## 2. PHYSICS

#### Subsections

- 2. physics - general
- 2.1 physics poetry
- 2.2 physics quotes
- 2.3 physics puns
- 2.4 pseudo physics (cat physics, cartoon physics)
- 2.5 new physical theories
- 2.6 learning physics
- 2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots)
- 2.8 physical proofs
- 2.9 physical one-liners
- 2.10 quantum mechanics (starring Schroedingers cat!)
- 2.11 relativity
- 2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer
- 2.13 physicists
- 2.14 astronomy
- 2.15 electrons
- 2.16 electro-magnetism and light
- 2.17 Newtons's laws and classical dynamics
- 2.18 thermodynamics
- 2.19 in the lab
- 2.20 strange but real findings
- 2.21 the buttered bread on cat problem

### 2.3 PHYSICS PUNS

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

physics
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    From: Nick Migallo  (NPM@wycliffe.co.uk)

    WATT is the unit of power?

physics
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    From: "James Glenn Davanna" <PHYJGD@phyfsa.phy.hw.ac.uk>

    Did you hear about the guy who wanted his windows cleaned? He had
    Bose-Einstien condensation

physics
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    From: Phillips R&D Analytical LIMS <grs@ppco.com>
    Fractured Quotation
    "Stone walls do not a prism make, nor iron bars a diffraction grating."

physics
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    From: chic.m@zetnet.co.uk (Charles McGregor)

    Q: What is the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty
         Therapist?
    A:  The Quantum Theorist uses Planck's Constant as a foundation,
          whereas the Beauty Therapist uses Max Factor.

physics
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    From: Raymond W Jensen <jensen@CMU.EDU>
    Q: What's the difference between Max Factor and Quantum Theorist?
    A: Max Factor has models that work.

physics
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    From: Page Leyton J <PageL@wycliffe.co.uk>
    Q: What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch?
    A: Fission Chips.

physics
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    From: pivo <P.F.Geelhoed@student.tn.tudelft.nl>
    Q: Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs
    A: They don't commute

physics
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    S-State Agents
    Low energy accomodation for two!

physics
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    From: Don Burgess (becquerel@csi.com)

    Many years ago I saw on the wall of an accelerator lab a poster that declared:
    "Quasars are far out!"

physics
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    From: Sara
    Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
    A: "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees"

physics
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    From:         "Dr. Mark W. Lund" <mlund@moxtek.com>
    Q: What did one photon say to the other photon?
    A: I'm sick and tired of your interference.

physics
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    From: fc3a501@AMRISC01.math.uni-hamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann)

    I believe in the heat death of the Universe.
    I'm a Kelvinist.

physics
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    From: SCIENCTRIX@aol.com
    My sibling was asking me about the orbits of planets and the amount of area
    swept in any given time.  I had to ask him, "Am I my brother's Kepler?"

physics
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    From: "Katy  Hewis" <katy@hewis.freeserve.co.uk>
    Q.  What did one electron say to the other electron?
    A.  Don't get excited.  You'll only get into a state!

physics
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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
    A physics professor at a state university in Michigan was famous for
    his animated lectures. He was short and thin with wild white hair and
    an excited expression. In lecture he would through himself from the
    top of desks and throw frisbees to students in the back row to
    illustrate various principles.

    One day in class he was spinning on an office chair holding weights
    in each hand when he lost his balance and tumbled into the first row.
    He apologized to his class for going off on a tangent.

    From: "Profusions of Puns, Gaggles of Groaners"

physics
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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
    Special Category: Isaac Newton
     Sir Isaac Newton had a theory of how to get the best outcomes in a
    courtroom. He suggested to lawyers that they should drag their arguments
    into the late afternoon hours. The English judges of his day would never
    abandon their 4 o'clock tea time, and therefore would always bring down
    their hammer and enter a hasty, positive decision so they could retire to
    their chambers for a cup of Earl Grey.

     This tactic used by the British lawyers is still recalled as Newton's Law
    of Gavel Tea. (By Guy Ben Moshe)

    From: Robert E. Lewis (rlewis@brazosport.cc.tx.us)

    The higher courts skip tea altogether and make do by
    snacking on the fruit that inspired Newton's Law - that's
    why they're called the Apple-et Courts.

physics
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    From: <joke.adam@student.kuleuven.ac.be>
    Question: Why do soccer club Fermi and club Bose never play a match against
    each other?

    Answer: They can't agree about the spin of the ball.

physics
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    From: "Risto A. Paju" <rp241@cam.ac.uk>
    Micro Farad (the capacitor) applied for a top job and wondered if his CV
    was high enough.

    -----

    no extra comments should be needed since people reading these pages
    usually know that charge = Q = CV = capacitance * voltage.

physics
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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
    Special Category: Albert Einstein
    Albert Einstein married his cousin. He had tried to date outside his family
    circle, but he never found any women appealing - especially in the boob
    department - that weren't within his familial group. He postulated that
    there is a special attraction to women in one's own family in his Theory of
    Relative Titty. (By Guy Ben Moshe)

physics
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    From: "Louis Hom" <lhom@nature.berkeley.edu>

    I have an idea for a bumper sticker:

    "I abhor M theory with every fiber of my being."

    Now I'm thinking maybe it should instead be

    	"I abh^D^D^Dadore M theory with every fiber of my being."

    Trying to keep a positive outlook on life ;)

    > Apparently I get out of touch.  What is M theory?

    (M theory is a theory that unifies the five different string theories (or so I
    hear) out there.  The M usually seems to stand for 'membrane'.   More info at
    http://www.ransom.co.uk/universe/press_12.htm )

physics
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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
     A high school physics teacher had a summer job as a beach lifeguard.  He
    noted that the best tanned babes flirted the most throughout the summer,
    though they never found steady boyfriends. He theorized that: A body in
    lotion trends to stray emotion. (By Guy Ben Moshe)
    From: "Profusions of Puns, Gaggles of Groaners"

physics
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    From:    Hauke Reddmann (fc3a501@AMRISC01.math.uni-hamburg.de)

    OK, here are some Physics Song Titles to guess.
    Solution after spoiler. Followups over my dead body.

