## 6. THE MATHEMATICIAN, THE PHYSICIST AND THE ENGINEER (AND OTHERS)

#### Subsections

- 6. the mathematician, the physicist and the engineer (and others) - general
- 6.1 the locked room and the tin can
- 6.2 fire

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous page

mathematics physics engineering
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    jwest@jwest.ecen.okstate.edu:
    A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber
    ball and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured
    the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.  The physicist filled a
    beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total
    displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in
    his red-rubber-ball table.

    If it was my company:  The engineer tried to look up the model and serial
    numbers, couldn't find them, so told his manager that it's just not going
    to work.

mathematics physics engineering
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    So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting
    together.  They spy a deer(*) in the woods.

    The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of
    gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires.  Alas, he misses; the
    bullet passes three feet behind the deer.  The deer bolts some yards,
    but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio.

    "Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an
    ordinary gun, one would expect that."  He then levels his special
    deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a
    sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which
    don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires.  Alas, his bullet
    passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and
    vanishes for good.

    "Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either."

    "What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician.  "Between the two of
    you, that was a perfect shot!"

    (*) How they knew it was a deer:

    The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it
    must be a deer.

    The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it
    to a previously solved problem.

    The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.

mathematics physics
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    A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
    The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
    beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
    The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair.  Every
    five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its
    current location and the woman on the bed."  The mathematician looks
    at the psychologist in disgust.  "What? I'm not going to go through
    this.  You know I'll never reach the bed!"  And he gets up and storms
    out.  The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the
    physicist in.  He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes
    light up and he starts drooling.  The psychologist is a bit confused.
    "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?"  The physicist smiles
    and replied, "Of course!  But I'll get close enough for all practical
    purposes!"

mathematics engineering
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    From: LJGOLD01@ulkyvm.louisville.edu
    A businessman needed to employ a quantitative type person.
    He wasn't sure if he should get a mathematician, an engineer,
    or an applied mathematician.  As it happened, all the
    applicants were male.  The businessman devised a test.
    The mathematician came first.  Miss How, the administrative
    assistant took him into the hall.  At the end of the hall,
    lounging on a couch, was a beautiful woman.  Miss How said,
    "You may only go half the distance at a time.  When you
    reach the end, you may kiss our model."
    The mathematician explained how he would never get there in
    a finite number of iterations and politely excused himself.
    Then came the engineer.  He quickly bounded halfway down the
    hall, then halfway again, and so on.  Soon he declared he was
    well within accepted error tolerance and grabbed the beautiful
    woman and kissed her.
    Finally it was the applied mathematician's turn.  Miss How
    explained the rules.  The applied mathematician listened
    politely, then grabbed Miss How and gave her a big smooch.
    "What was that about?" she cried.
    "Well, you see I'm an applied mathematician.  If I can't
    solve the problem, I change it!"

physics engineering computer science
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    From: pascual@tid.es (Pascual de Juan Nuqez)

    Three men, a physican, a engineer and a computer scientist, are
    travelling in a car. Suddenly, the car starts to smoke and stops.
    The three atonished men try to solve the problem:

    - Physican says: This is obviously a classic problem of torque.

                      It has been overloaded the elasticity limit of
                      the main axis.

    - Engineer says : Let's be serious! The matter is that it has been
                      burned the spark of the connecting rod to the dynamo
                      of the radiator. I can easily repair it by hammering.

    - Computer scientist says : What if we get off the car, wait a minute,
                      and then get in and try again?

engineering computer science
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    From: Dave Murray <u01dagm@abdn.ac.uk>
    There are comp sci student, an engineering student and a meterology student
    going through the desert in a jeep.
    Suddenly the jeep stops and they're left sitting there wondering what
    happened..

    The Eng student pipes up,
     " must be the fan belt thats broken..the engine has overheated...so we'll just
    have to wait till it cools down, bodge the fan belt and we'll be fine."

