## 8. ACADEMIC LIFE

#### Subsections

- 8. academic life - general
- 8.1 rules for research
- 8.2 rules for writing an article
- 8.3 academic life poetry
- 8.4 research quotes
- 8.5 publish and explanation quotes
- 8.6 In the classroom
- 8.7 graduate students
- 8.8 exams
- 8.9 love life
- 8.10 students
- 8.11 staff
- 8.12 remarkable academic institutes

### 8.10 STUDENTS

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

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    From: gould@pilot.njin.net (Brian Jay Gould)

                             COLLEGE REJECTION LETTER

    I wrote this letter many years ago:

    Pennsylvania State University Admissions
    Address

    Dear Sir,

    I have received your acceptance for admission, and I regret
    to inform you that I will not be attending your university in
    coming years.

    As a senior in high school, I have applied to many other fine
    institutions to further my education. And, although yours
    ranks high among them, I'm afraid that you failed to qualify.

    Elimination under my system doesn't mean that you are not
    qualified to educate other fine young men and women.  It
    merely reflects the high caliber of colleges and universities
    competing for my acceptance.

    My best wishes for your future.

                              Sincerely,

                               Brian Jay Gould

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    From: "Cerberus - Dog Of Hell" <cerberusNO@SPAMmystacy.fsnet.co.uk>
                  Before I Came To College I Wish I Had Known..."

    That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my
    first class, I'd sleep right through it.

    That I could change so much and barely realize
    it.

    That you can love a lot of people in a lot of
    different ways.

    That college kids throw airplanes too.

    That if you wear polyester everyone will ask you
    why you're so dressed up.

    That every clock on campus shows a different time.

    That if you were smart in high school--so what?
    (really?)

    That I would go to a party the night before a
    final.

    That chem labs require more time than all my
    classes put together.

    That you can know everything and fail a test.
    That you can know nothing and ace a test.

    That I could get used to almost anything I found
    out about my roommate.

    That home is a great place to visit.

    That most of my education would be obtained outside
    of my classes.

    That friendship is more than getting drunk together.

    That I would be one of those people my parents
    warned me about.

    That free food served until 10:00 is gone by 9:50.

    That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.

    That when someone wants to 'borrow' something, they
    mean that they want to keep it forever.

    That Psychology is really Biology,
    That Biology is really Chemistry,
    That Chemistry is really Physics,
    And Physics is really Math.

    That my parents would become so much smarter in the
    last few years.

    That it's possible to be alone even when you are
    surrounded by friends.

    That friends are what makes this place worthwhile!!

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    From: Peter Fritz <p@fritz.as>
                                A Daughter's Letter

    Dear Mother and Dad,

    It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
    in writing and I am very sorry for the thoughtlessness in not having
    written before. I will bring you up-to-date now, but before you read on,
    please sit down. You are not going to read any further unless you are
    sitting down. Okay?

    Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
    concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
    caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only
    spent two weeks in the hospital, and now I can see almost normally and only
    get those sick headaches one a day.

    Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
    attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called
    the Fire Department and the ambulance.

    He also visited me in the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because
    of the burnt out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his
    apartment with him. Its really a basement room, but its kind of cute. He is
    a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get
    married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my
    pregnancy begins to show.

    Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
    to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
    same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.

    The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some
    minor infection which prevents us from passing the pre-marital blood test
    and I carelessly caught it from him. This will clear up with the penicillin
    injections I am now taking daily. I know you will welcome him into the
    family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is
    ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I
    know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by
    the fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure
    that you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am
    told that his father is an important engineer for the sanitation department
    he works for.  Although they say he runs his office from his truck.

    Now that I have brought you up-to-date, folks, I want to tell you that
    there was NO dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull
    fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I
    do not have syphilis, and there is no schwartze in my life. However, I am
    getting a "D" in history and an "F" in science, and I wanted you to see
    those marks in the proper perspective.

    Your loving daughter, ...

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    From laird@cs.byu.edu Sat Apr 04 02:30:02 1998
    Special Category: Top Reasons
    Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college
    students

    10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
     9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and
        written in a large font.
     8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
     7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria
        food.
     6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
     5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
     4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
     3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes
     2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years:  They
        didn't want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.
     1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
        seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due
        and then pulled an all-nighter.