    1. zzzzzzz>400nm

    2. E>>0

    3. L

    4. t=0

    1. I dream in Infrared (Accept??)
    2. High Energy (?)
    3. Action (The Sweet)
    4. Time's Up! (Living Colour)

    From:    Monk Jack  (Monk_Jack@biosys.net)

    4b Surely t=0 is an initial condition, which reminds me of 'In the
    beginning', 'We've only just begun', 'Begin again', 'Start all over' etc.

    oh and you've missed off the most obvious:

    5. E=mc^2

    A. E=mc^2 (Big Audio Dynamite)

physics chemistry
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    Special Category: Erwin Schrödinger
    From: "Pierre Abbat" <phma@trellis.net>
    Maybe Schrödinger isn't the best choice, but here it is:
    Q: What is Schoedinger's parakeet called?
    A: Ein Teilchensittich.
    (Kekul, of course, has an orthokeet... as long as the hoop snake didn't
    get to it.)

    Explanation German.
    Sittich is German for parrot
    Wellensittich is German for parakeet
    Welle is German for wave.
    Teilchen is German for particle.
    There is no Sittich. There is, though, a Wellensittich, which by
    wave-particle duality becomes a Teilchensittich.

physics
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    "Absolute zero is cool."

physics
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    From: Omer Ahmad <ahmad@vif.com>
    In a class on Modeling and analysis of physical systems....

    Potential Sources:

    		There not sources, but they could be.

physics
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    A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
    The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
    "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
    "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

physics
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    benker@cae.wisc.edu
    Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says,
    "Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!"
    The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"
    "Yes, I'm positive!"

    From: Mountain Man <prfbrown@magna.com.au>
    So the 2nd atom aks: "Quantum well - what are ya gunnadoo abootit?

    and the 1st atom, after having a few, replies:

      "In principle, I am uncertain about getting charged,
       maybe its gone off on the great cosmic wave train,
       or eloped with a stray alpha particle.
       Maybe I'm just losing my attraction?
       Maybe I've taken one too many hits from the lab.
       Maybe I should just decay right here in this bar."

    At that moment, a delightful little e- flies through the
    aether of the inter-atomic realms and settles in a mutually
    comfortable 1920's eigenstatechair near the virtuous pair,
    and says to the two atoms:

       "Hope you guys are not molecular"

    So the 1st atom perks up and says:

       "Naa: just been surfin' and think I lost an electron"

    The 2nd atom finishes his drink and leaves, saying:

       "Gunna split. Gotta DNA contract this evenin'"

    And as the sun sets slowly in the west, and the crescent moon
    rises only just a little faster over the eastern ridges of
    the atomic horizon, the atom and the electron take a stroll
    under the emergent stars, and know with a growing certaintly
    that they are not just some loose charges looking for a little
    physical action, but in fact the beginning of a newly created
    completeness in the midst of the cosmic harmony - if only for
    a picosecond.

    Albert puts down his stopwatch and smiles, despite the
    reception of his theory.

physics
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    A hydrogen atom came running into a police station asking for help....

    Hydrogen atom:  Someone just stole my electron!!
    Policeman:  Are you sure?
    Hydrogen atom:  Yes, I'm positive
    From: freya@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (Smile)

    policeman: Oh, I thought you were just being negative again.

physics
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    From: dsmillie@superior.carleton.ca (David Smillie)

    Two sodium atoms are flying around a cyclotron. Suddenly the first atom
    said to the second, `Hey, I think I've just lost an electron.'
    `Are you sure?' asked the second atom.
    `Yeah,' said the first, `I'm positive.'

    Of course, the _real_ joke is that neither sodium atom could have been
    flying around the cyclotron in the first place, unless they were _already_
    ionized.
    (collapses to the floor, gasping for breath and chuckling hysterically
    while everyone else in the room edges nervously away)

physics
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    From: harper@kauri.vuw.ac.nz (John Harper)

    every couple has its moment, especially

physics
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    Ivan Ivanovich, great russian Scientist does an experiment. He wants
    to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and
    a light, a candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and recognices
    that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, great
    russian scientific writes in his book: A theomometer falls with the speed
    of light.

physics
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    Why did the cat fall off the roof?
    Because he lost his mu.  (mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction)

physics
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    Brownian motion = Jogging girl scout

physics
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    From: jtbell@presby.edu (Jon Bell)
    Q:  What do you call the random path that a cow makes as it grazes in the
    pasture?
    A:  Bovinian motion.

physics
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    Bob Terry's sigline urges us to "Join the Brownian Movement!" At the time
    (in Los Angeles) I had a magnetic sign on my car saying REPEAL OHM'S LAW
    with my telephone number, I got a call from someone urging me to join the
    Brownian Movement. When I asked him what folks did in the Brownian
    Movement, he told me they just got together to mill around. - Allan Hjer3pe

physics
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    Years ago, when I lived in Topanga, California (near LA) I had a magnetic
    sign on my car saying REPEAL OHM'S LAW with my phone number. As a result I
    received a number of interesting calls. One was from a physics professor at
    UCLA. He said he was all in favor of repealing Ohm's Law, but requested
    that I wait until the end of the quarter so he wouldn't have to rewrite his
    lecture notes.

    Allan wrote that he was "on the committee to revoke Ohm's Law". Let me
    guess: Ohm's Law: is that the one about sitting crosslegged and chanting
    "Ohm! Ohm! Ohm!" ?  Watt is Ohm's law and who volted it into existence? Has
    it met with any resistance in its application? Please respond quickly
    because my hair is on end and my emotional life has become static while
    awaiting an answer. Gus Seligmann

    Ohm's Law was good enough in its time, but that time is past. It is a
    rankly discriminatory piece of legislation and should be repealed or
    severely amended. Current should be directly proportional to BOTH voltage
    and resistance, or inversely proportional to both, or proportional to
    neither.

physics
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    From: Alex Couture-Beil http://mofo.ca/

    Resistance begins at ohm.

physics
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    The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the
    big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC.
    SPLAC?  Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.

physics
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    Anything that doesn't matter has no mass.

physics
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    From: s5100101@nickel.laurentian.ca
    Q:      What is a tachyon?
    A:      A sub-atomic particle devoid of good taste.

physics
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    From: s5100101@nickel.laurentian.ca
    Special Category: Albert Einstein
            Albert Einstein had been working on his theory of relativity a lot
    and he was just about finished. He was almost ready to publish his work.
    However, he was under a lot of stress so he thought he would go on vacation
    to Mexico.

