## 4. BIOLOGY

#### Subsections

- 4. biology - general
- 4.1 biology poetry
- 4.2 biology quotes
- 4.3 biology puns
- 4.4 cloning
- 4.5 biochemistry
- 4.6 evolution
- 4.7 mice and rats
- 4.8 cell biology
- 4.9 bacteria

### 4.3 BIOLOGY PUNS

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

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    From: Scot Nelson <mammal@watering.hole>

    We just hired a molecular biologist.  Man, is he small.

biology
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    From: "nemo" <nemo@naughtylass.wet>

    Our  molecular biologist  was so small, he got crushed by a speck of dust!

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    From: SWISH3303@aol.com (Robert Ohabim)

    Q: what do you call the leader of a biology gang?
    A: The nucleus

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    From: 73467.403@compuserve.com
    A fellow accidentally ingested some alpha-L-glucose and discovered that he
    had no ill effects. Apparently he was ambidextrose.

biology
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    From: saz@xxxjdal.demon.co.uk (Sarah Dalrymple)
    [remove the xxx to reply]

    "A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.
    The barman says "That'll be 80p (ATP) please!"

    (note 100p = £1, and ATP is short for Adenosinetriphosphate, but you
    already knew that :))

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    From: Philip Clarke <clar0318@flinders.edu.au>
    Q: Why are there no asprin in the jungle?
    A: Because the parrots-eat-them-all.

biology
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    From: tweet12547@aol.com (Tweet12547)

    There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds with a
    specific focus on terns. He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (from,
    of course, marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some
    insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional space. This
    proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding. He
    filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and
    proceeded on his way. After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before
    the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he
    completed his study.

    With trembling hands, he delivered his 247-page report, complete with charts
    and graphs, to the review committee. The august body peruses his study, asking
    penetrating questions and reducing our student to jell-o. Finally, the
    department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed glasses as she
    stares down at our student.

    "There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept this report.
    You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one
    essential step: you have no control group." Our student turns pale and says,
    "You don't mean..."

    "Yes. I'm afraid so. You left no tern unstoned."

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    From: "Heather Thompson" <Hpthompson@btinternet.com>
    Two guys, called Joe and Dean, were fishermen.  Every day, before dawn,
    they set out to sea with their crews, coming home late in the evening with
    their catches of fish.  Now, there was one particular area where they would
    cast their nets, because of a particular type of fish which was to be found
    there.  This was a mutant type of fish which had no hearing apparatus.
    These rare fish fetched a high price from the local marine biologists who
    liked to study them.  Now, the area where Joe and Dean caught these fish
    was very difficult to reach, and involved long hours of sailing through
    treacherous waters, which Joe didn't like at all.   Well, one week, Joe
    didn't turn up for work at all, and when one of his crew went to Joe's
    house to find out what was wrong, Joe said, "I don't know what's wrong with
    me.  I'm feeling really tired and lethargic.  I have no energy at all."
    "Don't worry," said the crewman, "Dean has been putting all his catch of
    those mutant fish through as yours, so you will still have some money to
    pay our wages this week."  "Oh, no," said Joe.  "That means that I will
    have to get over this feeling of exhaustion and go out to that awful bit of
    the sea next week, and all because -

    		I OWE DEAN DEAF FISH IN SEA."
    			(Iodine deficiency)

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    From: Pierre Abbat <phma@oltronics.net>
    Candiru: A tiny catfish of the Amazon basin that pisses people off.
    (Note: The candiru is the fish to swims against a urine stream...)

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    From: David Stillman (david.stillman@qmserver.hci.utah.edu)

    Some two hybrid humor:

    I was grading exams, and a student referred to the components of a two hybrid
    screen as "bait" and "pray." There may be some truth to that!

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    From: wall@ti-csl.csc.ti.com (Raj Wall)

I heard this morning that veterinarians are beginning to use on household animals expensive upscale diagnostic equipment previously only available for humans, including CAT and PET scanners.

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    From: "Pierre Abbat" <phma@trellis.net>

Some genetic researchers were studying Acinonyx jubatus to find out why he had a high abnormal sperm count. They gave a group of these animals a histocompatibility (tissue-type) test.

"This is singular," observed one to the other. "Every one of these cats gave the same answers."

"Aw," drawled the other, "they're all a bunch of cheetahs

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    From: Gwynt (author) http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/9609/

    Q: How so you call a member of the finacial staff of the faculty of Biology?
    A: A Buy-ologist.

