## 2. PHYSICS

#### Subsections

- 2. physics - general
- 2.1 physics poetry
- 2.2 physics quotes
- 2.3 physics puns
- 2.4 pseudo physics (cat physics, cartoon physics)
- 2.5 new physical theories
- 2.6 learning physics
- 2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots)
- 2.8 physical proofs
- 2.9 physical one-liners
- 2.10 quantum mechanics (starring Schroedingers cat!)
- 2.11 relativity
- 2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer
- 2.13 physicists
- 2.14 astronomy
- 2.15 electrons
- 2.16 electro-magnetism and light
- 2.17 Newtons's laws and classical dynamics
- 2.18 thermodynamics
- 2.19 in the lab
- 2.20 strange but real findings
- 2.21 the buttered bread on cat problem

### 2.4 PSEUDO PHYSICS (CAT PHYSICS, CARTOON PHYSICS)

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physics
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    From: ftp.cco.caltech.edu, maintained by Nathan Mates (nathan@cco.caltech.edu)

    From: Philip Clarke <clar0318@flinders.edu.au>

                           Cartoon Laws of Physics
    Cartoon Law I
    Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
    situation.
    Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.  He loiters
    in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down.  At
    this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second
    takes over.

    Cartoon Law II
    Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
    intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on
    foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
    telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion
    absolutely.  Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion
    the stooge's surcease.

    Cartoon Law III
    Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
    conforming to its perimeter.

    Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality
    of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who
    are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a
    house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole.  The threat of skunks or
    matrimony often catalyses this reaction.

    Cartoon Law IV
    The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than
    or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
    spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

    Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
    inevitably unsuccessful.

    Cartoon Law V
    All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

    Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them
    directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky noise or an
    adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the
    cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.  The feet
    of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need
    never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

    Cartoon Law VI
    As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

    This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
    character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation
    at several places simultaneously.  This effect is common as well among
    bodies that are spinning or being throttled.  A `wacky' character has
    the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may
    ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

    Cartoon Law VII
    Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
    entrances; others cannot.

    This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
    it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick
    an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.
    The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow
    into the painting.  This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

    Cartoon Law VIII
    Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

    Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
    might comfortably afford.  They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
    accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
    destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
    elongate, snap back, or solidify.

    Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

    Cartoon Law IX
    Everything falls faster than an anvil.

    From: Isoperimetrosity <sjd100@york.ac.uk>
    Cartoon Law X
    For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

    This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the
    physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it
    happen to a duck instead.

    Cartoon Law Amendment A
    A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

    When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a
    character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

    Cartoon Law Amendment B
    The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

    Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent
    objects appear from behind their backs at will.  For instance, the Road
    Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

    Cartoon Law Amendment C
    Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.

    They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

    Cartoon Law Amendment D
    Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

    Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine
    suspended over a large vertical drop.  Its feet will begin to fall first,
    causing its legs to stretch.  As the wave reaches its torso, that part will
    begin to fall, causing the neck to strech.  As the head begins to fall,
    tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions
    until such time as it strikes the ground.

    Cartoon Law Amendment E
    Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon
    laws hold).

    The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which
    postulated that the tensions involved in maintianing a space would cause
    the creation of hydrogen from nothing.  Dynamite quanta are quite large
    (stick sized) and unstable (lit).  Such quanta are attracted to psychic
    forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see
    Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use
    said quanta to their advantage.  One may imagine C-spaces where all matter
    and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding.  A big bang
    indeed.

    From: Spud39@aol.com
    Cartoon Law Amendment F
    All objects do not  any mass until a small sheet of paper is added,
    then all objects have mass.

physics
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    From:    Heather (z950257@oats.farm.niu.edu)

                                  FELINE PHYSICS

    Law of Cat Inertia

      A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by
      some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby
      scurrying mouse.

    Law of Cat Motion

      A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good
      reason to change direction.

    Law of Cat Magnetism

      All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
      proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

    Law of Cat Thermodynamics

      Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case
      of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

    Law of Cat Stretching

      A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of
      the nap just taken.

    Law of Cat Sleeping

      All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position
      as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as
      possible for the cat.

    Law of Cat Elongation

      A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any
      counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

    Law of Cat Obstruction

      A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the
      maximum amount of human foot traffic.

    Law of Cat Acceleration

      A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and
      ready to stop.

    Law of Dinner Table Attendance

      Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

    Law of Rug Configuration

      No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

    Law of Obedience Resistance

      A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for
      her to do something.