            Albert had a glorious two week vacation and was having the time of his
    life.  On the last night he was staying there he decided to take a walk along
    the beach and watch the sunset.

            As he watched the sun go down he thought of the light of the sun and
    then the speed of light.  You see, he had been using the speed of light in a
    lot of his calculations but he didn't decided on what symbol to use for it.
    Greek had been so overused.

            Just at that moment Senior Wensez was also walking along the beach in
    the opposite direction.  Albert caught him out of the corner of his eye and
    remarked suddenly, "Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is very fast?"

            Senior Wensez paused for a moment and replied, "Si."

physics
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    Polymer physicists are into chains.

physics
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    Two electron convicts are sitting in a jail cell together.
    The first one says, "What are you in for?"
    The second one says, "For attempting a forbidden transition."

physics
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    Gravity brings me down
    Neutrinos have bad breadth (J.F. FreemanIII, Raleigh, N.C.)

physics
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    From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith@calweb.com>
    Gravity is a law.  Lawbreakers will be brought down!

physics
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    Q: What do physicist enjoy doing the most at baseball games?
    A: The 'wave'.

physics
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    Q: What is uttered by a sick duck?
    A: Quark!

physics
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    Q: What is an astronomical unit?
    A: One helluva big apartment

physics
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    From: an216284@anon.penet.fi (YUMMYYAMS)

    Overheard after a student failed a physics test miserably:
    Nuclear, Hydrogen, Atomic, My test-  They can all be bombs.

physics
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    From: rhi@festival.ed.ac.uk (Rhiannon Macfie)

    The particle physicist was tired of his work - he'd been trying to discover
    the loveton (the hypothetical particle that carries the force of attraction
    between two people) and he was getting nowhere. `What I need,' he said to
    himself,`is a good long holiday doing somthing completely different.'So he
    went to his travel agent and got some holiday brochures and looked through
    them, trying to decide what to do. Skiing in the Alps? No - too near CERN.
    Scuba diving on the barrier reef? No - he'd forever be trying to calculate
    the pressure he was under at any particular depth. At last, just as he was
    about to give up and go back to his collider, he spotted a small ad in the
    classified section that appeard to be just the thing. `SAILING HOLIDAYS',
    it declared. `Come and be part of the crew of a sailing vessel. Get away
    from it all.'

    Well, this looked like just the thing, so he picked up the phone and dialled
    the number. A voice answered. `Yes?'

    `Uhmmm, well, I saw your advertisement, and I was wondering if I might book a
    place on one of your sailing holidays..?'

    `Ah, well, you'd have to speak to the Captain of the ship about that. Hang
    on, and I'll get him for you.'

    A long pause. Finally, a deep gruff voice came on. `Captain Higgs speaking.
    You want to go on the sailing trip?'

    `Yes,' answered the physicist.

    `Well, you're only just in time. We leave next week, and there's only two
    places left. Would you rather be the cook or the bo'sun?'

    The physicist thought for a minute. `I'd rather be the bo'sun, I think,' he
    said at last.

    `Good.. ' replied the captain, and then went on to give details of where and
    when the ship was leaving. Next week, the physicist was sailing for foreign
    shores.

    He had a wonderful time on the ship, and came back to his work refreshed and
    ready to go (though he never did discover the loveton). He never did forget
    the trip, or the holiday he spent as Higg's Bo'sun.

physics
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    From: "Caleb B." <calebb@u.washington.edu>
    Got mole problems? Call Avogadro at 602-1023.

physics
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    From:  "David Joshua Faber" <riverrat449@msn.com>
    "A small furry mammal walks into a bar and orders a drink.  The bartender
    says, "Sorry, our occupancy is only 6.02*10^20."  We can't serve a mole."

physics
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    From: "Dale Epperson" <Depperson@Brookstone.ga.net>
    What do you get if you have Avogadro's number of donkeys?
    Answer: molasses (a mole of asses)

physics
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    From: aaron@falcon.cc.ukans.edu (Aaron Hoyt)

    Prof: Some people have proposed using Krypton gas in scintillator detectors.
    Grad Student: Won't that scare away the superstrings?

physics
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    From: Giorgio Torrieri <orie0064@sable.ox.ac.uk>
    What is a quantum particle?
    The dreams that stuff is made of!  -- David Moser

physics
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    From: "J Scott Somers" <jssomers@home.com>
    Quantum Mechanics homework:
    "It's all fun and games until someone loses an i"
    "They're just about finished, they just have to dot the i's and cross the
    h's"

physics
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    From: Giorgio Torrieri <orie0064@sable.ox.ac.uk>
    What is JJ coupling?
    JP Thompson's conception

physics
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    From: Aliquotes iv.i (journal) (rogerb@microsoft.com)
    Did you hear about the French post-doc who went to work at the Fermi Lab,
    but never went in because the sign over the door always said it was closed.

physics
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    From: mdecaire@eagle.wbm.ca (Marc Guy DeCaire)

    Q: What do you call it when atomic scientists grab their rods and gather
       around the old watering hole?
    A: Nuclear fishin'

physics
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    From: jsalmon@sapcmail.jsc.nasa.gov (jsalmon)

    Are vacuum thermoses formed using a Dewar die?

physics
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    From: Keith Stein <sthbrum@sthbrum.demon.co.uk>

    It is said that the "J", also know as the "psi particle", has zero
    charm ".

    I'm sure that's not true ! ( when you get to know it :-)

physics
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    From: Ian Ellis <ian@iglou.com>
    FRESHMEN in the general-science class at Mark Twain Middle School in Mar
    Vista, Calif., were studying astronomy. "What do we call a group of stars
    that makes an imaginary picture in the sky?" the teacher asked.