    Q: Organ transplantation in the future. Brain transplantations are possible
       between relatives (immunological advantage). Father dies and donates his
       brain to his daughter. How do you call such a donor father?
    A: You call him Brain-dad.

    Windows 95 has a program option to index candybars:
    the Mars explorer.

    Do you know why dr. Frankenstein sometimes smoked knees and elbows?
    He just liked to smoke joints.

    You learn your whole life. When you were young you went to school. But
    even in the grave the learning goes on, because your head goes back to
    skull.

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    From: Matthew K Ashford <mkast9+@pitt.edu>
    Q: What do you have upon a request for a mother's identification?
    A: Cardamom!!

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    From: "Bruce P. Dunn" <bpdunn@home.com>
    Did you hear about the biologist who had twins?  She baptized one and
    kept the other as a control.

biology
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    From: Andrea Alevi <andreaa@post.tau.ac.il>
    A couple of biologists had twins.
    One they called John and the other control.

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    From: "Brenda L. Carroll" <blcarrol@ehc.edu>
    "Did you say you were 'mating' in lab?  That gives new meaning to the
    phrase, 'oral exam.'"
                    -Birchell Goldston

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    From: "Jeremy Main" <wana9473@wanadoo.be>
    SCIENTIFIC THEORIES 6: DARWIN LOST
    Sumo wrestling: Survival of the fattest.

    From: Glenn Gardner <steed@netcom.ca>

    As proof of their prowess they spit powerfully trying to create the deepest
    depression in the wrestling mat---this provides the forced salival dents to
    back up the theory.

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    From: Pierre Abbat <phma@oltronics.net>
    Q: What tool is used to measure a hole in the head?
    A: A Phineas gage.

    (Phineas Gage was a railroad worker who was tamping a charge of explosives when
    it blew up in his face, driving the iron through the frontal lobe of his brain.
    He survived, to the total astonishment of the doctor, but with a radically
    altered personality, thus becoming the first victim of an accidental frontal
    lobotomy.  You can read more about him in Phineas Gage - Into the Mind
    http://www.mc.maricopa.edu/academic/cult_sci/anthro/origins/phineas.html and
    Phineas Gage - Neuroscience - 02/18/98
    http://neuroscience.miningco.com/library/weekly/aa021898.htm )

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    From: mini-AIR <marca@wilson.harvard.edu>
    1997-02-10	Gene Story Contest Winners

    Here are the winning stories submitted for our GENE STORY
    ANTHOLOGY contest. Contestants were asked to write short stories -
    - 100 words tops -- in which all nouns, verbs, adjectives and
    adverbs are the names of genes or gene products (such as "sonic
    hedgehog"). Some cheating was allowed -- it was okay to also use
    "him," "her," is, etc. Both winners will receive a copy of The
    Annals of Improbable Research specail Symmettra Issue (vol 2, no
    3) autographed by scientist/supermodel Symmetra.

    ****************************
    WINNER (1): Jonathan Epstein
    ****************************

    GOLIATH CAN CAST a GEM farther than BEN HUR. At its APEX, the fast
    OPAL HITA WHITE ANGEL. The ANGEL then BEAT a GALE. But the ANGEL's
    BOSS, GOD, from AFAR CAN CALM the ANGEL. GOD FUSED the GAP between
    GOLIATH, the ANGEL, and their ILK.

    The names in this story come from eight different species.
    (They are listed int the database Entrez, which is on the web at
    http://www3.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/Entrez/.
    Drosophila melanogaster: goliath ben white angel beat boss fused
    Homo sapiens: can CAST gem HuR fast GAP ILK CALM
    Mus musculus: Apex
    Haemophilus influenza: hitA galE
    Neisseria gonorrhoeae: opal
    Aspergillus niger: god
    Rattus norvegicus: AFAR

    **********************
    WINNER (2): Jym Mohler
    **********************

    In the LOT behind CLUB ETHER-A-GOGO, AMY PRUNE's BREATHLESS TORSO
    was SPLAYED in the GRAVEL. Her CROOKED-NECK was BENT over the
    STONEWALL in an ABRUPT TWIST.  Her REFRINGENT THRONG was
    DISHEVELED and her WHITE-MOTTLED MINI UPTURNED . But no COPPER
    would ARREST the DERANGED KILLER-OF-PRUNE. No CELL would HOLD-UP
    that HEARTLESS SNAKE. For a SHOTGUN had  REDUCED OSKAR's BIG-BRAIN
    into STARDUST and FAINT-LITTLE-BALLS.

