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## New or changed science jokes

New or changed jokes since after last time posted (February 28, 2004)

### 1. MATHEMATICS

#### 1.1 PROOFS

New after last time posted (February 28, 2004) mathematics
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    From: Mrinal Shenoy <mrinalf1@yahoo.co.in>

    Here is a proof for 1=3

    First we state that
    1/2 closed door=1/2 open door
    =>Closed door = Open door ......(1)

    Also,
    1/4 closed door = 3/4 open door
    Multiply by 4 both sides..
    =>1 closed door=3 open door

    But by eqn. (1),we have closed door=open door
    Therefore, 1 open door = 3 open door
    Divide by open door on both sides...
    Therefore we have 1=3
    Hence proved....

#### 1.6 MATHEMATIC PUNS

New after last time posted (February 28, 2004) mathematics
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    From: stan kegel <kegel@fea.net>,  Puns of the weak
    Mathematic puns are the first sine of madness (Johann Von Haupkoph)

### 3. CHEMISTRY

New after last time posted (February 28, 2004) chemistry
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    From: "Katrien De Gusseme" <katriendegusseme@hotmail.com>

    In second year of chemical engineering, I was following a course in
    industrial chemistry when all of a sudden, I see a friend on the row before
    me, standing up , pale as a sheet and trying to get out of the row of seats
    (mind you, it's one of those bigger teaching-rooms that seat about 150
    people, we call them "aula's" in Dutch).

    The professor in fronts looks at my friend and asks what the problem is. "I
    don't feel well", he manages to say before he collapses to the floor.

    The professor, a man of impressive size, stays very calm and orders someone
    to call an ambulance. My friend regains consciousness but stays on the
    floor, not feeling well enough to get up. At this information, the
    professor turns to the blackboard an resumes his class. Some 10 minutes
    later the medics arrive, when they make their way to my friend, the
    professor turns away from the blackboard and says to them 'in the time it
    has take you to come here, a person could have died'. And he resumes his
    class again.

#### 3.1 CHEMISTRY POETRY

New after last time posted (February 28, 2004) chemistry
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    From: Phil Alexander <dd@philbo.cix.co.uk>

    "Henry the Eighth" Based on the performance by Herman's Hermits

        "Element the Eighth" Parody by Phil Alexander

    I'm element the eighth I am
    'Tomic number eight I am I am
    When I'm liquid I am cold and blue
    My normal state is molecular O2
    I'm an oxidising element
    It's me that makes explosive stuff go BLAM!
    In the periodic elements
    Element the eighth I am

    Second verse - yet more diverse

    I'm element the eighth I am
    'Tomic number eight I am I am
    Sev'ral miles high above the sea
    You'll find me as ozone (which is O3)
    I'm a divalent element
    Two singles or a double-bond I can
    I'm number eight in the elements
    Element the eighth I am

    (Solo... er free radical?)

    I'm element the eighth I am
    'Tomic number eight I am I am
    I've got eight electrons in my shell
    Eight nuclear protons, eight neutrons as well
    I'm a mass of sixteen element
    That means one mole of me is sixteen grams
    In the periodic elements
    Element the eighth I am
    Element (Element)
    Element (Element)
    Element the eighth I am

    http://www.amiright.com/parody/60s/hermanshermits47.shtml

#### 3.4 IN THE LAB

New after last time posted (February 28, 2004) chemistry
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    From: "Katrien De Gusseme" <katriendegusseme@hotmail.com>

    When I was studying for chemical engineer in Ghent (Belgium), we had a lot
    of Chinese PhD students. One of them was assisting in lab excersise we had
    with the topic destillation. The prof actually did all the explanation on
    how to operate the destillation column and the PhD student would assist
    with the analytical part.

    All went well (except maybe for the part where I burned my fingertips when
    trying to take a sample from the top plate) en we headed upstairs where the
    gaschromatograph was located. The PhD student listend to us explaining what
    we want to analyse and all the time he was nodding his head and saying
    "yes, yes, of course". Then he took our samples and disappeared. We waited
    some minutes, then heard him say 'oh shit'.

    The next thing we hear is the door being locked... nothing happens for
    about an hour, then the guy returns and hands uf a few sheets with graphs
    and numbers.

    "No problems" he says and disappears again. We've never seen him again.....

New after last time posted (February 28, 2004) chemistry
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    From: "Katrien De Gusseme" <katriendegusseme@hotmail.com>

                                 Size does matter.

    In my last year of chemical engineering we had a lab of analytical
    techniques. Now, both my lab partner and I are very tall (I'm a woman and
    1m80 tall, my lab partner is a 1m95 tall guy), and our lab assistant was a
    woman of about 1m50. After the second class, she would bring a stool to
    stand on whenever talking to us.