    "A consternation," one student replied.
       --Contributed to "Tales Out of School" by Ralph E. Hedges
       © 1996 The Reader's Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved.

physics
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    From: rod2410@iperbole.bologna.it (Jim Cregan)

    Q:What do you call a nun who's had a sex change?
    A:A Trans-sister

physics
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    A Simpleton's Guide to Science (stolen from UK magazine)
    Relativity : Family get-togethers at Christmas
    Gravity : Strength of a glass of beer
    Time travel : Throwing the alarm clock at the wall
    Black holes : What you get in black socks
    Critical mass: A gaggle of film reviewers
    Hyperspace : Where you park at the superstore

physics
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    From: rod2410@iperbole.bologna.it (Jim Cregan)

    Q:What is horsepower?
    A:The power it takes to drag a horse a given distance in a given amount of
    time.

physics
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    From: "tony follari" <tonyfollari@hotmail.com>
    Special Category: Albert Einstein
    Q: What does Einstein read on the Toilet?
    A: Brownian motion.

physics
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    From: "tony follari" <tonyfollari@hotmail.com>
    Q: What do you get when you cross a snake with a Physicist?
    A: A Bohr Constrictor.

physics
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    From: rboland@eden.com
    Q:Does light have mass?
    A:Of course not.  It's not even Catholic!!!

physics
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    From: Suzanne Sarlette/Gerald Pearson <suegerry@mut1.muscanet.com>
    Q: What do you call the sum of the diagonal elements of the tensor of
    inertia?
    A:The spur of the moment.

physics
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    From: mgiles@onramp.net (Kristen Giles)

    An engineer friend of mine told me of a  group of scientists that were
    nominated for a Nobel prize. Using dental tools, they were able to sort
    out the smallest particles that mankind has yet  discovered.
    The group became known as " the Graders of the Flossed Quark."

physics
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    From: Tony Zendle <fp55@dial.pipex.com>
    "I met Einstein many years go" theorised Tom, bending the light.
    "....and Newton" added Tom Senior,adding some gravity to the conversation
    From: Fred Kasner <fkasner@enteract.com>
    Yeah, I met Einstein many years ago as well. But I doubt that he really
    noticed. Lack of symmetry.

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    From: "Juan M." <jmollan@NOSPAMpacifier.com>
    "I wish I had invented the telegraph,"  he replied remorsefully.

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    Q: Why is electricity so dangerous?
    A: It doesn't conduct itself.

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    From: oldbear@arctos.com (The Old Bear)

    Subject: You have the right to remain stationary

    Recently, while stopped at a traffic light in the suburbs of Boston
    with an out-of-state friend, a police car pulled up next to us.

    On the side was written in large letters: "NEWTON POLICE."

    My friend's immediate response was, "I wonder what they do.  Enforce
    the Law of Gravity, maybe?"

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    From: clyde wary <pack_rat2@yahoo.com>
    As far as I know,I thought them up first.

    The cannibal cook was attaching his latest victim to the output of a 250KW
    short-wave transmitter.  When queried about his cooking technique, he
    replied, "It makes them really crispy on the outside, but inside, they stay
    rare.  It's the 'skin effect'."

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    From: clyde wary <pack_rat2@yahoo.com>
    As far as I know,I thought them up first.

    There were three Poles sitting in a restaurant.  After the waitress took
    them their third order of pancakes, she asked them, "Would you like 'Mrs.
    Butterworth's' syrup with that, or some 'Ripple' wine?" They said, "We'll
    take the 'Ripple.' The syrup dampens the pancakes."  A while later, she
    came back, and asked, "Would you care for some more wine?"  They responded,
    "We're pretty high, we'll pass."  She went back behind the counter, and put
    a fresh filter in the coffee machine.

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    From: <joke.adam@student.kuleuven.ac.be>
    This one only works in Dutch:

    Een operator A voelt zich depressief. Hij gaat naar een |psi>chiater. Hij
    moet zich op een bank leggen en over zichzelf vertellen. De |psi>chiater
    luistert goed.

     Na een tijdje maakt hij de volgende opmerking: |psi>: Je klinkt zo
    denigrerend over jezelf. Heb je dan geen enkele eigenwaarde?

    A: Jazeker, maar ze zijn allemaal negatief...

    This works because 'eigenwaarde' means 'eigenvalue' but also
    'self-respect'...

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    From: Bristowwan@aol.com

    q: what do you do before mailing a point charge
    a: wrap it up in a gaussian surface

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    From: "PAUL ROBERT VARLEY" <VAR14084@gorseinon.ac.uk>

    Radioactivity - it's as easy as alpha, beta, gamma...

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    From: Cynically Depressed <the_medication's_not_working@invalid.com>
    I find puns about nuclear physicists particularly funny.

    From: J. A. Mc. <xxxxx@lvdi.net>

    Yukon Teller again, Fermi, but she'll not listen. She's too Curie, US.

    From: "Sheila Dundee" <sheILA@chariotXCAPS.net.au>
     We don't charge for them here but I have tried Hawking them in other ngs

    From: "Cybe R. Wizard" <cybe@cyberwizardztower.com>
    Quanta beat 'em!

    From: Hauke Reddmann <fc3a501@uni-hamburg.de>
    Bose of them?

    From: ehorvath35@aol.comNoBS (EHorvath)
    Don't try to get a reactor outta of me--I'm havin a meltdown.

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    From: Travelbeck@aol.com
    I went to see a Broadway show with my friend a couple of weeks ago.  After
    the show ended, everybody in the theater stood up and headed for the exit.
    While we were waiting for the people in the seats next to us to exit the
    row, I commented that this was a "mass exodus."  Then my friend looked at
    me and asked, "Are you sure? How do you know it's mass and not weight?"  I
    then looked at her and said, "Because we're not being forced."

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    From: Travelbeck@aol.com
    Q. Why is Epsilon afraid of Zeta?
    A. Because Zeta Eta Theta!

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    From: "Dukie Banderjee" <dukie_banderjee@hotmail.com>

My highschool physics teacher, who thought of himself as a very funny punster, was explaining the unit of measure for frequency. He said, "The unit for cycles-per-second is called the Hertz, which is named after a famous scientist who also started a car rental company." The whole class groaned, and I said, "Sir, that was so funny it Hertz."

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    From: rexr@cox-internet.com

    Q. What do you call a Catholic service that is very very important?
    A. Critical Mass.:0

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    From: "Elaine Aylward" <elainealyward@nf.sympatico.ca>

    "If you roll an orange across a table, what physical force brings it to a halt?
    "Pulp Friction!"

