## 4. BIOLOGY

#### Subsections

- 4. biology - general
- 4.1 biology poetry
- 4.2 biology quotes
- 4.3 biology puns
- 4.4 cloning
- 4.5 biochemistry
- 4.6 evolution
- 4.7 mice and rats
- 4.8 cell biology
- 4.9 bacteria

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

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    From: Steven Bedrick <bedrick@bigfoot.com>

    While sitting in lab the other day, a discussion broke out about weekend
    plans. Naturally, these plans consisted mainly of drinking. Or, as one
    person referred to it, "killing brain cells". Someone observed that, even
    though alcohol supposedly kills brain cells, they seem to do better in
    classes during which they regularly take in modest amounts of alcohol than
    in classes where they don't. This turned out to be a fairly common
    phenomenon.

    Since this was during a cell bio class, and we'd been studying biochemical
    pathways all day, we started theorizing about different mechanisms of how,
    exactly, this works. We came up with two good ones: the "natural selection"
    mechanism, and the "exfoliation" mechanism.

    The natural selection theory states that drinking: alcohol kills off the
    weak, old, and slow brain cells, leaving only the more fit and effective
    ones.

    The exfoliation theory holds that alcohol removes the old, crusty, dead
    layer of brain cells, exposing young fresh ones which are much faster. Sort
    of like peeling an onion.

    Either hypothesis fits the data, but in order to determine which is the
    true explanation, more "field study" will have to be done... such is the
    price of science.

biology
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    From: "Rob Slade, doting grandpa of Ryan and Trevor" <rslade@sprint.ca>
    By the same token, this business of genes outside of the normal sequence
    is difficult.  A great deal of genetic material appears to have no
    particular purpose.  There is the standard joke that has geneticists
    finally decode some of this material, only to find that some great long
    string of codons reads "This space intentionally left blank."

biology
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    From: susie_cleland@hotmail.com (Susie Cleland)

    Special Category: Definitions and terms
    Doctors and veterinarians aren't born knowing all those
    fifty-dollar-words they use; there are whole books
    devoted to medical terminology.  Most of it is dry, staid
    lists of words and definitions, but every now and then,
    a bit of the authors' personality shows through.

    In "Bailliere's Comprehensive Veterinary Dictionary" by
    D. C. Blood and Virginia Studdert, the following entry
    appears on page 133, right between Brunner's glands and
    brush border:

    "Brunus edwardii: the urban, companion animal bear, much
    admired for its low food requirements and excellent
    house training, a high emotional output and complete
    freedom from disease.  Called also Ursus theodorus (USA)
    and Pooh, Paddington or Brideshead bear (UK)."

    (I could add that they may be free from disease, but
    they do seem to be susceptible to lacerations requiring
    surgical repair...)

biology
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    From: "Alexander Vinogradov" <aevin@link.cytspb.rssi.ru>
    Biology (or natural philosophy?)

    Studying flatworms, the student observed <in a limping
    translation>:
    "There gut exists, and the duct to gonad leads.
    What else for happiness one needs?"

    Another observation:

    "The parasites die (only) on the corpse."

biology
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    A joke that is too often used during a lecture on conferences:
    The speaker shows a gen (3000 times the characters G,A,C and T) and says:
    "People sitting at the back may not be able to read all of this, but the
    point is..."

    (From the column of Ronald Plasterk in Intermediair, december 4, 1997)

biology
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    From Aliquotes Volume V Number x October/97 (rogerb@microsoft.com)
    Okay, let me see if I've got this right, _Bioinformatics_ is the science of
    taking sequential, structural and functional data, developed through years
    of tedious and painstaking experimentation by _other_ hard-working
    scientists, manipulating the hell out of it with a series of statististical
    and computational algorithms, in the hope of presenting grand theories
    which you will never have to test yourselves but which will have to be
    verified by _other_ scientists at a later date.