    All the genes mentioned in this story are from Drosophila.

biology
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    From: "Pierre Abbat" <phma@trellis.net>
    >neural crest...........an oral hygiene product for the brain

    Use with mental floss.

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    From: David den Ouden (david_den_ouden at hotmail dot com)

    After the homeotic - and oncogenes they recently discovered a new group of
    genes; the dancing genes, e.g. Gene Kelly

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    "Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
    thing as division."

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    From: David den Ouden (david_den_ouden at hotmail dot com)

    Q: How do you eat DNA-spaghetti?
    A: With a replication fork.

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    Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?

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    From: lozinski@netcom.com (Joe Cool)

    Special Category: Definitions and terms
            MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN

    Artery------------------------The study of fine paintings.
    Barium------------------------What you do when CPR fails.
    Cesarean Section--------------A district in Rome.
    Colic-------------------------A sheep dog.
    Coma--------------------------A punctuation mark.
    Congenital--------------------Friendly.
    Dilate------------------------To live long.
    Fester------------------------Quicker.
    GI Series---------------------Baseball game between teams of soldiers.
    Grippe------------------------A suitcase.
    Hangnail----------------------A coat hook.
    Medical staff-----------------A doctor's cane.
    Minor operation---------------Coal digging.
    Morbid------------------------A higher offer.
    Nitrate-----------------------Lower than the day rate.
    Node--------------------------Was aware of.
    Organic-----------------------Church musician.
    Outpatient--------------------Person who has fainted.
    Post-operative----------------A letter carrier.
    Protein-----------------------In favor of young people.
    Secretion---------------------Hiding anything.
    Serology----------------------Study of English knighthood.
    Tablet-------------------------A small table.
    Tumor-------------------------An extra pair.
    Urine-------------------------Opposite of you're out.
    Varicose veins----------------Veins which are very close together.
    Benign------------------------What you be after you be eight.

    From:         Santasam <Santasam@AOL.COM>
    ANTIBODY: against everyone
    ARTERY: the study of fine paintings
    BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
    BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
    BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U
    CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome
    CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing
    CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty
    CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her
    COMA: a punctuation mark
    CONGENITAL: friendly
    CORTIZONE: the local courthouse
    D & C: where Washington is
    DILATE: to live longer
    ENEMA: not a friend
    ER: the things on your head that you hear with
    FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
    GENES: blue denim slacks
    HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space
    IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known
    LABOR PAIN: hurt at work
    MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's
    ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move
    PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories
    PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
    PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
    PROTEIN: in favor of young people
    RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
    RHEUMATIC: amorous
    SECRETION: hiding anything
    TABLET: a small table
    TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
    TIBIA: country in North Africa
    TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
    TUMOR: an extra pair
    URINE: opposite of "you're out"
    VARICOSE: very close
    VEIN: conceited

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    From: Aliquotes iv.v (journal) (rogerb@microsoft.com)
    Special Category: Definitions and terms
         DR. NOAH BUDDY'S HANDY REFERENCE GUIDE TO SCIENTIFIC TERMINOLOGY

    aminoacyl--------------An -NH/sub2 that's a real jerk
    apical membrane--------That green bumpy stuff on the outside of a baby dill
    asymmetry--------------Where you bury dead people
    beta-sheet-------------Linen you only bring out for company
    CA/sup{2+} channel-----The all-milk TV station
    chemotaxis-------------A cab which provides drug therapy
    detergents-------------What women do when telling a guy to take a hike
    diglyceride------------what you scream out when trying to kill a glyceride
    hippocampus------------where hippos go to university.
    microtome--------------An itty bitty book
    pachytene--------------Adolescent elephants
    plastid----------------Drunk
    prokaryote-------------In favour of take-out food
    redox------------------Rusty cattle
    taxol------------------Liberal plan for increasing revenue

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    From: Aliquotes v.vii (journal) (rogerb@microsoft.com)
    Special Category: Definitions and terms
    You know you weren't prepared for the exam when you gave the following
    definitons:

    stereochemistry........having the correct speakers for your CD player
    free radical...........a political movement
    propane................sadomasochistic tendencies
    grignard...............a three foot mile
    periodic acid..........sometimes it is and sometimes it ain't
    biotin.................how much coffee you purchase
    prostate...............when you want FSU to beat U.Florida in football
    helminth...............what the hockeyplayers wear on their heads, thilly
    IL-2...................me also
    homology...............the study of real estate
    membrane...............the opposite of forgettin'
    synapse................what you have after horizontal recreation
    phorbol................why the batter took first base