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    Special Category: Definitions and terms
    From: Hauke Reddmann <fc3a501@uni-hamburg.de>
                                  Physics Lexicon

    - Anomalous Zeeman Effect: the reaction of Popeye to spinach

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    From: <elizabethblosser@sbcglobal.net>
    What do you call a resistance reliant electric stove built over a gas one?

    Ohm on the range.

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    (I got this from David Brin's story "Ambiguity", but I would not be
    surprised if this is real graffity on the men's room of CERN.)

    "Question: What do you get when you mix a charmed red quark with a strange
    one that's green and a third that's true blue?"

    Underneath were scrawled answers in, in various hands and as many
    languages:
    "I don't know, but to hold them together you'll need a gluon with attitude!"
    "Sounds like what they served in the cafetaria today."
    "Speaking of which, anyone here know the Flavour of Beauty?"
    "Doesn't it depend on who's on Top and who's on the Bottom?"
    "I'm getting a hadron just thinking about it."
    "Hey! What boson thought of this question, anyway?"
    "Yeah, There's a guy who ought to be lepton!"

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    Special Category: quizes and tests to do
    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>

                                   Physics Test

    Test your knowledge of Physics by putting one of the words listed below
    into each blank.

     1. That which replaced the old ton. ____________

     2. "Is it very serious?" "Yes, it is a matter of the utmost _________."

     3. All ____________ and no play makes physicists a dull lot.

     4. "The particle physicist jumped on the bandwagon?" "No, he ____________ it."

     5. Someone in favor of 2000-pound weights is ____________.

     6. "She has an average of 98% in all her Physics courses." "Yes, she  has
    great ____________."

     7. The best way to evaporate water is to ____________ it.

     8. A ____________ is one step greater than a threece.

     9. "Mr. Tate must be taken across this lake by this boat." "You mean  I
    have to ____________ across?"

    10. Billy was sent home from Physics class with ____________ ache.

    11. "I'll help you with quantum field theory if ____________ help me  with thermodynamics."

    12. If you add electrons to a neutral atom, you'll get ____________.

    13. The physicist's favorite Christmas carol is "The Twelve Days of
    Christmas" because of the partridge in ____________ tree.

    14. "Would you like to have dinner with us?" "Yes, I'd be happy to
    ____________ with you."

    15. Researching a family tree is studying ____________.

    16. This piece of wood is not a board, it is a ____________.

    17. ____________ we need is more power.

    18. A cowboy turned physicist likes to sing "____________ on the Range."

    19. A brassiere that measures light intensity is a ____________-bra.

    20. After Mr. Kitt had been knighted, he was called ____________.

    ----------------------------------------

    a) Ampere          f) Circuit          k) Lepton          p) Proton
    b) Anion           g) Dyne             l) Newton          q) Quark
    c) Atomic          h) Force            m) Ohm             r) Relativity
    d) Boyle           i) Gravity          n) Planck          s) Rotate
    e) Candela         j) Joule            o) Potential       t) Watt

    -----------------------------------------

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    Special Category: Heinrich Barkhausen
    From: mathar@mpia-hd.mpg.de (Richard Mathar)

    "Herr Professor, Herr Professor, hoeren Sie sich mal an was ich da gefunden
    habe; ist das nicht phantastisch??"

    "Aber Barkhausen, das hoert sich ja schrecklich an. Mit diesem Geknattere
    werden Sie niemals grosse Spruenge machen."

    Attempt at translation:
    "Professor, Professor, listen to what I just detected... isn't this
    great??"

    "Barkhausen, fellow! That sounds just terrible. With this kind of crackling
    and hissing you'll never make large jumps in your life."