    First Law of Energy Conservation

      Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and
      will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

    Second Law of Energy Conservation

      Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

    Law of Refrigerator Observation

      If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come
      along and take out something good to eat.

    Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

      Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the
      speed of light.

    Law of Random Comfort Seeking

      A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
      comfortable spot in any given room.

    Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

      All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within
      the earliest possible nanosecond.

    Law of Cat Embarrassment

      A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment
      times the amount of human laughter.

    Law of Milk Consumption

      A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he
      can.

    Law of Furniture Replacement

      A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to
      the cost of the furniture.

    Law of Cat Landing

      A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the
      mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

    Law of Fluid Displacement

      A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the
      amount of milk consumed.

    Law of Cat Disinterest

      A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the
      amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

    Law of Pill Rejection

      Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape
      velocity.

    Law of Cat Composition

      A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

physics
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    From: Sandra Kallander <Sandra_Kallander@spe.sony.com>
    Second Law of Cat Thermodynamics

    The underside of a cat expands and contracts due to temperature changes
    to a greater degree than its topside, assuring that the tightness of the
    cat's curl correlates to the temperature of the room.

    Sandra.

physics
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    From: Andrew Ray <aray@emory.edu>
                          THE LAWS OF AUTOMOTIVE PHYSICS:

    1.  As automotive particles move through space, they travel along various
    energy states.  Areas with few particles tend to have only 2 or maybe 3
    energy states, while congested areas can have up to 6 or 7 energy states.
    Counterparticles move through space in the opposite direction, but always
    with the same number of energy states available.  Some areas are composed
    of antimatter (see Nippobritish matter below) exclusively.

    2.  Each auto is composed of several flavors - most autos are made of 4 or
    6 flavors, but a fair number have 8 and a few smaller auto particles have
    three.  The number of flavors determines both the size of the particle
    (from compact to limo) and the acceleration of the particle through space.
    Faster acceleration and subsequent higher velocities allow the particles to
    move into higher energy states, arbitrarily called left lanes.

    3.  There are three states to automotive particle matter - European,
    American, and Mexicaribbean.  European matter is the most ordered, with
    particles staying in their lowest energy states except when accelerated to
    speeds faster than nearby particles.  American matter is somewhat ordered,
    with some particles maintaining their lowest states.  However, some
    particles, particularly older ones, tend to randomly drift into higher
    energy states without the speed needed to maintain that state.  This
    creates bottlenecks and can increase the viscosity of American matter until
    it moves at the speed of molasses.  The most chaotic form is Mexicaribbean
    matter (MC).  MC matter consists of poorly defined, meandering energy
    states.  Particles move at random angles in all directions, arbitrarily
    bouncing into various energy states.  Accelerations tend to be rapid and
    velocities high, resulting in frequent collisions between particles and
    their counterparticles, and rapid changes between highly viscous,
    slow-moving matter and high-velocity, fast-flowing matter.

    4.  American matter has been successfully reduced in temperature to a state
    of near absolute zero - the point where acceleration and velocity are both
    near or at zero.  Automotive physicists, being quirky, named this
    low-temp. state "Rush Hour".

    5.  American matter also behaves in odd, yet predictable ways.  For
    instance, it is a well known fact that as the number of available energy
    states expands, the number of slow-moving particles expands to match the
    number of available energy states.  The result is that some slow-moving
    particles will move into all the higher energy states available, creating
    the molasses effect whether there are 2 or 6 energy states.  These
    particles come in many different varieties, named "idiot", "imbecile",
    "moron", etc.  The slowest particles have much more offensive names, and
    can occasionally result in other particles firing small, yet powerful
    microparticles at the slow particles - ending in the destruction of the
    slow particle.

    6.  American matter is also unpredictable in some ways, particularly with
    regards to its reactivity with other substances.  Ethyl alcohol, for
    instance, can cause particles to become frozen and clogged due to
    collisions with particles in the same energy state, or can make the
    particles reverse spin and jump into an inverse energy state, where they
    can be annihilated in collisions with their counterparticles.  However, the
    alcohol-treated particle tends to escape destruction more often than the
    untreated particle.  Treating American matter with cannabinoids tends to
    slow down the particles to a crawl, and impart a glassy look to them.

    7.  American matter is increasingly being affected by electromagnetic
    radiation in the "cellphone" bandwidth.  It tends to cause the particles
    affected by it to move more randomly, especially moving into and out of
    different energy states.  It also causes increased numbers of particle
    collisions.  However, it can facilitate the decay of particles that
    collided, to keep the molasses effect from being too great.