    Cool.  Where do I sign?

biology
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    From Aliquotes Volume V Number xi September/97 (rogerb@microsoft.com)
    I think that we should salute the dedicated scientists who spend every
    waking hour slaving at the bench and in the clinics, working like dogs,
    neglecting single-mindedly in pursuit of the answer to the causes of
    Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

biology
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    From Aliquotes Volume V Number xi September/97 (rogerb@microsoft.com)
    A word of warning to those who are surfing the Internet and who may fall
    into this trap... when you see a posting for "FREE XXX", this is _NOT_ an
    advertisement for a group of rebels in support of a free state for women
    with the XXX-Syndrome

biology
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    From:         oberon@vcn.bc.ca (Doug Skrecky)

                            A Short History of Medicine

    I have an earache:

    2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.
    1000 A.D. -That root is heathen.  Here, say this prayer.
    1850 A.D. -That prayer is superstition.  Here, drink this potion.
    1940 A.D. -That potion is snake oil.  Here, swallow this pill.
    1985 A.D. -That pill is ineffective.  Here, take this antibiotic.
    2000 A.D. -That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root.:

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    From: bsb3@cornell.edu (Seth Bowden)

    In neurobiology lecture today, the professor mentioned that much of the
    data we were seeing was culled from studies of leeches. He said, "Now, a
    lot of you may think leeches are nasty creatures. The people working with
    these creatures are quite fond of them, however. It is also reported that
    the leeches often become attached to the researchers."

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    From: (Robert Grove) rgrove@pogo.GPID.TEK.COM
    A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class.
    He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following:
    He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the
    bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl
    alchohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if
    anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them.

    A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said:
    "You're showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms."

biology
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    From: Chris Morton   (mortoncp@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu)
    do it collection

    From: Joao Batista(fbatista@cc.fc.ul.pt)

    Special Category: Scientists do it...
    Biologists do it with clones.
    Molecular biologists do it with hot probes.
    Zoologists do it with animals.
    Genetists do it with sick genes.
    Geneticists Do Nearly Animalistically (DNA).

    From: gmacbeth <gmacbeth@cawdor.darkout.ca>
    Limnologists/Oceanographers do it in depth.

    (as seen on a bumper-sticker at SETAC annual meeting)
    "Toxicologists do it 'till they're half-dead"
    "Zoologists do it LIKE animals"?)

biology
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    From: David Smillie:
    A little neurological put down:
    You've only got two neurons--and one of them's inhibitory.

biology
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    Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
    The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
    of your eyes.

biology
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    Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
    otherwise require harder thinking. -- Jerome Lettvin

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    From: johnston@mhc.uiuc.edu (SJANNA JOHNSTON)

    Biology exam: Create life . Justify your answer.

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                         THE HARVARD LAW
    Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature,
    volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn
    well pleases.

biology
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    From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)

    Special Category: Old scientists never die...
    OLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment away

biology
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    From: joeshmoe@world.std.com (Jascha Franklin-Hodge)
    (List of Taglines)

    Life is a sexually transmitted disease
    Life is anything that dies when you stomp it!
    Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
    Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

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    Much of what we know about man is derived from the study of sweet peas and
    a species of vinegar fly.

biology
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    From: stuart.andrews@stanilite.com.au  (Stuart Andrews)

    Q. What does DNA stand for?
    A. National Dyslexics Association

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    From: mwriggle@uoguelph.ca (Michael Wrigglesworth)

    There was this biologist who was doing some experiments with frogs.  He
    was measuring just how far frogs could jump.  So he puts a frog on a line
    and says "Jump frog, jump!".  The frog jumps 2 feet.  He writes in his
    lab book: 'Frog with 4 legs - jumps 2 feet'.

    Next he chops off one of the legs and repeats the experiment.  "Jump frog
    jump!" he says.  The frog manages to jump 1.5 feet.  So he writes in his
    lab book: 'Frog with 3 legs - jumps 1.5 feet'.

    He chops off another and the frog only jumps 1 foot.  He writes in his
    book: 'Frog with 2 legs jumps 1 foot'.

    He continues and removes yet another leg.  " Jump frog jump!" and the
    frog somehow jumps a half of a foot.  So he writes in his lab book again:
    'Frog with one leg - jumps 0.5 feet'.

    Finally he chops off the last leg.  He puts the frog on the line and
    teels it to jump. "Jump frog, jump!".  The frog doesn't move.  "Jump
    frog, jump!!!".  Again the frog stays on the line.  "Come on frog,
    jump!".  But to no avail.

    The biologist finally writes in his book:  'Frog with no legs - goes deaf'

biology
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    From: Aliquotes v.i (journal) (rogerb@microsoft.com)

                                        NEW
                              From Pair-Docs Pictures

                 They killed his grant and they took away his lab.
                           Now, he's out for revenge...

