## 2. PHYSICS

#### Subsections

- 2. physics - general
- 2.1 physics poetry
- 2.2 physics quotes
- 2.3 physics puns
- 2.4 pseudo physics (cat physics, cartoon physics)
- 2.5 new physical theories
- 2.6 learning physics
- 2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots)
- 2.8 physical proofs
- 2.9 physical one-liners
- 2.10 quantum mechanics (starring Schroedingers cat!)
- 2.11 relativity
- 2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer
- 2.13 physicists
- 2.14 astronomy
- 2.15 electrons
- 2.16 electro-magnetism and light
- 2.17 Newtons's laws and classical dynamics
- 2.18 thermodynamics
- 2.19 in the lab
- 2.20 strange but real findings
- 2.21 the buttered bread on cat problem

### 2.21 THE BUTTERED BREAD ON CAT PROBLEM

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

physics
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    From: ken@capitalnet.com (Ken)

              BUTTERED BREAD ON THE BACK OF A CAT: WHAT FALLS FIRST.

    Daniel D. Van Hoy wrote:
    >Just think: When you drop a cat from a few feet, it lands upright.
    >Also think: When you drop a piece of buttered bread, it lands with
    >the buttered side down
    >Now think: If you strapped a piece of buttered bread to the back
    >of a cat, which would land first.

    First the source of the forces must be understood. The force acting on the
    bread is not the butter, as some may think. Without the bread, butter
    wouldn't land bread side up, and therefore the force could not possibly be
    in the butter. We know the force is not the bread because it has been
    experimentally proven that bread does not land any particular side down
    without butter. The bread/butter force is caused by the fusing of bread and
    butter particles together. This fusion causes energy to be released in the
    form of shifting gravity and anti-gravity energy to opposite sides of the
    bread/butter continuum. The gravity energy naturally shifts to the butter
    since it is denser then the bread, while the anti-gravity energy shifts to
    the bread side.

    The energy in a cat for landing on its feet comes from the feet themselves.
    This has been proven experimentally. Cats without feet have a near zero
    success rate of landing on their feet. We will call this energy cat foot
    energy.

    Considering the equal but opposing bread/butter and cat foot forces one
    would expect the cat to spin violently about its axis. However the strength
    of these forces must be considered. A regular cat is not structurally
    stable enough to withstand the torque the spinning causes. I should not
    have to describe the way the cat's limbs give way, the way the legs wrench
    around until the feet are on the same side of the cat as the butter. And
    thus the cat can then land on its feet, butter side down.

    We are now researching the possibility of using structurally reinforced
    cats for levitation systems, but so far the cost is too high to be
    practical. Several attempts at producing economically viable systems were
    made by separating the feet so that the instability of the cat would not be
    a factor. At first there was dificulty because there was no cat to tie the
    bread to. Later it was discovered that when not attached to a cat the feet
    lost their cat foot force over time. It is hypothesized that the feet need
    to be living to exert the cat foot force, and so far no practical method
    has been found for keeping the feet alive other than a cat.

    Attempts are also being made to breed flat cats with no legs (only feet).

    There are many other problems related with this method of levitation as you
    may well imagine, but they are beyond the scope of this discussion.

    Harold G Sputsberry PHD
    Institute for Alternative Energy Research

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    From: Lizabeth Henderson
    [The following question was originally posed by Steven Wright.]
    Question: If you strapped a slice of buttered bread to the back
    of a cat, which way down would it land?

    [Well, here's an explication of that question...]

    I'm glad you asked this question.

    IF WHEN YOU DROP A BUTTERED PIECE OF BREAD, IT DROPS BUTTER SIDE DOWN AND A
    CAT ALWAYS LANDS ON ITS FEET. WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU TOOK A PIECE OF
    BUTTERED BREAD, STRAPPED IT ON THE BACK OF A CAT (BUTTER SIDE UP) AND
    DROPPED IT OFF CENTERPOINT TOWER?

    Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able
    to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the
    butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline
    aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back.

    If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve
    this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

    That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you
    have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when
    released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and
    butter repulsion are in equilibrium.  This equilibrium point can be
    modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing
    some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

    Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to
    drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard
    by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred
    tabbies.