    The meterology replies,
    "naw, it's not that...its just the ambient heat in this place. It's not
    allowing the engine to breath correctly...we just have to wait till night
    time.."

    The comp sci student thinks about this for a minute then says,
    "yeah, you might be right, but I've got an idea....What say we all get
    out..then get back in again?"

mathematics engineering computer science
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    An engineer, a mathematician, and a computer programmer are driving
    down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire.  The engineer
    says that they should buy a new car.  The mathematician says they
    should sell the old tire and buy a new one.  The computer programmer
    says they should drive the car around the block and see if the tire
    fixes itself.

mathematics biology computer science
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    A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are
    on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their
    jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their binoculars.

    The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle:
    a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!"

    The statistician:
    "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra"

    The mathematician:
    "Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side"

    The computer scientist:
    "Oh no! A special case!"

mathematics physics computer science
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    A philosopher, a physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist were
    travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the
    window of the train.

    "Aha," says the philosopher, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

    "Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are
    black."

    "No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least
    one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is
    black!"

    "Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!"

            Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were travelling on the same train
    when they passed the same field full of sheep.

            "Look at that solitary black sheep among all those white ones" said
    Watson to Holmes.
            "Yes Watson, the ratio of black sheep to white in that field is
    one black to three hundred and seventeen white" replied Holmes.

            "But how can you be so precise" said Watson, flabbergasted.

            "Elementary, my dear Watson" replied Holmes, "I counted all of the
    legs and divided by four!"

mathematics physics engineering
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    A mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are being interviewed for a
    job.  In each case, the interview goes along famously until the last
    question is asked: "How much is one plus one?"

    Each of them suspects a trap, and is hesitant to answer.

    The mathematician thinks for a moment, and says "I'm not sure, but
    I think it converges".

    The physicist says "I'm not sure, but I think it's on the order of one"

    The engineer gets up, closes the door to the office, and says "How much
    do you want it to be?".

mathematics
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    A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative
    merits of having a wife or a mistress.

    The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife
    and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

    The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
    security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

    The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so
    that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress
    thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics.

mathematics physics biology
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    A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe
    watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side
    of the street.

    First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
    After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

    The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
    The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
    The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be
    empty again."

mathematics engineering
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    There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living.  They
    went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem
    solving skills.

    He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty.  He put each man in a
    room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table.  He said
    "Boil the water".  Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove
    and turned on the burner to boil the water.  Next, he put them into a
    room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor.  Again,
    he said "Boil the water".  The first man put the pot on the stove and
    turned on the burner.  The counselor told him to be an Engineer,
    because he could solve each problem individually.  The second man
    moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from
    the table to the stove and turned on the burner.  The counselor told
    him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a
    previously solved problem.

engineering
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    Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
    designers of the human body.

    One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all the joints.''

    Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer.  The nervous system has
    many thousands of electrical connections.''

    The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer.  Who else would run a
    toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''

mathematics physics engineering
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    An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture
    with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest
    possible amount of fence. The engineer is first.  He herds the sheep
    into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A
    circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
    best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of
    infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around
    the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around
    the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little
    thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I
    define myself to be on the outside!"

mathematics physics engineering
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    One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician
    and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least
    amount of fence.  The engineer made the fence in a circle and
    proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.  The physicist made
    a long, straight line and proclaimed 'We can assume the length is
    infinite...' and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was
    certainly a more efficient way to do it.  The Mathematician just
    laughed at them.  He built a tiny fence around himself and said 'I
    declare myself to be on the outside.'

chemistry engineering
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    Four men were sitting one day discussing how smart their dog's were.
    The first man was an Engineer, who said his dog could do math.  His dog
    was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square,
    a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

    The Accountant said that his dog was better.  His dog, Slide Rule, was
    told to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into
    piles of 3, which Slide Rule did with no problem.