    @@@@@@@  @@@  @@@  @@@@@@@@     @@@@@@@   @@@@@@    @@@@@@   @@@@@@@
    @@@@@@@  @@@  @@@  @@@@@@@@     @@@@@@@  @@@@@@@@  @@@@@@@@  @@@@@@@@
      @@!    @@!  @@@  @@!            @@!    @@!  @@@  @@!  @@@  @@!  @@@
      !@!    !@!  @!@  !@!            !@!    !@!  @!@  !@!  @!@  !@!  @!@
      @!!    @!@!@!@!  @!!!:!         @!!    @!@  !@!  @!@!@!@!  @!@  !@!
      !!!    !!!@!!!!  !!!!!:         !!!    !@!  !!!  !!!@!!!!  !@!  !!!
      !!:    !!:  !!!  !!:            !!:    !!:  !!!  !!:  !!!  !!:  !!!
      :!:    :!:  !:!  :!:            :!:    :!:  !:!  :!:  !:!  :!:  !:!
       ::    ::   :::   :: ::::        ::    ::::: ::  ::   :::   :::: ::
       :      :   : :  : :: ::         :      : :  :    :   : :  :: :  :

    @@@  @@@  @@@   @@@@@@   @@@@@@@   @@@@@@@   @@@   @@@@@@   @@@@@@@
    @@@  @@@  @@@  @@@@@@@@  @@@@@@@@  @@@@@@@@  @@@  @@@@@@@@  @@@@@@@@
    @@!  @@!  @@!  @@!  @@@  @@!  @@@  @@!  @@@  @@!  @@!  @@@  @@!  @@@
    !@!  !@!  !@!  !@!  @!@  !@!  @!@  !@!  @!@  !@!  !@!  @!@  !@!  @!@
    @!!  !!@  @!@  @!@!@!@!  @!@!!@!   @!@!!@!   !!@  @!@  !@!  @!@!!@!
    !@!  !!!  !@!  !!!@!!!!  !!@!@!    !!@!@!    !!!  !@!  !!!  !!@!@!
    !!:  !!:  !!:  !!:  !!!  !!: :!!   !!: :!!   !!:  !!:  !!!  !!: :!!
    :!:  :!:  :!:  :!:  !:!  :!:  !:!  :!:  !:!  :!:  :!:  !:!  :!:  !:!
     :::: :: :::   ::   :::  ::   :::  ::   :::   ::  ::::: ::  ::   :::
      :: :  : :     :   : :   :   : :   :   : :  :     : :  :    :   : :

        Mild lab worker, Zeno Puss, turns savage,
                   becoming a specialist in amphibious assault...

       ~~|~~|         ~~|~~        |  |  |  |            '
         |  |/~\ /~/    |/~\/~~|/~~|  |  |  |/~~||/~\|/~\|/~\|/~\
         |  |   |\/_    |\_/\__|\__|   \/ \/ \__||   |   |\_/|

    You can *Rana* but you cannot hide from...

       ~~|~~|         ~~|~~        |  |  |  |            '
         |  |/~\ /~/    |/~\/~~|/~~|  |  |  |/~~||/~\|/~\|/~\|/~\
         |  |   |\/_    |\_/\__|\__|   \/ \/ \__||   |   |\_/|

                               "It's a BLASTula..."
                        Roger Egg-case, Taddlecreek Tattler

                           "...metamorphic in scope..."

                            Look for the soundtrack to

                                 The Toad Warrior
                                   With music by
                                   Tina TAdpole

biology
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    From: Aliquotes iv.i (journal) (rogerb@microsoft.com)
                               IN THE SWIM OF THINGS
    It was a banner day in the world of sport as the woman who won gold for
    Canada at the 1985 Winter Olympics in Synchronized Freestyle 4x100m
    Individual Relay, set a new mark in the swimming world. Famed Fay Kloried
    set the world on its ear by being the first to be succesfull in a tripple
    crossing of the Ion Channel off the coast of Greece.
    When asked to explain this stellar feat, Ms. Kloried simply replied, "I
    stayed with the current and rode the gradient." Ms. Kloried stated that she
    next planned to take on a double crossing of the Kalseum Channel, which has
    only been accomplished by one other swimmer, Iona Fore.

biology
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    A women who married for the fourth time appeared to be a virgin. She
    explained to her surprised new husband: "My first husband was a homosexual,
    the second had a weak heart and died during the wedding night. The Third
    was a gen therapeutist who kept telling me how good it would be if it would
    work.

biology
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    From Aliquotes iv.v (journal)
    Something tells me that no matter how good a series of experiments on
    reproductive technologies, the paper written about the work will never be
    described as seminal.

biology
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    From: callista@phidar.traveller.com
    A trio of biologists were studying fruit flies and attempting to do micro-
    scopic observations.  The first put his scalpel to work under the micro-
    scope and began to slice.  He successfully chopped the wings off.