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    From: Aliquotes iv.xi (journal) (rogerb@microsoft.com)
    Special Category: Definitions and terms
                        I Don't Re-Membrane, I Don't Recall

    For many, to understand membranes is to understand key biological and
    biochemical determinants of life and because of this they are real pains in
    the butt to work with (Murphy, 1973).  In an effort to assist anyone in
    their studies of membrane biochemistry, we have formulated this brief
    list of some of the terms across which they will come and our own special
    definitions of these terms.

    PIP2....................finding your boss at the next urinal
    micellar................where I stayed when the tornado hit
    palmitoyl...............what your hands secrete when you're nervous
    polar head group........Inuit psychiatrists
    amphipathic.............the ability to hike both ways
    bilayer.................yeh, like, I'm gonna touch that one
    lecithin................fatter
    porin...................what it is when it's rainin'
    Schiff base.............stealing second
    ionophore...............where I ended when I fell
    hydrophobic.............fear of your electricity bill
    deoxycholate............countin' the oxen
    sulfatide...............the effect of a moon on Venusian oceans

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    From: Aliquotes iv.xii (journal) (rogerb@microsoft.com)
    Special Category: Definitions and terms
    As molecular biology and biochemistry come to play more important roles in
    the field of developmental biology, it is important for biochemists to
    truly understand some of the more unusual terminology which they will face
    as they set up collaborations or just try to keep up with the literature.
    For this reason, we have presented the following definitions as a guide.

    placenta...............Act III of V
    allantois..............how we found out wat Allan knew
    neural crest...........an oral hygiene product for the brain
    trophectoderm..........the outer layer of the Stanley Cup
    spermatagonia..........the reproductive area in South America
    oogonia................the clumsy area of South America
    oviposition............your opinion on whether one can eat eggs and still
                           be a vegetarian
    uturus.................the question of whether you're a native of a visitor

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    From: phma@trellis.net
    Q: Why didn't the dendrochronologist get married?
    A: All he ever dated was trees!

    Q: How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon?
    A:    He caught the garter snake.

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    From: David den Ouden (david_den_ouden at hotmail dot com)

    Computational / Theoretical Biology:
    Q: How do you call eight Rabbits?
    A: One Rabbyte

    Biology, Morphology:
    Q: How do you call being drunk at the same side of your body?
    A: Tipsi-lateral

    Q: Heredity at the same time?
    A: Synchromosome

    Q: How do you call a positively charged pussy-cat?
    A: A CATion

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    From: David den Ouden <david_den_ouden at hotmail dot com>
    Q: How do you call a laboratory in which they use rats as test-animals
       (guinneapigs)?
    A: Lab-rat-ory

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    From: jimd@gate.net (James D. Davis)

    Q: What rock band keeps changing their music?
    A: Mutagenesis.

    Q: Which biochemicals wash up on beaches?
    A: Nucleotides.

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    Pat Bowne (pbowne@omnifest.uwm.edu)
    Q: What is a paramecium?
    A: Two latin mice

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    From: mtwenzel@pdqnet.com (Michael Wenzel)

    Q:  What is the only thing worse than a mecium?
    A:  A Paramecium

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    From: Garland Stern <stern@tiger.asel.udel.edu>, Matthew K Ashford
    <mkast9+@pitt.edu>
    Q:What does the H. in Jesus H. Christ stand for?
    A:In order of increasing groans:
     1: Hallowed.
     2: Harold. (As in, "Harold be thy name.)
     3: Haploid. (Best of all.)

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    From: "Encarnacion Perez, Jr." <e.perezjr.@worldnet.att.net>
    Q: As what did the antibody go to the Halloween costume party?
    A: As an "immunogobulin"

biology
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    From: Sandy Waldow <sandyw@sbei.com>
    Q: how do you tell the sex of chromosome?
    A: Pull down it's genes

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    From: mace@NorthNet.org (Mace)

    Q: What did the male stamen say to the female pistil?
    A: I like your "style"

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    From: cvsjpd@leeds.ac.uk (J P Diesch)

    'I want to shag a sheep' says one ribonucleotide to another.
         'Dont be so base!'