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    From: Nancy Carson <JMFS19A@prodigy.com>
    PSALM OF THE TWENTY-THIRD YEAR

    Dr. [     ] is my professor.
    I shall not pass.
    He maketh me to exhibit mine ignorance before the whole
        class.
    He telleth me more than I can write.
    He lowreth mine grades.
    Yea, though I walk through the corridors of knowledge,
        I do not learn.
    He tryeth to teach me.
    He writeth equations before me in hopes that I will
        understand them.
    He bombardeth my head with integrations.
    My calculator freezeth up.
    Surely enthalpies and entropies shall follow me all the
        days of my life
    And I shall dwell in the School of Engineering forever.

    Found in the Colorado Engineer magazine, author unknown

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                              The Student's Psalm 23
                                  (anonymous)

    The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not flunk;
    	He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying.
    He leadeth me beside the water cooler for a study break;
    	He restores my faith in study guides.
    He leads me to better study habits
    	For my grades' sake.
    Yea, tho' I walk through the valley of borderline grades,
    	I will not have a nervous breakdown;
    For Thou art with me;
    	My prayers and my friends, they comfort me.
    Thou givest me the answers in moments of blankness;
    Thou anointest my head with understanding,
    	My test paper runneth over with questions I recognize.
    Surely passing grades and flying colors shall follow me
    	All the days of examinations;
    And I shall not have to dwell in this university
    	Forever!
    Amen!

       ////////\\\\         ////\\\\\\\
    ||||||||||||||||\\   //|||||||||   |||
        \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\|//////////////////
         \\\\\\\\\\\\\\|///////////////                in
            \\\\\\\\\\\|//////////
                    \\\|///
                      \|/

                     |||||              Because:
                     |||||              (for those of you stressing out, etc..)
       ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| God heals the brokenhearted
                     |||||               and bandages their wounds.
                     |||||
                     |||||                                        Psalm 147:3
                     |||||
                     |||||

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    From: strange@cats.ucsc.edu

      This is something I wrote a few months back which has been making
    the rounds at UCSC. It's very long, and my not be suitable for posting
    on the net because of that. But it's funny, I think.. anyhow, here it is.

    ***************************

    You are in your dorm room. Your roommate is playing Jello
    Biafra. The cups on the desk are shattering.
    There is an unfinished lab book here.
    There is a chemistry book here.
    There are socks here.
    There are empty beer bottles here.
    There is a computer here.
    There are six moldy bananas here.
    There are several tons of dirty laundry here.
    There are shattering cups here.
    There is a refrigerator here.
    There is a desk with drawers here.

    > turn off music
      Your roommate makes discouraged sounds. The cups stop shattering.
    > play beach boys
      Your roommate throws a hammer into your stereo. You now have no
    stereo. Your I.Q. Decreases by 10 points.
    > fix stereo
      The stereo is shattered beyond repair.
    > curse stereo
      "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your erogenous zones!"
    The stereo is fixed. The sheer quantity of dirty socks in this room
    is making it hard to move.
    > look at socks
      They are very smelly. It is getting harder and harder to move.
    > clean up socks.
      You can't. They're all welded together.
    > throw socks out window
      They soar out the window with the greatest of ease, hit the
    ground, and shatter.
    > leave room
      24 hour Dave enters, fiending for weed. He blocks your exit.
    > kick dave
      Dave doesn't seem to notice.
    > yell at dave
      Dave doesn't seem to notice.
    > feed dave
      Dave thankfully gobbles your food and asks if there is any more.
    > eat dave's head
      You start chewing on dave's head. Dave doesn't seem to notice.
    Your I.Q. goes up forty points. You now understand chapter four of
    your chemistry assignment. Dave is still here.
    > work on lab book
      You don't have the lab book.
    > pick up lab book
      It is very heavy. You are carrying too much.
    > inventory
      You are carrying:
    A +10 cut-offs of tumescence
    A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die
    A +2 elven sneakers of silence
    A swiss army knife
    A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it.
    A very large ring of Keys.
    A (much too small) bag of weed.
    A package +3 papers of zig-zag.