    The second biologist began to work, and with a bit more effort managed to
    slice off the head from the body.  Then the third one went to work, but
    nothing visible happened.

    His two colleagues looked at him in astonishment.  "What are you going to cut
    off?" one of them asked.  His response was:

    "You said to cut the fly, so this one won't be having children any more!"

biology
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    From: Pam Baker <pambaker@umich.edu>
    A biology professor was addressing his class, wanting to see if they'd
    read the assigned text.  He asked Miss Smith to stand.  She does.

    Professor:  Miss Smith, what part of the human body increases ten times
    when excited?

    Miss Smith blushes and hesitates and giggles.

    Proessor:  Miss Smith, please sit down.  Miss Jones, please stand and
    tell me if you know what part of the human body increases ten times when
    excited.

    Miss Jones:  Yes, Professor.  It's the pupil of the eye.

    Professor:  Very good.  Thank you Miss Jones, you may sit down.  Miss
    Smith, will you please stand again.  (She does)  I have three things to
    say to you.
        1.   You have not done your homework
        2.   You have a very dirty mind.
        3.   You're in for a big disappointment.

biology
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    From: sbaker@oro.net (Steve Baker)

    Dear Dr. Science:
        In order for people to have babies, the female egg has to be fertilized
    by the male sperm.  How does the sperm get to the egg?

    "It hitchhikes.  There are small arteries (or highways if you will) in the
    man's urethra.  Small foreign bodies (or cars, if you will) pull over and
    pick up these little spermatozoans (Latin for 'tiny hitchhikers') then
    drive over the speed limit as fast as possible before the natural acids in
    a woman's body (the highway patrol, if you will) pull the sperm over
    reckless driving. ONce they get to the ovum (Latin for garage) they get out
    of the car, turn out the lights, lock up, take off their shoes and watch TV
    until they fall asleep.  This is where babies come from: small suburban
    ranch-style homes hidden deep in a woman's body.  I hope I've answered your
    question.  Good luck on your date tonight."
    Dr. Science --- http://www.drscience-com/ He knows more than you do!

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    From: Suzanne Sarlette/Gerald Pearson <suegerry@mut1.muscanet.com>
    Several years ago, I read something along these lines on the back page
    of Chemical and Engineering News, in the "Postscripts" column.

    New embryological research on salamanders has shown that when the optic
    nerve is connected to the anus at a very early stage of development, the
    organism usually develops into an animal with hindsight. Some of the
    animals show symptoms of tunnel vision.

biology
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    From: Suzanne Sarlette/Gerald Pearson <suegerry@mut1.muscanet.com>

    The Hexagon (Alpha Chi Sigma newsletter) column "Hot Retorts" told of a
    genetic engineering project going on at Texas A&M University.  The
    principle investigators are working on developing a breed of cattle which
    are only 6 inches [15 cm] tall.  If the project is successful, members of
    the research project are hoping to make a fortune selling microchips.

biology
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    From:   Mark Noworolski <noworol@eecg.toronto.edu>
    A friend of mine studying medicine once told me this story.

    Apparently one day there was a lab where all the students were
    learning how to identify various cells. As samples they were
    using tissue scraped from the inside of the mouth.

    One girl was having terrible difficulties figuring out what kind of cell
    she was seeing under her microscope--eventually she called over the
    teaching assistant to identify it.

    He came over, smirked, and exclaimed, loud enough for everyone to hear,
    "Oh wow! That's a sperm cell!"