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    From: Aliquotes i.v (journal) (rogerb@microsoft.com)
    The G ot F transition is due to proteins which are "actin up".

    People who go through waves of euphoria can be said to be suffering from
    PEP-tides.

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    From:   De Guerin <da6bd@herts.ac.uk>
    Q: What do you call a faulty spirometer?
    A: Expired!

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    From: Teg Pipes <teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu>
                               Scientists are LAME!

    The straight line I've been waiting for for the past four years was finally
    delivered today.  In the lab, obviously, four people were there, standing
    around the water cooler, talking about some heroic genetic screen, nice,
    pregnant pause after the straight line just begging to be exploited like a
    coal mine in the south east and I slid my joke in beautifully
    and...NOTHING!  THEY ALL JUST STARED AT ME!  FUCKS!  I'LL KILL YOU ALL!

    POST-DOC:               ...that was the night that I mated four-thousand
                                    pairs of flies.

     <pause>

    ME:                             Boy, you must've been really sore after that!

      <silence>

    ME:                             G'NIGHT FOLKS!  DRIVE SAFELY!

    I work in a stupid genetics lab for FOUR YEARS waiting for that line, FOUR
    YEARS!  And when it finally comes, I make my joke and EVERYONE JUST LOOKS
    AT ME!  ARRRRRGH!  I COULD'VE BEEN DOING BIOCHEMISTRY ALL THIS TIME!

biology
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    From: FRASER DOUG <douglas.fraser@abcol-netra.abcol.ac.uk>
    Special Category: Definitions and terms
    Q: what's a biologists definition of a graph
    A: an animal with a long neck

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    Biology grows on you.

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    From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith@calweb.com>
    Eat yogurt and get cultured

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    From: dfinner@Kollsman.com

    Q: How do you make a horemone?
    A: Don't pay her.

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    Q: Have do you call a tyrannosaurus that is afraid of his own shadow ?
    A: A nervous Rex.

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    From: "Becky" <beckyd35@hotmail.com>
    A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says," sorry we don't serve
    mushrooms here." And the mushroom replies, " Why? I'm a Fun-gi?

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    From: "badri kothandaraman" <badripk@lycos.com>

    A gang of mutations were caught red handed during mutagenesis.When
    confronted,all of them confessed except one.Why?

    It was a silent mutation

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    From: "badri kothandaraman" <badripk@lycos.com>

    Adenine proposing to guanine:"You know dear,mismatches are made in heaven".

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    From: "Cyber.Terrorist" <cyber_terrorist@adderleystreet.co.za>

    "Today," said the professor , "I will be lecturing about the liver and
    spleen."

    Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward the other, "Damn, it
    there's one thing I can't stand ... it's an organ recital!"

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    From: "William Heierman" <wheierman@corunduminium.com>

                       MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH ANNOUNCED AT A&M

    College Station, Texas, Wednesday.  In a press conference convened at 9
    A.M. yesterday, Texas A&M Veterinary Research Lab Technician Vlad Czybczyk
    announced what he called an important medical breakthrough: a "morning
    after pill" for men.

    Technician Czybczyk would not reveal how it works, stating that the
    obviously revolutionary mechanism will remain proprietary until chemical
    patents are obtained and pending contracts with pharmaceutical
    manufacturers are signed.  "Considering the permissive morality pandemic
    within our current social environment, we believe that the economic
    potential of this discovery is tremendous!", Czybczyk said.

    He did reveal, however, that the new pills have advantages over those used
    by women - most notably, that they do not have the tendency to fall out
    which many distaff veterans of sexual campaigns find annoying.

    The research, begun over twenty years ago when Vlad was cloning around in
    the Office of Navel Research, led to this serendipitous discovery.  He
    said: "I was extracting penile stem cells from medusa jellyfish when I
    realized none of them were pregnant.  Isolating the whoremone responsible,
    which we call 'oopsinase', led to the pill."

    Preliminary testing has so far proven 100% efficacious; preventing
    pregnancy in every one of the subjects, appropriately called "testees".  It
    is anticipated that oopsinase will have FDA approval and will be available
    under the counter around the beginning of next year.  It will be marketed
    under the brand name: "Machonil".