    The Chemist said his dog was smarter, his dog named Measure, was told to
    get a quart of milk, and pour 7 ounces into a 10 ounce glass.  The dog
    did this with no trouble at all, and all three men agreed that their
    dog's were equally smart.

    Then they turned to the Union Member and asked, what can your dog do?
    The Union Member called his dog, who was named Coffee Break, and said,
    "Show the fellows what you can do".

    Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the
    paper, fucked the other dogs, and claimed he injured his back while
    doing so, filed a grievence report for unsafe working conditions, put in
    for Workmens Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.

mathematics physics
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    A mathematician and a physicist are given the task of describing a room.
    They both go in, and spend hours meticulously writing down every detail,
    each turning in nearly a ream of paper. The next day, the room is changed,
    and they are again given the task. The physicist spends the better part
    of the day, but the mathematician, amazingly enough, leaves within a
    minute. he hands in a single sheet of paper with the following
    description:
            Put picture back on wall to return to previously solved state.

mathematics engineering
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    To tell a difference between a mathematician and an engineer, perform
    this experiment.  Put an empty kettle in the middle of the kitchen
    floor and tell your subjects to boil some water.

    The engineer will fill the kettle with water, put it on the stove, and
    turn the flame on.  The mathematician will do the same thing.

    Next, put the kettle already filled with water on the stove, and ask
    the subjects to boil the water.  The engineer will turn the flame on.
    The mathematician will empty the kettle and put it in the middle of
    the kitchen floor... thereby reducing the problem to one that has
    already been solved!

mathematics physics engineering
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    A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a
    Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical
    processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even
    higher.  The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E
    is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled.  By the end
    the E has a terrible headache.  At the end, the M comments about the
    wonderful lecture.  The E says "How do you understand this stuff?"
    M: "I just visualize the process."
    E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in
    9-dimensional space?"
    M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."

mathematics physics engineering
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    When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:

    A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.

    A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.

    An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.

mathematics physics engineering
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    From:         "Frank Kosanke" <digger@htb.de>
    (Blame translation from German on Joachim)
    A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician make their first parachute
    jump.  Before the jump the instructor explains exactly what they must do:
    Jump out of the plane, count until three and pull the line.

    The physicist jumps.  For him counting till three is too unexact and too
    primitive.  Instead, he calculates out of his height, angle and velocity
    the exact moment he should pull the line for a soft landing and arrives
    optimally.

    The engineer is a practical man and thinks calling to three is too
    unreliable and therefore dangerous...   He jumps and pulls the line
    immediately.  He takes a bit longer than the physicist but he lands
    safely.

    Both see jump the mathematician jump out of the plane.  He falls  ... and
    falls ... and falls ...
    No parachute opens and finally he falls on the ground.  Fortunately, he
    lands in a haystack.  The physicist and engineer walk alarmed to the
    haystack and while they dig him out they hear him say: "From this follows
    from complete induction: 3"

mathematics physics chemistry biology
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    The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the
    dairy industry.

    So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant
    DNA technicians to build them a better cow.  They assembled this team
    of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding.  They requested
    rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there
    was a horrible typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years
    later, they came back with the "new, improved cow."  It had a milk
    production improvement of 2% over the original.

    They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around.
    They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical
    equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they
    were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they
    got a 5% improvement in milk output.

    The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were
    subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output.

    Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians.  The
    foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the
    problem.  Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they
    could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem.
    In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper
    with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow.

    The plans began:

    "A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines:

    Consider a spherical cow......"

mathematics physics chemistry engineering biology
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    An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the
    following question:

    "What is 2 * 2 ?"

    The chemist says immediately circa 10 to the power 1.

    The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it
    back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

    The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem
    on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

    The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the
    world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can tell
    you, an answer exists!".

    Philosopher: "But what do you _mean_ by 2 * 2 ?"

    Logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."

    Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully,
                then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?"

    Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer.

    From: Tony Quinn <tonyquin@sixpints.demon.co.uk>
    Stress engineer: Well I know it's 4, but let's call it 50 anyway.......