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>

    	As a child I came to America with my family in the darkest days of the
    Great Depression. It was only through the hard struggles of my dear mother
    and father that I was able to receive a fine education in American schools.
    I was awarded a Ph. D. in physics from MIT in the year of 1939, and had
    planned to continue on in a consulting capacity with the school.
    	Good fortune smiled upon me (although I didn't recognize it at the time!)
    and my days at MIT were numbered.
    	One day in the first weeks of the second world war, I received a call from
    my good friend, Richard Feynman. We had met briefly while working at the
    University a few years earlier, and I knew that by the sparkle in Dick's
    voice that there was more to be told than could be uttered over the public
    telephone, especially considering the terrible struggle that this country
    was consumed with. Dick persuaded me to join him in an out of the way
    little town in New Mexico where he was about to start work on what he
    called "a scintillating and phenomenal project."
    	Most Americans have some idea of what happened in and around the town of
    Santa Fe in those days, 45 years ago. At least they think that they have an
    idea. Overall, the common visualization of the scene at Los Alamos is
    correct. The perception of a dedicated and hard working group of
    physicists, engineers, technicians, and craftsmen; all struggling
    inch-by-inch toward a clearly defined and attainable goal.
    	For the most part, this was true. They were all dedicated, hardworking and
    idealistic American patriots.
    	But the goal was not attainable. At least not in the short span of time
    that was available to us. In the preceding months and very short years,
    great strides had been taken in the infantile arena of nuclear physics.
    We knew how the bomb could work, how it should work, and how it might be
    made to operate. All in all, the nuclear theory and the basic concepts of
    detonation were fairly well in hand. The essential special nuclear material
    was being extracted from elemental uranium at Oak Ridge and plutonium was
    being wrought in massive nuclear forges hidden at a secret desert
    laboratory in Washington State. Our goal at Los Alamos was to have the
    mechanisms necessary for detonation of the special nuclear material ready
    as soon as enough material was available.
    	Progress always came as a flash of apparent inspiration, but without fail,
    the credit for these leaps was never given. Quite often, a component or
    mechanism, completely encased and assembled, was tested for functionality
    and installed in the test device. These components and mechanisms were
    rarely, if ever, seen or examined by any of the project team.
    	When questions were asked, and they were asked often at first, the
    ultimate authority of Oppenheimer usually came into play. We were ordered
    to install, and test, not question the internal workings, nor their actual
    source. "TOP SECRET" and "CLASSIFIED" were his two most favorite utterances.
    	Gradually we all came to realize that it was Oppenheimer who was producing
    these mysterious breakthroughs, apparently without any help from the rest
    of the project staff. Now, to the layman and outside observer this may not
    seem to be a bit unusual, since Oppenheimer is popularly credited as being
    the "Father of the Atomic Bomb." In fact, Robert Oppenheimer's forte was
    not as an engineer or a scientist, but as an administrator and as logistician.
    	None of these contributions by Oppenheimer have ever been documented, as
    to details of construction, nor materials of composition. The feeble
    attempts that were actually developed at the lab had absolutely no hope of
    ever producing a functional weapon.
    	Even today, if the actual working details of the first two bombs, Little
    Boy and Fat Man, were to be examined, it would be apparent to an engineer
    or physicist of even modest training and education, that they could not
    have been devised nor fabricated with the technology and the resources
    available at that time. Available, that is, to the people of this planet
    using their own earthly resources.
    	The actual components used in the initial test and in the two dropped in
    August of 1945 had no documentation, no prints, no list of materials, no
    description of their internal workings whatsoever. Those components, and
    the only man who held the secrets to their genuine origins, have been sent
    into oblivion, the bomb components in the conflagration of their own doing,
    and Oppenheimer consumed by the so called cancer that took his life after
    the war.
    	It is no coincidence that many of the UFO incidents and sightings
    recounted in the popular press have occurred in the same general area where
    Robert Oppenheimer frequently wandered on solitary excursions away from the
    labs at Los Alamos. There were more than a few of us at the labs that held
    suspicions of the origins of the finely tooled and perfectly functioning
    devices that appeared in the workshops as the deadlines approached.
    	The devices always functioned exactly as the specifications called for.
    Even in the cases where the specifications that were called for were in
    error, the devices produced them precisely. As soon as tests were run, and
    it was found that our calculations were erroneous, a new or modified device
    would be produced by Oppenheimer, meeting the new performance requirements
    to the letter.
    	Near the end, when we would realize that Oppenheimer was not onsite, work
    would slow to a standstill as we anticipated the delivery of another black
    box of perfection.
    	Dr. Feynman was every bit the maverick and jokester as his reputation
    portrayed him. He could not resist the temptation to dig a bit deeper to
    learn of the source of Oppenheimer's miracles. On one of our regular trips
    into town for a few beers Dick brought up the unspoken but widely whispered
    rumors. Leaving the compound was strictly forbidden, but that made escapes
    to the tavern seem all that more necessary.
    	The tavern that we frequented was one of those places built with the old
    fashioned yellow adobe bricks, peeled pine poles supported the flat,
    sagging roof. There was an open fireplace of soot-blackened smooth adobe on
    one side of the room and on the other was the grease-encrusted cookstove of
    unknown antiquity. The cook was equally greasy and also of an undetermined
    age. The floor was bare planks, the gaping chinks served as the best way
    for the sawdust to filter away as more was added every Friday afternoon.
    The style of the tavern's construction was not nearly as stylish then as it
    would be today. In Santa Fe around 1940 the word nostalgia had not been
    invented yet.
    	As seedy as this palace was, it was about the only place where we could go
    and be fairly certain of not running into any one of authority from the Los
    Alamos compound. In the rare instance when some other errant physicist did
    show up, all concerned usually ignored each other out of a combination of
    courtesy, fear, and embarrassment.
    	On this night however, there was another familiar face from the compound,
    seen fleetingly by the cook through the grimy front window.
    	"Ahyyeee, there he goes again. Always drives by, never stops."
    	Bouncing over the patched strip of asphalt was a government issue jeep
    piloted by a gaunt man in a porkpie hat. His teeth clenched tightly onto a
    long stemmed pipe.
    	Leaving a larger than usual tip in plain sight of the cook coaxed him into
    giving us some information about the schedule of the man in the jeep. It
    turned out that Oppenheimer passed this way every Tuesday and Thursday
    night, at just about 10 PM, like clockwork. Typical of Oppie.
    	That evening, over Chile Rellenos and too many cold beers, a plan of
    discovery and stealth was hatched. The roads from Santa Fe to Los Alamos
    today are not really the best. Then they were an absolute terror --
    especially at night, or in the winter, spring, and even summer. In the fall
    of the year they weren't too good either. The trip back, down one mountain,
    across the Rio Grande, and up another mountain to Los Alamos, gave us ample
    time to formulate a plan of surveillance for our boss.
    	We had so much time that we ended up drinking the six-pack of Tecate that
    served as a passport past the Guard at the west gate. He promised not to