    She was somewhat more careful after that experience....

biology
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    From: Norbert.Kondla@gems3.gov.bc.ca (Kondla, Norbert FOR:EX)

    Herewith a tongue-in-cheek lepidopterists' guide to useful field techniques
    (sources are deliberately not credited to maintain our pseudo-reputation as
    normal and sane people):

    Alpine ambling - highly effective in a flowery alpine meadow on a sunny day;
    proper etiquette for watchers and collectors
    Arroyo rambling - use this to turn up S. pulverulenta
    Blossum bumbling - ideal for A. halesus
    Bog bouncing - pursuing Boloria eunomia in bogs; when collecting these in
    alpine meadows then shift to alpine ambling
    Boulder bounding - this technique is only recommended for young, foolhardy
    types who desperately want Oeneis melissa or Boloria alberta
    Boulder budging - effective for locating Lycaena cupreus hiding under the
    rocks; also useful for wiping out your competing collectors lower on the
    slope
    Bug mugging - only socially acceptable on small plots of land in large,
    crime ridden cities
    Bush busting - not sure if this refers to breaking bushes while looking for
    bugs or if it refers to breaking bones as a result of blindly leaping over a
    low bush and doing a lip stand in a rock pile; reputed to be useful for
    pursuing L. bachmanni
    Bush whacking - this does not refer to a Mafioso killing a bush ! In western
    Canada it is used to describe the odious chore of navigating through dense
    woody vegetation. It also describes the technique of striking a bush with
    your net handle to flush out the hairstreaks that like to do more walking
    than flying
    Cliff leaping - a not recommended technique used while chasing Boloria
    astarte along cliff tops. The important thing is to not damage your net when
    hitting the rocks at the bottom of the cliff.
    Cloud forest clogging -never had the pleasure but it sounds like fun
    Coulee crawling -bipedal motion often not effective in coulees
    Creek creeping - useful adjunct to stream streaking; creep up on the silly
    bugs as they puddle in damp areas of a dry stream bed
    Cuesta cresting
    Desert dawdling - too darn hot to move any faster
    Ditch dawdling - drive slowly along road, when you see a butterfly in the
    roadside ditch, come to a screeching halt, leap out with net in hand and
    give chase; this also works at high speeds on paved highways but it is
    recommended that you check your rear view mirror for following traffic.
    Fen flitting - useful approach when the fen contains dry hummocks and you
    forgot your rubber boots
    Flark floundering - what happens when you foolishly try to traverse the
    wettest parts of patterned fens
    Glade lurking - most enjoyable when accompanied by a chair and a case of
    cold beer
    Glade sniffing - great for those who have been genetically modified to
    detect the pheromones or butterfly armpits; I rely on the sound of the wings
    Gulch grubbing - preferred approach to C. nessus
    Hide and seek - hide from guerilla's while seeking lepidoptera
    Hill hawking - more sedentary method of dealing with hilltoppers than the
    strenuous act of ridge running
    Hilltop hovering - ideal for a nectar source on a hilltop; pull up a chair
    and enjoy - or you can simply levitate if you prefer
    Jungle boogie - precipitated by afternoon mosquitoes
    Jungle jogging - result of encounters with army ants and wasps
    Limestone lounging - for use in alvars and limestone scree
    Marsh marching
    Mesa moseying - another approach for topographic highs that appropriately
    bear the name of this landform
    Milkweed milking - proper technique for harvesting Monarch caterpillars
    Mountain meandering - stratified random sampling of a mountainside to ensure
    all habitats are captured in the dataset
    Pampas prancing - South American equivalent to prairie prancing and steppe
    stepping
    Permafrosting - the technique of jumping into an arctic tundra pond while
    pursuing a choice bug, and then slipping on the permafrost bottom. The
    tricky part is to net the butterfly just before your head goes under the ice
    water, and then keep your net from getting wet.
    Prairie prancing - only in North America you say ? a pity !
    Puddle pulling - ideal collecting technique for us clever types who realize
    that there are places where in fact the mountain will come to Mohammed
    Ravine wrestling
    Ridge roaming - ideal way to get around and see flutterbugs in the high
    country
    Ridge running - best for fit folks who like to jog
    Roadside romping - by far the most cost efficient and effective method of
    sampling butterflies; and besides, everyone knows that the most difficult
    decision a biologist must make is: where to stop the truck !
    Sage sanitizing - removing the Papilio caterpillars from Artemisia arctica
    and Artemisia dracunculus
    Scree scrambling - appropriate for novices
    Scree skittering - a true art form by accomplished practioners
    Scree sliding - fastest way down after a day in the alpine zone
    Scrubland scrounging
    Seep scooping - used by volume collectors
    Seep sifting - used by discriminating collectors to pluck out the choice
    morsels
    Shale shuffling
    Steppe stepping - Asian version of prairie prancing
    Stream streaking - describes chases along dry stream beds but note that
    clothing is optional :-)
    String striding - highly recommended in patterned fens unless you enjoy
    being up to your ??? in loon poop
    Swamp squelching - unfortunately necessary for those of us who are not yet
    able to walk on water
    Talus traversing - best done on a large mammal trail unless you have been
    conditioned to engage in sidehill gouging
    Trail tottering - a proper pace for old folks like me
    Trail traipsing - use only with lightweight footwear
    Trail tramping - unavoidable with rock boots or equivalent footwear
    Trail tripping - quite entertaining when you are not the one doing the
    tripping
    Tropic traipsing
    Tundra trundling - a sensible pace that will keep you on your feet
    Tussock tumbling - guaranteed consequence of trying to move quickly in
    tussock tundra
    Waddle & Scoop - patented technique invented by N. Kondla to sample
    butterflies without excessive caloric expenditure
    Wayside wandering - only way to get new butterfly records for distribution
    mapping without killing yourself bushwhacking or dodging unfriendly private
    landowners
    Woodland waltzing - this may look like the dance of the demented but it is
    only your normal, sane butterfly collector turning round and round after an
    Oeneis macounii in a forest opening
    Yucca yanking - the only civilized way to acquire M. coloradensis