    > look papers
      The papers are blank.
    > drop keys
      You load lightens considerably.
    > pick up lab book
      You struggle under the load, but prevail in the end.
    > do chemistry lab
      You have no calculator. Dave grabs the lab book from you and does
    the lab. You are thirsty.
    > open refrigerator
      A considerable amount of cheap beer is revealed.
    > drink cheap beer
      You have an instant hangover. You can't stand up. Dave mutters
    something about being left out.
    > kick dave
      Dave doesn't seem to notice.
    > offer beer to dave
      Dave is drunk. Dave mutters something about being back and
    leaves.
    > leave room
      You can't. You're suffering from a hangover.
    > open desk
      There is some aspirin here.
    > eat aspirin
      YUCK! You munch it up. You begin to feel better.
    > leave room
      The door locks behind you. You are in a north-south hall. There
    are several doors here, some marked with magazine clippings.
    > unlock door
      You can't. Your keys are in the room.
    > open doors
      You open the nearest door without knocking. Charles and Anna are
    here. Dave is here. There are clothes on the floor. There are no
    clothes on Charles and Anna. You get the feeling you should leave.
    > leave room
      As you are leaving, Dave mutters something about Birkenstocks.
    You are back in the hall. You are hungry.
    > south
      You come to a lounge.
      There is a door here.
      There are two chairs here.
      There is a desk here.
      Tony is here, studying chemistry.
    > greet tony
      Tony says, "Hey, bro! How's it goin'? Nice suit."
    > commiserate with tony
      Tony says, "I'm really stressing hard on this test, bro." You are
    still hungry.
    > open door
      There are stairs down to the west. There are stairs up to the
    west. There is a walkway to the south.
    > down
      There is an east-west ramp here. There are some people here. They
    comment loudly on your nudity.
    > west
      You are in a quad. There is a picnic table here. The door to the
    cafeteria is to the north.
    > north
      They don't let naked people into the cafeteria. You are forcibly
    ejected.
    > inventory
      You are carrying:
    A +10 cut-offs of tumescence
    A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die
    A +2 elven sneakers of silence
    A swiss army knife
    A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it.
    An (even smaller) bag of weed.
    A package of blank +3 papers of zig-zag.