    From: Detlef_Wendt@SU2.maus.de (Detlef Wendt)
    (blame JV for translation)

    The psychologist: Why do you wish to know that?

    The sociologist: I don't know, but is was nice talking about it.

    From: bhunt <bhunt@DEPAUW.EDU>
    Behavioral Ecologist: A polygamous mating system.
    X-XS4ALL-To: <sciencejokes@xs4all.nl>

    From: Carsten Knop <Carsten.Knop@inis.de>
    Medical Student : 4
    All others looking astonished : How did you know ??
    Medical Student : I memorized it.

mathematics engineering
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    From: pclarke@waite.adelaide.edu.au (Philip Clarke)

    An Engineer, Statistician and Economist were asked "what does 2 + 2 equal?"
    They answered as follows:
    Engineer:  With a safety factor of 2x, 2 + 2 = 8
    Statistician: With a degree of freedom of 1, 2 + 2 = anywhere from 1 to 7,
    but I can't be sure.
    Economist:  What would you like it to equal?

mathematics physics
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    From: MARTIN.VIETOR@HEIDEBOX.HEIDE.DE (Translation to blame on Joachim)

    A mathematician, a physicist and a doctor were posed the questin 2*2.
     The physicist takes a notebook and starts scribbling. After 3 days of the
    most complex calculations he finds with use of the Earth radius, the
    gravitation constant : "Somewhere between pi and 2 times the square root
    of 3."
     The mathematican comes back after a week with dark rings under his eyes
    and proclaims: "Colleges, their is a solution."
     The doctor says simple :"4"
    The others answer: "Oh well you memorized it."

mathematics physics computer science
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    From:  "Frank Kosanke" <digger@htb.de>
    (Blame  Joachim for translation from German)
    And yet another variation:
    A Physicist, a computer scientist and a mathematician must calculate what
    is 2 + 2.

    The physicist constructs out of slopes and balls etcetera a complicated
    measuring system and finds 3.99998 as solution.
    "Measuring errors are possible, of course"

    The computer scientist writes a 24 page Pascal Program, that spits out
    4.000001 as solutions.
    "Going from a binary to a decimal system and back can cause inaccuracies."

    The mathematician buries himself in his books and writes complicates
    expressions on thousands pieces of papers.  Then he proofs that there is
    only one solution, and it is calculable.

mathematics physics
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    From: carrt@ix.netcom.com (Tim Carr)

    Three people answered an add for a an open job - an engineer, a
    physicist and a statistician.  When the engineer went in, he was asked:

    Q: "What is two plus two?"
    A:  "Four."

    When the physisict went in, he was asked the same question:

    Q: "What is two plus two?"
    A:  "Four."

    The statistician went in next.  When the question was posed to him, he
    looked around furtively, shut the door and drew the blinds closed.  His
    response:

    "What do you want it to be?"

mathematics physics engineering
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    The Board of Trustees, not convinced by the performance in a previous joke,
    decides to test the Profs. again. First they take a Math Prof. and put him
    in a room. Now, the room contains a table and three metal spheres about the
    size of softballs. They tell him to do whatever he want with the balls and
    the table in one hour. After an hour, he comes out and the Trustees look in
    and the balls are arranges in a triangle at the center of the table.

    Next, they give the same test to a Physics Prof. After an hour, they look
    in, and the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the
    table.

    Finally, the give the test to an Engineering Prof. After an hour, they look
    in and one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he's carrying the
    third out in his lunchbox.

physics engineering
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    From: "F. Ted Tschang" <ft0d+@andrew.cmu.edu>
    An economist, an engineer, and a physicist are marooned on a deserted
    island.  One day they find a can of food washed up on the beach and
    contrive to open it. The engineer said: "let's hammer the can open
    between these rocks".  The physicist said: "that's pretty crude.  We can
    just use the force of gravity by dropping a rock on the can from that
    tall tree over there".  The economist is somewhat disgusted at these
    deliberations, and says: "I've got a much more elegant solution.  All we
    have to do is assume a can-opener."

engineering
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    In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are
    about to be guillotined.  The priest puts his head on the block,
    they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's
    been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go.  The lawyer
    is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the
    blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime
    and he is set free too.  They
    grab the engineer and shove his head into the
    guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait
    a minute, I see your problem......"

mathematics physics engineering
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    An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one
    Saturday and laid their money down.  Commiserating in the bar after
    the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my
    money.  I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and
    mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."

