## 2. PHYSICS

#### Subsections

- 2. physics - general
- 2.1 physics poetry
- 2.2 physics quotes
- 2.3 physics puns
- 2.4 pseudo physics (cat physics, cartoon physics)
- 2.5 new physical theories
- 2.6 learning physics
- 2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots)
- 2.8 physical proofs
- 2.9 physical one-liners
- 2.10 quantum mechanics (starring Schroedingers cat!)
- 2.11 relativity
- 2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer
- 2.13 physicists
- 2.14 astronomy
- 2.15 electrons
- 2.16 electro-magnetism and light
- 2.17 Newtons's laws and classical dynamics
- 2.18 thermodynamics
- 2.19 in the lab
- 2.20 strange but real findings
- 2.21 the buttered bread on cat problem

### 2.13 PHYSICISTS

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

physics
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    jotero@ix.netcom.com (Jose Otero)
    Astromers's pickupline: your telescope or mine?
    From: becker@hal4.usm.uni-muenchen.de (Sylvia R. Becker)

    ...my computer doesn't understand me anymore... might be a possibility, too.

physics
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    From: chirag jhala <jhalachirag@yahoo.com>
    a quantum physicist's pickup line :
    "your wave function or mine"

physics
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    From: chirag jhala <jhalachirag@yahoo.com>
    a kelvinist's pickup line:
    "Your thermometer or mine"

physics
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    Special Category: Nicolaus Copernicus

    From: Erin Leonard (not:Mariella Wells) Merit <wellsm@hsdemo.merit.edu>

Copernicus' parents: Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?!

physics
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    Special Category: Albert Einstein

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                             `~???MMM?M"`
                                 ``~~

              [  From a birthday photograph of Einstein  ]

physics
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    Special Category: Albert Einstein
    From: spunk1111@aol.comQQ (Spunk1111)
    I made these to be Einstein...

             ,---,_          ,
              _>   `'-.  .--'/
         .--'` ._      `/   <_
          >,-' ._'.. ..__ . ' '-.
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       `>  ,/  /___\ /___\  \_  /
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             ;_.-`.___.'-.;

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        >_   / /_\ /_\ \   _<
          / (  \o/\\o/  ) \
          >._\ .-,_)-. /_.<
      jgs     /__/ \__\
                '---'

    the hair was the toughest part...

    -joan

physics
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    Special Category: Isaac Newton
    Special Category: Albert Einstein

    From: Rick <tinkety_tonk@yahoo.com>

    Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek.
    Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den. He is supposed to count
    upto 100 and then start searching. Everyone starts hiding except Newton.
    Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it, right in front of
    Einstein.
    Einsteins counting ....97,98,99,100, opens his eyes and finds Newton
    standing in front. Einstein says "Newtons out, Newton's out."

    Newton denies and says I am not out. He claims that he is not Newton. All
    the scientists come out and he proves that he is not Newton.  how?

    scroll down...

    scroll down... further....

    His proof:

    Newton says:
    I am standing in a square of area 1m square..
    That means I am Newton per meter square..
    Hence I am Pascal.
    Since newton per meter square = Pascal

physics
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    From: Edward Ruden <ruden@plk.af.mil>

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals' primative tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.

The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal".

"Great", the astronomer replies.

The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."

physics
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    From: ale2@psu.edu (ale2)
    Special Category: Afterlife
    Special Category: Wolfgang Pauli

In Dec 1989 Physics Today ,page 9, David Gross wrote "...One of the best of the many Pauli jokes tells of Pauli's arriving in Heaven and being given, as befits a theoretical physicist, an appointment with God. When granted the customary free wish, he requests that God explain to him why the value of the fine-structure constant, alpha = e^2/(hbar*c), which measures the strength of the electric force, is 0.00729735 ....