    Now that this project is completed, Vlad Czybczyk does not intend to rest
    on his laurels.  He will devote his time to other research which in fact
    may be related: rediscovery of the Pompeiian recipe for day-old bread.
    From its taste, he says he believes penile stem cells from medusa jellyfish
    may play an important role there also.

biology
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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>

    	In this modern era, where cloning, hybrid and generic engineering have
    become household words, few of us remember the true pioneer of genetic
    experimentation. I am, of course speaking of Dr. Moreau. Not the Dr. Moreau
    immortalized by H. G. Wells in his famous novel, but the real Pierre Moreau
    who actually attempted to form new species from unrelated animals. Most of
    his experiments failed. Most of the documents that survived deal with his
    attempts to cross a dog and a cat, but none lived more than a few hours
    after birth. His studies were ridiculed by the French Academy of Science
    and he died in disgrace not realizing he was a hundred years ahead of his time.
    	He had only a single real success, which occurred when he cloned the
    chromosomes of the black rhinoceros with the giant panda of China. Only one
    of this new species, which he called a pandaceros survived beyond infancy
    but with diligence and care, one did grow to full maturity.
    	This magnificent animal was over five foot tall and weighed 500 pounds. It
    had a long soft black and white fur coat and a 18 inch hollow cylindrical
    horn on its forehead. The horn communicated through a canal with the
    posterior pharynx, which, unlike the elephant which uses its trunk to
    breathe, was primary used for feeding. His daily supply of bamboo shoots
    and berries was placed in the horn and with the use of a plunger-like
    devise invented by Dr. Moreau, the beast could get its frequent feedings as
    it desired. It was a loving animal, ideal for a pet, and loved to play with
    children. Unfortunately, like most hybrids, it was sterile. This made
    commercial production of pandaceri uneconomical, and the process was never
    repeated by Dr. Moreau or his disciples.
    	In 1895, faced with forced closure of his island laboratories, Moreau sold
    his only successful hybrid to the Circus de Royal, where it was the premier
    attraction for two years before its untimely death from pneumonia. Visitors
    from throughout the world travelled to have an opportunity to pet this
    wonderful beast. For a few years, the Circus de Royal was the most talked
    about and visited entertainment center in all of Europe.
    	Now, one hundred years after the untimely death of the world’s only
    pandaceros, there are few still alive that remember their trips to the
    circus and the excitement of seeing and petting the magnificent ...  furry
    with the syringe on the top.

    (By Stan Kegel based on stories by Richard Bratner and Bennett Cerf and a
    song by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein, Jr.)
    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
    	The couple left the gynecologist’s office with the wife in tears. They
    were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have
    the family they both desired so fervently.
    	Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he
    said, handing them a card.
    	"Why are you masked?" the husband asked.
    	"Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the
    address on this card. The doctor will take a scrapping from one of your
    mouths and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for
    you."
    	"This is the answer to our prayers!" the wife exclaimed. Then she turned
    to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked
    her husband.
    	He answered,  "That was the Clone Arranger" (By Stan Kegel)

biology
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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
      It had been a horrible week.
      Henry was an entomologist at the local university. He was to be up for a
    promotion this year and with the promotion would come tenure. But there was
    a problem.
      It was not that he couldn’t teach. His Biology 210 classes were always
    packed and two years ago he was honored by the undergraduates  by being
    named their favorite teacher.
      No his problem was with his research. He hadn’t had a successful research
    project in several years.  His last paper that had been published was three
    years ago. And in this day of "Publish or Perish," this was not a good
    situation, particularly for a non-tenured professor.
      The week had started with a shock. He had received notice that his
    research grants would not be renewed for the coming year. And if that was
    not enough, the Dean had called him into his office and told him his
    contract would not be renewed unless he had a paper accepted for
    publication by a major entomology journal before the end of the school
    year.
      Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over,
    so that he could work in his garden. This always had been effective in
    relieving tension in the past. But to his chagrin, he found most of his
    roses were dying, and on further examination found they were infested with
    a parasite.
      But what were these insects. They appeared to belong to the order
    Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals not plants.
      He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of
    Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
      He gathered up several specimens, and rushed to his lab, full of new
    vigor. He examined the insects and detail and rapidly wrote an article
    describing this new species of insect.
      Well, I’m sure you know result. The article was immediately accepted by
    the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received his
    most coveted tenure. And he received a new major grant to study this new species.
      You could say . . . he had discovered a new lice on leaf. (By Stan Kegel)

    For non-americans:
    The pun is a play on an old American cliche, "A new lease on life," which
    means a second chance.