    The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual
    variations into account.  I did a statistical analysis of their
    previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest
    probability of winning..."

    "...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer.  But
    before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and
    they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet.  Obviously here was a
    man who knows something about horses.  They both demanded to know his
    secret.

    "Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the
    horses were identical and spherical..."

mathematics physics biology
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    A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a
    horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians,
    and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the
    issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors. The
    biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable
    racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100 billion. The statisticians
    reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race,
    at a cost of $100 million per race, and they would only be right 10% of the
    time. Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the
    outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The
    investors listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported,
    "We have made several simplifying assumptions... first, let each horse be a
    perfect rolling sphere..."

mathematics physics engineering
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    A group of scientists were doing an investigation into problem-solving
    techniques, and constructed an experiment involving a physicist, an
    engineer, and a mathematician.

    The experimental apparatus consisted of a water spigot and two identical
    pails, one of which was fastened to the ground ten feet from the spigot.

    Each of the subjects was given the second pail, empty, and told to fill the
    pail on the ground.

    The physicist was the first subject:  he carried his pail to the spigot,
    filled it there, carried it full of water to the pail on the ground, and
    poured the water into it.  Standing back, he declared, "There: I have
    solved the problem."

    The engineer and the mathematician each approached the problem similarly.
    Upon finishing, the engineer noted that the solution was exact, since the
    volumes of the pails were equal.  The mathematician merely noted that he
    had proven that a solution exists.

    Now, the experimenters altered the parameters of the task a bit:  the pail
    on the ground was still empty, but the subjects were presented with a pail
    that was already half-filled with water.

    The physicist immediately carried his pail over to the one on the ground,
    emptied the water into it, went back to the spigot, *filled* the pail, and
    finally emptied the entire contents into the pail on the ground,
    overflowing it and spilling some of the water.  Upon finishing, he
    commented that the problem should have been better stated.

    The engineer, in turn, thought for some time before going into action.  He
    then took his half-filled pail to the spigot, filled it to the brim, and
    filled the pail on the ground from it.  Again he noted that the problem had
    an exact solution, which of course he had found.

    The mathematician thought for a long time before stirring.  At last he
    stood up, emptied his pail onto the ground, and declared, "The problem has
    been reduced to one already solved."

computer science
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            A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
    about whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their
    arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
    the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
    Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
    incredible surgical feat."
            The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the
    Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
    that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an
    architect."
            The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
    "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

mathematics physics engineering biology
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    From: mstueben@pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben)

    The biologist says "I study the principles of life."
    The psychologist says "You are controlled by the principles of life."

    The businessman says "My business can use its force to control the economy."
    The economist says "The forces of the economy will control your business."

    The engineer says: "My equations are a model of the universe."
    The physicist says: "The universe is a model of my equations."

    The mathematician says: "I don't care."

physics chemistry engineering
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    From: chemistrwb@aol.com (ChemistRWB)