    > wear shirt
      You are resplendent in your +3 tee-shirt of tie die.
    > wear shorts
      You are now a bulging wonder.
    > north
      You are in a room full of simulated food.
    > eat food
      You aren't even vaguely hungry. In fact, the concept of
    introducing this swill into your system is bletcherous.
    > south
      You are in a quad.
    > smoke weed
      You now have the munchies. Your subjective I.Q. increases by 10
    points. You have a revelation involving the cosmic significance of
    Spam.
    > north
      You are in a room full of an infinite amount of delectable
    munchables.
    > eat food
      You need a tray first.
    > get tray
      You now have the Tray of Cafeteria Browninan Motion.
    > eat food
      You serve yourself a generous portion of cafeteria yumness. You
    take a seat and begin shoveling it into your face. After two bites
    you are full. You have food poisoning.
    > leave
      You can't. The cafeteria is cursed. You still have food
    poisoning.
    > search cafeteria
      You find half a bottle of Everclear stashed in the salad bar.
    > drink bottle
      Wouldn't you prefer something safer? Like cutting a pre-
    enrollment line?
    > take small sip
      A small sip is probably sufficient to kill all the residents of
    Hong Kong and render it uninhabitable until the lease runs out.
    > take small small sip
      You feel the potent brew coursing down your digestive tract,
    killing everything in its path. You no longer have food poisoning.
    You pass out. After two hours, you wake up.
      You are in a quad.
    > west
      You are in no shape to move. You attempt to sit up, and the world
    does a tap dance on your face.
    > wait
      Time passes....
    > wait
      Time passes....
    > wait
      Time passes..... The world slows to a waltz.
    > west
      There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path.
    > kick lesbian
      She enjoys it. She points out that you are a fascist sexist
    bastard.
    > wait
      The lesbian launches into a discourse on the oppressive
    patriarchal system.
    > smell lesbian
      Don't do that.
    > pull leg hairs
      You have been kicked in the balls. You pass out. You lose 5 I.Q.
    points.
      You wake up numb from the waist down.
      You are in a quad.
    > west
      There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path.
    > bash male sex
      The militant lesbian smiles, calls you a sister, and walks off.
    > west
      This is a gentle downhill slope. There is a meadow to the west.
    The path forks here. There is a path to the northwest. There is a
    path to the southwest.
    > southwest
      You arrive at the mailhouse.
    > look in mailbox
      There are six thousand freshmen kneeling at the bottom row of
    boxes. Some are wearing short skirts, but that's slim consolation.
    > wait
      Time passes....
    > wait
      Time passes....  A space opens up in front of your box.
    > look in box
      The space is grabbed faster than you can move. You need split-
    second reflexes.
    > wait
      Time passes....
    > wait
      Time passes....  A space opens up in front of your box.
    > lunge
      You get your spot.
    > look in box
      It's packed to the bursting point.
    > open box
      You goof up.
    > again
      You goof up.
    > again
      You finally manage to open the box. Inside there are eight flyers
    for college events that happened three weeks ago. A ninth is
    current - an invitation to play croquet with the provost. You
    decline and roundfile the sheaf. There is a package notice here.
    There is a letter here.
    > read letter
      You open the letter. It is a long steamy graphic explicit love
    letter... from a total stranger.
    > check address
      Both the package notice and the opened letter are for your
    boxmate. They are postdated three months ago. You have been
    airboxed.
    > north
      You are hemmed in by 1000 dorm androids sans brassieres trying to
    get to their boxes.
    > howl
      Your howling causes the androids to stare at the sky in
    confusion, giving you time to make your escape.
    > north
      You exit stage left, kicking several fembots in the shins as you
    pass. The bit of abuse you inflict causes several of the fembots to
    follow you, hoping for more.
      There is a very small grove of trees to the east.
    > east
      You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > north
      You are in a grove of trees, some slightly smaller than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > west
      You are in a grove of trees, some slightly bigger than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > north
      You are in a grove of trees, some slightly leafier than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > southeast
      You are in a grove of trees, some slightly greener than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > east
      You are in a grove of trees, some slightly darker than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > south
      You are in a grove of trees, some slightly moister than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > west
      You are in a grove of trees, some slightly creepier than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > south
      You are in a grove of trees, some slightly older than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > west
      You are in a grove of trees, some slightly browner than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > north
      You are in a grove of trees, some slightly odoriferous than
    others. There are some fembots here.
    > west
      You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > west
      You are standing in the quad again. The smell of sweat socks
    fills the air. The cafeteria is preparing dinner.
    There are some fembots here.
    There are some shattered sweat socks here.
    There is a small red bottle that says "Drink Me!" here.
    There is a book of matches here.
    There is a lamp post here. There is a notice pinned to the
    lamppost.
    > Get matches.
    Taken.
    > burn notice
      Don't you want to see what it says first?
    > burn notice
      There are many trees nearby.
    > burn notice godammit
      You must first light a match.
    > light match
      The match refuses to burn.
    > drop match
      You violate the ecological pristiness of the area by dropping a
    filthy, unnatural, manmade piece of trash on the ground. One of the
    fembots gets offended and leaves to organize a protest.
    > light second match
      The second match bursts into flame.
    > burn notice
      The notice burns with a pleasant green flame.
    > get bottle
      You take the bottle that says "Drink Me!"
    > north
      You walk to a deserted area between two buildings. There is a
    north-south path here.
    There are some fembots here.
    There are some protesters here.
    Your fingers are getting warm.
    > north
      You walk north. The path winds around to the east. There is a
    building to the north.
      There are some fembots here.
      There is some chanting coming from the south.
      Your fingers are burning.
    > Drop match
      You drop the match on the ground. Your fingers continue to burn.
    > Suck on fingers
      The fembots are offended by the sexual symbolism and leave.
      The fire is extinguished. Your fingers are throbbing now.
      There is a match burning on the ground.
    > step on match
      You step on the match, burning the bottom of your foot in the
    process. You should remember to wear shoes more often.
      There is a burnt-out match sitting on the ground.
    > wear shoes
      You move very quietly now.
    > north
      You smack your head into the building. The building does not
    move.
      Your I.Q. drops by 10 points. You no longer grok spam.
    > east
      You enter the Merrill academic building. You are in a North-South
    hallway. There is a door to the East. Exit is to the West.
    > east
      You enter a quiet classroom. The students, who had apparently
    been taking an exam, look up at you angrily. The professor glares
    at you angrily. The students return to their frantic efforts. The
    professor, who looks vaguely familiar, continues to glare. You
    suddenly realize that this is your calculus class, which you have
    not attended in three weeks.
    > sit
      You find an empty desk. The chair squeaks as you seat yourself,
    causing the student next to you to give you a grimace that would
    make a good Butthole Surfers album cover. The professor brings you
    a copy of the midterm.
    > look test
      You look at the test. The problems on the first page are
    impossible. The material on the following eight pages is worse.
    Test stress causes your I.Q. to drop 100 points.
    > do test
      This is impossible, as you have neither pencil nor calculator.
    You realize that failing this exam means failing the course.
    > borrow pencil
      Your neighbor growls angrily as soon as you start to vocalize
    your request.
    > steal pencil
      You steal the extra pencil from your neighbor's desk. He does not
    notice.
    > do test
      You start to work on the first problem, even though you have only
    a vague understanding of how to solve it. The pencil hurts your
    charred fingers. Beads of sweat form on your forehead as you
    scratch out calculations that would normally be done on a
    calculator. You reach an answer that could not possibly be correct.
    > do second problem
      Just reading the second problem severely stresses your mental
    resources. You suffer a brain embolism.
    > do problem
      You begin calculations on the second problem. Sweat begins to
    trickle from your face and armpits. You begin to stink. The trickle
    of sweat turns into a raging torrent. Your brain seizes. You cannot
    move.
    > wait
      Time passes...
    > wait
      Time passes...
    > wait
      Time passes. You can move now.
    > smoke test
      Do you really want to do that?
    > smoke test
      As you inhale the xeroxed papyrus, you feel the knowledge of the
    ancients seeping into your mind. You come to a complete
    understanding of the material, but you no longer have anything to
    turn in.
    > write answers
      What do you want to write the answers on?
    > paper
      You start scribbling the solutions to the problems on the blank
    papers of zig-zag. Just as you write the last answer, the teacher
    collects the exams, staples them together, and leaves. You have
    truly smoked this test.
    > east
      You are in a north-south hallway. There is a door to the east.
    > north
      You stumble down the hallway in a northerly direction. Smacking
    into the door at the end and popping it open. You trip over your
    untied shoelaces and fall through the doorway. The door slams shut
    behind you.
    > Tie shoelaces
      You tie your shoelaces into a very tight knot. Your shoes can now
    only be removed by surgery.