biology
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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>

      Are you bewildered by the fluctuations in the stock market. If so, you are
    not alone. The answer is really simple. The market has nothing to do with
    the profitability of a firm. It has only to do with the expectations of
    investors as to what future profitability might be.
      Take the meteoric rise and abrupt fall in Merck stock recently. As you
    probably know Merck is an old established chemical and drug company which
    has always been profitable. They are a leader in cardiac (Vasotec,
    Hydrodiuril) and arthritic (Decadron, Indocin) drugs. Their growth has been
    stabile but not spectacular. So why the sudden changes in their stock.
      Well, it seems that Merck researchers have developed a breakthrough drug
    in the treatment of depression, especially effective in the depression
    common in adolescent women. This new drug, dihydromethylfluxotine or the
    brand name proposed, Ufouria, has been undergoing extensive double blind
    studies in the United States and Sweden and preliminary reports indicated
    that this was a significant advance in therapy being highly effective
    without the distressing side effects of related drugs such as Prozac.
      News of the preliminary results reached the market. It was the consensus
    of market analysts that Ufouria would have the same effect on Merck’s
    profits that Viagra had had on Pfizer’s. The newsletters all recommended
    immediate buying and the price of Merck stock soared 220% in less than a
    week, and continued to rise slowly over the next several months.
      Finally enough data was available to petition the Federal Drug
    Administration to release the drug. In analyzing the results, a strange
    occurrence was noted. It seems that a large portion of the teen-aged girls
    treated with Ufouria had abruptly left home to join a convent.
      Well, needless to say, the F. D. A. refused to licence Ufouria and stock
    prices tumbled. In their denial, the F. D. A. cited as the reason that . .
    . Ufouria was habit forming. (By Stan Kegel)

biology
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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
      They were the first to attempt to colonize Mars. They knew it would be
    difficult , but they were determined to succeed.
      They had landed with grass seeds to plant and embryos of horse, sheep and
    cattle. But the grass wouldn't grow, and none of the calves survived. The
    horses and sheep were doing well, but there not enough animals to meet
    their needs.
      So they sent a message to earth asking for more sheep and horses and a
    replacement for the cattle and grass. They particularly wanted an animal
    that could be used as meat in place of beef.
      Earth radioed back asking if venison would be satisfactory and the
    colonists replied it was.
      Finally a space shuttle arrived with the needed supplies. The bill of
    lading was rushed to the leader of the colony who then spoke to his consul,
    "we got everything we asked for," he shouted. . . . "They sent mare zygotes
    and doe zygotes and little lambs and ivy." (By Stan Kegel)

    For non-americans:
    This is a play on the words to a classic children's song, "Mairzy Doats"
    the words being "Mairzy doats and doazey doats and little lambsie divey"
    meaning "mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy."

biology
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    Special Category: Definitions and terms
    From: Tim Bruening <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us>
    Peptide:  The result of the moon pulling on the Pepsi.

biology
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    From: Buffalo Chilkat <mammal@watering.hole>

    What did one thermophilic bacteriologist say online to another?
    "I think you are really hot.  Your PCR mine?"

biology
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    From: "Karl Ackerman" <ackermak@upstate.edu>

    I have some science jokes,that I KNOW you don't have (because I
    made them up).

    1. Q: What's a pirate's favorite amino acid?
    A: Arrrrrrrrginine.

    2. Q: Where do they send the criminal neurons?
    A: To the chain ganglion.

biology
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    From: Pierre Abbat <phma@webjockey.net>

    What kind of notebook does a dendrochronologist use?
    A tree-ring binder.

    Why didn't the dendrochronologist get married?
    All he ever dated was trees!

biology
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    From: Raphael Jesus <hercullessrj@yahoo.com>
                    Puns on evolution or the evolution of Puns?

    Why was Darwin a bad man?

    Because he was an Evilutionist!

    Why is an Evolutionist not a good person to interrogate?

    Because he always speaks with his on Volition (Volution?)

    What did Evil Knievel and Darwin have in common?

    They had an Evul smile!

    If you take U and I out of Evolution, what do you have?

    a TON of LOVE!

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 4. biology - general
- 4.1 biology poetry
- 4.2 biology quotes
- 4.3 biology puns
- 4.4 cloning
- 4.5 biochemistry
- 4.6 evolution
- 4.7 mice and rats
- 4.8 cell biology
- 4.9 bacteria

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