    The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread
    off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land
    on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right
    after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and
    pissed off aliens crash on top of them.

physics
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    From: Paul Matthews (paulmatt@triton.u-net.com)

    Q:If you dropped a cat with a piece of buttered toast tied to its back (
    butter side up of course) Which way up would it land?

    A:This is the secret of levitation. Toast ALWAYS lands butter side down,
    but cats always land on their feet, so the combination will hover just
    above ground level rotating, neither the cat nor toast able to land.

    From: Daniel Marshall <9774327@Narga.Sun.ac.za>
    Here is Physical proof from a Physics Student!

    Well Acording to Newtons third law, a force acting upon an object will
    exert an equal but opposite force on the adjacent object. The cat exerts
    a force say C on the toast, which in mathematical notation is Ft = -C =
    ( Mass of cat )x g.

    Acording to Murphys law of probability, any event in a constant time
    frame is said to happen to the inverse of the most prefferable. In this
    case, we have only two possible cases, P(T = toast) lands buttered side
    up or Ti=1-P(T) (Inverse probability of toast) landing downwward.

    But From our previous metion of Murphys Law, we can clealy see that P(T)
    = 0( or 0% of it happening ) and P(T) = 1 ( or 100% of it happening ).

    Thus this is an equilibrium problem as there are two forces acting in
    two different directions namely T and C. If The Air resistance is taken
    into consideration, and we have that C = T then if the toast is placed
    only slightly to the side of the center of gravity of the cat then we
    have a non-equilibral condition. So this then implies a rotational
    tourqe ( call it t for short ). The t can be calculated by applying the
    tangental force aplied multiplied by the cross product of the radius r
    of the cat to the toast. So

    t = Cos(theta)x r x ( Aplied force )

    But this aplied force is quite weak as it's only reliant on air
    resistance. But this then presents us with another problem. We have a
    conflict of laws of phyics and phylosophy ( ie. Murphy vs Newton )
    Ienstein in his thesis on general relativety however sshowed that
    Newton's III law does not always aply to Objects nearing the speed of
    light. So the only conclution that we can draw is that the cat with the
    toast strapped to its back will rotate at near light speeds. However,
    the closer one gets to the center of the cat the faster the cat will
    have to spin. So the cat will not only spin, but be completely mangled
    in the process by the fact that Its insides spin faster that it's skin
    and outer flesh!

    The law that cat's also land on there feet is also going to play a part
    n this disscusion. Whe released, The two forces C and T will
    simulaniously act opon one another, causing the cat and the toast to
    iether shoot upwards indefenetly increasing in speed as gravity
    decreaces the further one is away from earth or hover or plummet
    downwards. The latter seems the most feesable, with a difference however
    that it will not stop. The immence rotations of the cat and toast will
    generate enormous amounts of heat as it comes into contact with the
    ground through friction and tunnel downwards eventuall reaching the
    center of the earth. By that time the cat's legs wil have been eroded
    away and the butter will be off the toast and thus the laws which we
    first used do not apply any more. So to cat will stop spinning somewhere
    in the earths crust.

    I hope that helps!

    From: "Peter T Wood" <ptwood@dezzanet.net.au>
    I DEMAND AN END TO ALL THIS!!!
    My seventeen hovering pussies are not amused.
    Although I should perhaps tell you that after careful experimentation
    regarding the thickness, composition, and density of the thread, I have
    determined that the rate of descent of the pussy/toast-unit can be
    accurately adjusted. This is particularly useful as a sort of timing
    device. Since the combination eventually lands with such commotion (due to
    the opposing effects of the toast/pussycat laws), ones attention is
    invariably drawn to it. Events such as putting out the garbage, watching
    the 6 0'clock news, or cooking eggs spring readily to mind. When the
    frustrated, bewildered, agitated, and terrified pussy is finally coaxed out
    from under the bed, the device can easily be reset by using the appropriate
    thread for the time frame required, and then simply hurling it into the
    air. I have also discovered that the rate of descent is also related to the
    cost of the carpet. Perhaps Mr. Marshall could calculate the appropriate
    formula?

physics
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    From: "Ed Murphy" <emurphy42@socal.rr.com>

    The string (used to tie the buttered toast to the cat) will come loose, the
    cat will land on its feet, the toast will land buttered side down, and the
    string will land so as to cause maximum damage.