    A chemist, a physicist and an Engineer went on a camping trip, accompanied
    by a guide.  The were brought to a cabin in the deep Canadian wilderness.
    Inside the cabin was a wood-burning stove, but it was set up on bricks
    about 60 cm above the floor of the cabin.  The three scientists speculated
    about the function of the high placement of the stove.  The chemist said,
    "Obviously, the guide has anticipated the convection currents of the heat
    an placed the stove in a raised position to maximize the heat flow in the
    semi-adiabatic system."  The Physicist believed, "No, it's far simpler
    than that, the guide placed the stove higher so movement from the
    countertops to the stove would be minimized and energy conserved."   The
    engineer believed he had the true answer, "Obviously, you fellows don't do
    much camping.  The stove is place higher so we can bring in wood and put
    it under the stove to dry."  The guide soon returned and all three
    scientists were eager to find out who was right.  The guide replied,
    "Well, we was bringin' the dang thing up the river and part of the chimney
    pipe fell off the boat,  so we had to put it up for the pipe to reach the
    ceiling."
    PS:  If you know all the words in this essay, your English is better than
    99% of native  Americans.

mathematics physics engineering
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    From: grayd@is.dal.ca (James D. Gray)

    An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were
    each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly
    how tall a particular hotel was.
            All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this.  The Physics
    student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings,
    a calculator, and some friends.  He had them all time the drop of ball
    bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time
    it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with
    the sidewalk.
            The Math student waited until the sun was going down, then she
    took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad,
    measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof
    made from the ground, and used trignometry to figure out the height of
    the building.
            These two students bumped into the Engineering student the next
    day, who was nursing a really bad hangover.  When asked what he did to
    find the height of the building he replied:
            "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him
    how tall the hotel was, and hit the bar inside for happy hour!"

mathematics physics
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    From: arkoff@sun.lclark.edu (Gary Arkoff)

    A math student and a physics student are camping.  The physics students takes
    his turn to do the cooking first.  He makes a tasty stew, but in so doing,
    uses up all the water.

    The next day, it is the math student's turn to do the cooking.  The physics
    student watches him go to the creek to fetch the water.  He puts the water
    into the pot and then stops and goes off to do something else.

    Puzzled, the physics student asks the math student when he is going to
    finish making dinner.  The math student tells him that there is nothing
    left to do as now it has been reduced to a problem which has already been
    solved.

mathematics physics engineering
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    From: spencer@cwis.unomaha.edu (Tom Spencer)

    A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all umpiring a softball
    game. The batter hit a fly ball to the outfield that was not caught. All
    the runners who were on base scored easily and the batter tried to turn it
    into an inside the park home run. It became clear that there would be a
    close play at the plate and all three umpires rushed into position to make
    the call. They all called the batter out. The captain of the batting team
    went out to argue and demanded "Why is he out?"

    The engineer said "He looked out to me, so he's out."

    The physicist said "I watched very carefully, and I saw that, at the moment
    that the batter was tagged, he had not touched home plate; so he's out."

    The mathematician said "He's out because I called him out."

mathematics engineering
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    From: agdoll@wimsey.com (Alex Doll)

    Ask a surveyor, a statistician, and an engineer to measure a 4 cm piece of
    string:

    Surveyor gets out his tripod, gets an assistant to hold the rod, then
    compensates for temperature and declares that the string is 4.000 cm long.

    Statstician takes a ruler marked in metres and makes (n^-1)/(1-1/n)!
    measurements before declaring that the string is between 1 cm and 10 cm 90
    percent of the time

    Engineer takes out a pair of scissors and asks "How long do you want it to
    be?"

mathematics physics engineering
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    From: j.p.openshaw@swansea.ac.uk (John Openshaw)

    A Mathematician, Physicist and an Engineer all have to nip to the
    loo. The M has a leak, and then sprinkles a few drops of water on
    his hands, turns to the attendant and says 'Mathematicians learn
    to be concise'. The P has a turn, spends 5 minutes scrubbing his
    hands, then turns to the attendant and says 'Physicists learn to
    be thorough'. The engineer has a wee, doesn't bother washing his
    hands, turns to the attendant and say 'Engineers learn not to pee
    all over their hands'.

mathematics physics engineering
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    From: Alexis Monnerot-Dumaine <alexis.monnerot-dumaine@bnpgroup.com>