biology
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    From: wmoon@jupiter.uucp (Woo Moon)

    Q:What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?
    A:You can't make a vitamin....

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    Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
    Special Category: Stephen Jay Gould
    Why did  chicken cross the road?
    Stephen Jay Gould:
    It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we
    have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the
    fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behaviour,
    and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviours that figure
    most prominently in sociobiological speculation.

biology
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    From: "David Paterson" <David.Paterson@dbce.csiro.au>
    Actual quotes from scientists who got a bit too immersed in their subjects:
    "Beauty is a Chorus of Scarlet-sided Pobblebonks"

    from "Wildlife in the Brisbane Area". It's a type of frog.

biology
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    From: "David Paterson" <David.Paterson@dbce.csiro.au>
    "But all that had changed in just a few hundred million years"
                used in describing the environment of the early Earth.

physics biology
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    From: Ron Gerards (On the Science Jokes mailing list:
    http://www.egroups.com/group/sciencejokes
    Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

    Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it
    will digest itself.

    Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
    A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

    It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog
    throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then
    the froguses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then
    swallows the stomach back down again.

    If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to
    swallow.

    Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building, it
    has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off
    the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to
    realise what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

    Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat
    of arms for that reason.

    Certain frogs can be frozen solid, then thawed, and survive.

    To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its
    eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.

    If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but
    more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

    Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child
    reaches 2-6 years of age.

    The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

    The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

    A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produce
    enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

    If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
    produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
    squirt blood 30 feet.

    A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not
    over that pig thing!!!)

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

    On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

    You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

    Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
    (Licking?)

    You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous
    spider.

    Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
    people do.

    A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

    One in ten pig is gay.

    The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and
    always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

    Polar bears are left handed.

    The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1
    for animal having the most taste buds.

    The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a human jumping
    the length of a football field.

    A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to
    death.(Creepy!)

    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
    its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I'm
    home..
    what the...)

    Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

    Butterflies taste with their feet.

    Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

    A cat's urine glows under a black light.

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

    Starfishes haven't got brains.

biology
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    From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith@calweb.com>
    A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.

biology
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    From: "badri kothandaraman" <badripk@lycos.com>

    Why is it easier to express genes in prokaryotes?
    coz the DNA is naked and its easy to turn them on!!!!

biology
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    From: slavins@hearsay.demon.co.uk@localhost (Simon Slavin)

    I have a hunch that [] the unknown sequences of DNA [will decode into]
    copyright notices and patent protections. -- Donald E. Knuth

biology
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    From: "Joris van Alphen" <jorisvalphen@hotmail.com>

    A stranger has to pull his car aside the road because there are sheep
    crossing the road. He gets out of his car bored and asks the sheppard: "If
    I can guess exactly how many sheep you have, can I have one of them?". The
    Sheppard says yes because he thinks the stranger will never guess exactly
    the right number. After a while the stranger says: "165 sheep". Surprised
    the sheppard says: "Ok, pick one". The stranger chooses one of the animals
    and when he gets into his car again, the sheppard says: "If I can guess
    your profession, can I get my animal back then?". "OK," says the
    stranger. "You're a theoretical biologist, and now give me my dog back..."

biology
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    From: Joachim Verhagen.
    Special Category: Famous last words
                                 Famous last words

    Microbiologist:  These bacteria cannot live outside the substrate.