    Simple application of Murphy's Law.

physics
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    Flaws In the Flying Cat Theory: A Response

    Special to the Coastal Beacon

    A logical analysis of the BFAD (Buttered Feline Antigravity Drive)
    propulsion theory clearly demonstrates the impossibility of such a system.

    Let us begin with a simple analysis.

    1) Buttered bread must fall butter side down.
    2) A cat always lands on its feet.

    While both theorems are indisputable, the oracle offers no proof of the
    construct. The oracle implies that anyone who 'would' test this construct
    would immediately find the secret of BFAD.

    This is clearly nonsense.

    Let us assume a normal Einsteinian universe (although a Euclidean universe
    would serve our purposes just as well, the Einsteinian is both cheaper and
    drinks are readily available.)

    To test BFAD, one must procure:

    Bread
    Butter (margarine, for some reason, will not work)
    A cat
    A strapping device.

    Let us assume that all of these are readily available.

    Attach the strapping device to the cat.

    See?

    No cat.

    what has happened? We have run up against an a priori universal law. By a
    priori, we mean that it takes priority over either the Buttered Bread
    Principle or the Law of Feline Landings.

    What happens is that the instant a strapping device and a cat occupy the
    same four dimensional space, the cat disappears.

    Now, this can easily be tested, and has been repeatedly. There are two
    schools of thought about this phenomenon.

    The first holds that a cat and a strapping device are constituted out of
    different fundamental building blocks. According to this theory, a cat is
    constituted primarily of superquarks, (called meows by current theorists.)
    These superquarks demonstrate qualities that are both atomic (constituted as
    they are of groupings of normal quark particles) and feline (because these
    quarks exhibit characteristic of "charmed"  or "lucky" particles.) Again,
    according to this theory, strapping materials are fashioned out of
    non-charmed particles. Bringing the two together causes one or the other to
    cancel out. One aspect of this theory that has not been sufficiently
    explained to date is the fact that it is always the cat, not the strapping
    device, that disappears.

    The second school of thought, and it is one that appears to be gaining
    ground in academic circles today, holds that cats are, in fact,
    super-intelligent pan-dimensional beings who exist in our four dimensional
    universe only because there is plenty of good food and a lot of creatures
    stupid enough to provide the food, along with plenty of attention. Whenever
    a strapping device appears, the cat simply opens a door to a different
    series of dimensions, and goes on an extended tour.

    According to this theory, purring is a cat's way of maintaining a constant
    balance cycling across multiple dimensions. This school holds that
    antigravity is impossible, but that theoretically, a REALLY good grip on a
    cat, while reaching for a strapping device, could result in our ability to
    cross dimensions with ease (barring scratches, that is.) Pessimists argue
    That if there was anything really interesting in those other dimensions,
    cats wouldn't spend so much time here, so why ask for a good scratching?

physics
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    From: FLIX@CORNELLC.cit.cornell.edu ( John Voigt)

                          Cornell Information Technologies
                                  (smirk, science)

    *  *  *  *  *   P  R  E  S  S       R  E  L  E  A  S  E   *  *  *  *  *

    April 1, 1992 - Itchyca, NY - For immediate release worldwide

    In an unusual collaboration, scientists at the Conrell SuperNatural
    Computer Facility, the USDA and the Conrell Agricultural College have
    made a startling breakthrough in the gravitational physics field.
    Using technology modelled on giant computers at Conrell and tested in
    the laboratory, the group has succeeded in defying gravity.

    Scientist Elsie Browncow explained how the break came about.  "We were
    examining possible applications of Murphy's famous laws, and we got to
    thinking about buttered bread always falling butter down.  We came to
    the conclusion that butter must have some very special properties
    related to gravity.  Reports of cows jumping over the moon lent support
    to our theory.  Once we were on the right track the rest came easily."

    Local dairy farmers, who have been scratching their heads over the
    large butter orders from the research facility, are ecstatic over the
    discovery.  Evidently, several hundred pounds of butter are required
    to overcome gravity in a region of space of 1 cubic centimeter.  Asked
    about this Dr. Browncow replied, "... well, yes, that's true, but we're
    working on improving the process and are pretty sure we can reduce the
    butter requirement significantly."