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    From rv@fore.com
    These are not mine.  I couldn't locate the author.  But they are quite
    funny.  So, here they are:

    The letter to dad:

                ------------------------------------------------

    Dear Dad,

    $chool i$ really great.  I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
    hard.  With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o
    if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
    from you.
    Love,
    Your $on.

    The Reply:

                ------------------------------------------------

    Dear Son,

    I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
    even an hoNOr student busy.  Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
    kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
    Love,
    Dad

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    From: hjiwa@nor.chevron.com
    Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
    Seniors:  Are never out of bed before noon.

    Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
    Seniors:  Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.

    Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
    Seniors:  Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation
              class.

    Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor."
    Seniors:  Calls the professor "Bob."

    Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
    Seniors:  Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away.

    Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
    Seniors:  Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

    Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
    Seniors:  Knows where the next class is.  Maybe...

    Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
    Seniors:  Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop
              tarts in hand.

    Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
    Seniors:  Has 'own' personal workstation.

    Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
    Seniors:  Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street.

    Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
    Seniors:  Worry about the last GRE essay.

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    From: "*G - P*" <G*P@G*P.Com>

                            TIPS FOR SURVIVING COLLEGE

    * Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.

    * Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of your life.

    * Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and games until
    someone loses their 'nads.

    * Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.

    * Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative "home
    pharmaceuticals" business.

    * If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.

    * Boring lecture? Start a wave!

    * College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle
    dinner.

    * "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.

    * Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.

    * Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page
    senior essay.

    * Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.

    * Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of it as
    "acing Biology."

    * In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast
    cereal.

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    From: "*G - P*" <G*P@G*P.Com>

                              HIGH SCHOOL VS. COLLEGE

    * In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.

    * No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be
    provided at an event before students will come.

    * In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on
    both.

    * In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the
    teacher's guide.

    * In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.

    * In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to
    live with your friends.

    * In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.

    * Only nerds e-mailed in high school. Cool kids hadn't heard of it.

    * In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to
    choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the
    prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.

    * In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of
    it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.

    * In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college,
    by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.

    * In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than
    your high school final exams ever did.

    * In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back.
    In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.

    * In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys
    hit on freshman girls.

    * In college, weekends start on Thursday.

    * In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of
    the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will
    be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.

    * Once you've obtained the information described in #10, it's much more
    time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she
    will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."

    * In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.

    * In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.

    * In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.