    Field biologist: They never attack humans.

biology
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    From: oracle-humor@lyris.oraclehumor.com (Oracle Service Humor Mailing List)

#### Beer and Ice Cream Diet

    As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree
    centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a
    very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the
    natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature
    during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only
    available source, your body fat.

    For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg.  F)
    will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees
    C (98.6 deg. F).  For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes
    approximately 37 calories as stated above.  The average dessert portion is
    6 oz, or 168 grams.  Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216
    calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat
    as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

    Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss
    is approximately 5,000 calories.

    Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the
    faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

    This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted
    glasses.  Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts
    1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature
    normalizing process.  Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020
    calories.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240
    calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the
    process of drinking a can of beer.

    Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes
    83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37
    cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are
    really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

    Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza
    (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an
    opposite effect.  But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already
    reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and
    follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

    We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and
    ice cream diet.

    Happy eating!

    -
    In case you wonder, the food Calory (written with a capital C) is a kcal, a
    thousand physical calories (with a lower case c).  In the EU it is now
    mandatory to use joules on the food packages, but most of the time the
    value in Calories is also added.  Maybe it sells more ice cream. - Joachim.

biology
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    From: "C e r b e r u s - T h e - D o g - O f - H e l l" <xcerxbexrusx@xmyxstaxcy.cxo.uxk>

    The medical student was shocked when he
    received a failing grade in radiology.
    Approaching the professor, he demanded
    to know the reason for the grade.

    "You know the self X-ray you took?"
    asked the professor.

    "I do." said the student.

    "A fine picture," the professor said,
    "of your lungs, stomach, and liver."

    "If it's a fine picture, then why did
    you give me an F?" asked the student

    "I had no choice," said the professor.
    "You didn't put your heart in it."

biology
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    From : tomas_thefox2003@yahoo.ie (Tomás Fuchsbauer)

    Translated from a postcard in Germany depicting a lady in the laboratory
    looking through a microscope at her slide sample (The swearing at the end
    was not included on it) :
    "I don’t believe it ! That’s my husband together with another woman !!?
    F@&*ing B@#+@=D"

biology
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    From : tomas_thefox2003@yahoo.ie (Tomás Fuchsbauer)

    My recollection of where I first came across a version of this is not
    entirely precise, as it was several years ago. The corrollary is my
    personal addition :

    First rule of environmental protection : A species will only be declared
    'protected’ once it has become (nearly) hopelessly depleted.

    Corrollary : An extinct species will be placed on the 'endagered list’
    after the event has occurred.

biology
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    From: Ron Gerards (On the Science Jokes mailing list:
    http://www.egroups.com/group/sciencejokes

    Yet more from "The Best Howlers" by Cecil Hunt:

    A ruminating animal is one tat chews its cubs.

    Germs are sort of small insecks [sic] that swim in you if they can
    get in.

    Moths eat least of all because they eat holes.

    Blood consists of red corkscrews and white corkscrews.

    The best food for babies is oxygen, hydrogen and a little carbon.

    The bloodvessels are veins, arteries and artilleries.

    A skeleton is a man with his inside out and his outside off.

biology
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    Special Category: Definitions and terms
    From: "Bruce W." <brucewolfe@erols.com>

                     How To Be A Politically Correct Biologist
    by Roger Lewin (in The American Biology Teacher)

    Here is some of the stuff you need to know to survive as a biologist in the
    be-sensitive-or-else 90s.

                    Attitudes About the Organisms That We Study

    Nonhuman Animal Speciesism
    A prominent animal-rights activist has defined a "speciesist" as one who
    "allows the interests of his/her species to override the greater interests
    of members of other species." According to this definition, a human eating a
    fish is a speciesist. However, if this definition is true, then nonhuman
    animals should be held to the same standard. Thus, a bear eating a fish
    would also be a speciesist, as would a bear eating an animal rights
    activist.