    Rumor has it that the CIA and NASA are trying to limit access to the
    process.  Dr. Browncow would not comment on the rumor except to say,
    "The word is out now and if we could figure this out I'm sure others
    will too - that's how science works."  Local dairy farmers have been
    accused of discharging firearms at government vehicles seen near the
    labs lately.  No arrests have been made.

physics
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    From: "GG" <testo@cableone.net>
    A cat's antigravity force is propotional to the square of the jaw bone of
    incoming hienz 57 and accerlerates exponentially as the distance decreases

physics
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    From: "Jerry marty" <cm9972@hotmail.com>

                                    Cat physics

    I hate to be a kill joy but the sollution is quite easy:

    1) When you drop a piece of buttered bread, it lands with the buttered side
    down

    BS = Down to earth

    2) When you drop a cat from a few feet, it lands upright.

    Cat feet = Down to earth

    If you strapped a piece of buttered bread to the back of a cat, which would
    land first.

    Law of cat Constraint (Symilar to the law of pill rejection)

     Any attempt to constrain a cat is equal or less than the potential energy
    to reach escape velocity. (applies to strapping devises)

    Firstly it is unlikely that the cat can be constrained without a
    thermonuclear hyrdaulic restraining devise. Should such devise be obtained
    another law will take over.

    The second law of Cat Composition

     A cat will conform to the standard laws of physics relating to solids
    unless such as the opening of food or dairy products occur - in which case
    it's ability to stretch twist and mould are equal or better than that of a
    liquid.

    The sollution is that in the case of a suitable contraining devise being
    found the toast will not land prior to the butter being consumed by the
    cat.

    So the BS is consumed by cat + cat feet = Down to earth

    If the cat doesn't survive it will come back and terrorise you in it's next
    life.

physics
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    From: "Archer, Chuck" <Chuck.Archer@genesys.com>
    It's simple:
    What you have to do is stick the butter on the cat's ass, that way friction
    will decrease on the way down, and he'll accelerate to the speed of light
    and cut right through the earth, come out through China and into the
    atmosphere creating a black hole.

physics
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    From: "Dan Sheehan" <fredbobjoedangreg@hotmail.com>

    For the questions of What would happen if you tied a piece of buttered
    bread to the back of a cat? the answer is this:

    First you have to look at the system scheme. The bread and the cat are not
    one complete thing. If you looked at a side-veiw of the bread-cat, the
    bread would stick out of the cats back. Because of this, the bread could
    land first, allowing a tiny split second for the cat to turn and land
    second, or vice versa. If you want to create anti-gravity, your going to
    have to hollow out a space inside the cat for the bread to go, so that when
    one lands, the other lands at the exact moment.

    I haven't been able to hollow out a cat, and still have it live long enough
    to land on its feet. There is going to have to be some major genetic
    engineering.

physics
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    From: Laurent Fourrier <lfourrier@magic.fr>

    After reading so many contributions on this interesting subject, I could
    not help to be intrigued.

    First, I must recognize that I'm not a scientist myself, only an
    engineer. So I decided to treat it as an engineering problem.

    I was clearly disappointed by the fact that all the reported experiments
    are thought experiment. So I have done a real experiment.

    After fixing the buttered bread on the back of the cat with a rope, when
    climbing upstairs to launch the cat, the butter lubrificated the rope,
    enough for the bread to fall, butter down. The cat, that did not appreciate
    the rope, followed shortly, feet down. Result of the first experiment: no
    contradiction. no levitation. three scars.

    Of course, the fact that I didn't release the cat with the breaded butter
    on its back conducted me to do a retry.

    This time, I managed to launch the cat, with the bread on his back. It
    managed to land on his feet. At that time, the bread was not on the floor
    (it was still on the back of the cat). The cat then rolled on himself, in
    order of removing the rope and the bread. When the cat was on his back, the
    bread landed on the floor, butter down. Result of second experiment: no
    contradiction. no levitation. five scars and two bitings.

    Conclusion: even if a scientist is able to refine the theory, I think that
    engineering realities will prevent a rapid deployment of a safe solution.