    tell if we tried a little harder on our next trip, and brought him a
    half-pint of scotch. Willie (the guard) said that he needed a little nip
    now and then to keep off the nighttime chills. The town of Los Alamos is up
    in the mountains at an elevation of about 7,500 feet.
    	It just so happened that on the upcoming weekend the whole staff had a
    little time-off. All except Oppenheimer, who claimed that he had to go back
    to Brookhaven Labs for a "special conference."
    	I arranged to get a government Jeep, and Feynman dropped off a half pint
    of Johnnie Walker Red with Willie at the west gate. Dick assured Willie
    that we would be good boys, and that we would bring him another little
    surprise on the return trip.
    	The fall of the year comes early in the high plateaus of New Mexico, and
    even sooner to the mountains surrounding the Los Alamos compound.
    Since Dr. Feynman and I had already established that Oppenheimer routinely
    passed by one of our favorite hangouts, the tavern was a very obvious
    starting point. As a matter of fact, had it not been for that warm watering
    hole I doubt that we would have made it much further on our mission.
    	We left around 6:30 that evening, while Oppenheimer was still in his
    quarters. We had seen him at the motor pool a little earlier when he picked
    up a Jeep of his own. A chat with the mechanic revealed that the boss had
    taken special pains to assure that the gas tank was topped up and that
    there were tire chains in the toolbox.
    	The sun had slipped behind the snow-covered ridge of Santa Clara Peak just
    as we crossed the river and started up the mountain towards Santa Fe. The
    icy crest of Baldy Peak to the east was shining a brilliant orange in the
    fading light. By the time that we had reached the tavern, the sun had long
    since disappeared along with any semblance of warmth in the thin air.
    	I parked our Jeep behind the place, under a Juniper that had kept the
    graveled lot free of last night's snow. Our fingers were nearly frozen
    stiff as we struggled with the canvas top and side curtains of the Jeep.
    Even without a heater, the top would at least cut the wind and keep the
    snow off.
    	Dick had warned me to put it up before we left, but the air had seemed
    plenty warm just a little while ago. I was still unaccustomed to the
    erratic changes of mountain weather. Dick had spent a lot more time
    outdoors since our arrival here. As a matter of fact, I really didn't
    understand why he insisted that we bring our heavy boots and parkas along,
    not to mention the tire chains.
    	I was sopping up the last bits of enchilada sauce with a handmade tortilla
    when Oppie's Jeep putted by. I bolted up and started to grab my parka when
    Dick stuck out his boot and sent me sprawling on the sawdust floor.
    	"Hold it Sam Spade." He chuckled, "We can let him go a while and follow
    his tire tracks. There hasn't been another car along the road since we got
    here. Have another beer. Max, take it easy."
    	"Only if you buy, and the beer is a chaser for a shot of mescal," I
    sputtered through a mouthful of floor sweepings. "you're in charge now Doctor!"
    	The sound of Oppie's Jeep crunching through the crusty snow slowly
    disappeared. The single glowing taillight seemed to go on forever as he
    creeped along the narrowing road.
    	Dick went out to the Jeep and returned with a thick-walled steel vessel
    with a gasketed lid. Without a word of explanation, he had the cook fill it
    up with hot coffee, and headed back out to the Jeep, this time with me in
    close pursuit.
    	Outside, it was colder than I ever imagined possible this early in the
    year. There were a few tiny snowflakes quietly swirling about, illuminated
    by the mellow light from the tavern windows. Coming to rest on the hot
    coffee can, the puny flakes instantly melted and then vanished.
    	Dick popped open the Jeep's hood and jammed the steel can between the
    engine block and the exhaust manifold. He secured the coffee with a long
    steel hose-clamp using a standing liberty quarter for a screwdriver.
    	"Might be a long night Max, but this works every time." He said, with a
    knowing sparkle in his eyes.
    	I decided to keep Willie's half-pint of scotch in my pocket ... just in
    case Dick's home-brew coffee heater failed to keep the chill off.
    	Dick decided to drive ... with the lights off. I was nominated to lean out
    through the side curtain and follow the tracks from Oppie's Jeep by the
    feeble light of a flashlight. I had almost lost the trail in the deepening
    snow when it suddenly veered off to the left.
    	Dick stopped and we both stepped out into the ankle deep fluff. The tracks
    seemed to disappear into a thorny locust thicket. I held the flashlight as
    the Doctor tugged and jerked at the twisted branches to reveal more tracks
    vanishing into the scrub. A faint bluish light was just barely visible
    about 50 yards off the road.
    	We broke out the coffee. It exploded into a boil when Dick opened the lid
    and released the pressure. Luckily we had the scotch to cool it down and
    warm us up. We'd need it.
    	We polished off about half of the coffee. I slipped the can into a large
    pocket on the inside of my government issue parka. I figured that it would
    stay warm longer that way. Besides, so would I.
    	Not knowing quite what we had gotten ourselves into, Dick and I crept
    through the tangles without the benefit of the flashlight. The moon was
    mostly obscured by the clouds, but with the reflection of the snow we made
    our way into the bush.
    	Oppie's Jeep was parked, with the motor idling, next to a weather-beaten
    shack, the door hanging askew on one leather hinge. The one window was
    devoid of glass and had been crudely boarded up with rotten shingles. There
    were more shingles scattered about the yard.
    	Collimated blue light beamed out through ragged gaps in the roof. The hood
    of the Jeep was propped open, and what looked like jumper cables were
    pulled into the shack.
    	Dick sucked in a sudden gulp of the frozen air and I found myself face
    down and spread-eagled for the second time tonight. Dick threw himself down
    beside me as Oppie burst out the rickety door and onto the dirt porch. If
    he hadn't been so intent on his work, the boss would have eyeballed us for sure.
    	The little man was struggling with a shiny metallic object shaped sort of
    like a giant dunce cap. He set the dunce cap on a tripod of thin metal
    rods, and attached a long translucent tube to the base of the cone. Oppie
    was fidgeting around the contraption, apparently making some sort of
    adjustments. Every so often he would move what looked like a light meter
    over the open end of the cone, all the while softly muttering to himself.
    After a final pass of the light meter, he grunted once, and darted back
    into the shack, taking the loose end of the tube with him.
    	I pulled myself out of the snow and helped Dick untangle his parka hood
    from a locust sticker. Not a word was spoken between us before Oppie
    slapped through the door, knocking it loose from the frame. He kicked a
    rock loose from the shack's crumbling foundation and grabbed it with both hands.
    	He poked his head inside the Jeep, jamming the gas pedal to the
    floorboards with the rock. The tiny engine roared for the briefest of
    moments then the RPMs dropped off, the motor lugging down mercilessly. A
    sickly sweet smell of ozone poured over us, along with the unmistakable
    odor of an overheated engine.
    	The dunce cap was generating a field of static electricity so intense that
    pine cones and twigs were being torn loose from a nearby tree and stuck to
    the cone. In a clap of artificial thunder and the frenzied sparking arcing
    and zapping of the machine, a pulsating pillar of brilliant blue light shot
    out from the cone. It seemed to extend forever up into the cosmos.
    	Gazing upward through the spotty cloud cover and up to the stars, it
    looked like there was something, or someone, riding the light beam. It
    looked like a cosmic fireman sliding down an electrified fire pole.
    	It was someone. The alien reached the bottom and hopped down onto the dirt
    near the base of the cone. He turned and slowly looked back up the tower of
    light, nodding in apparent approval.
    	Oppie approached the weird creature, wringing his hands in anticipation.
    "Well?" he asked.
    	"Very nice light beam, Mr. Oppenheimer. BUT I WANTED A BUD LIGHT!!"