    Kingdomism
    Kingdomism is the oppressive discrimination by animals against minerals and
    plants. Corn and string beans are helpless victims of kingdomism. Astute
    teachers of geology will note that "pet rock" is an oppressive, kingdomistic
    term that should be replaced by the more sensitive phrase "mineral
    companion." The term "botanical companion" is what you should call your
    favorite plant, flower or corsage.

    Fortuitarianism
    This is the politically correct behavior that results from humans having no
    "right" to interfere in natural cycles. Consequently, humans should eat only
    plants parts that have become separated from their parent plant by natural
    events (e.g. wind), and meat from animals that have died accidentally (e.g.
    opossums that have been flattened by cars). If you're insensitive enough to
    eat meat, be sure that it's road kill.

    Honey, Milk, Eggs, Wool
    These are products stolen from nonhuman animals by human animals. To
    enforcers of political correctness, these thefts are unconscionable
    violations of the rights of nonhuman animals. Politically correct biologists
    know that the four major food groups are stolen animal products,
    fortuitarian comestibles, victims of speciesist slaughter, and brutally
    betrayed botanical companions.

    Dead
    This term should be replaced immediately by the more sensitive term
    "metabolically challenged." Refer to living organisms as being "temporarily
    metabolically abled."

    Fish
    I never realized how offensive I was when I referred to the guppies in my
    classroom aquarium as "fish." The only politically correct way to refer to
    these nonhuman animal companions is as "ichthyo-Americans." Referring to my
    guppies as ichthyo-Americans has greatly improved their self-esteem.

                          How We Were Trained & Got Jobs
    Credentialism
    You were probably hired because your school practices credentialism, a
    plague on society in which people discriminate against others by forcing
    them to provide evidence of experience, knowledge, integrity or ability
    before being hired, admitted to a college, etc. To hire qualified people
    instead of unqualified people is unacceptable. After all, no one is really
    unqualified; instead they are "uniquely qualified."

    Biology Departments
    If you got a degree (i.e. a credential) from a biology department, you've
    helped perpetuate the oppressive, credentialistic culture that underlies our
    educational system. According to the Berkeley Rhetoric Department, biology
    departments are nothing more than places "where animals are tortured and
    then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientists
    lackeys of imperialistic drug companies." Perhaps you did not know this.

    Educational Testing
    Politically correct teachers call these tests "needs assessments."
    Pathetically insensitive people like me have not yet learned that the word
    "test" is terribly offensive because it puts the responsibility for learning
    on students rather than on society.

                                   Our Students
    Failing grades
    Never tell students that they have failed. Rather, declare that students who
    learn nothing in your class "have successfully achieved a deficiency." It is
    also acceptable to refer to them as "knowledge-based nonprocessors."

    Cheaters and Liars
    Students who lie, plagiarize, and copy the work of other students are not
    liars, plagiarists or cheaters. rather, they are "morally challenged" or
    better yet, "ethically disoriented."

    Lazy
    To be a sensitive biology teacher if the 90s, refer to lazy students as
    "persons of torpor" or say that they are "motivationally deficient." The
    term "lazy" is offensive because it blames students for a condition that
    should be attributed to the failures of --yes, you guessed it -- society.
    Politically correct teachers know that no student should be held accountable
    for his/her own actions; society is the mantra on which we can blame
    everything that's negative. However, society has nothing to do with anything
    positive that our student do or achieve; all the credit for those things go
    to us.

    Emphasize Good Writing
    Effective biology teachers often use biology as a means of teaching
    important skills such as effective writing. According to Tom Fox, director
    of a writing program at California State University at Chico, the qualities
    of good writing are that it "be relentlessly plural, interrogate political
    inequities, and oppose homophobia." Be sure to tell that to students before
    asking them to write an essay about mitosis, photosynthesis or digestion.

    If you can overcome your irrational bouts with common sense, your use of
    this information will help make you a politically correct biologist.

biology
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    Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
    Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
    George Washington Carver: To plant peanuts.

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 4. biology - general
- 4.1 biology poetry
- 4.2 biology quotes
- 4.3 biology puns
- 4.4 cloning
- 4.5 biochemistry
- 4.6 evolution
- 4.7 mice and rats
- 4.8 cell biology
- 4.9 bacteria

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