    A mathematician, a physician and an engineer are on vacation in Paris at
    their friend's Jean-Pierre.
    -  How high exactly is that Eiffel Tower? asks the mathematician
    -  I've got an idea, replied Jean-Pierre. How about guessing it, and the
    winner wins a good dinner in a good restaurant?, what do you think?
    -  All right, says the physician,...but let's leave us some time and
    meet tomorrow at 10 a.m., Ok?
    -  Ok.
    As the mathematician and the physician stay to think on the problem, the
    engineer leaves: " Sorry, I've got a date, see you tomorrow ".
    The next morning, the friends meet at the bottom of the Eiffel Tower.
    -  So, what's your estimation ? asked Jean-Pierre.
    -  Well, says the mathematician, I measured the length of the shadow of
    the tower and, according to the position of the sun, date and time GMT,
    a simple trigonometric calculation gave me 320,68 metres.
    - Not a bad idea, replied Jean-Pierre, but not quite the right answer.
    What about you?
    - Well, says the physician, I climbed the stairs up to the top of the
    tower, then I started a chronograph and dropped it immediately. As it
    hit the ground, it broke, indicating the duration of the fall.
    Considering the Newton equations and the viscosity of the air, my
    calculations gave me 321,9 metres.
    - That's a bit better, but not the right answer, says Jean-Pierre. But,
    where is our engineer?
    The engineer arrives:
    - Sorry, I'm late, but, woahoo, what a night I had! .
    - So, what about our little bet ? asked the physician.
    - Our bet? What bet? Oh yes, the Eiffel Tower! I forgot...err...just
    wait here a moment.
    He turns back and comes again 2 minutes later:
    - The Eiffel Tower is 321,50 metres high.
    - That's absolutely right, says Jean-Pierre, you won the bet!
    The mathematician and the physician are puzzled:
    - How did you do it?
    And the engineer replies:
    - Oh...well...quite simple, in fact... I just went to that café over
    there...and asked the waiter... .

engineering computer science
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    From: Russell Turner <turnerr@actrix.gen.nz>
    Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two
    of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with
    two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think
    this is?"

    One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said.
    The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?"
    The engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write
    a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its
    position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal
    black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a
    16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the
    heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected
    from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the
    heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a
    working prototype."

    The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the
    danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just
    turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What
    you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects
    of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more
    capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also
    cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only
    makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we
    will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years."

    "With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to
    the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this
    class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization
    process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins,
    pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon;
    and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached
    eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes."

    "The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it
    must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry
    classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved
    without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the
    proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook
    yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the
    kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast
    than to scrambled eggs."

    "Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has
    revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast
    food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived
    requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with
    multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold
    while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too."

    "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food
    lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy
    the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When
    the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on
    the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3'
    appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product
    gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods
    they want to cook."

    "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the
    design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware
    platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of
    memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If
    you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports
    multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will
    be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had
    foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a
    four-bit microcontroller!)."

    The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all
    lived happily ever after.

mathematics physics engineering
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    From: Rich Griffiths <richg@cybercomm.net>
    A mathematician and a physicist are trying to measure the height of a
    flag pole using a long tape measure.  The mathematician takes the tape
    measure, walks up to the flag pole, and begins to shinny up the pole.  A
    short way up, he slips and falls down.

    The physicist notices a ladder lying nearby in the bushes.  He leans the
    ladder against the pole, but it reaches only half way up.  He climbs the
    ladder and tries to shinny up from there, but he also slips and falls.

    While they sit near the pole scratching their heads, an engineer
    walks by, so the mathematician and the physicist tell him their problem.
    The engineer notices a crank at the base of the flag pole.  He turns the
    crank, and the flag pole tilts over until it lies on the ground.  The
    engineer stretches out the tape measure, cranks the pole back up, and
    tells the mathematician and the physicist: 'It is 15 meters.'