#### 3.6 CHEMISTS

New after last time posted (February 28, 2004) chemistry
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    From: "Katrien De Gusseme" <katriendegusseme@hotmail.com>

    The head of our department, was a professor who liked his titles very
    much. The name tag on his office door read "professor PhD engineer xxx,
    director of the laboratories of petrochemical engineering". And he always
    introduced himself as "professor, PhD engineer xxx". He used to work in the
    industry and was still very keen on "shaking hands", as he called it, with
    people from the industry (no doubt to get research funds).

    One fine day, we had a plant visit and we drove there by bus (or whole
    chemical engineering group was about 7 people, so we had a mini-bus) but
    the professor came directly from his home. We were there first and were
    introduced to some people, then they offered us a drink, while waiting for
    our professor to arrive.

    About fifteen minutes later, he arrived, looked around the room and went to
    the first person he saw and didn't recognize as one of his students or
    assistants, shaking hands and introducing himself in his familiar way. We
    all turned our heads to hear the reply:

    "nice to meet you, I'm Jeff, the bus driver.

### 4. BIOLOGY

#### 4.1 BIOLOGY POETRY

New after last time posted (February 28, 2004) biology
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    From: stan kegel <kegel@fea.net>,  Puns of the weak

    		THE GERM

    	 A mighty creature is the germ,
    	 Though smaller than the pachyderm.
    	 His customary dwelling place
    	 Is deep within the human race.
    	 His childish pride he often pleases
    	 By giving people strange diseases.
    	 Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
    	 You probably contain a germ.
    		(Ogdan Nash)

### 8. ACADEMIC LIFE

#### 8.9 LOVE LIFE

New after last time posted (February 28, 2004) mathematics
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    From: Dosti Yaari <Dosti_Yaari@yahoogroups.com>

                         Love Letter from a Mathematician
    My Dear Love,

    Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric
    lane. There I saw you with our cute circular face,conical nose and
    spherical eyes,standing in your triangular garden.

    Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude
    (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to
    my heart, it differentiated.

    My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can
    solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you
    extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial
    functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from
    zero to infinity.

    You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life
    revolves around your acute personality.

    My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at
    sunset,when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be
    like a solved polynomial of degree 10.

    With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an
    unknown function.

### 12. PRANKS AND ACCIDENTS

New after last time posted (February 28, 2004) physics
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    From: neufeld@helios.physics.utoronto.ca (Christopher Neufeld)

       Another radio station prank took place on April Fool's Day. They
    announced that the phone company would be cleaning the dirt out of the
    phone lines that afternoon. They do this, it seems, by blowing air into the
    wires in the switching station. The problem is that the dirt comes out of
    the earpiece and mouthpiece of the telephone, and could dirty the rugs or
    furniture in your house. Consequently, the phone company asks that the good
    citizens please get plastic baggies and put them over the handsets of the
    telephones to protect their belongings.

       Stores reported a run on plastic bags, and the phone company made the
    radio station retract the original claim.

       I've always felt that the retraction should have been handled this way:
    "The phone company would like us to tell you that our earlier message
    concerning the blowing of dirt out of the phone lines was incorrect. The
    phone company does not, repeat NOT, blow into the telephone wires to clean
    out the dirt. Anybody with any understanding of the way the system operates
    would know that they suck the dirt out."

       Alas, the retraction was serious and factual. What's this world coming
    to anyway?

New after last time posted (February 28, 2004) physics
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    From: "George Maxwell" <gm137@york.ac.uk>

    A great way of getting through boring practicals: We squirted acetone on
    the backs of our hands, and brushed them against a lit bunsen. The acetone
    lit up impressively and burned for about twenty seconds, but because it
    evaporates as it gets warm, our hands remained intact. This was a
    particularly popular trick when visiting parents or prospective students
    were visiting (complete with hysterical screaming and panic).

#### 12.3 ACCIDENTS

New after last time posted (February 28, 2004) chemistry
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    From: "Katrien De Gusseme" <katriendegusseme@hotmail.com>

    One class of organic chemistry, had us making esters... the smelly ones. We
    were supposed to make one that the assistant called "banana oil". That it
    hadn't stolen it's name became very clear when I was doing the final step
    in the process. Gently shake the ingredients in a "scheidtrechter"
    (separating funnel?) en release the CO2 that forms while the reaction is
    taking place.

    Apparently, I was not gentle enough for the cork shot out and my whole
    lab-table was covered with the stuff. Making the whole lab smell like
    banana's instantly.

    It still smelled after cleaning with solvents and airing the lab for 24
    hours.

### 13. SOURCES OF SCIENCE HUMOR ON AND OFF THE NET

New after last time posted (February 28, 2004) physics
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    NAME: Amateur Astronomy jokes
    DESCRIPTION: Astronomy jokes from the news:sci.astro.amateur newsgroup.
    MEDIUM: WWW: http://www.perseus.gr/Astro-Jokes.html

#### 13.3 CHEMISTRY

New after last time posted (February 28, 2004) chemistry
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    NAME: Labgoats
     DESCRIPTION: Webcomic. Adventures in a chemistry lab.  It also has evil
     geneticists.
    MEDIUM: WWW: http://www.labgoats.com

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