    PS: when my wife will come home from vacation, I think I will have some
    problems if somebody can not give me very quickly a black cat with a white
    left ear. Oh, and who know what is the best product for cleaning butter
    from carpets?

physics
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    From: "derk" <derk2001@tampabay.rr.com>

    From: "Ryan J. Consolver"

    Your all completely wrong. I strapped buttered bread on my cat and dropped
    it. Much to my surprise the cat and the toast landed side ways. When I
    tried to remove the cat from the floor the cat and the bread where stuck on
    a vertical axis. I tried to turn the cat feet down and the bread refused to
    be turned. I tried turning the bread downward and the cat refused to
    turn. I eventually cut the belt holding them together with wire
    cutters. The cats feet immediately hit the floor and the buttered bread
    also slammed to the floor. Both the bread and the cat could be removed from
    the floor because the cat feet to buttered bread reaction force was
    eliminated when the two where no longer joined. This discovery causes me
    too wonder what forces act on Siamese twins when connected and when
    disconnected. There's much to be learned on the matter and I'm sure
    millions of tax dollars will be produced to solve this problem that no one
    really cares about anyways.

physics
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    From: John Cooney / "We Are The One" <co1y943@hotmail.com>

    1.  A:  He floats up.
    2.  A:  You hear a sudden sound like 'viftiv' and the entire universe
            collapses in on itself.
    3.  A:  Time freezes, and the computer that we exist in takes many years
            computing what will happen next.
    4.  A:  the poor cat spontaneously combusts, thus frying the bread and toast.
    5.  A:  the humane society will come after you for two reasons:
            1. for throwing the cat out of the window and
            2.  To save the fried cat in #4.
    6.  A: The cat would land on a side, face, or bottom.  use the logical part
            of your brains.

physics
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    From: "alex y" <fluffle@hotmail.com>

    Although all attempts to tie my cat to a slice of buttered bread have ended
    in hurried searches through the first aid box for the antiseptic cream, I
    hypothesise that there are two potential outcomes:

    1. The cat lands on its feet. The buttered bread does not land at all, as
    it is held off the ground by the cat.

    2. If a sufficiently thick piece of bread is used, the bread lands
    butter-side down and the cat, which is probably rather upset by this point,
    is held off the ground by the bread with its paws in the air.

    These two outcomes violate neither cat-bread law, as in both cases one of
    the two items does not land at all. Of course, once the rope connecting cat
    and bread is cut, either the bread will fall on the floor butter-side down,
    or the cat will roll off the bread and land on its feet.

physics
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    From: "Randall D. Wald" <randy@rwald.com>

    The outcome of this experiment would seem to be uncertain. This is
    reminiscent of the Uncertainty Principle, which would suggest that this is
    actually a quantum case. The cat-toast construct can exist in two states:
    butter-side down, or feet-side down. Most researchers would have you chose
    between the two states, but they ignore the most obvious of solutions: the
    cat-toast construct will exist in both states at once! It will
    simultaneously be butter-side down and feet-side down. This duality shall
    continue until the cat-toast construct is observed by a researcher, at
    which time the cat will panic and escape the bonds holding it to the toast.

    Conclusion: Clearly, we have made an error in selecting the feline on which
    to experiment; we were accidentally using Schroedinger's cat.

physics
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    From: "Zachary Fabert" <zfabert@worldnet.att.net>

    All of the preceding theories have been base on an incorrect use of
    Murphy's Law. Jenning's Corollary states, "The chance of the bread falling
    with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the
    carpet."  Therefore the side on which the cat/buttered toast arrangement
    will land is actually dependant on the surface over which the cat is
    dropped.  If the cat is dropped over a brand new carpet, then the buttered
    side must contact the ground, however, if the cat is dropped over dirt the
    cat's feet will contact the ground.  There is one unexplained phenomenon,
    if the cat is dropped over water a mysterious force causes the cat's claws
    to be strongly attracted to the face of whoever dropped the cat, resulting
    in several scratches.

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 2. physics - general
- 2.1 physics poetry
- 2.2 physics quotes
- 2.3 physics puns
- 2.4 pseudo physics (cat physics, cartoon physics)
- 2.5 new physical theories
- 2.6 learning physics
- 2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots)
- 2.8 physical proofs
- 2.9 physical one-liners
- 2.10 quantum mechanics (starring Schroedingers cat!)
- 2.11 relativity
- 2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer
- 2.13 physicists
- 2.14 astronomy
- 2.15 electrons
- 2.16 electro-magnetism and light
- 2.17 Newtons's laws and classical dynamics
- 2.18 thermodynamics
- 2.19 in the lab
- 2.20 strange but real findings
- 2.21 the buttered bread on cat problem

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