    * College men are cuter than high school boys.

    * College women are legal.

    * In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a note
    from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day.

    * In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In
    college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.

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    From: "*G - P*" <G*P@G*P.Com>
    Special Category: Definitions and terms
    Optimist: A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money.

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    Special Category: Definitions and terms

    From: Naughtelicious@webtv.net (£¡Ç¡Øµ§)

                      Definitions From The College Dictionary

    Cafeteria:
    From 2 Latin words, "cafe" meaning place to eat and "teria" meaning to
    wretch.

    Major:
    Area of study that no longer interests you.

    Student Athlete:
    See "contraction in terms."

    Grade:
    Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment.

    Summer School:
    A viable alternative to a summer job.

    Quarter:
    The most coveted form of currency on campus.

    Hunger:
    Condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying.

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    From: "Capt. Spastic" <captspastic@austin.rr.com>
    Special Category: Top Reasons

     Top 10 Reasons College Students Are Looking Forward to Thanksgiving Break

    10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than
    a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.

    9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and
    stuffing with an ice cream scooper.

    8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.

    7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to
    the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat
    with toilet paper.

    6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car,
    bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell... OK, even if it is for
    only four days.

    5. To eat your meals the only trek you'll have to make is
    from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the
    dining hall...in below freezing weather.

    4. Instead of listening to "when I first started teaching
    here..." you can be entertained by "when your mother was your
    age..." and "during the Depression we weren't lucky enough to
    have brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the
    sprout!"

    3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than
    popped in your microwave

    2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

    1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

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    From: ouroborous@z.pl Lukasz Kiczko [Poland]

    The three biggest lies of a student:
    1. Tomorrow I start learning.
    2. Tomorrow I stop drinking.
    3. Thank you, I'm not really hungry.

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    From: "*G * P*" <G*P@G*P.Com>
                  MODEL LETTER TO PARENTS FROM A COLLEGE STUDENT

    Dear Parent(s), Date: ______________

    I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of
    interest to both of us.

    Please send:

    __ Money (Cash)! Amount: _________________________
    __ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ___________
    __ Clean clothes!

    Relationships:

    __ What?
    __ I am in love with myself
    __ I am in love!
    __ I am engaged
    __ I got married last weekend

    My Roommate:

    __ Worships the ground I walk on
    __ Gave me a black eye
    __ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
    __ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed ???
    __ Has fleas

    My Professors are:

    __ Sadistic water walkers
    __ Mental institution escapees
    __ Brain dead nerds
    __ Super oxygen thieves

    Latest News:

    __ I wrecked the car
    __ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
    __ You are going to have a grandchild
    __ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild

    Food:

    __ Is great!
    __ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
    __ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals

    Health:

    __ I have gained _____ pounds
    __ My roommate is in the hospital with meningitis
    __ My HIV test was: _____ positive _____ negative (check only one)
    __ I died yesterday!

    Grades:

    __ I am making all A's
    __ I am not being properly challenged
    __ I will be home after this semester

    I study:

    __ Night and day
    __ All the time
    __ 80 hours a week
    __ Only on Sunday afternoon
    __ None of the above

    Daily Devotions:

    __ I read my Bible everyday
    __ I can't read
    __ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars

    On my last visit home, I left:

    __ My glasses
    __ My paper that was due yesterday
    __ The clothes you washed for me
    __ My (girlfriend's) birth control pills
    __ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
    __ Other _____________________________________________

    Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue)

    Laundry:

    __ My white underwear is now _________________
    __ I am saving money by not using detergent
    __ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
    __ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains

    My room:

    __ Can pass your "white glove" test
    __ Is only _____% full
    __ Could not be located last Saturday night
    __ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training

    Parties:

    __ I don't inhale
    __ I only go to meet people
    __ Haven't been to one since this morning

    Hope you:

    __ Miss me
    __ Can live without me
    __ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence

    Salutation:

    __ Your Daughter,
    __ Your Son,
    __ Yours,

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    Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
    Note: Witnesses are not required for your mark ("X").

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 8. academic life - general
- 8.1 rules for research
- 8.2 rules for writing an article
- 8.3 academic life poetry
- 8.4 research quotes
- 8.5 publish and explanation quotes
- 8.6 In the classroom
- 8.7 graduate students
- 8.8 exams
- 8.9 love life
- 8.10 students
- 8.11 staff
- 8.12 remarkable academic institutes

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