God goes to the blackboards and starts to write furiously. Pauli watches with pleasure but soon starts shaking his head violently...."

physics
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                        THE PHYSICISTS' BILL OF RIGHTS

    (Author Unknown) We hold these postulates to be intuitively obvious,
    that all physicists are born equal, to a first approximation, and are
    endowed by their creator with certain discrete privileges, among them a
    mean rest life, n degrees of freedom, and the following rights which are
    invariant under all linear transformations:

1. To approximate all problems to ideal cases. 2. To use order of magnitude calculations whenever deemed necessary (i.e. whenever one can get away with it). 3. To use the rigorous method of "squinting" for solving problems more complex than the addition of positive real integers. 4. To dismiss all functions which diverge as "nasty" and "unphysical." 5. To invoke the uncertainty principle when confronted by confused mathematicians, chemists, engineers, psychologists, dramatists, and other lower scientists. 6. When pressed by non-physicists for an explanation of (4) to mumble in a sneering tone of voice something about physically naive mathematicians. 7. To equate two sides of an equation which are dimensionally inconsistent, with a suitable comment to the effect of, "Well, we are interested in the order of magnitude anyway." 8. To the extensive use of "bastard notations" where conventional mathematics will not work. 9. To invent fictitious forces to delude the general public. 10. To justify shaky reasoning on the basis that it gives the right answer. 11. To cleverly choose convenient initial conditions, using the principle of general triviality. 12. To use plausible arguments in place of proofs, and thenceforth refer to these arguments as proofs. 13. To take on faith any principle which seems right but cannot be proved.

physics
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    From: ostrich_jokes@hotmail.com (KinkyOstrich.com)

    There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite
    late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick
    on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like hell. His
    wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came
    home so late.

    His story:

    "Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and I went out to
    the bar for a few drinks. We met up with some rather good-looking
    young women, and started to drink to excess; things just kept
    happening, as you can well see. I sobered up enough to note how late
    it was, so I rushed home."

    She said, "YOU LIAR!! YOU WERE IN THE LAB AGAIN, WEREN'T YOU???!!!"

physics
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    From: mj@redbud (MJ Kahn)
    Lightbulb list

    Special Category: How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb
    Q: How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb.
    A: Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.
    From:BRIAN6@VAXC.MDX.AC.UK (cannonical lightbulb collection)

    Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?

    A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.
       (Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to
       be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being
       infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)
    Q:  How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the
        new bulb.
    From: Dave Borger <borger@ix.netcom.com>
    Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None, once they have observed it is out it has already changed.
    Special Category: Werner Heisenberg
    Q:  How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
    Q:  How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A:  None, astronomers prefer the dark.
    Q:  How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
    A:  None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
    From: Joao Batista <fbatista@cc.fc.ul.pt>
    Q:      How many particle physicists are necessary to change a light bulb?
    A:      Two hundred: 136 to smash it up + 64 to analyse the tiny pieces.

    Q: How many MIT students does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: five --one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing,
       one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked
       lightbulb, two to install it.

physics
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    Special Category: How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb
    From: "David R. Palmer" <mrmacro@starband.net> (original)
    Q.  How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?

    A.  Depends on whether you look at it....

physics
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    From: Raymond W Jensen <rwj+@andrew.cmu.edu>
    Q:What do you get when you cross a Hell's Angel and a nerdy physics major?
    A:A guy that has Maxwell's Equations tatooed on his chest.

physics
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    From: wiestt@rl.af.mil (Todd E. Wiest)

    Q.)  What's the difference between a mathematician and a physicist?
    A.)  A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a strait
    line while a physicist wants more data!!!

mathematics physics
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    From: weishaup@carina.unm.edu (Benjamin Jones)

    After taking a course in mathematical physics, I wanted to know the real
    difference between Mathematics and Physicists.  A professor friend told me
     "A Physicist is someone who averages the first 3 terms of a divergent series"
    Schrodinger's Cat experiment.

physics
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    From: "G - P" <GP@Girdle.Popper.Com>
    Special Category: You might be a scientist if...
                            YOU MIGHT BE A PHYSICS MAJOR...

    if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.

    if you enjoy pain.

    if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

    if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

    if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

    if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.