    8.  There is a peculiar species of antimatter, called Nippobritish matter.
    It moves in energy states completely opposite of European and American
    matter, and most Mexicaribbean matter.

    Any automotive physicists who are experts on European matter or MC matter
    are welcome to share their insights into these forms of matter.

    Prof. Andrew Ray
    Wishing the slow particles would move out of the way

physics
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    From: Paula Defensor <defensor@philonline.com>

    THE LAWYER INTERPRETS THE PHYSICIST... JOKES
    (an all-original composition by Paula D.(lawyer) and Stephen K. (physicist)
    Reprints with acknowledgments allowed.
    (a lawyer from the Pacific and a physicist from Europe team-up for the Science Humor Ring)

    1. Conservation of Energy - the total energy (i.e. the sum of potential and
    kinetic energy) of a closed system doesnt change under the influence of
    conservative forces. Closed means that the system doesnt exchange matter
    with its environment.

    <A lawyer should never transform potential to kinetic energy without the
    appropriate safeguards for payment of attorney's fees. The law firm is a
    closed system too, determined by conservative forces in that - in a law
    firm you NEVER change the established rule that :"Once the client sits down
    in front of you, the clock starts ticking and so does billing time." Try
    changing that and YOU GET FIRED !>

    2. Conservation of Momentum - momentum is the product of mass and
    velocity. As energy is related to time, momentum is to space.

    <Mass and velocity - the more cases you have, the faster you must work or
    you lose all of them, including your job. Energy is related to time in that
    you have more energy before your court hearings in the morning, and
    depletion usually occurs in the afternoon or when the coffeemaker suddenly
    churns out decaf.>

    3. Newton's First Law - a body on which no forces are acting will continue
    in its state of motion. This means it will stay at rest, if it has been
    resting initially, or will move in a straight line at constant
    speed. Moving straight or being at rest is physically equivalent.

    <If a Partner is not watching, lawyers will continue chit-chatting or just
    stay idle behind their desks. But once a Partner appears, they start
    walking in a straight line, at constant speed back to their rooms.....>

    4. Heisenberg's uncertainty principle - the more precise you measure where
    a thing is, the smaller is your knowledge about its velocity and vice-versa

    <a criminal can defy all laws of gravity, in fact, his flight can be faster
    than the speed of light.... you switch on the light, and he suddenly
    disappears...and he was there awhile ago !!! no physicist would want to
    measure his velocity...wanna get killed while measuring ????>

    5. Quantum Zenon effect - you can keep a system from changing by repeatedly
    measuring the state of the system

    <if you keep annoying the judge, you are liable to be cited for
    contempt. But UNLIKE quantum zenon effect, the system can REALLY
    change.....you can end up in jail and no amount of physics will save you,
    better post bail, honey>

    6. Theory of Relativity - E= mc^2

    <in legal terms it just means ---> Energy = mass of clients (squared, or
    the more the merrier...the more energy you have :) OR

    Energy = mass of money of clients, squared or otherwise.

    7. Principle of General Relativity - one cannot distinguish between gravity
    and acceleration....so for example in a case of free fall, you feel
    weightless because the effects of gravity and downward acceleration just
    cancel.

    <sometimes you want to stand up, but when you see your calendar of
    deadlines, you sit down again (gravity)...then when the Partner calls you
    to report on the status of the case at the upper floor, it seems the
    elevator just wont move and seems to want to stay at your floor....then
    voila ! it happens.... the great theory of general relativity - if you
    havent done your assignments on time, you fall into irreparable
    embarrassment, you just fall.....fall....fall.....deeper and deeper...your
    status in the law firm cant accelerate any faster...you just go with
    gravity - down, down, down...

    	This gravity thing should be repealed ! LOL

    						-End-

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 2. physics - general
- 2.1 physics poetry
- 2.2 physics quotes
- 2.3 physics puns
- 2.4 pseudo physics (cat physics, cartoon physics)
- 2.5 new physical theories
- 2.6 learning physics
- 2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots)
- 2.8 physical proofs
- 2.9 physical one-liners
- 2.10 quantum mechanics (starring Schroedingers cat!)
- 2.11 relativity
- 2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer
- 2.13 physicists
- 2.14 astronomy
- 2.15 electrons
- 2.16 electro-magnetism and light
- 2.17 Newtons's laws and classical dynamics
- 2.18 thermodynamics
- 2.19 in the lab
- 2.20 strange but real findings
- 2.21 the buttered bread on cat problem

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