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    From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
      A general working on the Manhattan project had great faith in Enrico
    Fermi's work, but it looked as if the other scientists' theory about
    splitting the atom and causing a chain reaction using uranium rather than
    thorium was gaining favor.
      The general, despondent, thought that he would give Fermi one last chance.
    He wrote up a requisition for one more shipment of thorium and passed it on
    to his clerk. Just as he did so, he began to smile rather than pout.
      His clerk asked, "Why the sudden change in mood, sir?"
      The general replied, "That's because I just realized that  I approved
    Fermi's last thorium."

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    From: stan kegel <kegel@fea.net>,  Puns of the weak
    If you broke the law of gravity, would you get a suspended sentence? (Stan
    Kegel)

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    From: Robert Turner (turner@smart.sps.mot.com)

                          Sherlock Ohm's Law

    For those sentences that don't quite make cents or dollars, read
    it aloud.

    From the Boston College Chemical Bulletin from at least 15 years ago.

       Inspector Sherlock Ohms of Standard International Yard was driving
    across the Wheatstone Bridge in his '09 Maxwell, trying to remember
    Ava Gadro's number, so he could call her and data for the Policeman's
    Ball, when suddenly he blew a tire.

       "Oh Nernst!" said Sherlock, "I don't have a tire ion with me, but
    luckily, ammonia short distance from the Ideal Gas Station, run by my
    friend Sol Vent, who at the moment is freon bail."

       Just as Inspector Ohms emerged from the Ideal Gas Station, his tire
    all fixed, a rubber policeman whizzed by him with his Carnot Cycle
    going at full speed.  Ohms knew he was deuteride by, but he wondered
    watt made him rush so.  He shouted atom, but he was gone,  His
    reaction was instantaneous as he whipped out after him.  By radio
    activity, he learned that Mike Rofarad, Recipro City's top-rankine
    rookie, was chasing a suspected joule thief.  Ohms chased him down
    Elect Road, around the Dextro Rotary, back over Salt Bridge and up
    into Farren Heights.  He turned left at the Old Ball Mill, down past
    the Mono-clinic, the Palladium, where there was a mathematical
    convention, and all the way to the liquid junction at the Endothermic
    Street.  They were almost across the city line when Sherlock's car
    swerved, and crashed into a van der Waal.  The Raman effect ruined his
    differential, so he couldn't go beyond the limits in it.  He quickly
    volted out of the wreck, and took up the chase on foot.  He soon came
    across Mike, standing in a magnetic field, holding Ann Hydrate and Al
    Doll at bay.

       "Watts the meaning of this?" queried the inspector, and the Copper
    was quick to explain:

       "Well, Sir, I stopped in at the Invar Bar, a local dyne and dance
    spot, for a couple of quartz of Lambert Beer when I noticed Ann
    Hydrate sitting alone at a two-place log table.  I knew some joule
    thieves had made a radon Ethyl Benzene's country estate, and I spotted
    one of the Benzene rings on her along with a para Ethyl's earrings.
    Anode an explanation of this but before I could torque to her, she was
    into her coat of rust and out the door.  True to the Kopp's Rule, I
    was quick to follow when I saw her get into her Mercury chrome 8.  I
    knew I was infra tough chase.  However, her engine started Fehling
    just beyond the city limits and I caught her.  She had lead me to the
    missing joules and her accomplice, Al Doll, who was about to barium in
    a hollow, common log under the square roots in this deserted magnetic
    field."

       "Son, you'll go on nights for this!" beamed Ohms.  This, in effect,
    was a promotion, for in Recipro City, nitrates are much Mohr than
    those Faraday men.

physics
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    From: "jaybillings19" <jaybillings19@yahoo.com>

    Why do all the other subatomic particles have a love/hate relationship with
    the quarks? Because they are both strange and charming at the same time.

    What is the subatomic particle babe? A gravitron, because she is so
    attractive.

    Where do the subatomic horses graze? Why in the glueonic field of course.

    Did you hear about the unlucky color blind physicist? He flunked quantum
    chromodynamics and then was annihilated by his antimatter self he met
    through a dating service.

physics
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    From: "Harry Farkas" <hfarkas@wowway.com>

                               Another Nobel Effort

    Profesor Miller's colleague, Professor Gonnen Dunnit of the physics
    department, has spent a lifetime pursuing the as-of-yet unreachable goal of
    creating cold fusion in the lab. In his latest effort, he used molecules
    from vegetables to trigger the process on the atomic level.

    During one attempt, it seemed that Professor Dunnit actually achieved his
    goal - the process resulted in a spherical burst of energy. The professor
    wrote it up and submitted it, but no other scientist could duplicate his
    results. The Nobel Prize committee considered his results but dismissed
    Professor Dunnit's efforts, saying he had only created a ball of corn
    fusion.

physics
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    From: Paul Derbyshire (ao950@FreeNet.Carleton.CA)
                                   Quark jokes:

    Q. What do you call a green fractionally charged particle with a half life of
       130 million years?

    A. Jurassic Quark.

    Q. What do you get when you mix a charmed blue quark, a red top quark, and a
       green one that's gone a little strange?

    A. I don't know but I'm getting a hadron just thinking about it.

    Q. What did the alien positronium creatures say when they met the human
       explorer?

    A. Well he's nice and I liked him but he has a few quarks.

    Q. What did human explorers say about the alien creatures they found living
       on a superdense quark star that was made of charm quarks and their
       counterparts?

    A. Well, they seemed nice and all but some of them were a little strange.

physics
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    From: stan kegel <kegel@fea.net>,  Puns of the weak
    Special Category: Archimedes
    When Archimedes got up out of the bath and noticed how much water had
    spilled out of the tub, he said, "I've got to get out of displace!"
     (Gary Hallack)

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 2. physics - general
- 2.1 physics poetry
- 2.2 physics quotes
- 2.3 physics puns
- 2.4 pseudo physics (cat physics, cartoon physics)
- 2.5 new physical theories
- 2.6 learning physics
- 2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots)
- 2.8 physical proofs
- 2.9 physical one-liners
- 2.10 quantum mechanics (starring Schroedingers cat!)
- 2.11 relativity
- 2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer
- 2.13 physicists
- 2.14 astronomy
- 2.15 electrons
- 2.16 electro-magnetism and light
- 2.17 Newtons's laws and classical dynamics
- 2.18 thermodynamics
- 2.19 in the lab
- 2.20 strange but real findings
- 2.21 the buttered bread on cat problem

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