    As the engineer walks off into the distance, the mathematician looks at
    the physicist and says: 'Isn't that just like an engineer?  You ask him
    for the height, and he gives you the length.'

    BUT SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THE STORY GOES LIKE THIS:
    A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag
    pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite
    frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole.  It kept falling
    down, etc.

    A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to
    remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily.

    When he leaves, one engineer says to the other:  "Just like a
    mathematician!  We need to know the height, and he gives us the
    length!"

mathematics physics engineering
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    From: Henry Cate's Life collection
    A mathematician, scientist, and engineer are each asked:

    "Suppose we define a horse's tail to be a leg.  How many legs does a
    horse have?"

    The mathematician answers "5"; the scientist "1"; and the engineer
    says "But you can't do that!"

mathematics physics engineering
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    From: Henry Cate's Life collection 3.F
    There are three umpires at a baseball game.  One is an engineer, one
    is a physicist, and one is a mathematician.  There is a close play at
    home plate and all three umpires call the man out.  The manager runs
    out of the dugout and asks each umpire why the man was called out.

    The physicist says "He's out because I calls 'em as I sees 'em".
    The engineer says "He's out because I calls 'em as they are".
    And the mathematician says "He's out because I called him out".

physics engineering
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    From: oldbear@arctos.com (The Old Bear)

    In an effort to determine the department which produces the most
    intelligent graduates, a university president threw down a challenge to the
    deans of the schools of science, engineering, and business.  He asked each
    to send him their brightest student from the current graduating class to
    compete in solving a simple problem.

    The next day, three students showed up at the university president's
    office.  He explained the problem as follows:

    "I want you to determine the height of the university's newest residence
    tower.  I am giving each of you only three tools to work with: a stop
    watch, a ruler and a ball of string.  You are each to devise your own
    solution to the problem and report back here by the end of the day.
    Whoever has the most accurate answer wins."

    The three students set off to the new residence tower.  The science manor
    went immediately to the roof of the building and dropped the ruler over the
    side, carefully timing its descent with the stop watch.  Factoring in the
    aerodynamic properties of the ruler, the science major calculated the
    height of the building within six inches.

    Next the engineering major, still panting from running up all the stairs to
    the roof, took his turn.  He tied the stop watch onto the end of the ball
    of string and gently lowered it until it just touched the ground.  Reeling
    the string back up, he measured it carefully with the ruler, making
    adjustments for its elasticity under the weight of the stop watch, and
    calculated the height of the building within two inches.

    At that point, the science major turns to the engineering major and asks,
    "What happened to the kid from the business school?  I thought he was right
    behind us."

    They head back down to the building lobby and there, sitting comfortably in
    an upholstered chair, is the business major.

    "So, what are you going to do?" asks the science major.

    "Oh, I'm done," says the business major, unfolding a piece of paper on
    which is written the height of the building expressed to the last
    one-eighth inch.

    "How did you do that?" asks the engineering major.

    "Simple," replies the student from the business school.  "While you guys
    were screwing around up on the roof, I went down to the basement and found
    the building superintendant.  I told him I'd give him a nice stop watch if
    he'd let me look through the architectural plans for the building."

    There were a number of these kind of stories (which are somewhat similar
    in stucture to the many "There was a priest, a minister and a rabbi..."
    anecdotes).

mathematics physics engineering
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    An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name
    the greatest invention of all time.  The engineer chose fire, which gave
    humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave
    humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which
    gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
    "Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
    "Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold
    in summer."
    "Yes -- so what?"
    "Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how
    does it *know*?"

mathematics physics engineering
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    An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
    anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no
    doubt already heard.  After some observations and rough calculations
    the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing.  A few
    minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself
    happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.

    This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed
    right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite
    rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers
    this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let
    alone funny.

next page | Index | Comments and Contributions

#### Subsections

- 6. the mathematician, the physicist and the engineer (and others) - general
- 6.1 the locked room and the tin can
- 6.2 fire

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