Xelam,
      Bewildered by the multitude of roads,
      Got lost, lived long on migratory toads,
      Then from exposure miserably died,
      And grateful travelers bewailed their guide.

    Henry Haukhorn

    GEOLOGY, n.  The science of the earth's crust -- to which, doubtless,
    will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up
    garrulous out of a well.  The geological formations of the globe
    already noted are catalogued thus:  The Primary, or lower one,
    consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools,
    antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors.  The
    Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles.  The Tertiary
    comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy
    boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage,
    anarchists, snap-dogs and fools.

    GRAVITATION, n.  The tendency of all bodies to approach one another
    with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain --
    the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength
    of their tendency to approach one another.  This is a lovely and
    edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B,
    makes B the proof of A.

    HEART, n.  An automatic, muscular blood-pump.  Figuratively, this
    useful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments -- a
    very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once
    universal belief.  It is now known that the sentiments and emotions
    reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of
    the gastric fluid.  The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a
    feeling -- tender or not, according to the age of the animal from
    which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a
    caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a
    pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a
    hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh
    of sensibility -- these things have been patiently ascertained by M.
    Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity.  (See, also,
    my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and
    Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ -- 4to, 687 pp.)  In a
    scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John
    Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a
    striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's
    famous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_.

    HEAT, n.

      Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode
          Of motion, but I know now how he's proving
      His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed
          With skill will set the human fist a-moving,
      And where it stops the stars burn free and wild.
      _Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child.

    Gorton Swope

    HOMOEOPATHIST, n.  The humorist of the medical profession.

    HOMOEOPATHY, n.  A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and
    Christian Science.  To the last both the others are distinctly
    inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they
    can not.

    HURRICANE, n.  An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now
    generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone.  The hurricane is
    still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain
    old-fashioned sea-captains.  It is also used in the construction of
    the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's
    usefulness has outlasted it.

    IGNORAMUS, n.  A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge
    familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know
    nothing about.

      Dumble was an ignoramus,
      Mumble was for learning famous.
      Mumble said one day to Dumble:
      "Ignorance should be more humble.
      Not a spark have you of knowledge
      That was got in any college."
      Dumble said to Mumble:  "Truly
      You're self-satisfied unduly.
      Of things in college I'm denied
      A knowledge -- you of all beside."

    Borelli

    INSECTIVORA, n.

      "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers,
      "How Providence provides for all His creatures!"
      "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows:
      For us He has provided wrens and swallows."

    Sempen Railey

    INVENTOR, n.  A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
    levers and springs, and believes it civilization.

    LEAD, n.  A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to
    light lovers -- particularly to those who love not wisely but other
    men's wives.  Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an
    argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong
    way.  An interesting fact in the chemistry of international
    controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is
    precipitated in great quantities.

      Hail, holy Lead! -- of human feuds the great
          And universal arbiter; endowed
          With penetration to pierce any cloud
      Fogging the field of controversial hate,
      And with a sift, inevitable, straight,
          Searching precision find the unavowed
          But vital point.  Thy judgment, when allowed
      By the chirurgeon, settles the debate.
      O useful metal! -- were it not for thee
          We'd grapple one another's ears alway:
      But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee
          We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay."
      And when the quick have run away like pellets
      Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets.

    LEARNING, n.  The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

    LECTURER, n.  One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear
    and his faith in your patience.

    LOGIC, n.  The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with
    the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.  The
    basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor
    premise and a conclusion -- thus:
      _Major Premise_:  Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as
    quickly as one man.
      _Minor Premise_:  One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
    therefore --
      _Conclusion_:  Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
      This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by
    combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are
    twice blessed.

    MAGNET, n.  Something acted upon by magnetism.

    MAGNETISM, n.  Something acting upon a magnet.
      The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the
    works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the
    subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of
    human knowledge.

    MAGNITUDE, n.  Size.  Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is
    large and nothing small.  If everything in the universe were increased
    in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was
    before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be
    larger than they had been.  To an understanding familiar with the
    relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the
    astronomer would be no more impressive than those of the microscopist.
    For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a
    small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life-
    fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal.  Possibly the wee creatures
    peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper
    emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these
    to another.

    MAMMALIA, n.pl.  A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a
    state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened
    put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.

    MATERIAL, adj.  Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an
    imaginary one.  Important.

      Material things I know, or fell, or see;
      All else is immaterial to me.

    Jamrach Holobom

    MIND, n.  A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain.  Its
    chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature,
    the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing
    but itself to know itself with.  From the Latin _mens_, a fact unknown
    to that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor
    over the way had displayed the motto "_Mens conscia recti_,"
    emblazoned his own front with the words "Men's, women's and children's
    conscia recti."

    MOLECULE, n.  The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is
    distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
    of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
    indivisible unit of matter.  Three great scientific theories of the
    structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the
    atomic.  A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of
    precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the
    condensation of precipitation.  The present trend of scientific
    thought is toward the theory of ions.  The ion differs from the
    molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion.  A fifth
    theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more
    about the matter than the others.

    MONAD, n.  The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  (See
    _Molecule_.)  According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to
    be understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind without
    manifestation -- Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of
    considering.  He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which
    the creature bears without resentment, for the monad is a gentlmean.
    Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilities
    needful to his evolution into a German philosopher of the first class
    -- altogether a very capable little fellow.  He is not to be
    confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern
    him, a good microscope shows him to be of an entirely distinct
    species.

    MONKEY, n.  An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in
    genealogical trees.

    NEWTONIAN, adj.  Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented
    by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but
    was unable to say why.  His successors and disciples have advanced so
    far as to be able to say when.

    NONSENSE, n.  The objections that are urged against this excellent
    dictionary.

    NOUMENON, n.  That which exists, as distinguished from that which
    merely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon.  The noumenon is
    a bit difficult to locate; it can be apprehended only be a process of
    reasoning -- which is a phenomenon.  Nevertheless, the discovery and
    exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the
    endless variety and excitement of philosophic thought."  Hurrah
    (therefore) for the noumenon!

    OBSERVATORY, n.  A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses
    of their predecessors.

    PHILOSOPHY, n.  A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

    POSITIVISM, n.  A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and
    affirms our ignorance of the Apparent.  Its longest exponent is Comte,
    its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.

    PREHISTORIC, adj.  Belonging to an early period and a museum.
    Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.

      He lived in a period prehistoric,
      When all was absurd and phantasmagoric.
      Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded,
      Set down great events in succession and order,
      He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous
      In anything here but the lies that she threw at us.

    Orpheus Bowen

    RADIUM, n.  A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ
    that a scientist is a fool with.

    SYLLOGISM, n.  A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor
    assumption and an inconsequent.  (See LOGIC.)

    TELESCOPE, n.  A device having a relation to the eye similar to that
    of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us
    with a multitude of needless details.  Luckily it is unprovided with a
    bell summoning us to the sacrifice.

    ZOOLOGY, n.  The science and history of the animal kingdom, including
    its king, the House Fly (_Musca maledicta_).  The father of Zoology
    was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother
    has not come down to us.  Two of the science's most illustrious
    expounders were Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we
    learn (_L'Histoire generale des animaux_ and _A History of Animated
    Nature_) that the domestic cow sheds its horn every two years.

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 9. miscellany - general
- 9.1 poetry
- 9.2 Einstein quotes
- 9.3 other quotes
- 9.4 terms and definitions
- 9.5 The Nerd test and other tests.
- 9.6 Murphy's law
- 9.7 proof methods

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