    if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

    if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

    if you always do homework on Friday nights.

    if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

    if you think in "math."

    if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.

    if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down
    its wave function.

    if you have a pet named after a scientist.

    if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

    if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the
    Schrodinger's cat experiment.

    if you can translate English into Binary.

    if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building
    which says "Exit."

    if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because
    there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

    If you are completely addicted to caffeine.

    if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the
    eventual heat-death of the universe.

    if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."

    if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have
    accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to
    Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

    if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

    if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math
    easier.

    if you understood more than five of these indicators.

    if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

    If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that
    you might be classified as a physics major.  I hope this clears up any
    confusion.

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    Special Category: Richard Feynman
    From: Keith Michaels <keith.r.michaels@boeing.com>

#### If Richard Feynman applied for a job at Microsoft

Interviewer: "Now comes the part of the interview where we ask a question to test your creative thinking ability. Don't think too hard about it, just apply everyday common sense, and describe your reasoning process." "Here's the question: Why are manhole covers round?" Feynman: "They're not. Some manhole covers are square. It's true that there are SOME round ones, but I've seen square ones, and rectangular ones." Interviewer: "But just considering the round ones, why are they round?" Feynman: "If we are just considering the round ones, then they are round by definition. That statement is a tautology." Interviewer: "I mean, why are there round ones at all?" "Is there some particular value to having round ones?" Feynman: "Yes. Round covers are used when the hole they are covering up is also round. It's simplest to cover a round hole with a round cover." Interviewer: "Can you think of a property of round covers that gives them an advantage over square ones?" Feynman: "We have to look at what is under the cover to answer that question. The hole below the cover is round because a cylinder is the strongest shape against the compression of the earth around it. Also, the term "manhole" implies a passage big enough for a man, and a human being climbing down a ladder is roughly circular in cross-section. So a cylindrical pipe is the natural shape for manholes. The covers are simply the shape needed to cover up a cylinder." Interviewer: "Do you believe there is a safety issue? I mean, couldn't square covers fall into the hole and hurt someone?" Feynman: "Not likely. Square covers are sometimes used on prefabricated vaults where the access passage is also square. The cover is larger than the passage, and sits on a ledge that supports it along the entire perimeter. The covers are usually made of solid metal and are very heavy. Let's assume a two-foot square opening and a ledge width of 1-1/2 inches. In order to get it to fall in, you would have to lift one side of the cover, then rotate it 30 degrees so that the cover would clear the ledge, and then tilt the cover up nearly 45 degrees from horizontal before the center of gravity would shift enough for it to fall in. Yes, it's possible, but very unlikely. The people authorized to open manhole covers could easily be trained to do it safely. Applying common engineering sense, the shape of a manhole cover is entirely determined by the shape of the opening it is intended to cover." Interviewer (troubled): "Excuse me a moment; I have to discuss something with my management team." (Leaves room.) (Interviewer returns after 10 minutes) Interviewer: We are going to recommend you for immediate hiring into the marketing department."

physics
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    From: Joachim Verhagen.
    Special Category: Famous last words
                                 Famous last words

    Nuclear physicist: See, cold fusion does not work.

    Nuclear physisist: What was the critical mass, exactly?

    Physisist:  And now we reach absolute zero.

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 2. physics - general
- 2.1 physics poetry
- 2.2 physics quotes
- 2.3 physics puns
- 2.4 pseudo physics (cat physics, cartoon physics)
- 2.5 new physical theories
- 2.6 learning physics
- 2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots)
- 2.8 physical proofs
- 2.9 physical one-liners
- 2.10 quantum mechanics (starring Schroedingers cat!)
- 2.11 relativity
- 2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer
- 2.13 physicists
- 2.14 astronomy
- 2.15 electrons
- 2.16 electro-magnetism and light
- 2.17 Newtons's laws and classical dynamics
- 2.18 thermodynamics
- 2.19 in the lab
- 2.20 strange but real findings
- 2.21 the buttered bread on cat problem

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